October 23, 2006
Season of Change
Glorious Leaves Bella Vista AR
post started Oct 9 2006
My life is filled with change right now. I "felt" better over all this past week about my mother's death and the seemingly endless drift in my personal life. I am still not "going anywhere fast" at "thisplace", and horror of horror, I was forced to move my desk again, from sitting next to the nicest person I have met there, to sitting next to a woman who, while well meaning,is crude rude and unprofessional. All day long there is a stream of outbursts, rauccous talk, banging her fists or a stapler on the desk we share. Since my back is turned to her, I am unprepared for the sudden outbursts so I nerviously jump... There is loud rap music blarring from her computer and scraping sounds as she drags something accross the surface of her desk... like nails on a chalk board. She acts like I am not there, and dont exsist..Its torture that borders on homocidal... I cant take it anymore...
I am also now seated right behind "bosslady". If you will remember back a few months ago, I was her "step and fetch it" and this resulted in my never getting my work done and frankly my nearly having a nervious breakdown over her yelling my name out to do this or that like a stupid child. There has been a conversation about that and she has been really good about not hounding me and I have been good about being willing to make her priorities mine and to allow her to " help me" cause I do need help weither I want to admit it or not.
October 17 2006
I wasnt able to finish at the time and actually have a half dozen posts half done. This is quite normal for a person dealing with the grief process the way that I seem to be. My already disorganized life has manified to the place where I feel that everything is out of order... for so it is...
I spoke to bosslady about my seat mate and the situation was delt with but I have also learned about her private griefs and the irritating mannerisms are a way for her to cope. I told her I was sorry that I was so fragile at this time myself and maybe we can put this aside and work things out and so we are trying and I feel good about that. She has stopped with the banging and has started to wear a set of headphones. I turned my music off compleatly and try to keep myself with in my space including my conversations. Lets face it seven women in a space smaller than the average bedroom is pretty tight.
Mr. Niceguy, my former seat mate won employee of the month for his handling of my desk as well as his during the time I was in California. Plus he is likely the best liked employee on our team. All I did was tell Bossman that one of my carriers had an email time stamped at Midinght one day... That was devotion...In honor of that I have tried to keep up on my work and mostly I have, but at a cost that is grinding me to powder...
October 22
Blogger was so unkind this week. When I have had the time to write the portal has not been working. I really need to write. I am going through a lot of messy feelings that I think would sort themselves out if I could just get them out. Its not so much my Mother's death, but that death to my past that unnerves me. I feel like I just take up space now, not a drop of creativity flowing out of me. I can hardly write...heck I dont cook even if it comes out of a can or box or better yet, frozen. I forget how to turn on the oven.
Depression is a dish always served cold....
I was reminded that this is a season only. That the seasons change and with them come different issues and situations. Paitence will win out and things will become more focused. My grief is so profound, and it has been over ten years since I have felt this way...That was the spring of 1996, when I found myself in a new and fatally flawed marriage, out of a job and cut off from my church, and to top it off, covered morning and night by unexplainable hives the size of dinner plates...I dont want to get that low. God willing. Help me, Lord to accept what you send and exspecally this season of change
