August 16, 2004

Now Is The Summer of Our Discontent

the Canoe Launch at Hilo Bay 

WARNING THIS IS NOT A HAPPY HAWAII POST~

This title is from Shakespeare, slightly abridged and I am sad to have it on my blog but I do as this week has been that way for me and I wish that I could just whisk my mind like sweeping my walkway in front of the shop but to no avail...the grinding just keeps on and keeps on...no rest for the weary I guess.

I am morbidly depressed. Like need to go to the doctor sort of depressed. I am hoping this is a phase and will let up, considering that the alternatives are not really available. I have physical things going on that would try the patience of a saint. The trouble is the whole set up. Woody being gone so much...Me trying to hold the fort with out enough cash to do it...Sort of like defending the Alamo without bullets.

We are fighting about the money. Not hard to do when you have 1650.00 in needs(not counting the mortgage which I pay out of the store) and the bring home is 1200.00, and 25% of that must go to getting Woody to his job. Woody takes what he needs pretty much with out regards to what is in the account or not in the account. I have chosen to stop trying to manage the household checkbook as he is impossible. Things deteriorated with the hotel double charging him last week and the phone bill day of reckoning coming up. Stuff is bouncing all over the place. The store is slow and after more wrangling I gave in and gave him cash out of the drawer cursing him with every breath. This is the Godly wife in action... He needs to get to Kona, so he can keep his job. I need the cash so I can pay my rent and keep my job. The impasse has me to the place where I have chest pains on a regular basis.

I am so embarrassed at the goveling I have to do on a daily basis with bill collectors, utility companies and my vendors at the store. I wonder where the rent will come from, and next months house payment so I can keep the place out of foreclosure. The stress has cased my skin problems to flare up, the tissues around the eyes are so bad that it looks like Woody hits me...

I have a plan to deal with all of this but I am not sure how to implement it. I am praying and trusting God, but I still feel like chunks are being pecked out of me and I dont know what to do about it in the mean time.

Woody passed the first level of the TSA exams, but will have to take a day off work and finish the last part. Also they want you to have good credit which we dont have and no one can tell us how the credit score affects your chances of getting the job. I know that his medicals will be fine and the physical aptitude will be fine (hey we have lifted many a bag onto a screening belt...)but the credit thing is very worrisome...Must be to him as well. The forms that he needs to have filled out with all of the info correct were not done today, and they must be ready Tuesday morning 8 am he works in Kona leaving her at 2am and arriving home at 9pm. I guess I am supposed to do this for him too, and to know this by osmosis. My bet is that he gives up and does nothing. If he does that he will find the SF-286 forms shoved up his right nostril.

I have never met a person so uncaring about their career. I challenged him today to stop bitching about the Kona thing and look for a new job and shut the heck up. Im so tired of this. I am doing the work that he should do and its making me sick.

I am like the mother of a little child being told to make that child earn its keep and for Gods sake dont leave it but you have to earn your own keep too, and give me some while you are at it. I am made to feel guilty for every mouthful of food and gas for the car and God help me should something break or need fixing. Then there is the "when the repair business gets going I can stay at the store..." blah blah blah... that makes me feel like a welfare mom being told the have another baby so "you can get more welfare and I can quit my job and live off you..." Just another "child" that will require nurture before it can produce...and in this case I literally am the "child" as well, as it will be my learning curve that will drive the repair side of the store.

This how people go crazy and commit crimes they later regret.

My Mother informed me she is in a financial bind. I have not told her how bad this is here. Lets face it, you are losing your ability to speak and cant walk what is a money problem? So I just lie and say I will try to help.

I think that the worst thing is when I try to tell Woody how I feel there is absolutely no affection no warmth from him. He says that he loves me...and that is why he stays in this relationship, but I dont know if that is true, or if it matters. I made my covenant with God in marriage, I guess I can blame God for this disaster, He knows how hard I am trying!

If only he'd hug me...I find myself thinking...I try to hug him and he pushes me away...Like he doesn't want me to love him afterall...

This has all got to sound like a huge pity party but I have no one to talk to about it at this point, at this time of day. It is deep night in all of the rest of the earth. I am as far from the rest of humanity as you can get out here in Puna, on the Fire Island of Hawaii. It is not the location, this is where I want to be, its just I didn't think I would be a castaway, alone here, dealing with things I haven't had to deal with in the same way before.