October 18, 2008
...Its Way Past Midnight....
Aloha, the state of mind that surrounds you when you are in love with your best friend. My kitties...maybe now Woody's kitties Makoa and KaNani sweetly sleeping...
a journal entry...
...there is a stillness in the apartment that amazes me considering I am surrounded by 50 other humans living in this building.I never hear anyone else... One of the joys of living here is the profound respect they all have for each other's space. I am free to listen to music or to silence... to play with Bella, cuddle her in my lap...Take her for long walks on sidewalks and golfcart paths...It kills me that I am doing things here that I love and likely wont be able to do at home. I am leaving this light bright and airy space for a cold dirty cramped house that I will be sharing with two cats and a human that will not want me there.
I am feeling very lonely and sad tonight. Leaving Louisville is surrounding me like a suffocating blanket. I went to church tonight and realized in 15 days I wont ever see these people again. It kills me. I have made more real friends at the church here that want more than to just converse on sunday...felt more accepted. One of the reasons I think is not having Woody around, not that hes unfriendly but I think I hang with a younger crowd when hes not with me... I dont know
I have been mulling over today's counseling appointment. My counselor has been trying to get me to see a couple of points. 1. that God is for me..(Zephhaniah 3:17)
2. my anger over my life is unproductive and sinful.(more scripture than I am able to list...) I havent been able to deal with it in a way that seems pleasing to God, my life has suffered because of this. I know that he is right about this in the sense that according to the Bible I havent been able to handle the pain of this relationship in the most Godly fashion...but I have run out of...I have nothing left to give. Woody knows this... that is why hed rather that I didnt come home.
Im not sure if anyone wants me home. I have had a few contacts from people over these past seven months. My neigbors stopped calling me. Its been 6 months since I have heard from anyone at Methodist Church... The RCIA director called once from St Bernards and I have been in communication with my Cannon Lawyer...my annulment of my marriage to The Engineer is progressing. By the time its done I will likely need to get one for my marriage to Woody... I will never get to the altar for the sacrament at this rate I will spend the rest of my natural life in Magisterial Purgatory...
My partner from the Nightshift at Thisplace has done very well since my departure we had a long conversation the other night... and I have gotten email from her. My landlord called wanting to know when I was starting up as he has a pile of jewelry he wants fixed...
Soon I will have to leave my Haven on the Green and return to the real world where some huge challenges await me... Im going to have to "Bring It" on a lot of levels...the prospect leaves me in a cold sweat...
Labels: Annabelle, Artisans Fine Jewelry Repair, Business start up, Catholic, Kentucky, Louisville, Marriage, Pen Pals
