January 31, 2010

II Samuel 22:3-4,7,17-37,47,50 ~Praises to God

Long Shadows Snowy afternoon Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR


"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold,
my high tower, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.
I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
for he saves me from my enemies.


In my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I called to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry reached his ears.
"He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He delivered me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest,
but the Lord upheld me.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.
The Lord rewarded me for doing right;
he compensated me because of my innocence.


For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I have not turned from my God to follow evil.
For all his laws are constantly before me;
I have never abandoned his principles.
I am blameless before God;
I have kept myself from sin.
The Lord rewarded me for doing right,
because of my innocence in his sight.


"To the faithful you show yourself faithful;
to those with integrity you show integrity.
To the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.
You rescue those who are humble,
but your eyes are on the proud to humiliate them.


O Lord, you are my light;
yes, Lord, you light up my darkness.
In your strength I can crush an army;
with my God I can scale any wall.


"As for God, his way is perfect.
All the Lord's promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God except the Lord?
Who but our God is a solid rock?
God is my strong fortress;
he has made my way safe.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
leading me safely along the mountain heights.
You have made a wide path for my feet
to keep them from slipping.


"The Lord lives! Blessed be my rock!
May God, the rock of my salvation, be exalted!
For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;
I will sing joyfully to your name.

Labels: Pear Tree Cottage, scripture

January 30, 2010

Turning The Corner

Glowing lights in the snow...Peartree cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

Im living in a winter wonderland. Over 36 hours we had about a foot of snow here. Not a record but enough to really mess things up for driving and the like. I have been housebound for several days, and have enjoyed the quiet time

I have had a wonderful turn of events. After several weeks of prayer, interviews, hopes then dispair of not hearing an offer of employment was made to me by a local transportation company. I am working as a driver manager on the swing shift 430 pm to midnight 5 days a week, then one 10 hour saturday every four weeks. Its a longer drive than most people would make here but it being off hours, it is not a problem for me. The compensation is good, and the insurance is very good. I was so grateful that when I got the message from the HR guy I literally passed out... I came to on the couch a few minutes later I was so relieved and released from the stress of wondering what was going to happen to me...

Its a interesting place, there are a number of people there that I know, but none of them are the reason I got this job. Its was totally a matter of Gods hand guiding this and frankly I see it as ideal...My transition into the work group has been a touch awkward but nothing I cant handle. I am the only women on the shift and that has made for interesting moments... They dont have a training manual and dont really know what to do. The computer is counter intuative (AS400 based) I have been there a week and have had only 30 minute of computer time and perhaps can answer the phone. Ive been told not to worry about it, the man that is responsible for training me said it was three months or so before he felt that he had it down

The storm this week caused me to leave early on thursday and not go in on friday as the roads were so bad. Im told this will not have a negative impact on my job retention. I was worried because I dont want to be perceived as a wimp, however I cant afford an accident and to damage my van. The ice layer on my van was nearly 2 inches thick at 9 pm so they boosted me out as soon as we were able to chemically melt the ice off my windshield, it took me over two hours to drive the thirty miles home

I feel very differently from the way I did even three weeks ago. The sense of relief, and the ability to start to think about my future is incredible. I can start to address my way past due bills, and the now defunct contract to buy this house. I have no desire to move closer to my job like many of co workers, especially with enjoying the beauty of the snowfall...its worth the inconvienience of bad weather and the drive late at night. So I am praying about buying the house I am currently living in. I will be able to afford it eventually

Working at night has many advantages not just the easier drive. I love being able to awaken naturally in the mornings, to be able to have time for prayer and meditation, walks with Abigail...(weather permitting)and the morning Al Anon meeting on fridays...My days are relaxed and natural so my stress level is so much lower even though I still had first week jitters.

All of the evening activities like RCIA are going by the by. I am meeting with Msgr Scott to finalized the date for my First Confession, which will be different than the rest of the class as I will be coming during the day... again I like the idea that I will be able to take my time and do this right, I have been waiting for this for a long time.

Im also having to give up my home group Al Anon meeting, and a few other activities but again it is really a small trade off

I feel like I have exhaled and turned the corner. I will never take a job for granted and never take the fact that I have a job and am taking care of myself, means that someone else isnt really trying. My choices wont be based on the needs of another but on what I need. I fear that I have a big decision coming that will be hard for some to accept, but I will pray it through and then do what I think is best

I heard a song today that sums up where I have been in this last year and where I want to go on to

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Jewel

Im grateful to God for His provision I missed neither a meal for want of food nor appointment for want of gas. I sold a great many things but nothing I cant live without. I am so glad, so thankful for all of your prayers and support.


Swathed in snow Peartree Cottage

Labels: Breaking News, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem, working

January 24, 2010

Psalm 92~How Great Are Your Works

Winter Sunrise near Lowell AR

It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High;
to declare your steadfast love in the morning,
and your faithfulness by night,
to the music of the lute and the harp,
to the melody of the lyre.
For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work;
at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

How great are your works, O Lord!
Your thoughts are very deep!
The stupid man cannot know;
the fool cannot understand this:
that though the wicked sprout like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they are doomed to destruction forever;
but you, O Lord, are on high forever.
For behold, your enemies, O Lord,
for behold, your enemies shall perish;
all evildoers shall be scattered.


The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the Lord;
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the Lord is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

January 17, 2010

The Coldest Day Ever

Winter's long shadows over Pear Tree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
"So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.
"And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!
"So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Jesus Christ

Matthew 6:24-34

I sit in sunny warmth that feels like spring even though it is merely 40 degrees. The previous months deep cold is like a memory... one morning it was 15 below when I went out to get the paper at 10 am. I stood there and thought to myself that this undoubtedly is the coldest temperature I have ever felt..

