February 08, 2006

Reclaimed Joy Of Life

Pacific Seas Hana Maui

I have come to the conclusion that with the way I seem to be made, the moment that any journey seems to be nearing an end the dearer, sweeter and more desired it becomes. Perhaps that is true of all human endevour. I need reminders that I need to take joy in life, and find things that I can be thankful for.

Today that hit me with the arrival of the news that the major account that my firm had spent a pile setting up the operating systems, starting to hire the nearly 100 people that it would take to run operations, had decided not to sign the final contracts and will be ending the relationship with the experation of the interim contracts that will expire shortly. It is a crushing blow to this 6 year old firm who made a huge investment in this relationship. It all came down to money, the client desided our services would cost too much and in the spirit of WalMart, wanted to slash the bottom line 20 percent as the ink was starting to flow to the end of the contractual pen. Often companies with a lot to lose if the contracts dont sign submit to this coporate blackmail and sign, losing their shirts in the end. I worked for a transportation company that did just that with my first major account. It was a nightmare, an a running sore that resulting in this newbee working a impossible number of hours for not enough money and eventually fired because the account moved on to its next victim.

Well, I think they were wise to not sign. But...there will be lay offs, I dont see how this can be avoided. I was told yesterday that I wasnt permanatly assigned to my account, and that "I shouldnt worry with all that was comming down the pike..." I read that email this morning with a sinking in my stomach. "This is going to end, before I am ready..." Never mind my whining of the past few weeks, all I could think of was change beyond my control...

I found myself looking at my desk with new eyes...

I got a call later. My dematologist got the result back from the biopsies. Squamous cell carcinomas, not the worst diagnosis, but not good either. Suddenly the bitching I have been doing just doesnt seem to be worthwile. I could have more of these and the 6 centemeter gash in my arm reminds me with every twinge the value of my life. I have always felt that pain reminds me that I am alive...

I type this with my face six inches from the screen. I went throught the pre op this afternoon, and my dialated eyes now are blurry and no longer respond to the gentle correction of glasses, distance or anything else that I do. This is how it will be for an indetermanant amount of time. One of the risks of PRK is that this blurriness will never go away. Its a very very very slight risk but a risk nevertheless. The rewards of the surgery are waking to clear distance vision, the ability to drive and swim in the ocean. My dependence on glasses will only apply to reading, which is how it will be anyway as I age. Right now even with glasses I have fuzzy print. But that fuzzy print is pretty precious right now, when I can hardly see a thing.

Poor vision is better than no vision... but I am a risk taker and next week I will be submitting to the laser. I think the odds are good and I am looking forward to sharing with you the results.

The things that are seemingly fleeting and slipping away do become more precious. We need to remember that life is fleeting and enjoy every moment and every breath we take, everything... these moments on the journey will not come our way again