September 29, 2004

The Seal Beach Peir shot from the 2nd sink

She sits up so quickly sand flies in every direction. "You are what?" she demanded then thought "Oh, this is great, you are really slipping now. Not only do you hear voices in your head, but you are hearing them outside your head as well. There is nobody out here, foolish enough to be walking out here in this fog but yours truly..." Then the voice returns and says

"I AM"

She likes the voice, it is a sound she could listen to the rest of her days and not grow tired of. Years later she will be asked if the voice is male or female, its more than that... its every beautiful sound you can ever imagine, like music, and it is pitched just above the roar of the surf, but not so loud as to be frightening. looking around she says "OK, enough of the joke, if soemone else is here, show yourself and help me out of the sink hole before the tide comes up." There is silence just the surf and the birds... She sighs and asks the fog " So You arent going to help me?" and rolling out of the fog came The Voice again

"I AM"

Something gnaws at her. Something from the past, from time so long before that she had nearly forgotten about it. It was before the past 10 years of searching and struggling for purpose and meaning, looking for acceptance and love with men and parties and money and drugs and a lifestyle that shamed her even as she sat on the beach in the damp fog. It was before the incedents that shredded what little faith that she had in a God and in people, as she struggled in a upbringing that was viewed as pitiful by outsiders, and criminally neglectful by others, but nothing was ever done about it. The memory is of songs and stories at a church that was like a warm home in a storm, but that was before the boy and the stairwell and the denial that such a thing could happen in their church and didnt I come from that basket case family with the mad drunken father and the mad church lady mother and the wild brother? I must be crazy too and Id best leave and not come back until I repented of the lie I was telling...

Yes that was when I decided that God didint really exist and that it was a lie. That being a Christian was a lie and the bible was a book of stories as they said it was in school. But what did they say that Gods name was... and The Voice came out of the fog again....

"I AM"

Yes, that was it. This is GOD speaking... God... Well if I have lost my mind finally, I might as well make the best of it. "Ok, if you are God, and you are going to help me then answer me this. How come my life is such a mess? Why doesnt anyone love me and why do I have to deal with all of this? Tell me that! Why have you ignored me all of these years? Why did you let me get swept out to sea right here so long ago..."

In the silence that followed, she was taken back to that memory of being swept out to sea by the surf in the sink where she was sitting. She sees her mother standing on the shore watching her as the tide pulls her out. In later years she was told of the incedent that mother wouldnt put her brother down for fear that he would crawl out into the water after her and she would lose us both. That was suppose to be and acceptable explanation for the neglect. This rip tide never gives up the victims until days later when they wash up at the Weapons Station miles down shore. But not that day. That was a bonefide miracle. That a toddler would survive and be swept back in where she was taken by the tide... Only God could have done that

"God did you save me then?" she said quietly. Silence... Then one after another came the memories of other times, some very violent, others just stupid, right up to the morning of October 1 1987, When the massive quake rolled though her home, the large objects that barely missed her and the chimney bricks that fell. The fact that she had just been in the now condemned garage, where all of the boxes tools and things had fallen from the rafters. She had been saved more times than she knew...

"Are you still here, God"

"I Am"

She notices something else. The voices in her head have gone silent. For the first time in her concious life she doesnt hear many voices in her mind, just her own voice, her spirit is at peace. There is inner quiet. The aching emptiness still hurts but is not unbareable. Her mind is not spinning and insted seems to be tracking and mentaly she sees lists of things that need to be done...

"God, did you fix me? I dont feel broken any more..." "Hey I dont want you to leave once I go and I have to go cause Amy is waiting for me...Are you going to stay with me?"

The fog was lifting! A golden sun was peaking out from behind the clouds and as I stood there the beach and the peir was gilded with a light like I had not seen. I could see that if I faced the peir and walked to the right I could easily walk out of the sink, and up to the top of the high sand berm, and back towards the peir with no difficulty. Again that wonderful sound came to my ears.

"I AM"

She said "Yes, You Are..." and she began to laugh, Laugh like she had not laughed in so long. Laugh as tears are running down her face. Laugh for a unknown future that she was no longer afraid of.

She turned and looked at the 2nd Sink. From the top of the berm, it seemed as deep as the Grand Canyon while inside of it... "Are you sure, God? Maybe I am not worth the trouble its going to take to save me..." The sun began to warm her, drying the damp clothing and causing the sticking sands to drop away...The wind was blowing the last of the fog inland and like caressing song The Voice resounded

"I AM"

She walked to her car, climbed in and never looked back