February 07, 2009

Bowed But Not Broken

bowed but not broken, a Dogwood sapling bowed over from the ice storm. Happily the little tree was flexible enough to not break under the onslaught of the freezing rain

Perseverance is the virtue that enables a man to endure the delays in the attainment of good... St. Thomas Aquinas

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be broken... Pastor Chuck Smith

Its been a blurr of a week. I may not be working but I am working pretty hard at being unemployed. I have had two other interviews, one for an agency that has a call center job that requires technical training yet pays less than I have made in 15 years. I will go into the red every month, I will take it if I am offered it. But it is going to be really hard...

I had a second insurance company call me, regarding selling insurance products geared towards the senior market which is very large in this area. I interviewed with the owner of the branch/franchise of this second firm... I know he has since read this blog, I have the address on my cards so this isn't vain flattery but I really liked this man and the way he presented the opportunity. I didn't get the impression that he runs a boiler room or that he wont pay me for work and effort, and once I get started I will give him 110 percent.

I have looked into both firms and I have not yet found negative information on this second company but I did find it on the first one, lots of dirt. So I have prayed a lot about this. I feel like I need to explore both firms more thoroughly before I commit. I cant commit to anyone until I have passed the state exam and am licensed by the state of Arkansas.

And to do that one must attend a required class. I completed the class this week, it was hard. I have such a hard time sitting there. Its easy to let the mind wander..."Is this the right thing?"..." What if I cant do it, what then?"... I know I shouldn't dwell on this kind of thinking. This is the only door currently open to me and I need to take it. I also need to not focus on the visions of big pay days, the promises of a secure future if I get involved in this profession. Truth is we are not promised tomorrow, we are not promised success even if we work hard... I know this now more today than ever. I must trust that both of the men I talked to wont let me lose my home while I am trying to learn this job. I think I can do it and yes I do believe in providing people information on their benefits and getting them the insurance they need to supplement their Medicare.

I feel like I had a hard time retaining the concepts. I bought the disc with the practice questions from the exam and I will work hard at getting the answers right and will not take the exam before I am ready...period. I cant afford to keep taking the test at 100.00 bucks a pop... and failure is not an option...

and I have seen failure. This is exactly the sort of this that the "losers" in my life tried to do to make the big bucks instead of getting a "real" job. I feel a sort of shame for myself for looking down on them so many years ago now that I find myself in their shoes...The big talk that came out of their mouths was the voice of desperation and I had no compassion. Truth is I need so little that marginal success will be enough.

But enough of that. Other than the nagging fear of penury, life is good. I am, in my spare time, working hard at getting the rest of the unpacking done and my garage sorted out in particular. I have the space out there to set up a good home office, sewing space and eventually my jewelers bench.Actually sewing may become a necessity as I have been singularly unable to find proper blouses or shells... you know those simple blouses you wear under a jacket with a skirt? And a Day dress to wear while calling on clients. I look like a freak in a traditional suit, like I am wearing Daddy's business suit or a worse sort of sterotype.... If its not soft and femenine, it doesnt fly. I love Tim Gunn, and his 10 Essentials for your closet made me realize that a suit isnt on this list. I look good in a dress if it fits right. But like a blouse I havent found anything even on line that is reasonable or not too hootchy- coothchie..ie my boobs hanging out all over the place... Hey I have something to sell but not that...

So my machines are here and I bought materiel in Louisville, so I think I will get to work, it beats worrying. And it will be a welcome creative break from study

I am trying to remain optimistic, hopeful and focused on Jesus. I feel closer to God than I have been in a very very long time... I am bowed down, humbled by the knowledge that my life...my future is TOTALLY out of my hands. Perhaps in this year of learning to trust, I will finally be able to let go and have real faith in the God who has never failed me. He will not leave me bowed down but will raise me up in His time

Labels: Bella Vista, Faith, Scenic Arkansas, working