January 31, 2006

The Mental Health Day

my furry companions joining me as we looked out the window of my reading room. It was such a lovely day...

I had a rough night sunday night and decided to take a sick day and spend one of the, maybe the first day I have ever spent alone here at the house. The silence was profound. I had a chance to rest sleep and go through a few cartons. I sat in front of the fire and lit a candle. I took a deep breath.

I sat out in the park circle in the sun for a few minutes and listen to the wind. I know that I will love being there all of the time. I maybe needed to see what I am going for so I can continue on working.

What may ellude you is that the silence, the peace of a quiet house never gets old. I could spend months alone and not feel cut off. I feel cut off in the continuous stream of noise I deal with on a job, or laying in bed with someone that really doesnt know you. I would find enough outlets for myself to keep from being a recluse. I can hear myself think and hear God speak to me in the stillness...

...and I lose my sense of self in the roar, and in never having time alone, I am not checking in with me... which is the whole point of a Mental Health Day...

I can go back to the noise and deal with it.

January 30, 2006

Time Is In Short Supply

Red Ginger taken at Wailoa Park Hilo Hawaii

Life is not easy here, but we are doing ok. Woody and I car getting along but more and more I feel trapped in a situation that will lead to my undoing. Already I am showing symptoms of immune system upheaval that I suffered with 8-10 years ago, Its very scary. The issue is that I get no rest. Life has become a 7 day a week push and Woody doesn't seem to understand that he has to start doing stuff, I cant do it all.

Things are crazy busy for us but the business is slowly coming along. Shipments are coming in and we are setting up. Hopefully Woody will finish the booth up today and we can get the product that we have received up on the shelf. I worry that we will have to give up for lack of funds before the "fruit has a chance to ripen". It takes time to develop a retail business. The saddest thing about giving up on my store in Hawaii was that it was just about to turn the corner. Had I been able to live there and stay with it....We 20-20 hindsight I guess.

I think I have a "situation" on my job. A permanant slot came up in the work group that I am a part of and they gave it with much fanfare to another "floater" I do have a desk and I am a fully benefited employee so I am not very concerned and a part of me wants to just get fired anyway so I can stay home and plant roses and bake cookies. I'm not asking questions...

Its not the quality of my work, its the fact that I fall asleep in the middle of meetings and at my desk from sheer exhaustion. I get to sleep at a decent hour but get no rest at night. Often I wake up more weary than when I went to bed. WE are sure I have sleep apnea, but its going to take some time to get the doctor to give me the sleep test. I will be seeing the same doctor that treated me over the summer for that hideous staph infection that I had.

Not that I am not using my new health insurance, The evenings this week are taken up with doctors. Keep me in your prayers as I have two spots on my arms that came out of nowhere and look like cancer to me. The Dematologist is testing to make sure its not an infestion, but the meds arent touching it so its a scrape and burn fest Add this to the long awaited Dentist and Eye Doctor (I am having an exam and exploring Lasik, any comments on your experiences, bring them on I need to know...) I have a full slate of medical exams. Woody saw a doctor, and had a good report that his blood pressure and weight are way down. He's lost 30 pounds in the last two months.Im very happy for him.

We hae been working on reviving our old computer system, and took the monitor and hard drive to Fayettville to see the boys at Geek Squad. They got them running. The Drive is not in good shape with all but one usb port none funtional. I am cleaning up the drive and I will be pulling off the things that need to be saved, like my photos, and the master copy of my stores inventory. The thing can die if it must after that. I bought a backup drive and will start to use that so I will have no more data losses.

I feel like my creative energies are at a very low ebb right now. Its a lack of private time and a feeling of isolation from the things that energize me. I dont know how to fix it right now. I need to do something. Woody is going to have me murdered if I continue to be such a hag at home. I pray a lot. I know that God will restore to me what He is witholding from me. It may take a while but I will wait. He hasnt failed me yet...

January 25, 2006

How to Kill Your Career

Autumn Pasture Near the Alabama/Florida border

I received this in a interoffice email and I believe it came from MSN, but I wasnt able to pull it up and find the Byline...I have found these things to be true in my own working life. Many of these are expectations from days gone by or are products of our dysfunctional age. I wish that I was just a little better at dealing with this stuff these days

How to Kill Your Career in 10 Easy Steps

1. Wallowing in the Past
Everyone messes up at some point or other. The important thing is often not the mistake itself, but rather how quickly you recover and move on from it. When you're at fault, admit it, apologize, fix it and then go forward. By recovering quickly, you'll learn from mistakes and save a lot of time and aggravation.

2. Being a Control Freak
High stress levels have been traced to a national trend toward controlling behavior. Controlling people concern themselves not only with their own thoughts and actions, but insist others think and act in certain ways as well. This is a losing battle. Try to see the advantages in how others approach things. Not only will you experience less tension, you'll find that when people feel accepted for who they are, they will be more inclined to help you.

3. Wishing You Were Someplace Else
When you're at work, you wish you were home; when it's Monday you wish it were Saturday... it's almost impossible to be focused and effective when your mind is preoccupied with where it would rather be. If you're not careful, you can begin wishing your life away. Spending less time wanting to be somewhere else and more time focused on what you're actually doing will help you regain your enthusiasm and be more creative and productive.

