May 20, 2006

Burning The Midnight Toil

Glorious Sunrise over Pea Ridge and Eastern Bella Vista (Metfield)

I want you to know that the title of the post is not a typo. There are nights when I have left at midnight to start over again at seven am The days are a blurr as are the nights. I never sleep fully and then there are the dreams. I was napping this afternoon and had this one...

I am at home on my phone talking to a dispatcher " yes, Ken, you can have that load out of the Kank to Walmart DC whatever. Your appointments are preset and in the download, please call to confirm them and by all thats holy, be there on time to pick this stuff up. I dont want to get barbequed by my account again on this."

"Sure thing, Hoku, thanks you are the best"...hangs up

phone rings, it's Wes at another carrier..."Hey Hoku, whats the deal on this load out of the Kank to WM whatever, that we talked about an hour ago, I need to get this driver moving..."

I reply slowly..."uh... Im sorry I just tendered that to Ken at so and so, hey I can get you another one, dont worry, I handle 250 loads a day out of there for the account..."

"No! you promised me that one" Wes says to me with a coldness I have never heard from him before. "you make promises then dont keep them, your customer service error rate is averaging 35 to 40 misses a day...service failures Hoku, The account isnt happy with your inattentiveness to details..."

"They set the appointments, the computer picks the carriers, I just try to make it all work and I cant seem to do it, no matter how I try. The phones keep ringing and I got 300 emails today some of them were not very nice to me."

"Thats because you lack focus. Maybe if you paid more attention to your work, and less attention to everything else... Well we have a load to pick up...." And with that two men come into the front door of my house and begin to pack up everything. Furniture books even Mak and Nani. I am horrified but can say nothing. Wes turns to me and says " I hear that you are moving" and walks out leaving me to my empty house... I sit on the floor try to cry and cant... and fall asleep from sheer exaustion....

I woke in a cold sweat.

The dream symbols are interesting. But I have had waking nightmares this week. Some that included my sweetnatured boss, who I am comming to love,I saw her do something so out of character that I called personel and reported the incedent. I was afraid that she had lost her mind. I had a dentist appoinment that afternoon and was willing to come back to the office after. I felt that things were under control when I left. When I came back it was as if all hell had broken loose. I reported to my boss, a true Southern Belle of Dixiecrat lineage, married to a no nonsense man 20 years her seinor, a diplomat and mover and shaker in the Clinton regime. Normally butter doesnt melt in her mouth and I have never heard a negative word come from her lips,heard her raise her voice or seen her ruffled until then. She was wild eyed and angry and snapped "Where have you been? I need you to deal with this now. She hands me a few papers. I calmly say "Yes mam'm" She said thank you as she always does, this is the most polite group of freight people I have ever worked with... I go to my desk, put my purse down and trotted to the ladies room. I had just come from two hours in the dentist chair and needed a pause that refreshes... Just as I sat down and a coworker said "See ya" my Boss stormed into the demanding that I get to my desk and deal with this situation now. I know that the whole second floor heard it. I felt like I was five and my parents, pick either one, were screaming at me for some fault that I didnt even understand. Add the dentist, no sleep, and this knowing in my heart that the account that 50 people are counting on that the future of thisplace is riding on is going to hell in a handbasket.... I lost it and screamed at the top of my voice "For God's sake, I have to pee!" I got up finished the business and stormed out of the stall like a tornado on the Texas plains. I looked down at her. I am over 6 feet and 275lbs she is a petite 5'2' 130 maybe... I screamed "Look, I have two hands one mouth and can only deal with these things one at a time. I can tender one load, direct one driver, post one contract and deal with issues in life one at a time. By then I was sobbing and raving and she was horrified. I will never forget that look, that frightened look. She held my shaking fists I think she thought that I was going to hit her. I dont know. I stormed out of the bathroom and to my desk still sobbing and emailed HR and turned myself in.

