December 10, 2004
08
"Brandy" my favorite rose. Descanso Gardens
Roses are my passion. One of my HUGE regrets about Hawaii is my inability to grow them here. Its just too wet. Even with the sudden cold this beautiful flower was blooming like mad, as were many of the others.
Roses are a perfect symbol of how adversity brings growth and new life. For nearly all of them the more you prune the better they grow. Each requires its own level of pruning, but all need some for glorious blooms
But they do stop blooming after a bit, and take a rest. If you didn't know better you would think that the plant is dead, no leaves no flowers... But its not... An interesting metaphor...
"I want to die"
"Why wont God take me"
Mom plays these video tapes of Bill Gaither, some are pretty old and a lot of the older singers are long gone to glory. She will recite who is and isn't here with us and then she pointed at Rich Mullins who was guesting on one of these recorded concerts... He was killed in an accident a few years ago... And Mom said " Why would God take that young man in the prime of his life and leave me here?"
There is of course no answer for that...
She says that she is not afraid to die one minute then is the next... That's pretty human, but we are a family that is so pragmatic about death that we shock and upset people with our casualness about it. This is because we are well acquainted with it, My father was a suicidal manic depressive and both he and Mom felt it was best that we children knew what that was all about and how to deal with it. I am grateful for that... So her comments surprised me.
It also doesn't surprise me. I would want to take the easy way out of I was in her situation at least I would be tempted to take a gun to myself, as I wouldn't want to live that way, but then if God wills it then He will give me a way to handle it. So I trust Him.
Moms crisis of faith surprises me. Remember the teabag... I don't want to be like this. We had a daily discussion of death. "Why wont God take me...?" I am afraid to die." I was able to tell her that she has nothing to fear. I have had a near death or actual death experience. ( the nurse overheard my talking and was fascinated. She said I was likely dead as my blood pressure was 65/40, and I was in cardiac arrest from anaphlyctic shock) I can tell you that it was the most peaceful warm fuzzy feeling. There was the light and tunnel like visual but my vision had a corona sort of light field around the peripheral of my vision. But I was not afraid.
I spoke of her brother who told her that" death was a part of living and her wasn't afraid of it" He died a beautiful peaceful death after a long illness.
For the Believer, death is the beginning, the door to the great adventure, to our real life. I was disturbed by the doubts in her mind.
It left me often deeply sad. I would leave the nursing home really depressed...Always putting her fate in the Hand of One Who Knows What is Best... For it is beyond me to do anything else.
