December 10, 2004

14 the golden gingko trees. There are a pair of them in the central court yard of the garden. Since they had dropped their leaves already I took a snapshot of this one....The first time I brought Woody here he stood enraptured by the swirling fall of golden leaves and proposed to me... Sadly I laughed at him and threw a handful of leaves at him and asked why I should do such a thing... He said " because I love you..." I stopped laughing and for reasons known only to God I said yes, after nearly a year of saying no... Woody swears that it is the curative powers of the gingko tree, I think it was momentary insanity on my part...

"Im glad you saw our bench and our gingko Trees...And you are telling the world about a really happy moment in my life, in the middle of all of this misery. You know, You will have to deal with me next, and likely its my mind that will go, that's how it is in my family. Do what you have to do. I understand and know that you will do the right thing for me... But I am worried about you and what will happen to you when you are old and alone in this world..."

Woody, to me regarding this post, as he has been reading over my shoulder....

Yes I am concerned too but I am trying to not dwell on it as we all will be there. I have tried to imagine us boomers all old and in various stages of needing care as "we are the most self indulgent generation in history" which is a lot of BS. We are also the healthiest and the most active as well. I have told Woody not to worry as we are doing the right thing by trying to find a place that we can settle that is cheaper and more conducive to a retirement lifestyle.

I know in my heart that I may have seen my Mom for the last time in this life. She asked me as I was feeding her dinner on the last night I was there..."What am I going to do when you leave me here?" I said "Well, the same as you were before I got here, my coming to visit didn't change anything did it? It was just good that I came to see you don't you think?" She nodded.

Im comfortable with that. Sitting here in Puna in the sunlight of my Hawaii, I am far away from that little room. 100 things that I dread were encapsulated there and I ran as fast as I could to get away. That is why my brother isn't that much involved. The whole thing is scary...

I hope that she doesn't linger much longer... I am not too concerned about getting back for the funeral, or the burial. She wont be there anyway, and that will be a good thing. I want her to be free again, free not only of the physical restraints but of the emotional and spiritual brokenness that we all have. Joni Erickson Tada, a Christian author and speaker, who has spent most of her life in a wheelchair due to a teenage diving accident says..." Do you think its dancing that I am looking forward to in heaven? Or being free from this wheelchair and all of its limitations? No its being free from the spiritual bondage of sin and separation from my Loving Father! And being reunited with my family that has gone on before me. That will be a wonder to me..." Would that we all experience that...