December 10, 2004

11 Paths through the oaks... As I turned onto this trail a yearling fawn stepped out in front of me about 25 feet away. I started to raise the camera but she bounded off. There is a lot of wildlife, both birds and animals that roam through this preserve that is just minutes away from downtown Los Angeles. Descanso Gardens

I sat here, hoping the deer would come back and thought a lot. I had been to see the couple that have been helping Mom financially and other wise and really was very surprised at what I found. Mom continues to spend around 250.00 a month and she has only 35.00 available. These folks are making up the rest. I had no idea and was horrified that this senior couple was footing my Moms bills. Its really wrong and I feel bad but I am not in a position to make this up and do much about it and my dear brother never returned a phone call nor showed up while I was there.

I know that Mom wants things. But she hasn't the money and for years I have struggled with her on this. She spends, then gets in trouble, then the church would bail her out. Her sister has bailed her out and I have constantly done so. So now with all of her needs met she is still in this pickle I couldn't believe it.

I told these kind folks to STOP doing this. Stop buying her stuff she will cry but she will get over it. Sell the expensive scooter that I asked her not to buy... How they qualified her for the payments I don't know...

Its not senility, its selfishness, and a need to control. God knows I must sound like a heartless bitch, but after a lifetime of dealing with this...(as a child my parents stole my change Id collect from babysitting, and later as soon as Id start to save for something a "need" would come up and Id be shamed or coerced into giving my savings to them... Never mind the fact that as a single person first out on my own I went hungry to pay my own rent.. Bitter... I try not to be, but it still hurts)

It went on between us too at the home. She said..." I need a bunch of things at the store and began to rattle off everything from chocolate syrup to "placemats to dress the place up." I said she was out of her mind and I wasn't doing it. Then the crying and how I wasn't a good daughter which she repented of right away.

This wasn't old age... She said things like this to me 10 years ago, and the wounds are still fresh today...