September 22, 2007

Standing on the Inside

Healthy and on two feet, Your writer standing in front of the Magnolia Plantation on the Ashley, near Charleston South Carolina may 2007

My mother, once she was bound to a wheelchair was fond of telling this story....

A small energetic boy was unable to sit through church without standing up and making a comotion, Finally the exasperated mother sat the boy down firmly and whispered in his ear that if he didnt behave he would be marched out in front of everyone and given a reason to be unable to sit down for a bit...The boy sat down with arms folded and a frown on his face. The mother leaned over and asked "whats the matter now?" the boy answered " I may be sitting down on the outside, but I am standing up on the inside...."

I am standing up on the inside too. This is near the end of my second week of near confinement due to my broken foot. I have not spent as much time off of it as I should, my life is too busy and active to allow that. But the moderate pain and swelling does not allow for much walking even in the walking boot. I feel nearly claustrophobic much of the time and this has resulted in stress and tension that I really didnt expect. Being surrounded by my messy house but unable to do much cleaning, to see unfinished projects that have been laying around since we moved in, I am regaining the weight I lost...and there is Annabelle, who has fully given herself to Woody, and is both afraid and unconcerned about me now that I cant walk her, and play with her... I broke down and had a screaming fit yesterday. I feel like I have lost, am lost and have nothing left...Even my dog doesnt want a thing to do with me.

I no longer get calls from work about things at night and while this speaks well of my training of my teammates, it is a bit disheartening and I feel like they no longer need me...I have another two to four months of this to deal with. The soonest I will be allowed to go back to work is 10-10... Because I have been gone so long and the account is going away I have no idea what my future is at thisplace. I wouldnt mind getting let go but I dont want to end up in the talent pool doing something I hate ( and on day shift yet)for the sake of keeping me on there till yet another job comes up. And yet... I do understand that I am fortunate that I have a position that earns the money that I earn... The health insurance that I have that has helped me and the fully paid disability I am getting. But I hate that I have been on four accounts in less than two years and have moved desks 12 times in that time. 11 of those prior to May of this year... I dont want to go back to that.

After I had my fit two days ago...it was a particularly violent one and so loud that my neighbor wanted to call 911. I cried my guts up and felt much better afterward...Its the stress of standing up on the inside of trying to keep things positive and not dealing with the possibilities of permanent damage to my foot, loss of my job, Woody, jobless again, Annabelle, and the kitties who also want little to do with me, fearing my cane and my boot. The heat and the messiness...The separation and the gnawing loneliness, yes some of which is self inflicted. (I had yet another friend who is "hurt" by my conversion to the Catholic Church, blast me, not wanting to really understand or listen to my reasons for making this huge decision...I knew it was going to cost me, I am not done paying...)It doesnt get easier with not being able to take a walk...my favorite medicine for the blues that so easily beset me..

I dont want this to be a whine fest. That is why I havent written this week and thought that tonight as I watch EWTN and listened to Father Francis talk about St. Matthew the tax collector, the outcast and disposed...called then chosen, writer of the gospel and martyr... I know that good will come and I really have tried to look for it so I can stand...

Woody and I began a ruthless clean out of the garage today.I can do this sitting down with my foot propped up. He brings me the boxes and I go through them. Our goal is to touch everything that is boxed. Identify not only what the item is but why we are keeping it. We have a wonderful outlet for selling our castoffs, at a consignment shop in Gravette a town 20 miles from here. Nearly everything we have taken there has sold, including furniture, lightly used...well everything... We even hit a estate sale on our street that was easy to walk over to and I bought a few things for resale in our booth. The move to separate bedrooms cost us nearly 4000.00 in new beds, bedding and furniture. We are using the money we earn from this to pay on that bill and I am glad for that. It is my only bill and I hope to have it paid off by years end... We have sold a large number of my books, particularly the books I was given and bought early in my Christian life that will help others, and if I sell them for a dollar each and they are read, that is so much better than them sitting on my shelf or worse in a box in my garage.

I found a few unexpected things, things we had not touched in Hawaii in out big clean out. We think we touched 85 percent of the cartons then. This time we will have everything emptied and recartoned or in the house or and this is most likely out the door to the booth in Gravette. I found in a envelope of papers that belonged to my father and inside an original copy of his birth certificate. After my recent passport debacle, its nice to have this,without a lot of digging. I also found a photo album of pictures of my father first wife, a blond bombshell, that was a Marilyn Monroe wannabe bit part actress, who left my dad and their marriage for a Hollywood big shot. I havent decided what to do with all of this stuff, much of which may not have any meaning anymore with my brother and his son not caring too much about about me or our Dad and David's grandad...I have little desire for it.

I am not sure what I want to do with all of the family items... We went back to the house where we bought all of the stuff yesterday, and I spoke to the lady that was selling out again, she continued to admonish me to figure out what was important to me personally. You cant think of other family members, or "posterity" Chances are if I toss something I can replace it.

I did go back for a reason, a porcelain doll, a collectors item, that is the doll of my girlhood dreams, She was 150.00 when she was at the Lady's shop, by the time the end of sale discounts were taken I paid under 20 dollars for her. She has a chair and is weighted for sitting.So she sits in my room for now... I will enjoy her for a bit and then pass her along to the booth.

Yes I added to my stuff, I shall have to gather more out of my house to make up for this... but I loved her...And that was what the lady said, only keep what you truly love and toss the rest. Then you will have room to enjoy what you keep.

That is true not only for things but also for feelings. I have found in this week of being still that there is a lot of trash in my heart that I need to toss out. May God help me to do that as well. So that when the time comes, I can stand and walk unhindered but physically and inwardly by the things that beset me and fill my life unnecessarily

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Family History, Woody, working