October 07, 2005
Control Freak
Quiet Street in Nashville Ohio...
Hello, my name is Hokulea and I am a control freak...If there was Control Freak Anonymous, Id be heading there to attend a meeting, where I could confess to God and my brothers and sisters what a mess I am.
I thought I was done thinking like this but as a dear lady therapist/confessor once said to me "Never Never Never forget who you are and where you have come from, for you are light years away, yet just around the corner from where you were when you started this quest. She was so right.
I began to take a mental survey last night when we left Major Doctors office. Since comming down with this infection in my neck having to deal with it has been a "pain in the neck". Not just the actual care, but peoples attitudes. Truth be told,no one has really wanted to deal with it straight up. I have felt like an imposition at every level, from the doctor, who while has been professional has made me feel like I really had to "suck it up and figure out a way to deal with this my self..." To Woody who dallied around and said he didnt want to help me cause he was afraid to. I had to tell the Major this every day this week, which I think disgusted him as everyone in the medical office felt this was so easy to deal with.
Neighbors and friends were intimidated, and home helth service felt it was beneath them... Personally I have hated this whole episode as I have felt like a whiner like I have not felt for nearly 10 years....
Having had HMO's and insurance, or when not insured never having a problem, by God's amazing grace, I have never had to deal with this. If this had been an HMO issue, they'd have had me in the hospital for the first 24 hours, then had a nurse out or me to the clinic. Here in Bella Vista, the nurse thing is the norm.
What would they have done with me had I been alone? What they didnt understand is that while Woody and I are contractually attached at the hip, there is no physical relationship. Without that sort of connectedness you just dont feel as attached, and he doesnt. So when I need something, I have to get it myself, or do without... I would rather have it this way anyway, as then I am assured that my basic needs are met.
Im told that this having to take charge and control everything is a survival mechanisim. Others would say that I am not a control freak that I dont care about order and I dont have to be the one in charge of everything. No, I can delegate well and have no problem with out comes of that.
No its personal. I know that if I have a need that I need to be met I have to go out and take care of it myself. That deep in my heart, no one nothing not even God can be trusted to take care of me. This is a falure at a deep deep level and affects the most importants aspects of life. This sort of control freak-ism effects the eternal well being of the sufferer. For the Bible says...
And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them.
But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
"Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
And He took them in His arms and {began} blessing them, laying His hands on them.
Mark 10:13-16This lack of trust bagan early. Once, a friend that I served in the ministry with told me that I needed to "develope childlike faith" I said "give me an example" He then told me that if one of his kids came in from playing and asked him to make them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, they would go back outside knowing that he would do it for them...I laughed at him and told him that "he was one of the best father's I had ever met, and of course hed do it... let me tell you about my experience... If I wanted a PB and J,I knew better than to ask my parents they were so involved in their problems of alcoholism, and mutual mental illness, that I would have to push up a chair to the counter to get the stuff down to make the sandwich, then I wouldnt just make one, Id make 4, two for me and two for my little brother, one for now and one for later, cause you just never knew at my house when meal time was..." It made this man cry, who had seen my careful looking out of the alley door at the church at night to check for creeps and the triple door locks on my house. Even now I do not trust that people will show up for appointments, or that return phone calls will come mostly they dont...
My slogan is that if in life you require something, you'd best be prepared to get it yourself. That creates a control freak. Childlike faith is a luxury I cannot afford.
Well, Woody decided he could do the "packing" in my neck and a darn good job of it he did. Actually it hurt less than when Major doctor does it. We arent sure if it was done exactly right, I didnt care, at least it was done.
Maybe someday things will come to apoint in my life where I can say yes I have developed the kind of faith that is described in Mark chapter 10. I am working on it step by step. One day perhaps I will be able to truly let go but today is not that day