4. Negative Thinking
Many people are held back by negative or fearful thoughts. For years an independent salesperson told herself it wasn't worth calling prospects on weekends because they might be offended. Truth was, she was afraid to make the calls. Once she decided to drop her fear and pick up the phone, she discovered weekends were an excellent time to call, because more people were home, relaxed and receptive. As a result, she tripled her income.

5. Not Asking For What You Want
Be it a raise, more resources for a project or a second chance, it's amazing what you can accomplish simply by asking for what you want. The key is to believe in your request and that others want to help you.

6. Becoming Too Attached to Outcomes
Being attached to a specific outcome takes enormous amounts of energy and creates anxiety that gets in your way of doing your best. Being detached, on the other hand, creates emotional freedom. It means trying hard and really caring, but at the same time being completely willing to let go of the outcome. Detachment takes the pressure off and lets you enjoy the process.

7. Fear of Public Speaking
Experts repeatedly say speaking in front of groups is the No. 1 fear in America -- topping even bankruptcy and death! Yet, the increased visibility and advancement opportunities you gain from being able to present to groups are enormous. Take a public speaking course, then put yourself in situations that require you to get up and talk in front of people. You'll find it gets easier and more fun with practice.

8. Self-Absorption
Self-absorbed individuals love to hear themselves talk and see others as instruments to get what they want. This is not only unattractive, it's detrimental to your personal development. Self-absorbed people tend to have poor relationships and slow learning curves, since they don't listen well. If you're drifting in that direction, make an adjustment. Everyone will benefit.

9. Making Career Decisions to Please Others
Too many people choose a career based on what they think will impress or win the approval of others. However, your best chance at success is through doing work you love. If you're not happy in your chosen field, consider switching to one for which you have a genuine interest or passion.

10. Always Seeking Perfection
Not everything has to go perfectly to be a success. Pick what is important and concentrate your efforts there. As for the rest, lowering your expectations a bit will allow you to relax and focus on the most important aspects of your job.

January 24, 2006

My Five Questions For God

Country Sunset near Caldwell AR

I was tagged this morning by dear Norma at Collecting My Thoughts with a meme that has a interesting theme.

What Five Questions Would You Ask God?

1.)Tell me which of the thousands of different faiths, denominations and sects is your true church, and how do you desire for us to worship you. So many have died physically and or emotionally over this question.

2.)How long did it take you to make the earth in human years? Old Earth, New Earth, Evolution, Intelligent Design....more division in your kingdom

3.) Is Perievent (I know that I am miss spelling this) Grace a reality. Do you present yourself to every mortal soul as they are dying to give them one last shot at eternal life? I have come to believe this and it has given great comfort to me.

4.)Why did you give us such expansive free choice knowing how monsterously we would sin? (abortion, genocide,ect)

5. Why did you give us such curioisity about space if there is no life on other worlds?

Bonus question

6.) If we are to spend eternity in full happiness and bliss, does this mean our pets are here in Heaven, and if so where are they... do they have their own Peaceable Kingdom Accross the Rainbow Bridge.

No Tags Meme lovers pick this up as you will

January 23, 2006

The Cats in the Cradle

The Verdant Shore, Near Hilo Hawaii

My child arrived just the other day,
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
You know I'm gonna be like you."

My son turned ten just the other day.
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed,
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him."

Well, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile,
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please?"

I've long since retired and my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time.
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad.
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
We're gonna have a good time then.

Harry Chapin


We all know the words... It was an anthem for our coming of age in the 70's. For many of us we listened to the song and looked at ourselves in the mirror and said " No Way, No me, I will not become what they are..."

But as a friend once said to me, he found that it is inevitable. He was sitting in a restaurant in Los Angeles, suit and tie, meeting a client, and realized that he had become everything that he despised as a former counter culturalist.

I look in the mirror and see myself physically and perhaps in every other way, becoming my mother and I am enraged by it, because so many of the circumstances are out of my control.

I grew up in a home where my parents lived in a sexless, loveless relationship "for the sake of the children." My father had a massive nervous breakdown at age 42 and found that he could not hold down a job once he was released from the institutions that helped him rebuild his sanity. He had a pension and SSA Disability payments, which provided a modest income, but to really make ends meet my mother had to work. She did. Did she enjoy working? I don't know... I never asked and now I cant. I just know that she worked and worked and if she had any dreams I doubt that she realized them. I know that her domestic life was a disaster.

I am the fruit of that. I saw it and said " No...I wanted the 2.5 kids and the house with the white picket fence. I married twice with those expectations, the first time with that implied, the second time with that stipulated. The Engineer was not ready to be a parent... I look back and understand that given our youth, but Woody promised and it was a lie just to get me to marry him. It has been our dirty little secret how this arrangement has been enforced...Once a family was out of the realm of possibility for me, and he admitted this and asked me for forgiveness,I was able to forgive him and somewhat accept it or so I thought. The pain of seeing young parents at this job is like salt being rubbed into the wound.

For a very long time I have been filled with rage. I am like a bomb waiting to go off. I tend to go off at the least thing. I am so angry, inexplicably, that it frightens me at times other times I revel in it for even though anger is such a negative emotion, by feeling it, and accepting the reality of it, I feel alive, I am in touch with my true self.

But for as much as I have identified some of the causes, it has never really explained it to my satisfaction. Woody isn't the only reason, poor health, menopause, Hawaii and that whole situation,... I know in my heart there was more....

