May 14, 2007

Diverging Paths

Woody on the "boat dock" on Beaver Lake at War Eagle Caverns, War Eagle Arkansas

It was like a nightmare revisited, old nightmare and new nightmare merging

Old nightmare...go back in time to September 14,1988, I was sitting in the Claim Jumper Restaurant with my first husband, the Engineer. This was a place where we came to celebrate significant events After a five month reprieve, and a seeming reconnecting after two years of disconnect, I was thinking that we were celebrating the rebirth of our marriage. After all I had done everything I had been asked to do. How shocked I was to hear these words, "Hoku, Im sorry but I am leaving for a while, I am going to go and stay with friends and get my headtogether...maybe away from you I can think clearly. Then I will come back and it will be ok, you'll see. I sat there, with cake in my mouth and stared at him..."Things were coming together, and I had a job and wasnt the least bit of bother. Didnt I mean anything to him anymore?..." I didnt make a scene, or say anything. I picked up the to go box and went to the car. He drove me home and unceremoniously dumped me off at the curb...I walked into the dark house, petted my tiger kitty, known as the Creature, went into the bedroom and lay face down on the bed and prayed to the gods to cause a huge aftershock to shake the broken bits of my house... the broken bits of my life... and crush the remaining flicker of life out of it, cause I couldnt take it any more....

The Engineer lied of course, He only came back to demand money from me and to beat me up once. He continued down the path to perdition, while I found God and moved into a life I only dreamed of....

Fast forward to 2007 at a slightly less fancy place, on Mother's Day, a day fraught with perils for my emotions every year. My relation ship with my Mother was fragile at best, add to this the reminder that not only do I have the memory of a dead baby in my deepest heart, but I am bombarded but the reality that Woody refused to have a family and here I am barren and childless.

New nightmare...Woody says...Gee I have been wanting to talk to you about this but I didnt know how to go about it. I have been watching the fares on the Internet, but my car is ready to go on a driving trip, I am going to California for a while... to see my friends and get my head clear. You know I didnt get that job and I really dont know what I am going to do.

I wipe my mouth, and ask him calmly " are you coming back?"
"Well, of course I am, I think so..."
"Well" I say " I know about the new bank account and the work that you have had done on the car I have been waiting for you to say something...." Woody squirms on the seat. " Do you think its fair? You are leaving me with house project in the air a new position with my job and you not working. For heaven's sakes we just got back from Charleston!"

"Im going" Woody says
"You are running away. Why cant you stand on your own two feet?" I say. Because for some reason known only to God, I cant fathom it...

The day wears on and I realize that he really is leaving last night I cried and today I cried. I left the house to go walking and he came out and gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, like you would give your mother. The neighbors were watching so perhaps that is why he did that at all...I walked away turned and watched him go up and into our house. Maybe for the last time.

I went walking at Bella Vista Lake. Its a long walking trail and I circled the lake twice. I kept hoping that I would just fall down in the sun and dry out to a crisp, so there would be no life left in me, like a dead frog. I walked till my head ached, then I came home...

I drove past the church, toying with the idea of seeing Pastors David or Pat, but I didnt..I couldnt bring myself to throw Woody under the bus when he might actually come back. The neighbors were told for my safety, so they wouldnt hesitate to call if they say something when I wasnt around. I have told my boss, who looked at me in shock.

I am not in shock. I scared him six weeks ago when I came into the bedroom after a long day and said maybe I should move out...take the cats and go somewhere anywhere. I was so weary of it all the simpering, the excuses and the fakery. I feel like the man's mother, and I want to scream. When do I get a little love and attention? Did the thought of me ever play into the decision making process of going to California? I asked, it did not. Woody considers me perfectly capable of taking care of all of lifes circumstances... Perhaps its that fact that drove him off, but please, dont kids yourselves. I learned that he is the joke of the neighborhood, and how he talks big but does nothing. He care nothing for our home wont fix or take care of things, and the older men on the block scorn that. His not working not making a big effort to look for work is a joke amongst these people and he hasnt fooled them one bit.

On the other hand, I have been told that my willingness to keep trying inspires on lady with issues with her grown daughter and granddaughter. Maybe I am foolish, but I feel a definite turning of the page, a diverging of the paths. Even if or when Woody comes back, things will be different, and not a good different. I cannot trust him and I cant believe him. I have to rely only on myself.

Woody, If you are reading this from Jim's computer in California, feel free to comment. I would like to know why you felt that during this fragile time in our lives that you HAD to leave. Two weeks and a precious long weekend which I took off so I could be with YOU... I wish I could go somewhere without you, and maybe I will, I dont know

I wish I could run away... it has been my life's dream, but I have learned that "Home is always where ever YOU are..." you can escape your troubles ....they follow you everywhere

Labels: Breaking News, Woody