June 21, 2007

Bloom Where You Are Planted

bloom where you are planted... A young tree in a pasture near Rogers Arkansas

Post started 6-14-07

As some of you know, the title of the photo on my masthead is "Bloom Where You Are Planted" That tiny ironwood sapling growing out of a lava flow, pounded by daily high tide and surf was a beautiful metaphore for my life in Hawaii, with its constant struggles in the midst of intense beauty...

This picture of this tree, surrounded by green grass, with a ceiling of summer storm clouds that bring needed rain, is a picture of my life two years since our return to the mainland. Yes the tree is at risk from grazing animals and the bulldozers that continue to destroy the beautiful farms here for unneeded housing tracts. (there is housing standing empty here since the bust, we dont need to build a new house until 2012 and would have plenty for new commers to the area,)It could get whacked by a haymowing machine, or blight...but for now it is just happy and growing in this pasture under God's sky. It is the way I need to be... the way I need to look at life.

Here at home, things have stablized under a sort of truce. Woody is reading the blog regularly something that he didnt do before and I am not sure why this changed maybe he will see this and tell me. It does inhibit me somewhat which is symptomatic of the issues in our life dont you all think? I am a pretty straight up person but fear that " anything said can and will be used against me" so the bit of caution.

While at the retreat Father Bob advised me to sit and wait and see how things turn out. I think its good advice. Because of our radically different work schedules, our mutual nocturnal restlessness, and perhaps a need to widen the space between us, Woody is moving into the room that was going to be my office, sewing, ME room... sunny and bright with my books and momentos from Hawaii in it. Because the hall way bath is right there and I have been using that one, I will have to move out of it too. Woody is moving out of the partially compleated Masterbathroom (remember the horror of a remodel? that shower has NEVER been used...Its full of shelving and other construction materiels, and stuff for the final work to finish off the room and its never been done...hmmmm. Draw your own conclusions about that.) I have never had the time myself to work on this. Perhaps now I will have some time to work on it.

I am moving the office and all of that into the materbedroom and we are buying new beds. It feels final and is as drastic as a real move. It marks a change that will be a good thing as I will pursue working nights with a passion now that I have discovered how wonderful it is. However,I feel like I am losing something...

For nearly 12 years I have prayed that God would intervean in our relationship, and He has chosen not to. Both parties have to be willing and there has been a lack of willingness. Now that situation will decided.

I have lived a double life nearly all of my life. Everything looks great on the outside while I am bleeding to death on the inside. I think its time for that to stop here with regards to this situation. I love Woody, he can be a great guy, but he is not easy to live with... neither am I but I know that much of my demands and issues are the normal stuff of living. Its not wrong to want a task compleated, or something done in a timely way. Its not wrong to desire attention and not to be treated like you dont have feelings...

My life is good, even in this current state of uncertainty. I am materially better off than I ever have been and have more opportunity now than ever. But there is this nagging feeling that I have surrendered, given up. And yet another dream has died on the vine... Anger that Woody gets his way again, now he can be married and not be a husband...It hurts....The biggest tragedy is that Woody thinks hes being altruistic and that this situation is a good thing, which of course in a practical sense it is...But my heart is not practical, and that I see the symbolic separation as being a separation in fact.

I can only hope that this drama of moving will satisfy the need for constant upset versus a workable relationship. In the mean time I will try to bloom where I am planted, knowing that my Father in Heaven is looking after me. He will only allow what is truly for my good. I must trust and believe that all will be well.

Labels: Breaking News, Woody