I spent 5 years in extensive counseling at BIOLA University, sitting with some of the great minds in Christian psychology, and their students. One of the goals of good therapy is to teach you 1. To know when your whipped and you need to get back into counseling, and 2. To "self counsel" to lean to critically analyze what is going on in your life and choose to make the changes or acknowledge those things that you cant change and have to deal with. Many people never get to the point where they truly can do this. If your issues are due to organic problems, its not always possible. For example, those that are bi-polar, or have other chemical imbalances, or brain damage. Their realities are altered by their physical difficulties. My issues are nearly all eviromentally driven, with consideration given to things like hormones, general health, and my spiritual condition.

To do this sort of self treatment, you have to be ruthless with yourself and be prepared to deal with the situation. Like the alcoholic that has come to the understanding of the First Step of understanding their powerlessness over alcohol, the depressed and mentally ill that understand their issues, must deal with them, it can mean life or death...

My epiphany came at church. Pastor David was teaching on 1 Corinthians 13. The "Love" Chapter. As usual, he takes us on a tangent very different than the usual. For example last week as we dealt with the "Good Samaritan" he didn't talk much about the man that rescued the victim but the innkeeper that took the risk and continued to care for the victim when he might not be repaid. This week, instead of talking about how we should love others, Pastor applied this chapter to ourselves and how if we fail in loving ourselves, we defeat the purposes that God has for us. I sat and looked at the mental mirror and realized that by not acknowledging my feelings regarding my life, by allowing things to continue in the direction that they are with my job and my homelife that I was engaged in a major pattern of self hate. I went to the altar and prayed for the strength to do what needs to be done.

Woody and I didn't talk much as we went home changed into working clothes and took off for lunch and then off to the Mall to load our case with jewelry that we had ready. Once we got seated and ordered our food I looked Woody square in the eye and said. "Woody, I know why I feel the way I do, I am angry that my life has turned out exactly the way my Mother's did."
Woody, who never misses an opportunity to put my parents down retorted " No way, Hoku, You are light years ahead of your mother. You own your home, have money in the bank, have owned a business and realized many of your dreams. You have a great job and make more than your mom ever did and you aren't saddled with a drunk and debt..."
"She had children,I said quietly"
Woody snorked "Yeah, and look what that got her... Where are they now? Kids are so over rated. You know that you were never cut out to be a mother, you cant put up with the cats, let along a child..."
I replied "My mothers problem was that she favored the wrong child and she married a man that failed to keep his word to her, that he would be the leader and head of his home, he renounced that role when he gave up on life. Sort of like what you have done. Life got tough in Hawaii and you had to sweat it out, but when you got the cash from your sister, and you wanted to come back to the mainland, and you got the cash out of the business and the house, you gave up and have rested on the laurels of your bank account. You gave up. You are content to let your wife support you, let me work 7 days a week (several people at church commented on my working two jobs 7 days a week negatively)....
"Hoku, I haven't taken a dime of your paychecks, and I want you to save as much as you can and only pay your expenses and for the health insurances"
"But,Woody, the money is running out. You have borrowed the limit on your retirement funds, when that runs out, then you will want all that I am earning to maintain your standard of living. Like my father who only cared if there was food and alcohol in the house, so you will be. I see it coming and it enrages me. I cant believe I am in this position. You want me to work every moment of my day and night and I am telling you that I wont do it. I also wont allow you to say one more word about my parents since we are just like them.

there was a long silence. Woody finally looked at me and said that we did look like them relationally. And it was wrong. He cant change a lot of things and is sorry that I am so sad. He asked if I would be happy staying home and running the store. His mother hated her life as a housewife, was I sure I liked that life...Im not good at it...He asked me if I would be willing to wait for him to job hunt after we get the store stocked as this is taking a lot of time, and would I not quit until I get my health issues taken care of. I agreed to this but was amazed with the next words out of his mouth.

"You aren't going to demand that we go to counseling again. I hate it, I don't get it and its so embarrassing. You aren't going to go to Pastor David and embarrass me like you did before. You did that at Life Center and ruined everything for me. The men wouldn't talk to me, treated me like a freak."

So I don't think that a change is coming. It must all be kept a big secret. I only know that each time I expose the truth, it makes me stronger.

And I still look in the mirror, I think I know the truth now, and knowing this I can change my reality. This might mean a future without Woody. We are heading in that direction. That was the silent thing that was on the table yesterday. Its on there. I stand to lose a lot if that happens and so does he. It would be better if we could work this out forgive and move on, but when only one party want this sort of thing you end up growing apart, falling apart. My father's death freed my mother, perhaps that is how I will be freed from this double life...

