February 27, 2005
Fragments
the Secret Cove -along the Red Road to Pohiki
We spent the hours before midnight last night cleaning and preparing for the dismantiling today. We are tired and sad... We were working and I had stepped out and came back a bit later to find Woody and our new friend L.E. who is an electrician, were taking down my WAC halogen lights this morning. These are pendant lights, with beautiful hand painted trupet shaped glass globes that I sent away to Italy for back in 2002. I built the color sceme of the first store around them and put them up in the new store even when they didnt go with anything for the sheer fun of them. I was so looking forward to having them where ever we moved to....
...Its ok I dont need to take this apart. They are hard to get off. No you dont need to wrap them up, I will be careful...Woody you worry too much if I just pull the pan off and you get under them... The screw came loose and the pan fell off into L.E.s hands allowing the globes to swing wildly, and crash into the ladder and into themselves, smashing to bits. I gasped and nearly fainted. I kid you not. I staggered out into the back parking lot and lay over the hood of my car gasping for air and dry sobbing... All I could see was those precious beautiful delicate glass trumpets smashing the bits falling to the floor...repeated again and again...
I feel like those smashed bits, broken and good for nothing, and the pain of these feelings is not comming out easy, with crying and such... To see that incedent, which I know what just a super amout of male stupidity...(sorry guys, but I dont think women are so careless of these things) and to have to keep it in and not start yelling or dealing with it, possibly could have been life threatening. My chest still hurts inside from when my heart lurched, and those dry heaves...
I came back in and found them doing similar stupid with the other one, Woody trying to wrap them while LE is unscrewing... I wigged and ordered them to stop. Woody said they werent stoping, but LE did long enough for Woody to get the other one wrapped and they nearly dropped it, but it resides safe and sound in my trunk tonight ready for the trip back to wherever...
LE responded that he was buying the fixture and why was I so upset... nobody died? What I havent mentioned is that he is a gay man and has a partner Rodney that would have had a hysterical fit over this. So its not about his having a "wife" or not...he has one... so to speak...I wanted to scream that the money isnt the issue (why is it that cash solves everything with men?) None of the players understands what happened to me. Woody said I was dumb... I said nothing...
I have... I dont know anymore why I feel anything?... LE was right...nobody died... just me... and a light fixture. A hope and a dream, crushed by indifference. An expensive object of art ruined by carelessness... No big deal. A few dollars in exchange for that which made the dream possible... a few dollars for the light fixture and new globes, different ones will be bought, he got a 900.00 fixture for 300.00 he and Woody thought that fair...
What is fair?...I am so afraid inside. What if all that I love is to be taken away? I am plauged with irrational fears like the container that my things are loaded in is lost at sea, or my kitties die or are lost in the air transit...I know that I SHOULD be a big strong believer and that God will fix it... but the continuing hurts and the seeming indifference of all those that surround me is more than I can bear at times.It feeds the fear like wood on a fire...There is absolutly no human in my circle right here with me that will say "I understand", or will hug me and say "I know how you feel"... I am fragmented and as broken as those globes and no one cares enough to glue the peices back together again...
