March 30, 2006
No Woman Is An Island
tiny tidal island in Hilo Bay Canoe Launch Hilo Hawaii....No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. John Donne
I am about to lose my mind if not my job... I am an island here. A large object standing in the flow of corporate traffic. I hear the phones ringing and people discussing work and I am sitting here uninvolved. I no longer get emails, phone calls, or stuff in my in box... Its rather un nerving for this recovering workaholic. I feel like a horse that nerviously sweats out of fear of the unknown my skin is crawling and when people walk by and see me surfing the Net, monitoring my stocks (I have actually made enough money this week to cover the days I missed for the surgery, but by day trading on the companies time, which makes me nausious) I actually did my taxes online this week, spent two whole days on this project. I am glad that I had the time to do this but I really feel odd about the whole thing.
There is no one here to discuss this with. I had work assigned until friday last when the project was taken off my desk and I was not reassigned to any other work. I was hoping this ment that I was being moved to a new position. Now as this second week grinds down to a close I find myself slowly going out of my mind...
Is it the gal who sits two rows away but talks so loud that you can hear her on the other side of the building, or is it the young man just behind me, a Airforce Vet that did two tours in Iraq and is PTSD... God bless him but he runs his mouth with silly talk and his Ipod with various things from Pink Floyd to bits from Family Guy and commercials like the "bucking chicken" of pushing the envelope Burger King fame, in a lame attempt to provide a humorus sound track to our intermanible day. We got a email talking about "saying and playing things that are not politically correct and disturbing the neighbors with all of this extrainious noise.... I wanted to send a screaming email back to HR..."Darn it, you have me trapped with these people, and I am not doing it or involved with this trash...Get me out of here....!" Guilt by association gets me going like nothing else does.
Lord, help me I am trapped in Animal House. We have come to our collective ends of our rope. Our big boss is out this week and is rumored to be transfering to one of the two new accounts to run that. He has divested himself of this motley crew I dont blame him... He's a nice guy and this would try the paitence of a saint.
I nearly passed out when they brought some big shots in and they waltzed through our area as we were all surfing the net, and Airforce Guy had the Stones blasting.. I was about to place a short position on my favorite gold stock. I closed the window to look professional and by the time I got back, I had missed that opportunity cause when I signed back on I had missed the high point and now it has dipped below viability... Blast!
And so it goes. I have a a really great opportunity here if I can stay here long enough to grab it. About a month after I started here they hired a guy away from Walmart to run our fledgling International Division, last week we met at a getting to know you meeting and it turns out we have a lot (an understatement,)of mutual water under the bridge I have worked for and or with nearly a dozen people he knows well. He looked at my resume with shock and awe. He has no budget and no work that I really can do for him at present as I am pretty much a foot soldier have no degrees in Logistics or Freight Management, but I know how to work and how to deal with US Customs and the Port of Los Angeles, so... He is waiting on the Feds to award us a liecense as a Non Vessel Operating Common Carrier. We actually have work lined up once this happens. Seems that this port deal of the past few weeks has slowed things down. In a way this is good and something that we in the freight biz have wanted to be looked into for a long time. But it makes it hard for me.
3 PM I just received a email from a General Manager that is in charge of the "Talent Pool" and how he is going to try to expidite the process of getting us all settled into a spot. I emailed him right off to thank him in advance... I feel like a lost soul in this place... He sits two rows over and I heard him chuckle. He is a lost soul himself... We shall see how things go...
I am not whining, I feel very fortunate to be here... But situations like this create a needless anxiety and stress. If there is anything that pushes my buttons is being sidlined and forced to watch as others do... whatever... I doesnt matter what. That feeling of being left behind touches a part of me that has been sore my whole life. From being the least favored child to being the workaholic that was never promoted... it is the story of my life, and I choose to not allow this to go on much longer. Now I have a name and I will stay on this guy "thisplace" until I get settled into something, fired for stock trading, or laid off. I am not a quitter but status quo is beginning to feel like a martyrdom by pinpricks if there ever was one.