January 22, 2006

Zechariah 1 The Lord Will Comfort Zion

Evening Light PanamaCity Beach florida

Zechariah 1

In the eighth month of the second year of Darius, the word of the LORD came to Zechariah the prophet, the son of Berechiah, the son of Iddo saying,
"The LORD was very angry with your fathers.
"Therefore say to them, 'Thus says the LORD of hosts, "Return to Me," declares the LORD of hosts, "that I may return to you," says the LORD of hosts.
"Do not be like your fathers, to whom the former prophets proclaimed, saying, 'Thus says the LORD of hosts, "Return now from your evil ways and from your evil deeds.'" But they did not listen or give heed to Me," declares the LORD.
"Your fathers, where are they? And the prophets, do they live forever?
"But did not My words and My statutes, which I commanded My servants the prophets, overtake your fathers? Then they repented and said, 'As the LORD of hosts purposed to do to us in accordance with our ways and our deeds, so He has dealt with us.' '""
On the twenty-fourth day of the eleventh month, which is the month Shebat, in the second year of Darius, the word of the LORD came to Zechariah the prophet, the son of Berechiah, the son of Iddo, as follows:
I saw at night, and behold, a man was riding on a red horse, and he was standing among the myrtle trees which were in the ravine, with red, sorrel and white horses behind him.
Then I said, "My lord, what are these?" And the angel who was speaking with me said to me, "I will show you what these are."
And the man who was standing among the myrtle trees answered and said, "These are those whom the LORD has sent to patrol the earth."
So they answered the angel of the LORD who was standing among the myrtle trees and said, "We have patrolled the earth, and behold, all the earth is peaceful and quiet."
Then the angel of the LORD said, "O LORD of hosts, how long will You have no compassion for Jerusalem and the cities of Judah, with which You have been indignant these seventy years?"
The LORD answered the angel who was speaking with me with gracious words, comforting words.
So the angel who was speaking with me said to me, "Proclaim, saying, 'Thus says the LORD of hosts, "I am exceedingly jealous for Jerusalem and Zion.
"But I am very angry with the nations who are at ease; for while I was only a little angry, they furthered the disaster."
'Therefore thus says the LORD, "I will return to Jerusalem with compassion; My house will be built in it," declares the LORD of hosts, "and a measuring line will be stretched over Jerusalem.'"
"Again, proclaim, saying, 'Thus says the LORD of hosts, "My cities will again overflow with prosperity, and the LORD will again comfort Zion and again choose Jerusalem.'""
Then I lifted up my eyes and looked, and behold, {there were} four horns.
So I said to the angel who was speaking with me, "What are these?" And he answered me, "These are the horns which have scattered Judah, Israel and Jerusalem."
Then the LORD showed me four craftsmen.
I said, "What are these coming to do?" And he said, "These are the horns which have scattered Judah so that no man lifts up his head; but these {craftsmen} have come to terrify them, to throw down the horns of the nations who have lifted up {their} horns against the land of Judah in order to scatter it."

January 19, 2006

Color Bow - A Poem

Paintbox Sky Storm over The gulf of Mexico

This poem was written by then 9 year old Arunima Sivanand. Now 14 she is a published poet. I love the spareness of her lines, and the breadth of her vision... She decribed the feeling I had when I saw the view in the photo. It was overwelming.

Colour Bow


Come to the window
run to the door
See the sky
don't let her go

The rain has gone
the sun has come
This bow of colours
won't hurt someone

She links the hills
she fills the dale
A colour bridge
there stands a still

Across the ground
I can hear aloud
God's anger sound
in the thunder cloud

Don't miss the chance
to see what he gave
Her colours are made
to wither and fade

Come to the window
run to the door
Or she will go
before you know.

Arunima

January 18, 2006

The Door Is Open

Ginger lei.

"Hoku, Hoku, where is that order with the set ups, we need to get stuff into the case at the new store." Woody is taking a proprietary hold on the new business and I am glad of it. I made the call and found that the accounting dept had put a hold on the order cause "how could those Hawaii people be in Arkansas?" Brother. I had given her all of the needed info could she just keep her opinions to herself and release the darn things?

But, as is true with most road blocks, they really are paths to open doors. We have been made aware of a local jeweler that is quitting the business. I requested to leave early and went over there and they have a very good sale going and were ready to sell a few of the setups to put jewelry on... Rings in particular need to be on a proper set up or they dont show at all 1n a case. So with the worn but presentable for this venue, case props, we drove to the Mall and set up our first display.

Azure Seas Jewelry and Gift is officially open for business.

I cant tell you how this makes me feel. Its less my baby than it was in Hawaii. Its on its own, since I dont have to do any more than keep the case stocked and pay the space rent every month. But its still an extension of my dream.

Woody is delighted to have something to do other than wash dishes and try to make dinner. (He has discovered those one dish box dinners that have the meat included. We add vegies to them and they bake up nice... helps to heat the house too.)

The Jewelry store is willing to sell me some of the inventory at a rock bottom price and offered me a fully equiped bench set up. I am waiting for a inventory of the tools and his price. I may sell something to purchase it even if I dont use it for a few years. Again preparing for a future of not going to an office everyday. The Source Mall venue is ideal to take in repair work, I would set up a studio in my garage, which has all that is needed to make that workable.

Its comming together. Slowly. I can see the thing developing.

January 17, 2006

Clear Channels

Harbor channel at the Canoe Launch. Hilo Yacht Harbor Big Island of Hawaii

I was looking at several news sites this morning (I have about 7 hours to kill at work these days, and I noticed the news trend and it really concerned me...

Teens' bold blogs spur warnings

There were two more stories along this line but when I went to get them for this post they had vanished into cyber twilight zone...

Im concerned that fear is trying to muzzle one of the best forms of free speech we still have in this society, Blogs and Blogging. It seems that the Education Thought Police now are restricting young people from blogging because of what they term as inappropriate content" As we all know what you and I might think is inappropriate content, to a teen ager is the thought of the moment, critical, and perhaps a part of their culture. Some of us are old enough to remember the negative responses our parents gave to our "inappropriate content" in our music, hairstyles and what we wrote in our hand written journals. Fortunately, I lived in a house that allowed me space and privacy, and were tolerant of my brothers long hair, our questionable taste in music, authors, and recreational activities, not to mention members of the opposite sex. Their goal and the goal of most parents I know is to just "get teens through the teen years alive..." And to keep those channels of communication open.

