October 08, 2005

Control Freak reprised...

Coconut Island Hilo Bay Big Island, The Hawaiians called this small spit of lava flow Mokuolu, the island of healing. It was believed that the bubbling of fresh water springs near the island were healing spirit breath, as the salt water was freshened by this action. If you were prayed over by the Kahuna (priest) and swam around the island three times...or if you were too sick to do this a close member of your family of the same gender could do this as proxy...You would be healed. This healing action has been documented and to this day people are prayed for and do the ritual swim with amazing results. Students of the Bible, I know you can see correlations of this to healings mentioned there... I believe that this is faith in action, touching the hem of His garment, or dipping seven times in the Jordan... We all need faith, we just acquire it at different rates.

I wanted to thank all of you that wrote such wonderful comments to yesterdays post. For posterity's sake I am going to post them in a quote block here on the blog so when Halo scan decides to erase them I wont lose them. I will update them if others post comments as well. Smooth, comment was edited as you desired!

The lack of trust in God gets stronger and stronger as you realise you can’t trust other people. When you have other people about you can relax and trust God but when you don’t have those people you get tensed up. Like when you’re learning to swim and some well-meaning minnie is saying, "just relax and float" and you know you’re so clenched up inside with fear that you’re going to float like a brick. I realised that when I had my accident. Barely conscious and doped up I could see the fear in my elderly father’s eyes and I realised completely that I’m no-one’s little girl anymore and a few hours later I knew there was no point in calling Ol’ Will Lockhart either for measured sympathy and the fear in his voice that I might take myself there to convalesce. My faith was so lousy. It had always been in other people and that God would take care of me via them and when they weren’t there anymore neither was my faith.

And congratulations to Woody. No matter the attitude of the people at the clinic it takes bravery to do that sort of thing.
Luz | Homepage | 10.08.05 - 1:32 pm | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How completely touching (everything I've read here today) but in my heart I know (and it's been said before) wherever you are, you are right where you need to be. Bless you all. (-, _ -)
mensa B | Homepage | 10.08.05 - 4:16 pm | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweet Hokulea, how can I help you? I want to help you. Please tell me what can I do for you. Personally, I am learning that we don't stop maturing and growing and that this process is lifelong. Ok, you already knew that LOL! Seriously speaking, we are not finished pieces of jewelry at any set age, we are works in progress. That's a bumper sticker of a sentiment, but you know I don't write that well but you know what I mean. What I am trying to say is that every day is another day to start over again, to renew a commitment, to restate a vow, to try harder, to be a better person, to love better, to be closer to perfect. If I thought that I was done maturing at 47 years of age, knowing what a f*ck up I really am, I would just pack it all in and take a boat to China. If it means anything, please know in your heart, that I adore you and Luz like nothing else. I'm sending you a big hug. I am not sure I understand Woody's fear regarding your infection, but I understand the fear of intimacy, and the reluctance to trust. I suffer from those myself, so please don't feel (alone) and know that G_d placed inside you a desire to have a joy of life, and that you will know that joy in your lifetime, as it has been promised.
Smooth | Homepage | 10.08.05 - 8:18 pm | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This lack of trust bagan early.

Of course it did. That's why you're like that now. If it hadn't happened to you early, you wouldn't be like this. Our early childhood shapes us into the people we become. Have you had any therapy as a child of alcoholic? Your need to control of course comes from the fact that as a child you had NO control...so you're over-compensating. I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't already know.... but figure it can't hurt to say and validate the feelings you're having. Hang in there!
esther | Homepage | 10.08.05 - 8:44 pm | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know all too well the trials of childhood with an alcoholic parent...To that childhood, add years of marriage to a substance abuser that included alcohol, prescription drugs and street drugs as well. Thank goodness THAT part is, while not ancient, at least history.

And I suppose I will always be a control freak as a result.
Cowtown Pattie | Homepage | 10.09.05 - 12:08 am | #

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to answer some of the questions as I think that they fill in gaps in my story.

I entered intensive therapy at BIOLA university in 1988, and was singled out for work with an intern that was to go on and become one of the heads of psychology for the State of California Criminal Justice system, and now works with the FBI. Some of the big names in Christian Counseling today assissted with my case over a 6 year period. If you follow Christian Media you would know several of them, Name dropping isnt why I say this. I know that that God appointed me to be a part of that exciting time at that institution for these were the tools for my recovery, lesser minds would have sent me to a hospital and said "too broken to fix" Where I am today is a result of a lot of very hard work.

