July 15, 2004

What She Was Wearing

what she was wearing

this is my suicide dress
she told him
I only wear it on days
when I'm afraid
I might kill myself
if I don't wear it

you've been wearing it
every day since we met
he said

and these are my arson gloves

so you don't set fire to something?
he asked

exactly

and this is my terrorism lipstick
my assault and battery eyeliner
my armed robbery boots

I'd like to undress you he said
but would that make me an accomplice?

and today she said I'm wearing
my infidelity underwear
so don't get any ideas

and she put on her nervous breakdown hat
and walked out the door



Poem: "what she was wearing," by Denver Butson, from illegible address. © Luquer Street Press.

Sometimes I feel like this. That my inner self is something that I am taking off and putting on like my clothing. That how I feel about life is being taken off and put on. This is not the best way to live, and in light of what I believe...Well...

The compartmentalization of human experience is more akin to a suit of armor than "infidelity underwear", but I get the poets drift and will think about it further and press for a bit of change...

I think that I have mentioned this before that the now four days that Woody is in Kona are very much a solitary existance. Should there be no one in the shop, as it was for two of the three business days, it is truly solitude... like a hermatage...

I have thought of many things during this peace and quiet. Something is happening right now that will test a lot of my feelings, my honesty with myself and what I think God really wants me to do with my life. I will have to choose between the best thing for me, the right thing, my "needs" which are hard to pinpoint, for we all know that sometimes the familiar is a seeming need when the stepping out is the best thing. In this case this might mean staying with the familiar because the situation is going to take a dramtic turn for the good, perhaps. I must always remember the line from the old Eagles tune " that every form of refuge has its price"... Can I be bought? I have come to realize... possibly...

Maybe I can call it " my need for security in the face of adversity body armor" I try to put on the "whole armor of God" and I am praying a lot. "Thy Will" prayers, as this is a good thing, not divorce or sickness or anything like that, but a situation that could (we dont know a lot of details yet about the situation)Both Woody and I are amazed at it...

The mystery will be revealed as events unfold... in the mean time I will wear the overcoat of the love of God and the prayers of the many friends around me...For they may be about to be answered...