Which brings me to my point...Open channels of communication.

This quote for the article above rattled my cage

Many schools forbid the use of school computers for anything not school-related. But it is much harder to regulate what students do on home computers.

"We try . . . To say that the boundaries are on school grounds and within school time, but if there is a case that does tend to spill over and directly impact campus life, all of a sudden space and location, the geography of it, becomes less important,"

I can understand this regulation of schools computers and email addresses, but what the teen does at home, on his or her own computer, this computer use, especially blogging, email and the like, as long as he or she is not breaking the law, ie using email to bully, or commit a crime then may I ask, is that not protected speech, under the First Amendment? Is regulation of such activity a violation of the teens rights to free speech and privacy?

I have found blogging to be a really freeing form of self expression. I wished I had had this sort of vehicle for self expression when I was a teen. I wrote in a hand written journal, and still do, (began volume 37 this month) for as hard as my parent tried (as best they could I think considering all of their hang ups) There were things that I just couldn't share with them, that I couldn't share with anyone but I could write about it and it helped me to cope... Read my last post and you will know that I am still doing the same thing 30 years later! Writing is the best form of therapy for me and for many others I know as well.

So why are we restricting teens from blogging... "Because its risky, people with bad intentions could read it and use it against my kid" said a co-worker of mine. I am more concerned with restricting the free expression of young people who more than ever in this digital information over load age feel they need a voice and to be heard.

A word of caution perhaps is in order for the younger generation as well as each of us that blogs. Teens that use a school's email address risk a future college admissions person or employer "googling" them and seeing whatever they have posted because the students name is often the email address. Informing the student user that the internet is very public and anyone and we mean ANYONE can read this stuff they post is a must. Also teaching internet etiquette, and the perils of posting is better than banning the use of the blog altogether. This was true for the hand written journal in 1976 as it is now for the cyber journal of 2006, maybe more so as a website can be such a tool for evil as well as good.

When you make your life and "open book" you run the risk of exposure. I speak from experienceon this . Once, my journals were up for subpoena in a messy divorce involving a "boyfriend" of mine in my heathen days. They were fair game, and a blog is as well... My current employer asked if I were a blogger and when I said yes they asked that I never mention the firms name, the names of any other employees or the firms accounts. I agreed to that, and feel its fair. They want the company's privacy to be preserved and that is ok by me. If I have a gripe I will share it with them and not set up a blogsite to rant on like so many do.

Free speech issues not withstanding, I think we as adults need to be willing to risk a few blogs in poor taste, to restricting the free flow of information. Like damming up a stream, not allowing for free flow of water that keeps it clear and clean, the blocking of thought and speech muddies up the water of ideas and prevents a clear channel of communication from flowing. This is a risk for every American, but for our teens, in the throes of comming of age angst that is the greatest risk of all.

January 16, 2006

The Desert

Peaceful Palm Wailoa State Park Hilo Hawaii

I am living in the desert...mentally emotionally and creatively. I know that it sounds whiny and somewhat daft, but this last week was just awful.

It is impossible at work. I have absolutly nothing to do and a mountain of things I need to do at home. Its frustrating and demoralizing and I dont know if I can take another day of this mind numbing boredom. I dread going to work...I never thought that I would allow myself to feel like this.

My Dad told me a story about a NASA engineer that the powers that be wanted to be rid of, so they gave him an office and a secretary, and nothing to do. No projects to work on. Eventually the secretary quit and the poor man committed suicide.

I can see how this can be, I was a stark raving lunatic at points this past week.

I come home and I find that little is done, I dont know what to do with Woody. I was so mad at him this week I was ready to throw him out, but I dont think that I can...I dont know if Im being fair... He's fifty seven, overweight, not in the best health...maybe he cant get a job... He's getting dividends from his retirement fund nearly enough for a spartan life for the two of us... I am guessing that he feels that this is enough and that he doesnt need to do anything else

Maybe this is the way its going to be... I will work and Woody will... do whatever he does... I dont understand why God has me in this position. He swares he will do something I dont know what.

I cant work on the new business, cant clean my house, cant do anything... Im just frustrated beyond words.

I have cried screamed raved and contemplated actions as diverse as driving my van off a freeway bridge to quitting my job to getting a lawyer... None of these things are productive or in my best intrests. So I need to sit back and take a really deep breath... remembering that this situation is for MY good, that I am not responsible for what Woody does or doesnt do.

I am setting up a five year plan. I will work till I am 50, then I will hang it up if I want, even if that means a reduced quality of life, or still working part time.... I dont want to work like my mother did using up the last good years of her life trying to support herself. Im not doing that... burning up my creative energy punching buttons in a building, shut away from the sun. I will do what I can to endure, but I am having a really hard time.

I am living in a desert now, not much call for creativity, no call for love or passion. I am a drone. It stinks and I hate it. Im praying for God to deliver me soon.

I know that all of those blessed spiritually went though times like this... There is nothing like the refining fire of trial to refine one inwardly... but this is less a fire to gold than the sculptors tools on a peice of marble that He is shaping into His image. Sometimes it a chisle, or a planing tool...or sand paper...this feels like sandblasting...

