July 12, 2007

A Question of Direction

A wilderness view, Tanyard Creek Nature Trail, Bella Vista Arkansas

Post begun July 3 2007

"What were you thinking?... you werent thinking, you are out of your mind!"
"Im not out of my mind, I can afford it, and I knew you wouldnt understand and youd yell at me..."
"Thats a 30,000.00 car and you dont have a job."
"Im using the intrest off of my retirement account to make the payments, and restoring my credit."
"You are supposed to be saving that for the future...what about your old age?"
"Tomorrow will take care of itsself, I wanted the car and I dont care what you think"
"You didnt even call me or consider the potential fallout from this decision"
" I didnt care, I dont care..."

.

It was 2 am and I was pulling into the drive, it had been a long night at work and I was beat. I thought that I was seeing things...

There was a flaming red Chrysler Crossfire Coupe in my driveway...

I was so mad I couldnt see straight and well, it was very unpleasent for several hours... and its still unpleasent with regards to the car even now a week later.

He has a story about it...he always has something to say, but he cant justify it. He schemed for weeks and didnt tell me. He allowed the crooks at the dealership to convince him he deserved it and how wonderful it would be for him when really they had screwed up and ordered the wrong car and this was a way for them to sell it with out it ever hitting the showroom floor.

I find that it typifies our life right now...a sort of "every savage for themselves" mentality that makes me constantly wonder what I am doing here. I am now in a separate bedroom, Yes I have all of my stuff in there (I feel like I am sleeping in a library) and my new bed is comfortable to the point of luxurious. I can sleep all that I want and not worry about waking Woody up when I come home at night... but this "practical" plan has left me feeling somewhat lost and very sad. I dont have even the little contact that I used to have with him...

July 12

Divorce resolves nothing. It creates a whole set of new problems, and for the two of us who have few options, we really need each other. We need to work things out and not just harden our hearts totally. I feel very fortunate that we have people around us that are committing helping us work through things.

A good friend talked to me about my anger, bitterness and resentment. I overflow with these negative emotions that yes are well justified but in truth only hurt me. I cant control Woody, only myself. Those are things that I have to deal with, regardless of what Woody does or how he acts. This resentment of his seemingly effortless way of life, financially and otherwise is sinful. I feel like I have to struggle all of the time and envy his life...when in reality its God that puts us where we are. I cant change how my life is by much, I have attempted to be faithful in what I can so I need to rest in God's provision and quit looking at Woody, who may be getting his reward...

I have tried to make peace with the car... its pretty, the way most impractical things are pretty. I rode up to Eureka Springs in it...pretty much spent the day in the car. My body ached for days, I have deep tissue bruises where the roll bars dug grooves into my thighs and my backside is sore from having to pretty much sit on my tailbone bent crooked as we drive all over More Mountain... I managed to ignore my claustrophobia and how a car like that reminds me of a coffin and I feel like I am going to suffocate in the low riding go cart of a thing....

I still want to kick it everytime I pass it in the drive as I come home from a hard nights work. To me it symbolizes everything I despise anymore.... conspicuous consumption, living beyond ones means... and the neighbors who see Woody clambering out of it, struggling... then say to me "why?"... I cant answer that as I dont know. It is I dont know, a sign of the huge rift that has always been, just manifesting itself now. We are so different and I doubt that we will ever truly connect. We can only hope to move in a better more positive direction...

Postscript...tonight at work my boss says "Hey, Hoku, your hesbands on the phone..." Yeah , its Woody, wanting me to come down to the parking lot. There he is with another car, a used Toyota Avalon. It has seen better days but it is comfortable and while it has a faint smoked in smell, the leather seats and the smooth ride make up for a multitude of sins. I regret his selling the LHS as it was in much better shape and had lower miles... But perhaps Woody will buy this one for running around town, as he cant put anything into the Crossfire including golfclubs or both cat carriers...

He has been talking to a friend about us, I know, and there have been some positive moves, He is spending more time with me and... well... I sense that he is trying. I am too. I want there to be no question of direction, just an obvious forward motion as we try to pick up the pieces of our lives...one piece at a time.

Labels: Bella Vista, Breaking News, Faith, Woody