January 30, 2004

Houston....We Have a Problem....

I got this from my cousin Lyn, a resident of the Houston area, where I know that life is not the same as it was even a week ago. The city is priviledged (snork!) to be hosting the fabled gridiron classic this weekend, The Superbowl. All this has ever ment to me was it was a great excuse for every man I have had in my life (nearly )to act like a wacko for three days. When we lived in California, Woody would go off to Reno to a giant party held by friends of his and camp out in some casino for the weekend. I never went cause I didn't quite feel welcome at these events.
As I read this e-mail, I laughed then mentally bowed down and thanked God above for getting my out of LA, and its perpetual traffic nightmare. Here in Hilo, we find ourselves whining if we have to wait a few minutes, let alone the hours stuck in traffic in my former life...
Well here it is:

TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY IN HOUSTON -OR- FOR ANYONE WHO HAS HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF DRIVING IN HOUSTON AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. "WELCOME TO HOUSTON - UNDER CONSTRUCTION".

Some of these were really on the mark!

HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEBRUARY 1, 2004

1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," & definitely not "How-ston." The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San FIL-uh-pee," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San Fay-LEE-pay."

2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. Everyone drives like that.

3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no beginning and no end. That's why they call it a "loop" - get it?

4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.

5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a"scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing a lot of people's middle fingers, and exhaust fumes.

6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.

8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

9. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")

10. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must be near Pasadena."

11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored.

12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler, a Hummer, or perhaps a Bradley tank (or an Excursion)

13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic.

14. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.

15. Never honk at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

16. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

17. If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next weekend.

18. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.

19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.

20. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

21. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.

22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.

23. Stop signs are only suggestions. If you stop completely, you may be rear-ended.

24. If your vehicle is in any way disabled on a busy street, immediately abandon it if traffic begins to build....angry drivers who just made it through the construction zone may yell at you or honk or maybe even throw something at you.

25. The HOV lane is called the H-O-V lane not the hov lane and is for all vehicles with 2 or 3 or more passengers (dead or alive or inflatable).

That's about it, folks. Remember these tips and you should be able to survive Super Bowl XXXVIII traffic without a problem.

Yeeup! Memories that I had long burried are resurfacing. Best to end this post now.....