January 15, 2006

1 John 5- The Certainty of God's Witness

Fire in the Seas Kamoamoa flow Photo courtesy of HVNPVO

1John 5

Whoever believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves Him who begot also loves him who is begotten of Him. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and keep His commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world--*our faith. Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?

This is He who came by water and blood--Jesus Christ; not only by water, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who bears witness, because the Spirit is truth. For there are three that bear witness *in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one. And there are three that bear witness on earth: the Spirit, the water, and the blood; and these three agree as one.
If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God is greater; for this is the witness of *God which He has testified of His Son. He who believes in the Son of God has the witness in himself; he who does not believe God has made Him a liar, because he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son. And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has *life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.

Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
If anyone sees his brother sinning a sin which does not lead to death, he will ask, and He will give him life for those who commit sin not leading to death. There is sin leading to death. I do not say that he should pray about that. All unrighteousness is sin, and there is sin not leading to death.

We know that whoever is born of God does not sin; but he who has been born of God keeps *himself, and the wicked one does not touch him.
We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one.
And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life.
Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen.

January 13, 2006

Friday Cat Blogging..

Flikr toy courtesy of flagrantdisregard.com and Laurence Simon at TBIFOC...

Happy Friday

January 11, 2006

My Muse is Silent

path to the sea, Richardson Beach near Hilo Hawaii

My Muse is silent
There is no inspiration
The the flow of ideas
Dammed by monotony

Daily, rising in the dark
Cold, within and without
I feel my inner life
Crushed out, like a wine grape

I have no time, no peace
No silence to gather my thoughts
My day is a constant barrage
Of meaningless talk and noise

Alone in a sea of faces
that I know only in passing
in the corridors, the restroom
They look and turn away

I am on this unexpected path
I did not choose this way
It is lonely, hard, monotonous
but I am walking anyway

January 10, 2006

The Snowy Day

As I pulled into the drive the snow fell like like feathers!


Its Snowing outside. To this child of the sun it never fails to delight me. There is a little grumbling about the roads but we are so starved for moisture here, most are happy about it.We are 20 inches below our normal rainfal. One of the guys here said that they are thinking of sacrificing me to the Ozark rain gods as I brought the gods of sunshine and dry skies... I laughed and said "You want rain, go to Hilo 165 inches of rain a year! Its not my fault...." we all laughed...

The snow falls slowly. The post holiday slowdown has afflicted this office. 12 people with NOTHING to do. I have been working on my business and typing letters. I got caught today doing someone elses work on the sly and she yelled at me, then gave me a spontanious hug... There is horse play and long smoke breaks and lunches. Sports scores are discussed, and prospects for local football heros going to U of A. I have never lived in a place that takes its sport so seriously. Must be the weather...

"My goodness, get a load of him... I didnt know he looked like that!..." There is a crowd around a gals desk and they are looking at the Washington CO Dept. of Corrections website. All of the offenders in the county are on there. It takes little to occupy these "kids"... We are talking a lot about the impending birth of the baby I mentioned last month in a post. The gal is going to the day and had to be forced to stay at home close to the phone and the hospital. I said we ought to have a charity pool on the day and hour, and that is being run through HR to see if it violates the gambling clause.

My vice at times like this is to monitor my stock portfolio, which has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride these last few days. I have limit sell orders in and hope to profit enought to stock my little shop as I cant make up my mind what to buy. What I want to do is buy it all and see what sells. I troll throught the Net to find new vendors and fill out credit apps.

And I shop on line... A little Avon, a leather case for my IPod that Ive not loaded up yet... I had requests for copies of the picture that I had on my last post, so I had 100 notecards made up by vista print started with the offer we are giving you ten free ones... and we all got to talking that I could sell them in the store. We shall see.

I have some stock in but need to work on my home computer to do the inventory, but I priced the items and looked everything over. Its lovely. Its going to work out.I cant wait to see the next line that we bring in.

My drive home was slow but not bad and as I pulled into the driveway the sky burst open like the angels were having a pillow fight, snowfalkes the size of feathers...

Woody was glued to the living room window watching the snow... Mak and Nani were watching terrified of the falling stuff and were relieved as darkness fell...


Winter Wonderland, the snowy afternoon... outside my front door

January 08, 2006

Psalm 149- A Song of Praise

Wave Spray. Brilliant wave drashing on volcanic rock at Laupahoehoe point Big Island of Hawaii

Psalm 149

Praise to God for His Salvation and Judgment


Praise the Lord!


Sing to the Lord a new song,
And His praise in the assembly of saints.


Let Israel rejoice in their Maker;
Let the children of Zion be joyful in their King.
Let them praise His name with the dance;
Let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp.
For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the humble with salvation.


Let the saints be joyful in glory;
Let them sing aloud on their beds.
Let the high praises of God be in their mouth,
And a two-edged sword in their hand,
To execute vengeance on the nations,
And punishments on the peoples;
To bind their kings with chains,
And their nobles with fetters of iron;
To execute on them the written judgment--
This honor have all His saints.


Praise the Lord!

January 07, 2006

Childhood Paradise Meme

Children in Paradise Tiny Wahine, Hilo Ho'olaulea 9-2004

I got this meme from Steve at Careful Thought


My life as a child (under 15) in 50 words or less: Troubled... Solitary.I played alone pretty much. Read in my room with the door closed. Would go outside and sit quietly and wait for birds to come near me so I could watch them. Being a part of the natural would kept me connected and sane.

