May 15, 2007

On Running Away

Bridges Lilioukalani Park Hilo Hawaii. I dream of Hilo often, and wake up so desolate of spirit. I want to go back now and stay for a while...maybe I can run away...

Woody calls me at work tonight...

"Im sorry, I got in so late I didnt know where to call you, I was really busy and I was getting all settled in. Hey Im here with Ed and Helen and we are at Loucile's and having a great time... say hi to Ed...."

I talk to Ed and its like I am sitting there in Long Beach at this the home of my...MY...good friend. We talk and Woody takes the cel phone back and goes outside for better reception...

"So" I ask "are you comming home?"

"Yeah, on the 28th, I told you that... Hey I need to tell you about the cool car I rented..."

And on and on it went. I sat here in my desk at work, alone facing the nightshift and the late night...the installation of a new garage opener, then electrical work the next day and so on and so on, all of this requires me to give up part of my limited sleep time each day to get these very important things done, things that if he were here he could do... I listen to him describe his private vacation...seething, wanting to scream.

In all of my days painful homesickness, grief over my mother, abuse at the hands of my employer, lonliness, I never gave in to my desire to run away, to chuck it all and catch a flight to my Hawaii or any other point between. I gave up Hawaii, moved to this place I had never been to, took a demanding job FOR HIM. To help meet HIS NEEDS. His response has been to be a bum and to not take personal respnsibility for his family, and to with due diligence look for gainful employment and to be productive.

I have to face the questions of the well meaning neighbors. I will be sitting alone in church not one sunday but two, dealing with questions... I will be trying to explain to my Pastor why my husband just up and left me and went to California. I will perhaps tell him more than Woody wants him to hear...maybe I should tell the whole blessed world.

Is this not abuse? I certainly feel used. One day its going to come back on him. My God is "The God Who Sees"from Genesis 16:13

Then she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, "Have I also here seen Him who sees me?"

God wont let this go, and I certainly wont.

Labels: Woody