January 11, 2005

...To A Land Which I Will Show You...

Kamoamoa Bench Flow HVO Photo

Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go forth from your country, And from your relatives And from your father's house, To the land which I will show you;

Genesis 12:1


Now therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, to the land which I am giving to them--the children of Israel... No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage, Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law ; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1

So they both went until they came to Bethlehem. And when they had come to Bethlehem, all the city was stirred because of them, and the women said, "Is this Naomi?"
She said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.
"I went out full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?"

Ruth 1:19-21

It is a cold wet winter night the rain is pouring down and has for three days...The frogs are singing and I am burning a copy of "Lux Aeterna"... I am at the place in the service when the Host is elevated and the Alleluias are sung and it is a glorious thing...like the tropical night the choir reaches this height and then there is a hush, and a stillness, as you meditate on your loss and the Ultimate Victory over Death we can have...


I wasn't sure how to start this post... I got the comment from Loren, and thank You that was shot in the arm... It is just been depressing here... Like California we are having torrential rains, its grey and nasty...Hilo wont have the flooding that California get but Oahu and Kauaii get it big time...

The moving people are starting to come for the estimates. The yard guys are working in the wet. Nothing stops for rain here, or nothing would ever happen... We are cleaning out stuff... Just when you think you have your junk cleaned out you find more. I tossed out all of the catalogs for the purchasing end of Azure Seas... I can always order up more on the mainland should I pursue the jewelry business again. I packaged 10 packs of of new and used vintage and modern postcards for Mya to put on eBay. Will sell... they do and we are setting up a separate account for decorating and new things...

The finality of leaving, like a terminal illness has set in. At lunch today, Woody read my post from yesterday. He doesnt always read me, but he said that today when he read it, it left him feeling like he should not be happy to leave here. He cant wait to shake the dust off his boots. He has a childlike faith as I said before as spiritually deep as a mudpuddle and just as murky... He said that he "knows it will be better..." Truthfully, I have my doubts.

I think the hardest thing for me to get over is how one can hope and hope and hope for a better day and not have it. The killer thing is that moving is not likely to solve our problems... I dont know if there is a solution. How does a semi employable 55 year old man get his nerve back? How does a 43 year old woman who has been out of the full time office workforce get back in? Do we want to get back in? I dont... I just want to be left alone. I have taken so much abuse in the work place. I have never been sucessful at any job that I have tried to do. I cant tell you many times I have asked God to show me what to do... what is my life's work, perhaps it is failure...

I guess that the struggle to let go of Hawaii is that this place has been the focus of so much effort...indeed longing... for nearly 10 years, between looking for a place I could live and not die from my allergies... (yes that plays on my mind now, will going back to the mainland mean back to drugs that dull my mind and a daily struggle to breathe and not have hives the size of dinner plates, that is terrifying.)...to the discovery and the waiting and the move and the over three years of struggle here. We wonder if the ageism factor that keeps Woody from working here is universal. Read the blog "Time Goes By" and you wonder. He's afraid too of this, but we know that minimum wage goes a lot futher everywhere else but here.

Its a complete reformation of thinking...and the resulting dying to self, for if I wanted I could say "Im Staying" and Woody would do it but that would be wrong. Turns out this blog is the only place in the world I can truly express my grief in the dying, for few of our friends understand the move at all...


There is the continued anxiety of the process. for example, I was in the International Shipping Business for 10 years and have followed the trade through publications ect... the bottle neck that LA has become for the flood of imported stuff comming into the US is staggering. Last July 4th 140 vesseles were backed up to be unloaded in the Los Angeles Long Beach harbors, shortages of equipment, railspace and over the road carriers make the months between Post Chinese New Year and October 31 peak shipping season, with the climax being around July 15. Frieght has its priorties..."Personal Effects" come in dead last in the priority system...So the sooner we can get our stuff out of here and on the water the better... After speaking to a few people I found that this is radically true. Better to ship in march and camp outin the empty house, so to speak and get our stuff in 4-7 weeks then ship in April and wait up to 4 weeks longer... It also costs more each day we wait. Its cheaper to ship a smaller load, but if I can load a container, I can have it dropped "intact" in La to the rail and into Houston in 3 weeks from Honolulu and possible less into Bentonville via the Walmart Express that leaves daily from LA Harbor for transloading there at their terminal, a mover would then dray the "can" to where ever we want the stuff dropped. The time factor and security of the intact move makes it worth the push forward...

Push forward, and dont look back...

The verses above tell me three things...1. God has a plan, even when you cant see it...2.you can count on God... be strong and courageous...3.even if things dont turn out God is still there...but it still hurts...even to a joy filled resolution ...



1-11-2005 The Tropic Line Rolled over us with a huge and beautiful electrical storm. I hurriedly got off line and so didnt finish this post... and the cats and I went to the room that I use as an office where with a few candles burning we watched the storm roll over us through a window. It rained and rained...our clogged up gutters overflowed and it was waterfalls of water over the window amazing and beautiful...

To be continued