July 17, 2004
This Week's Saturday Slant Week 18 Year 2
The letter... I have acutally written letters like this as a part of the recovery process. I write letters as a hobby and have since I was 10, so expressing myself in this form is not difficult. In fact its hard for me to stop once I get started.
Ok Pariah, great slant...we are getting interesting with this one...
Dear __________, Im sorry we never __________.
Fill in the blanks, then elaborate.
Good therapy in this... let's do the whole family and get it over with.
Dear Father, Im sorry we never went a day when you weren't drinking and were truly available for us. Its sad that you missed out on being a real dad, because I know that this was what you wanted to be but you couldnt get the demons that tormented you away long enough to... What is the saddest was that YOU didnt have to do that but you could have allowed God to rule and reign in your life and that would have changed you. I know how hard it is to let go and let
God. Thats why you never could admit that you were an alcoholic. I am sorry that you died a slow painfilled death, due to the excesses of your lifestyle. I would to God that things were different, but they cannot be.
Dear Mother, Im sorry that we cannot be honest between us and really discuss how bad things were when we were growing up. Its just too hard for you and now you are beyond discussing anything. When I tried to, it upset you and I felt cruel for trying. As with Dad, the letting go and letting God is critical. The Control Freak mentality rules in your family. I am choosing to not let it rule me. It will destroy me and the life that God has for me and life is just too short for that.
Dear Brother. Im sorry that its been nearly three years since we have spoken, but that is how you want it. I know that you are mad at me for moving to Hawaii, but I needed to make this change and get well mentally and physically, and that is it. You could do the same by giving up the bottle, the porno, and the other garbage that is ruining your life. You could then make it right between you and your son and your son's mom. Do you remember when we agreed that we would be the last generation that would go throught this hell... we were not 18 even and we knew that the stuf we had seen our parents do was the worst thing and we were saying no to it. I guess it was too long ago to remember or call to mind. Another era, mate, and lifetime ago.
When I see the chances that you have had, the things that you could have done and that you threw away it makes me sooo mad. You were the smartest of us, and had the greatest gifts. Its tragic that you dont care.....
I could go on and on...
Dear former husband, that left me for another woman...
Dear love of my life that left me for another guy...
Dear present husband that perhaps wishes I was perhaps more like his ex wife...no...wont go there...
Dear son that did not live to be born that would be 21 this year...
Dear Ken... forever solo...
Dear Mark...forever hungry...
Dear Richard...forever seeking...
DearBill...forever flying...
Dear Gary...forever singing...
Dear Patricia...forever unknowing...
....each of you left unwitting fingerprints on my soul...but the time wasnt right for any of you and there were regrets for both of us...even now.
In truth I have written these letters many times in my heart... some things are just to precious to put down on paper, the feelings are so alive that its as if they, like a sprouted seed, begin to die once they come to life under your pen. Even now, years away from the events that shaped these feelings, they live...
For as long as love is remembered it lives...As long as we remember those we love, they will never truly die...
