October 30, 2006

Losing Track Of Time

Fall Foliage on the Circle Bella Vista Arkansas

Its beautiful here in Northwest Arkansas... for those that ask "how could you leave Hawaii and come here?... they dont say that much just now for we are having the most beautiful changing leaves that many can remember. The colors are bight and brilliant, and so vivid, that they refect light and the white walls of our home shimmer with red yellow and orange hues. We had a good rain here while we were in California and rain just before the seasonal shift seems to bring out the colors more or so our friends in Ohio told us when we visited them in the fall of 2004. You can see those photos on my PhotoBlog My Wide Green Fields

I remember that trip and my true first contact with seasonal change. Now having lived with "seasons" for a year. I am fully aware of how time is divided and how the earth gives us this wonderful circle of change... You need a summer to appriciate winter, and viceversa, Spring and Autumn are two parts af a great whole. The seasons mark the passage of time in a kinder way than a calendar or a clock.

I feel that I am loosing track of time...my days sort of run together, and I dont like it. I want to grab ahold of every day and squeeze every drop of life out of it. But with my all consuming job, that crushes my creativity and forces me to spend my days shut away from the sun, I lose the days and cannot remember what time it is...

I am developing the "Bella Vista" Mind...sort of a joke around here in this neighborhood of retirees. "Seinor Moments" ect are a way of life. It matters mostly to the forgetful person and not to anyone else. Sometimes its beyond a small thing, like a man at church, who asked me to pray for him. He is losing his memory in chunks, it matters to him that he cannot remember his childrens names or other important details. But he is good hearted about it, and we all help and understand...

But "Fred" not his real name, is nearly 80, I am 44, and have noticed a growing list of things happening to me that were I older, it would be handled in a lighter manner, but its getting serious and I know that my life is changing as surely as the leaves are changing around me. I grow forgetful, and walk around in a daze, I sleep and get no rest and horror of horrors something that was bound to happen did happen this week at work....

I was caught asleep in front of my computer at my desk....at 9 in the morning. This happened on other occasions...remember this?

This "dropping off" has gotten REALLY bad, I knew I had to do something so I was able to get an appointment with former Airforce Major Doctor Lee, remember him we had ourselves quite an adventure last fall, and after we shook hands in his office last monday, he was surprised that I felt I had sleep apnea. Well, to his surprise, his examination clearly shows I have a congenital defect in my throat in that it is about 50 percent smaller than it should be and there is excess tissue creating more obstruction... "Add to that you are 125 or more pounds overwieght, Hoku please try to lose some weight for me?...it would likely mean no surgery...and possible neither surgery nor a CPAP machine is going to help, but weight loss has got to be part of this equasion..." (The Major is never one to mince words.. I like him for that) "I could cut some of that stuff out, but it would hurt like hell and like as not it would grow back and be worse... how could I have missed that when you were hear last year... I can hear the snore as you speak, the tissue vibrates slightly... You sing, right?..." and we go over my vocal career...

The good thing is that by my getting looked at, I wasnt written up for sleeping on the job, and I unofficially requested to get off of this account. I will be officially requesting this as soon as I can, so that the OT and Manditory saurday work will come to an end. I have got to get more rest and yes a strict diet is in order now. I know it. Death by Chocolate might just be a reality for me if I keep this up...

All of those symptoms are because I am not getting a good nights sleep. The phsycological issues, are compounded by this. The Major also informally restricted my driving to daylight and necessary only until we sort this out. Technically he could have pulled my licence, I am so glad he didnt. I will miss weekend drives in the country, but he is right, until I am sure I am not a menece to other drivers and their passengers.

I worked at getting more rest saturday night and sunday, and todays work day went a lot better. One of my co-workers offered to work any saturday that I needed off , for which I am grateful. I dont need to shoot myself in the foot by staying up too late, then stagger around at work...

I hope to be off this terrible cycle of weariness one day, but untill I can be I must be paitent with myself and know that I am what I am and be reconciled to that.