December 11, 2004

04 The Golden Sands Seal Beach

I drove up to Bellflower to see Mom... There at the home the charge nurse met me at the reception area and took me in... From then on I had 24 hour visitation rights as I was from out of town. The place is clean, no smells, and calm. The patients are dressed for the most part and up and around. But I did think they didn't have enough staff. I am correct about that. When I walked into her room I was stunned...

Laying in the bed was a women half the size I remembered, wizened and pale... She looked at me and began crying like an infant... Not that she was happy to see me but that they wouldn't get her up and dressed so she could be presentable... She's not up to that and I told her not to worry about that.

After spending several hours with her, I was exhausted, and in shock... She is a vegetable with a brain. You know we have this debate about which do you want to go first the mind or the body... I will take the mind thank you after seeing this. Here is a woman that has always had her own way, done for herself but now...

Is in pain, but has not the breath to speak and to ask for a pain pill...

Is hungry, but her hands freeze up as the food is halfway to her mouth...

Has always had a sense of personal dignity, but is now unable to do the least personal thing for herself...

Id rather die...

She has always barked orders at me. I have always thought that she thought of me as a thing to be used rather than to be loved. There was no change now finally I told her that I was not there to jump and run to get everything. Some things could wait and some could not. If she needed changing or a turn or a pain pill absolutely, but moving her huge pile of stuff ( a source of endless frustration for the nurses)getting her a fast food meal(the dietary director said NO)or chasing down a staff member to change something that didn't need changing....Its all about control with her...somethings never change