Where were you a kid? Downey, California Home of the Apollo Space Program, the Space Shuttle, and Karen and Richard Carpenter

Given the choice, were you barefoot or shoed? Barefoot, even now.

Did you have a pet? Yes a female Korat kitty named Smokey, assorted hamsters, fish. Never had a dog

Best Subject in School Reading, History

Worst Subject in School math spelling penmanship

Joiner of Loner loner


Who was your best friend? I met up with a school friend on a job in 1998. She wasn't my best friend, I don't think I even had a best friend, but she remembered me.

Were you a city kid or a country kid? City kid all the way.

Stupidest thing you did before the age of 15: I walked home from school taking a short cut through an area of abandoned warehouses, along a railroad track, I was chased by a man who meant me no good, but escaped unharmed.

Do you know how to play Kick the Can? Of course.

What else did you play in groups? We had a group of kids on our block for a time, and we'd play hide and seek, but mostly I kept to myself.

Worst injury? At 12, my 11 year old brother, in a blind rage that I defied his wish to get into my stuff, picked up a heavy magnet he'd pried off an old stereo speaker and threw it at me, hitting me in the face. It shattered my glasses, and glass lodged in my eyes which had to be removed by a surgeon. My nose was broken at the bridge, I still have a scar there. Had the impact been a bit higher, the blow could have killed me or caused brain damage. This was at church, at the youth night gathering and I can remember the youth pastor yelling at my brother that " he could have killed me" and my brother replying that "he wished I was dead as I caused him too many problems" My Mother came and took me to ER all the while telling me not to tell my Father how this happened as she wasn't sure how my Father would handle it and feared for my brothers safety. Obviously my safety wasnt a concern.

Do you agree with Bob Seger's line in Against the Wind, "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then"? Sometimes, but mostly no. I wish I knew then what I know now, that God loved me and really cared. As I was growing up I really didnt think that was true...

Who to tag? I will leave that to you all

January 06, 2006

Return to Paradise

A tropical garden at Rainbow Falls State Park

It is exhilarating
the very thought
of smelling the humid air
sweetly seasoned with Plumeria

I can hear
In my mind's ear
The unearthly sound of rain
Crossing the sea with a roar

On Hilo's corners
and in the Farmer's Market
The sweet lilting song
the tongue of the Kanaka O'li

Moana ke Aloha
The sea that I love
half a world away
But on my mind immediately

My heart yearns for
The Green Land
As my eyes consume
The travel brochure

January 05, 2006

Four On The Floor Meme

Hawaii Kai, Surf near Richardson Beach Park Hilo Hawaii

I pinched this meme from Mark at Knockin on the Golden Door


Four On The Floor

1. Four jobs you've had in your life: Freight Coordinator, Receptionist, Jeweler, Lead Singer in a Band...(and many many more, like Bank Teller and Telemarketer, I'll give nearly any job a while if it pays)


2. Four movies you could watch over and over: Ben Hur,The Lord of the Rings Trilogy,On Golden Pond,The Bird Cage (Robin Williams was a scream.)Add El Cid, Lion in Winter, Titanic, and Hawaii, but they are LONG....

3. Four places you've lived: California, Hawaii,Texas, and Arkansas.

4. Four TV shows you love to watch: Law and Order (all)Dog the Bounty Hunter(cause he's a good guy and I love seeing my Hawaii) Reruns of Star Trek (old and TNG). I will turn on EWTN and just let it play

5. Four websites you visit daily: Smoothstone, Texas Trifles,MSN,and my company site, plus My Wide Blue Seas

6. Four of your favorite foods: Chicken Vindaloo,Ice Cream, especially Chocolate , Cheese anything,A well baked Garnet Yam with butter on it. I am also a salad freak

7. Four places you'd rather be: Hawaii,At home, In Church ,Anywhere Close to the Ocean

8. Four albums you can't live without: A recording of Beethovens 6th symphony, Any of the recordings of Fernando Ortega, but I listen to his Hymns and Meditations often,Morten Lauriadsen's Lux Aeterna, Keali'i Rachael, any of his albums, I could listen to his chanting forever, it brings Hawaii close to my heart).

9. Four Books to take on the Journey: The Bible, The Rule of St Benedict, The Imitation of Christ, The Diary of St Faustina, Runners up too many to list

10. Four things to leave behind as you go: Regrets, Bad Memories, Attitudes that dont work positivley for me,Excess stuff

Four people upon whom I want to foist this meme:

Steve of Wild Olive Branch

Cowtown Pattie of Texas Trifles

Smooth of Smooth Stone

Eric of Fire Ant Gazette

and anyone else that wants to do it...hey its a sort of News Years inventory

January 04, 2006

Football Evening

Mak and Nani watching football in the TV room. Notice that gender devide inhabits our household. The Females, Nani and myself really dont care and find it a big yawn. Mak, however, is glued to the tube!

Woody is watching football, USC being his fave college team, and I am well in the other room by the fire thanking God for giving me the insight to buy Woody wireless headphones for the TV. I cannot stand the ceasless chatter of sports events. UGH!

