September 17, 2004
Meet Your New Road
Meet Your New Road... Old Mamalaloa Hwy Ahualoa/Honoka'a as I leave the Studio
I was a bit depressed yesterday, I was on antidepressants of several years but when we moved here, I wasnt going to have a doctor so I weaned myself off. We later came to the realization that not only was I struggling with cronic illness that was creating a systemic depression, but also was undergoing an undianosed early menopause. I am still struggling with the aftermath of this. Due to the HUGE amount of cancer in my family HRT is not an option its cold turkey for me.
The SSRI pills slowed the mood swings, and made me more tractable as far as Woody is concerned, but I always felt drugged and not myself. I really feel more alive not taking them but its not always easy to live real... ( Disclaiamer... I had the option to take this medication, if you are in need of taking medications please take them... Both of my parents needed them and I have had many friends that are able to live normal lives through better living through pharmacy. Please take your meds if you need them!)
I think in giving up my dreams, I give myself mental room to think out side of my own mental box. But it is a painful thing, because we take such pride in our self direction. For much of my life I was so mentally ill and not able to even plan a weeks worth of activity, let alone some of the adventures we have had in the last few years. I feel a bit defeated but I know that I have nothing to be less than proud of and by comming here and trying the life I have at least done it and can feel good about that. I would have always wondered the what ifs had I not made the move.
Im concerned that Woody wants to move because that has been his way to deal with problems. He moved his exwife all over central california, in hopes to resolve their marital issues. Trouble is that home is always where you are, and you change only the backdrop in the play of life, not the script. This has never been the way my life has been and I wont move just for a change, but only if its the only alternative.
Woody had a very interesting set of phone calls yesterday. The local Catapiller Dealership is calling him for a job interview there in Kona. He has 30 years of experience in the Forklift and Heavy Machinery biz and this would be a job that would pay well. Hed be in Kona 5 days a week, so hed be pretty much living over there. They do have a branch in Hilo and eventually he could get a transfer over there. We shall see how things go. I know hed rather do this rather than do anything else...
I dont know that we would hear about the decision prior to going to Ohio. I still would like for him to go so he has the experience to help me on the weekends if we get backed up and so he can be the owner manager of the store, and understand what is going on. But if it means that he will not get the job it will be interesting to see if he goes.
I was a bit bummed as I went to bed last night, but Mak and Nani jumped up on the bed after I got in and with purrs and sandpaper kisses...how can you stay bummed out... After all the important things in life are just that simple. We are ok, and not digging out from a third major hurricane, losing everything... (we arent going there, no way... ) We have our health and God has brought us out from under a financial disaster.
I see a new road ahead, and I am ready to go once I get Divine marching orders.