I have NEVER in my life raised my voice to a supervisor. I have taken abuse, been publically humiliated, had things thrown at me, cursed, accused of many things including sexual abuse (that was a joke, I should have sued...)even spit on. I was able to endure it for the sake of the Cross... but not now. I have been through too much. Life is too raw on me and I know the power of rage, tasted the bitter fruits of it. I was told by a male co-worker who was in the men's room at the time and heard the whole thing that no one would ever mess with me again. He felt that it was comming, from someone, and that I was the one to go off first, maybe that was good because I am developing a reputation at thisplace for saying the truth as I see it fearlessly and without reservation. Management likes it. I get asked a lot of hard questions and I tell the truth.

My boss and I patched it up, really. I set the boundry. That is good, I wish that my rage wasnt the means to build the fences. But she treated me with more respect after that. I tried to remember that she was trying very hard as well and that this is a no winner and frankly, a set up. I think that the speedy set up wasnt because they wanted to be rid of the old third party logistics firm that they had before. I think they were being dumped because they are too demanding. At least that is my theory. I dont think that there are enough hours in the day, and enough hands to work because there are so many people to be accountable to. I did a time study for thisplace's implimentation group and tracked my movements in fifteen minute intervols, kept track of all calls and emails and the stats were so shocking that there is a thought that we will have to double the team that we already doubled once jhust to keep up with data volumes at current levels, and we are in the slow season! I am averaging 289 emails a day 60% do not pertain to me or my work but I must sift through them to figure out what is mine ect. same with the calls I avaraged 50 voice mails now my box was full so I dont know for sure and after three weeks of this I watch my caller Id and answer only what calls I want. because two thirds of the calls are for others...My real name starts with "A" I am the first called. The man that is following me around trying to find a better way for me to do my job says he feels I only spend 20 percent of my time doing my real job, and that he thinks I am a hero for doing as much as I do. Sadly he has no answers for me. He says hes learning a lot from me on coping with this overflowing data disaster...

I went to HR offered to resign, and she had the report from the guy in the mens room as well as other reports and told me that nothing but good stuff is in my file there was nothing negative going to happen and that this is a hugely stressful time for all concerned. They were having my boss in to talk about it and all would be well.

The final word is that the freight keeps moving. I love talking to these men and woman that keep the wheels of this nation turning. I am told I spend too much time on this but it is my primary funtion and if I should stay at thisplace, I would like to have a try at the carrier relations dept. I know I would do well.

I am doing International freight for the account, and that with only a few bumps is going very well I think. I understand that they will be moving a few things off my desk and that will help. I am hoping that buring the midnight oil will slow down some. This missing things moved in the dream are my life at home, and my own self even posting on this blog which I have no time to do. Money is great but my life is different I work to live not live to work and there is a huge difference in that. Balance is what sustains us all and when things are so out of balance that is when you have trouble.

On the home front Woody is pressing me to give it up, but I do want to continue to save, so I will keep trying to stay balanced there at work, and prove that I am not a freight addict and get home at a decent hour, and plan for time off...To entice me to that end he gave me a present. A week of timeshare at The Summit at Panama Beach FL. Here are some pics





I have week 46 in unit 417 right in the middle of the building...that week roughly coresponds with our anniversary and is out of hurricane season as well as just prior to thanks giving. A good time to go not too crowded. Getting to Hawaii is going to get harder as fuel goes up and up I drive to this place or fly quickly.

Makoa went back to the vet for his check up and he is responding very well, no longer has an infection and is down in weight 1/2 a pound. He's to stay onb his special diet for now. But seems to be a much happier healthier cat all around

Im in a hard place, but every morning God shows me how to put this all into perspctive. As I come down the hill towards Town Center I am usually just in time for a glorious sunrise. I have never lived in a place not even Hawaii where the sunrises and sunsets are so amazingly lovely day in and day out. The God that gives me this day will manage it too, I need only to do my best and trust Him for the outcome. This too shall pass, but I am confident that His mercy will see me through.