To answer Esther's query. yes, as a part of the initial phase of therapy I was required to go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. I did so. Three things happened. I met a number of people that I knew outside of meeting that were a mess after years of work in meeting, two, I had men buzzing around me like flies because they could smell "meat"...my weaknesses attracted them, thats why mixed meetings are not really good for most people and three after a few months of going I realized that I kept hearing the same stories over and over the same rage and pain and fianlly at one meeting I asked this guy..."So, when do you say I forgive you, you rotten set of parents that had rotten parents themselves and didnt know what the heck they were doing... and go the heck forward?" I was thrown out of the meeting.

My counselor knew this would happen. The next night was a session where I told her that I was sick of "the crybabies" that didnt want to get well... she then told me that she knew that would happen and what she did was to sucessfully inoculate me against the permanant pity party of 12 step. Sorry to those that get help from that method, but frankly many people never get throught step four, ie "the searching and fearless moral inventory" and the next steps of confrontation, confession and restitution. The want to spend the rest of their lives bitching about how bad tey had it. I know this, my brother is still stuck in this mode, forever punishing those around him for how bad he had it...

The day after I had this revelation, my first husband left me for good. He had been vacillating for months. I was alone, and could really do the examination required to dig the foundations of a new life. Two weeks later, I had my 14 word conversation with God that has radically changed my life. I still needed the six years of human guidance, which also included a relentlessly demanding job, a relentlessly demanding church, where I was involved in a ministry that was so... out in front of people that I compaired it to polishing metal, the more I led worship, stood in front of the church, the more transparent my life became the more I saw the faults left in me and the less I wanted to be,act,and think like the old me. I was hammered and forged, sandblasted and polished and rejoiced in that. I liked how I was turning out and was glad of it even when it hurt.

at 17 I wanted to be a United States Marine, but failed the physical. A Marine I know told me that the training I got was as tough mentally, emotionally and physically as any military could dish out. It tempered me into an adult that could handle a lot of things and was as functional as nearly anyone I would care to meet. It was an acheivement considering that I was slated for permanat confinement in a mental institution or death by my own hand...

Counselling ended in late 1993. I graduated sort of... basically they kicked me out by weaning me off. I had survived the horrible death of my father, ajustment to life on my own. I was advancing in my carreer in International Shipping and was doing very well. A month after that I met Woody. All seemed as it should be...

Two years later, a month into a marriage that was a mistake, a church and ministry in ruins, my carrer over, due to corporate colapse and bankruptcy, and my health shattered to the point where in may of 1994 I was given 6 months to live. I was as Jan stated "Light years away, yet just around the corner from where you started..." I realized that I was very much like the people in this verse

"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: The One who holds the seven stars in His right hand, the One who walks among the seven golden lampstands, says this:
'I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot tolerate evil men, and you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you found them to be false;
and you have perseverance and have endured for My name's sake, and have not grown weary.
'But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.
'Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first; or else I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place--unless you repent.
'Yet this you do have, that you hate the deeds of the Nicolaitans,(placing the teachings of certain men above the Word, the cult of celebrity and personality were getting way out of hand in this denomination I was a part of ) which I also hate.
'He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will grant to eat of the tree of life which is in the Paradise of God.'

The Revelation of Jesus Christ 2:1-7

So I repented of pride and trying to do it all myself and started over, but this time took the counsel of wise people that I was to meet along the way. One was a professional therapist but others were pastors wives and othes I was to meet at my new church and at my job at a faith based financial institution. Later in Hawaii, it was wise speaking from friends and of course a constant flow of study of the Bible and early Church fathers.

I am back at the place of doing the first works again I think, and this time I am not alone in the repenting and starting over. I have a very humbled husband that is trying to sort out his own life, and I am surrounded by friends in this neighborhood (was moving here an accident, no way!) I have a number of possible roads as far as corporate worship is concerned, any one of them will be enlightening. And I feel that I have sat on the bench long enough and need to get back to work in the ministry again. Maybe I am already and dont know it.

Physically I need work on gaining my health back. This recent event is symptomatic of the over work lack of good food and sleep engendered by the Hawaii/have ones own business/menopause/and the Huakai (long journey). I already feel better for being here and now I need to get into a good ruetine with good habits.

Pattie- a certain amount of control is good that is what has made you a great Mom. I salute you for moving on and making better chioces for your life. It shows.

Luz,- Woody thanks you for your prayers. It was a beast today I was at the screaming stage, as the opening is healing closed normally... uggh. I believe that this whole thing is a metaphore for a lot of baggage in my life that is also being dealt with right now.... and to you and Smooth I think this is a normal place to be at this time in our yours and my life. This middle time when we regroup and rethink and refocus our energy into what we know God wants us to do...not just what the world says we should do. Its harder for me as I am a stranger in a strange land... But I will become familiar and this place is welcoming and we are feeling more and more at home.

You are all a part of this too. My Wide Blue Seas is a vehicle for recovery and learning. I have learned from each of you from your comments and your own writing. You bless me beyond words. Thank you for your comments and may God bless every one of you that read my blog.