January 03, 2006

Now Comes The Hard Part

Baby's Breath near the pasture fence near Caldwell AR

"No they didnt pass inspection...the next one will be friday," Woody says to me calling from the Grapevine. The city of Rogers should be thrilled that they are moving into the abandoned Expo Center, generating all of that tax revenue... but typical, true to form, the city is fighting progress, fearful of the impact the added people comming into the area to shop. And no wonder. This town is affectionatly known as "Boomtown" due to its exploding growth. This quiet community of 18000 just a few short years ago is now home to 38,000 and is the bedroom community for the "Big Three" WalMart, Tyson and JB Hunt. Known on its own as the home of Daisy MFG, (how many of you owned a Daisy BB Gun as a kid?, like as not it was made here in Rogers)

Rogers is also home to a major medical center and most of this areas shopping and dining. Resturants and shopping malls are springing up along with the housing tracts that are consuming the range lands and creating a city sprung up like summer grass. Its not easy on anyone and the locals are scared of the changes and angry at the loss of a rural way of life.

While there are those opposed to The Grapevine moving in, others know that this is just the ticket to get away from the over reach of Wal Mart and the sameness of the big box store. The Source mall creates a little downtown under a roof. They are putting in a Cafe and entertainment area so you could come and spend a hot summer day there in the cool airconditioning. It adds stores and shopping without building and tearing up the streets!

Well we are still hopefull. I ordered my first product,from our friends at Twinflies, a small family run manufacturer in Hong Kong and display peices. Our old suppliers are so thrilled. My box maker pulled my hot stamping plates for the lettering insde the boxes and said with dismay "It says Hilo Hawaii on it..." I said "Yes, isnt that lovely, we are going to leave that just as it is..." Unless you were there and saw people glom onto those gorgeous velvet boxes with "Hawaii" stamped on them you wouldnt understand.

Woody is still working down there and the people havent talked to him about full time work but I see that comming. They need some one to run the 25 jewelry cases and/or do security. The lady doing the hireing wasnt sure if she was going to need Woody unless he'd work for space rent which is absurd. We shall see how things go.

It was dead slow at my job...I cranked up Aloha Joe and went to work looking up more prospects for suppliers. I ran down a dozen or so and sent emails off for info. Now that I have a business license I can start stocking...This is the fun part.

The waiting... that is the hard part...

January 02, 2006

The Phoenix Rises

Rehanging the Shingle. The sign that hung in front of our store in Hilo.


Your dead shall live.... Isaiah 26:19

Last week, I was looking at new photo album that I bought in Hilo before we moved. Still in its shrink wrap, the red and yellow hibiscus was cheery and fun. At a list price of 7.99, I thought "Gee, I wonder how many other people would buy this?". So I took it to work, and it turned out that those young parents and grand parents love those little photo albums. The fact that the pretty thing came from Hawaii gave it added intrest.

Over and over people have told us things like..." I had the best cup of coffee while on Maui.." or " I would love to go back to Oahu just to go shooping" or "I wore that Hawaiian shirt/tee shirt/dress I bought while on vacation till it was a rag. I wish I could get a new one." I saw what people buy in Hawaii, and what they keep forever. I saw the crowds at the Mac Nut Factory and at Big Island Candies... and in my own store.

People find my love for the islands contagious, and I love the things, hand made things and otherwise, wonderful. The music and culture of the "real" Hawaii deserve to be shared positively and with joy.

But, I didnt want to open a storefront on my own.

One of the big local news stories in the past few weeks was the closing and move of the Grapevine Mall. This was the largest "Source" Mall in an area where antiqueing is a fine art. "Source Malls are different in that the goods are new and you are dealing with a middleman representing a manufacturer. Vendors get the goods and place it in this giant store that is staffed by employees of the mall. People flocked to it even though its prior location made it difficult as Tonitown is a bit off the main drag.

But those that went talked highly of it and the vendors were top noch. Most of them are making the move to Rogers to what is the best location in the area. The owners are running ads on a number of local tv and radio stations and in the paper. They dont skimp on advertising.

So, I have this album, and a million contacts for stuff made in Hawaii. Its a perfect match. So I present Woody with the idea and we went down to check out the situation. We met with the owners who we liked on the spot. But most importantly found a business model that eliminates much of what I didnt like about owning a store. The place is a 7 day a week operation, but I never have to be there. I just have to put stuff in the case, and pay the rent. The mall sells it, collects and pays the sales tax, and at the end of the month send me a check and a statement showing what sold. No commissions, no taxes,no insurance, no employee hastles...

Not only did Woody go for the Gift Store with a Hawaiian theme, but set up a jewelry case right in front by the door. I start calling in the morning looking for jewelry product. The mall opens in a few days...

Azure Seas Jewelry is reborn, and now we have a much better venue, less over head and exclusive rights at that to the concept.

Now comes all the work of a start up....



The happy business owner Woody after a trying afternoon of building displays. Not much of a builder, but hes a risk taker...

January 01, 2006

1 Peter 1:3-25 A New You For The New Year

Rainbow Falls Hilo Hawaii

1 Peter 1:3-25

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not *seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith--the salvation of your souls.
Of this salvation the prophets have inquired and searched carefully, who prophesied of the grace that would come to you, searching what, or what manner of time, the Spirit of Christ who was in them was indicating when He testified beforehand the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. To them it was revealed that, not to themselves, but to *us they were ministering the things which now have been reported to you through those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven--things which angels desire to look into.

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, "Be holy, for I am holy."*
And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.

Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth *through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, having been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides *forever, because


"All flesh is as grass,
And all *the glory of man as the flower of the grass.
The grass withers,
And its flower falls away,
But the *word of the Lord endures forever."


Now this is the word which by the gospel was preached to you.