December 10, 2004

13 the fern forest stream. Everyone who sees this thinks of Hawaii and it did remind me of my Island home. Its growing so well you can barely see the stream and water falls below

"Are you taking you Mom with you when you move back to the mainland, where ever it is that you settle?"

"No, don't you think that would be rather difficult? Imagine getting her through Homeland Security at the airport."

"But she needs someone to supervise her care, someone to feed her three times a day, and make sure they are doing the right thing for her."

"So, the nursing home only does half of what it is supposed to do, and I must do it or I have to hire someone to do it?"

"Yes, that is how it is"

"You're joking"

"No"

Folks, its hell getting old, and being old and sick is really hell. The nurses reassured me that they do help my Mom eat and attend her, but they are way above the standard care ratio in California of 6 patients to every nurse, More like 10 to one. The Home was reducing the number of patients that week to be in compliance. This happened to the facility owned by the same company here in Hilo, They were unable to hire more nurses, its not the money its the lack of people willing to do the job.

I was challenged by people to hire a person to oversee Moms care. For 25.00 per hour, a person comes three times a day to feed and supervise the care of your loved one. I tried to find someone just to give me information, and after calling several people, who were willing to talk to me and put me on a waiting list, I was convinced that this is the profession of this new century as all of us Boomers get decrepit and find ourselves instutionalized... I would do this in a heartbeat, both hire a person to help my Mom and be a part of the solution by doing this for a living. The money thing is the issue.

Here in Hawaii, the state will pay you to care for your loved one in your home and I know a number of people that do this as a job. I think this is a good thing and perhaps other states should look into this. However there is a residency waiting period of two years, and I wasnt up to having Mom here in my home unassisted by the medical establishment. I am unable to lift her as I have severe osteoporosis in my spine and have no business lifting anything heavier than a fork... and that must be curtailed...and is.

I also had personal reasons for creating this distance between us. I had been caregiving to her prior to this move to Hawaii. She wanted me to come to her place everyday for a lot of trivial BS, just so I would be there. She asked me to help her manage her money, then fought me tooth and nail on it. At the same time we were taking care of Woody's mother who needed to be in a nursing home, but wouldn't go and no one would make her... It wears a person down... Especially when you are handling this alone. I bless Mom's friends who are stepping in to help, but their expectations of me financially and otherwise are not realistic. I must be careful to not to have unrealistic expectations of myself emotionally. I can only do what I can do, and to beat myself up is as wrong as allowing others to help me do it.