September 16, 2004
That Simple Dream Ended....
Sunny Day at Lilioukalani Park
I knew this life was full of sorrow
Still I believed that good times would follow
That the evils would falter and true hearts would rise...
True hearts would rise...
That simple dream ended
On the night that it died...
Even the sound of the ocean roaring
Brings back the longing, and stirs up the aching
Peaceful surroundings that nurtured my soul
Nurtured my soul,
The world spins without meaning
Now that its gone
Sometimes I still think that I will come back
And find that things are more open to me
But deep in my heart, i know the door will be closed
and my dear dream..
will forever be gone...
You are as lovely as Your evening sky
where planets turn and the Joy Star rises
My sweet Hawaii so warm and so green
Hawaii my own,
The world spins without meaning
Now that its gone
Sometimes I still think that I will come back
And find that things are more open to me
But deep in my heart, I know this season has closed
and my dear dream..
is forever done...
I knew this life was full of sorrow
Still I believer that good times would follow
That the evils would falter and true hearts would rise...
True hearts would rise...
That simple dream ended
On the night that it died...
This is a re write of one of the most heart rending songs I have ever heard. It was written by Elaine Rubenstein, one of the English lit instructors out at Orange coast college at the time...she is also a mentor and lyricist for Fernando Ortega, a Christian singer songwriter that I admire. The professor lost her only sibling her precious brother and the life that the two of them shared and the retirement that they dreamed of...no mates or children for each of them no other family...He was her best friend and his loss left her so bereft and alone... I have felt a resonance to her words about life just spinning and the loosendedness of it all...
Our situation is not so desparate but for the last few days I have felt like something has died... my Hawaiian Dream... All of the plans that we had and the hopes that we had. Its hard to explain but its like I know that I need to allow
my dreams to die so that what ever God is going to do is allowed free rein to develope...
Woody said it over breakfast on monday... If this repair business doesnt take off we need to look at other options while we can. We need to sell out while the market is hot, get the best price and get back to the mainland before we go compleatly broke. And get stuck here...I know that he is right, but it doesnt lessen the pain.
Perhaps it is borrowing trouble, but I have this feeling about it that hes right...with a womans intuition that things arent good. I have had a recurring nightmare that Woody has a heart attack and dies and I am stuck in a mess. We are working on getting a plan together so we dont have the probate thing and Id have resources to do something...good for both of us for while Woody has health issues I seem to have a death wish, pretty darn near slammed my car yesterday into a pole to avoid another crazy driver...
Where do we go? For we cannot sell our home unless we have somewhere to go as there is such a shortage of rentals that wed be homeless for sure. So a place would have to be scoped out first and that is way more than I want to think about I cannot imagine migrating again accross the pond. Plus hauling two cats through homeland security and a long plane flight. They will die of fright. We looked at homes on monday think that we could down scale move into a condo ect...and its just not possible for there are none to be had.
Woody called and ad placed in National Jeweler for a jewelry store for sale in Jacksonville Beach Florida..." Hey its got beaches, palm trees...whats the difference?" The differences have names like Charly, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne, if you get my 145MPH, 20 plus inches of rain no drainage drift..." Well we have them here and shucks we live near to the freaking volcano so what's a bit of wind... just look at the cheap houses and stuff..." OMG....Woody doesnt know what a "Carpetbagger" is...For those of you new to American History Google "Carpetbagger" In the south, taking advantage of someone's misfortune is not well thought of. You arent thought to be clever or anything... Anyway... Woody is not the "actor" in this relationship... so I dont have a For Sale sign on Azure Seas or Hale Puuhonua...but I am not opposed now, which I was a week ago.
My spirit is broken, like a mustang that has given up fighting the bit, and is consenting to take the saddle.Its the feeling that Ive sold out...That I am a quitter...I hate it. This is a scary place to be. Once I stop fighting things tend to decay in our lives...
Maybe its all so that when I go to Mansfield in two weeks that I will be more teachable, and flexible. No matter what, I will be able to use what I learn wherever I go in this life. I have fully retrained now four times carrer wise and I am 42. I hope that I will have found something now that will sustain me.
I burned my bridges in California. I am not returning there. I just dont know...
I know that God knows and I do my best to trust Him. I believe that there was a purpose in comming here but I dont know what it was and may never know.
...But still I believe that good times will follow...
