April 14, 2005
Ke Moana e Aloha (the sea that I love)
Ke Moana e Aloha or "The Sea that I Love" The wild shore near Keaukaha Hilo
I have written a lot that I am having a lot of trouble being positive about moving. One thing that I have learned is that if I blog it, things ease up. I suppose its like confession, you get it off of your chest. So....I thought that since I have written about the negative things I wont miss I should write about things that I will miss and that seem to be the Knife twisters...
1. Living in the land of
Bruddah Iz I love this mans voice and to hear him sing Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina I Ka Pono E Hawaii.(the state motto " The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness, O Hawaii) was to hear the sound of the spirit of the "Native Hawaiian" crying out. Makes your hair stand on end. This man is a local hero and he is played all the time on the radio...
2. Hearing Hawaiian music all the time... I never grow tired of it, especially "Slack Key" guitar. The thought of going back to garbage top 40 or worse the tiano mexican Omm-pah music makes me want to gag...
3. Hearing Hawaiian language in my ears. I realzed that I speak a different language from you now, English peppered with Hawaiian that I worked hard to incorporate into my speech so I would fit in and be culturally literate. When will I stop using "Pau" for finished and "Mahalo" for thank you. I can read enough Hawaiian to learn new words and how they are used in a sentence... This is usless now??? I dont know and I am not sure how I feel about the loss.
4. Being surrounded by the ocean. You have seen this place through my camera lense so you know what I mean I love the landscape here and the dramatic shoreline.
5.Living in the open. Woody and I slept with the slider open wide last night and the air temperature was perfect. We were at the same level with the palm branches and the rustling fronds were a comfort to me. I started sobbing over this. Perhaps I am just weary.... but this is how it was at the house too. Everything was open. I will miss the fresh air. The very smell of the air, green.... salty.... flowers...
6. Pride of Place. I have written about this before. I know that life is more than a zipcode, but it is special to have a Hawaiian License and be Kama aina a local. Now I can only be a visitor. I resent that I really do... Not sure how I will get over this part....
7. Not having Hawaii as a part of my daily life... just like a dysfunctional relationship, having it can be good as it helps you focus on this rather your issues. Also I find Hawaii and how this place is a facinating subject for writing about and reading about. I need to figure out how this loss will affect me in the long run, now I just cry about it.
8. The loss of the familiar. Saying goodbye to Kathy was hugely painful...Saying goodbye to my bank teller, wait staff at resturants. Seeing someone move into the store space...The realization that today was the last time I will be inside my home ever again. Or drive the Pahoa hwy... Touch a Ohia blossom or smell the tahitian Gardena in my garden. My car... My computer...This is a loss. With no certainty of a positive outcome. My very strong nesting instinct rebels against this over and over... I change... The finality of these changes is making me sick. I feel like I am plunging into an abbyss.
I know that God is watching over me. I know that God is allowing this to go forward and I know that my God will supply all of my needs....Then why does it hurt so much... Its the loss of hopes and dreams... The failure of vision and uncertainty
