May 28, 2009

In The Midst of Maybe

Misty Summer Morning near Vaugan AR

Bank Vice President..."Hoku, Im sorry but the fine print in the loan allows us to do what we have to to recover any past due payments, we took what we needed to satisfy the terms of the agreement..."

And with that my future here in Northwest Arkansas has been fast tracked... I heard these words and the amount of money that they took, and realized that I was on borrowed time. I need a miracle, a job and soon. That is a tall order when the official unemployment is 6.5 but really it is thought to be as high at 9.5% because of all of the contracted Walmart labor that has no work and is scratching like everyone else...

It was 5 pm, too late for me to do anything last night. I freaked out went into shock really, sort of like when I realized that my business wasn't going to happen and all of the money sweat and effort that went into that venture out the door. Panic attacks... I went to see Woody and while he was not sympathetic...he wanted half of my savings all along, but still in all he was supportive of my pain, which is serious

I went on to Accountability group where I laid out my problem before the others, it dampened the discussion. I was prayed for and encouraged, but like so often in my life, no one knows quite what to do with Me appreciated all of the praying and words of support...but there is nothing really practical that can be said. I am a month away from homelessness and this gets to people but they aren't sure how to help you.

If I only had a job...any job... I apply and apply and nothing. No call backs, nothing. I feel useless and worthless like all that I have done over the years counts for nothing...

I got home from church and I called everyone, I called my therapist, my friends and emailed my cousin in Houston and my Aunt in Austin. People called me...my Pastor's wife and friend..another friend and Woody who realized that he missed the mark when talking to me and tried to console me...

My therapist called me with some leads one of which was a place called Samaritan House a ministry of Fellowship Bible Church one of the areas largest churches. I called just to see what assistance they might have that would help me. I spoke to a case worker that wanted me to come in and have a meal and talk to someone. So I did.

It was food pantry day and people came in to get food. I told the lady "encourager" that food want really what I needed but she asked me to take it anyway as "this is what they did" so I said yes to that. I was surprised later and the quality of the product I received including hygiene products dish soap and paper goods... they even put in something for Abigail. Since I didn't need the shampoo soaps and ladies supplies, I put them out for the food drive today that a local group was collecting for, and added a few things from my own cabinets since I was so enriched by my visit.

But what I really needed I didn't get which is work. Several people took my card took down what I did and that I needed some work now. I also had a chance to talk to a LCSW about my situation.. her comment was that I had all four of life's most difficult challenges on my plate at that moment, ( They are loss of spouse, loss of home, loss of employment, and loss through death...my Aunt Jean passed away this week I was notified just as I pulled into Samaritan House's driveway)...You should only deal with these issues one at a time one a year for the sake of your health. I have been in suffering and grief for so long that my soul is dried up and damaged I am hurting my health, and hurting those around me. I feel doubld over in emotional and sometimes physical pain. My "bleating" is getting annoying to some, and others, especially those in the workplace who feel guilty or shall I say superior to those of us less fortunate...not realizing that they too can suffer the same fate. Lose you job, burn up your savings and find your self sleeping on cardboard. Lots of that in places like Sacramento, Elkhart and sadly my fair Louisville, where unemployment is not going to improve until they get the Ford plant up and running. I am glad that I am here.

I ate the hot meal and talked at length with the volunteer that sat with me. It was left overs from our local Red Lobster... a really fine meal actually, I enjoyed mine heartily. I have never eaten on a soup line before. It was a strange moment. I was dressed for job hunting and the others being served there would stop and sort of stare at me a moment and then ignore me. I looked very out of place. I realized that this was the reverse of how I reacted years ago to those on the lines of our giant food ministry at Hosanna Calvary Chapel. I wondered how all of those people didnt manange when some how I did...That may be the lesson I am needing to learn right now. That its not always within your control to manage your circumstances. Only God can judge that... I gave thanks for the food and resolved to, as a penetential act for my pride and willfullness, to eat there insted of fast food meals on job hunting days when they are open. It is a wiser use of my funds and the fellowship is something that I need just now. Maybe I can overcome my fears by associating with other overcommers, like the single mom that was at the table next to me... or the seinor couple that lives in their car because they are not quite old enough for Social Security. I saw my mother struggle, and deplored her begging for help... now the shoe is on the other foot and I think this is very good for me to consider...

I felt love all the way throught the process. I spoke to the head of the Counseling division who felt it was a shame I wasnt working took my resume and said hed work on finding me a place even if it was part time. There are other housing arrangements being discussed as of this writing. I am trying to stay in Fourth Day, do not anticipate tomorrow, because it is not here yet...

And so I sit "in the midst of maybe" not sure exactly what to do next, other than pray, wait, and start to let go of things places and people that are precious to me as another big change may be comming my way. Most of all I need to continue in my quest of learing to trust in a loving God that knows what is going to happen to us and lets nothing happen that is not for our good... I can depend on that...

Labels: Abigail, Faith, Friends, Personal Growth, working