May 29, 2004

What We Want

.
What We Want
.
What we want
is never simple.
We move among the things
we thought we wanted:
a face, a room, an open book
and these things bear our names--
now they want us.
But what we want appears
in dreams, wearing disguises.
We fall past,
holding out our arms
and in the morning
our arms ache.
We don't remember the dream,
but the dream remembers us.
It is there all day
as an animal is there
under the table,
as the stars are there
even in full sun.
by Linda Pastan, from Carnival Evening. © W.W. Norton.

I feel like my life is like this. All that I ever wanted in life, has been denied. What I do have is so much more than most ever have... that like the poet, I feel like I have aching arms from holding it all. Yet I would drop it for what I dont have. Seems somewhat ungrateful of me...

This is the quiet time. Woody is in Keauhou,he likes his new posting, quieter, less stressful. Up in the hills above Kealakekua Bay, where Captain Cook first landed on Hawaii, he has a lovely view...has adopted two stray cats to feed, and is happy with things...

I am still discontented but know that its not something I can change. He is as he is, I am as I am. Yet I have these little reminders come up of the past or what might have been. Its a little sad.

I was trolling news sites and found one that I knew of, but had never seen.As I went through the archives, I think I have avoided it in the past, because I knew that seeing the familiar names and faces would really hurt.It did... The founder of this news site is a well known journalist, whose life work has been to chronicle the struggle of the persecuted church, and has been a personal voice of martyrs since that terrible day in 1978 when he witnessed the slaughter of thousands of Ugandan Believers at the word of Idi Amin. I have admired Dan Wooding and his wife and those that work with ASSIST Ministries. Those "26 Lead Soldiers" (type writer keys) are now computers and instead of all the means we used to communicate 20 years ago that were dinosaur slow compared to high speed internet connections, we have the Blog Websites and virtual Newsrooms.

And we still have: Uganda...Sudan...Timor...Gaza...China...North Korea, the entire Islamic Sphere, and a host of other countries that persecute believers.

There were two other bylines on related or linked posts that were of note , one was Ray Comfort, well known New Zealand born evangelist and writer, who was also my neighbor on the mainland and a Pastor at the church I was in ministry in up until 1996. I miss Ray a lot and will have to drop him a line...

The other byline...I will not say who he was... it is enough to say that seeing his name after so many years was a stab in my heart. When you meet someone that so overwhelms you with who they just are let alone their life and how God chose to use them, your life is forever changed... This guy had taken people and materiel behind the Iron Curtain, and into China, praying that the seeing would be made blind...Had worked in situations that are scary even now to think about. Musician, photgrapher, journailist. Adopted as an infant into priviledge, He gave it up after spending two weeks on the Manila Dump, and became an itinerant missionary...He was amazing in his tenacity to do the will of God and the work of God however he was called to do it.

After an few weeks, I realized that I could love this guy...he must have too and informed me that I wasnt suited to his life and he never spoke to me again, and I only saw him from a great distance. I respected that, as sad as it was... for you see, I wasnt willing to give up my comforts then and now...It wasnt something I discussed with him or anyone. He knew that perhaps from how hard I worked (50 plus hours and put in 30 plus at the church), and how I lived...and what was important to me and my plans...the husband kids and house with a white picket fence. Church and ministry here in LA not the Philippines or God knows where. I have the husband, but nothing else out of my plans.... (at least I am not stuck in LA...)

This is the first time I have said anything to anyone about it. It didnt seem right. Sometimes its best to let dreams die before they are born...But it doesnt take away the wondering of the might have beens...

Sometimes I have heard his music in the back of my thoughts... a gifted songwriter, some of his tunes are still in my head even after all this time and distance...A good song will do that...

...Against the darkness, I have struggled
Without You, I cannot stand..
Give me one more day to free a soul...

Ari el, I hardly knew you...