January 16, 2006

The Desert

Peaceful Palm Wailoa State Park Hilo Hawaii

I am living in the desert...mentally emotionally and creatively. I know that it sounds whiny and somewhat daft, but this last week was just awful.

It is impossible at work. I have absolutly nothing to do and a mountain of things I need to do at home. Its frustrating and demoralizing and I dont know if I can take another day of this mind numbing boredom. I dread going to work...I never thought that I would allow myself to feel like this.

My Dad told me a story about a NASA engineer that the powers that be wanted to be rid of, so they gave him an office and a secretary, and nothing to do. No projects to work on. Eventually the secretary quit and the poor man committed suicide.

I can see how this can be, I was a stark raving lunatic at points this past week.

I come home and I find that little is done, I dont know what to do with Woody. I was so mad at him this week I was ready to throw him out, but I dont think that I can...I dont know if Im being fair... He's fifty seven, overweight, not in the best health...maybe he cant get a job... He's getting dividends from his retirement fund nearly enough for a spartan life for the two of us... I am guessing that he feels that this is enough and that he doesnt need to do anything else

Maybe this is the way its going to be... I will work and Woody will... do whatever he does... I dont understand why God has me in this position. He swares he will do something I dont know what.

I cant work on the new business, cant clean my house, cant do anything... Im just frustrated beyond words.

I have cried screamed raved and contemplated actions as diverse as driving my van off a freeway bridge to quitting my job to getting a lawyer... None of these things are productive or in my best intrests. So I need to sit back and take a really deep breath... remembering that this situation is for MY good, that I am not responsible for what Woody does or doesnt do.

I am setting up a five year plan. I will work till I am 50, then I will hang it up if I want, even if that means a reduced quality of life, or still working part time.... I dont want to work like my mother did using up the last good years of her life trying to support herself. Im not doing that... burning up my creative energy punching buttons in a building, shut away from the sun. I will do what I can to endure, but I am having a really hard time.

I am living in a desert now, not much call for creativity, no call for love or passion. I am a drone. It stinks and I hate it. Im praying for God to deliver me soon.

I know that all of those blessed spiritually went though times like this... There is nothing like the refining fire of trial to refine one inwardly... but this is less a fire to gold than the sculptors tools on a peice of marble that He is shaping into His image. Sometimes it a chisle, or a planing tool...or sand paper...this feels like sandblasting...