May 01, 2006

April Blues

Wild Flowers near Beaver Arkansas

written april 30 2006

I have my traditional April disaster going on....

I thought that I would escape it... after all, I came here a year ago and didnt have a problem with the pollen, or frequent flyers syndrome, (you know the "cold" you always get when you fly, its actually an allergy to the cleaning stuff used on the aircraft. Some of the stuff like the solvents used on seats and carpets is quite nasty for your lungs...")But I am sick today like nobodies business and perhaps a bit thoughtful, as is Woody about the future and what we are doing

Every year for as long as I can remember, I have been sick in April. If I wasnt sick in bed sick, disaster or mayhem or something was happening to make my life miserable. Often, like in 1988 (april 25, to be exact) all of the above was happening to me when I was recovering from pnuemonia, my then husband, The Engineer, was stomping around, saying it was over...(he failed to launch and didnt leave till that fall by then I was in a WHOLE differnt place, thank you, Jesus!)At the time I thought my life was over, and in a way it was...

Or April 25th 1992, I had been working double shifts, and was spending a whole lot of time on ministry, perhaps to minimize the on going saga of my father's final days. For twelve weeks my father lay dying in a hospital and then died that day... Two weeks prior, Easter weekend, while suffering from a chest infection, I had begun to break out in a hideous rash, the likes of which no one in my family had ever seen before. twice a day around 8 am and 8 pm it would cycle fading away like it had never been only to come back 12 hours later. It would be July before I was able to get a doctor to diagnos adult onset allegies and give me steroid shots for two weeks....I could have died from it but didnt know that until years later on the same day....

April 25 1996, Woody and I had been stormily married 6 months, my carreer in transportation had ended after I had failed to recover from a allergic reaction that triggered "the rash" or what we were to learn was the mother of all cases of hives the likes of which the experts that have seen the photos can hardly believe. On that day, I had them so badly that I was taken to the hospital with a failing pulse and blood pressure that was so low that I may have actually died and come back or so the doctor said that attended me. I had thought that my life was over until that day so much had happened in that 6 months...I learned then that I had to maintain a will to survive and that I and what I needed had to come first, even if it didnt always look that way....

Fast forward to April to this week. I have been ill. Really ill. Woody brough home a chest cold two weeks ago and I thought that it wouldnt be a big deal. After all I am healthier and in a better place...Wrong, I have a really bad cold on top of the horrible pollen, dust, 12-14 hour days at Thisplace, which of course I said I would never do but I got sucked up in the "lets do it for the team...b.s." I collapsed in the house last weds and have pretty much been in bed since.

I began to itch yesterday but I have yet to see a sign of hiving. I am praying that God will spare me. Woody stayed home from church, and we talked about how I feel that working like this is not what we had in mind and perhaps this is a wakeup call. My home is a mess, really a mess, dirty, no floors swept, or baths cleaned beyond cursory wipes. The kitchen is a disaster, and I have bills piled up. I have not been to the Grapevine mall to see our cases where we still have jewelry andthe remains of the Hawaiian products for sale. The rent is due there... and worse...I am a bad mother....

Both cats are sick

Nani is doing ok but she has two ingrown claws on one foot... How she bounces around on this infected foot and doent limp I dont know... But its Makoa we are really worried about. He has been peeing on our bed if we let him in our room, so we havent been letting him in. He usually sleeps with us and thus ruetine is upset. We took his listlessness to depression over this change. But since I have been home I notice hes drinking every bit of water I give him, and not eating like normal. He seems uncoordinated, has trouble grooming and wont jump or chase the feather wand, in fact he cant follow it.He just isnt my happy local boy of a kitty and I feel really badly. The neglect is awful.

Woody put in 75 hours last week... when does he get a bit of rest?

This is not why we returned to the mainland, but I am not sure I can give up my job right now... The medical insurance is too important.

Woody is being asked way too many questions about his health, I think to try to disqualify him for his company insurance. He's on mine and its seems to be ok...As for me and my issues, I was able to get to my three month follow up at the dermatologist, where I had fourteen more cancerous leasions removed from my arms and back. I had another 25 spots frozen for good measure and some more biopsies taken. Its a little scary.

So I sit and I am putting it all back on the table for God to sort out. Woody is taking a day off, to take the cats to a vet when I can get them in and have someone come out and do the yards (our place looks like an abandoned house our back yard is a foot tall...) I am going to try to go to work tomorrow, but if I cant take it or my co workers cant...(my cough sounds like a tuberculosis victim's)...Im home again. I am looking for a doctor on my plan, but none of the GPs had openings friday. If I have to go to the er and pay so be it... Nyquill isnt touching this cough.

On the brighter side, at least I am aware of what is happening. And April has brought a beauty to our landscape that has me saying "Ah! this is what I loved about this place!" The ocean of green has returned, the house is swathed in green shade. The birds sing and wildflowers are everywhere. The pollen, this year has been one of the worst years ever for the sticky yellow stuff, has subsided in the wake of this past weeks heavy rains. I will survive my temporary infimity, gratefull that this is not another life changing event, but just a passing seasonal one. I will learn to pace myself and Makkie is likely curable. I must put it into God's hands as I have done so many times before and let it lie there, knowing that he has our best intrests always in the forground of His thoughts...