The strangeness of this time of extremes is one reason why I find it so hard to write, not only here in my blog but on face book , or letters to my friends and even my journal. I spend a lot of time these days in contemplation... meditating on what seems to be a time of challenge but also happiness and healing. I fear for the future at times and at other times I am elated at possibilities. I pray to hang onto hope, because its hard to do that sometimes.

I have not had work since the 31st . The terrible weather the first days of the New Year slowed down my job hunting, and things are still very slow. I have no money, no prospects for getting any soon and frankly I dont know what to do, other than what I am doing. Making phone calls, using the paper the Internet and networking as I can, to try to find something, something to do where I can earn a living.

The struggle, disappointment and feeling of disconnect, makes it hard to hope. I recently listened to a study on Joesph and his brothers...how long did he languish in slavery, in prison after being falsely accused, before he was raised up to the right hand of Pharoah. A long time, and relief came in an uncertain way, a unexpected way, and forgiveness was necessary, over and over again. This seems to be my way of life. A cycle of uncertainty to the point of desperation, provision, recollection then the cycle repeats itself.I am coming to see that I need to see beyond my circumstances and daily live by the promises of God...

It is hard to see others in the same struggle. I spent hours at unemployment the other day. There is NO blue colar work left here in this area. I saw the face of hopelessness on these faces as the lines streached out so long that it took me three hours to get to the counter and two hours to see someone... I vowed to not give up... to not let my face look like those that I saw in that waiting area

But that is hard. Men give up, some have killed themselves. Suicides have increased here. Its hard to accept. It is harder still to have hope handed to you only to find it not really anything at at... I was steered to an organization that is trying to set up housing solutions for "marginally or nearly homeless" women. I contacted the lady in charge, she asked all sorts of questions, and felt she could help me... would I come to a meeting..and I said I would.

Well I went and listened ...turned out that to these kind but a touch out of touch people, all with great jobs or pensions, feel that to be "marginally or nearly homeless" one had to be a parolee or coming out of re hab, and have one or a number of illegitimate children. In other words you have to make a bunch of bad choices to get help...I was stunned.

When I asked if someone like me could get help from this organization, I drew silence. I had introduced myself and explained my needs, and no one looked at me. I then said that I knew of other organizations that did similar things but there was no one out there helping honest people who are falling through the cracks every day. I found myself thinking that had I givine up a sober life and made the sorts of "bad choices" they were speaking of..would I deserve help?

The meeting went on, and I was even given an assignment, to help find small business opportunites and maketing for the handicrafts they are going to teach these women as a "job skill". For funding for the coffee shop they want to open. I couldnt believe it... They need to learn office skills or better yet a trade like plumbing, electrical, or construction, or all of the above. There are people who would help them, but knitting???

I have come to believe that like my family who needs a "poor relation" to feel sorry for, to talk about, to even rub salt into the wounds of the hurting one...the community needs to have such people around, thats why the focus on those that make poor choices rather than those that just need a little help in life. This seems to be true not just with government and the welfare programs that have proven to be so unfruitful, but Christian groups who seem to continually minister to the poor that stay poor. If there is no encouragement to grow and get better, no incentive to keep trying to improve, no investment in their future, and this doesnt come cheaply... I think its criminal to not give real help, real job training real education to these women, all these folks are going to do is treat them like children and keep them dependent, unable to earn a real living, and continue the cycle of poverty

In the same vein, the way we as a country are ignoring the millions of people that have just given up on life due to unemployment is just shameful... there are places in this land where people out of work now have no hope of getting a job no matter how much they look and look...they have run out of benefits, they have family, churches, friends that dont know what to do, so they give up on them. They stop calling, stop visting, stop helping. Ministries that started a year ago to help the jobless have run out of steam, mired in the overwellming need. When do we invest in these people...these communities...When to we reach out and have a high profile telethon for the rebuilding of these communities... When do we rebuild our own country?

Two people in my life killed themselves in the last 10 days over these issues... My heart is just broken... but I am angry as well...I can understand why they did it.
I have family that has cut me off... friends that will not call me back, and ministries that promised help that cannot help me now... I understand why taking one's life might be attractive...

I dont want a hand out... I want a job. Once I get one. I promise that I will not forget those less fortunate than I, that dont have work. I will do whatever I can to help that person, in this financially coldest day ever... And I will not give up speaking out about it. This is an injustice that will haunt us for generations to come in this country, may God have mercy on them that suffer and wake up those that have the means to get involved....

Labels: Breaking News, Church, faith working

January 10, 2010

Titus 3:4-8 - When God Appeared

An old stable along Ford Creek Rd Benton County AR


But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared,5he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

January 03, 2010

Isaiah 60:1-7~ The Glory of The Lord Has Risen Upon Us

Come and See Christmas Crib at St Steven Church Bentonville AR

1Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
2For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
3And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.

4Lift up your eyes all around, and see;
they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from afar,
and your daughters shall be carried on the hip.
5Then you shall see and be radiant;
your heart shall thrill and exult, [fn1]
because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
6A multitude of camels shall cover you,
the young camels of Midian and Ephah;
all those from Sheba shall come.
They shall bring gold and frankincense,
and shall bring good news, the praises of the Lord.
7All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you;
the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you;
they shall come up with acceptance on my altar,
and I will beautify my beautiful house.

Labels: Church, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

January 01, 2010

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."


Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was


Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Labels: AA, Catholic, Church, Faith, faith working, IN, Louisville, Praise and Worship, Relationships, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working