March 31, 2007

The Fullness Of Spring

Snowdrifts of Dogwood our back garden in the fullness of Spring!

It was a stunningly beautiful day here in the Ozarks. Dogwood trees in full bloom are like brilliant drifting clouds in the forest. Light filters though passing clouds and brilliant new green leaves giving the place a feel of otherworldliness I feel but have a hard time describing... Birds sing, critters like the squirrels and chipmonks are full of themselves as they run about the new grass. A beautiful Kestrel flew into our yard scattering the rodentia, was one of the prettiest birds I have seen come into our garden...

I have spent much of the day on my lounger in our sunroom windows wide and taking in the beautiful scene. I did get out in it to take a few photos and hang a feeder for the furry creatures. Tomorrow is going to be just as nice and after church we will be going door to door handing out fliers inviting people to come to our sunrise service, that will be held at the Metfield Clubhouse next sunday. Im so looking forward to that. I am also looking forward to being out in the sun, walking...

My walks at work have been so nice that I take more and more time from my desk. I realized that I was gone nearly a half an hour yesterday and thought.."Hoku...dearest you are going to get written up..." but my boss may not even notice that I am gone... In fact I am sure that half of the time he doesnt and he trusts me to not abuse the priviledge. There is always something to look at upclose or to ponder. The fields of wild violets pale lavender and white cover every grassy knoll. I know its a weed but its lovely to behold.

Speaking of work...I am still not assigned to a "team" but on the "Talent Pool" and spending time filling in for those that are on vacation, or leaving and we havent gotten a replacement for someone that left the group. I am loving this sort of thing. Doing work that I am familiar with yet is new and a bit challenging. I dont know how long this can continue. In between the vacation fill in assignments I just do housekeeping tasks for my old group, and listen to my Ipod. Bible teaching (I take notes too if I feel lead, and keep a little notebook on my desk for such notes )Its ideal and pray it continues indefinatly.

Woody is not doin very well at the carlot...The truth is that he has never done well at the carlot. I cant understand why he persists at this line of work. I finally had a discussion with him about this lack of productivity. With the hours that he puts in, hes in the red much of the time and so if he finds himelf short he borrows against the margin of his brokerage account. Not wise at this time in his life. A fall in the markets could lower his value and trigger a margin call, effectively stealing a chunk of his retirement savings. It bothers me, first because I feel like he could do something else if he tried and second I feel like he doesnt care about the future. He actually said that he expects me to work full time, support us through his retirement and then when hes dead and Im old...oh well... I think not, so I am opening a IRA and putting the max in and what ever is left after saving and bill paying. We'll have that...

I worry about getting old and being alone and penniless. I mentioned this to my friend Sandy. Sandy was the lady that I roomed with at the retreat a few weeks ago. She too has this same concern. She has visions of all the things that she wants to do but then she figures that she will have a place to sleep and a crust of bread, maybe enough crust to share some with someone but not much else...I cant see even that at this point.

And so I will likely put all other dreams aside and keep working at the Place, putting money aside. This is the time in my life when I need to think about that, while I can still work and earn a fair living. I keep having visions of my mother and the poverty she lived in. I dont want that for myself if I can help it.

There is this, the fullness of the Spring. I am very happy to be here in the midst of it. Glad to be well.Glad to be feeling somewhat ok about life, and glad that God has been so good to me. I need to trust Him and not worry so much and know that just as He provides for this earth, He will provide for me

Labels: Faith, flowers, Scenic Arkansas, Woody, working

March 28, 2007

"Distance" a poem

Fire in the Sky Sunset near Caldwell AR

"Distance"

At a certain distance
I follow You
Ashamed to come closer.
Though You have chosen
me as a worker
In Your vineyard
and I pressed the grapes
of your wrath

To everyone according to his nature:
What is crippled
should not always be healed
I do not know
weither one can be free
for I have toiled against my will...
Taken by the neck
like a boy, who kicks and bites
Till they sit him at a desk
and order him to make letters

I wanted to be
like the others but was given
the bitterness of separation,
Believed I would be
an equal among equals
but woke up a stranger
Looking at manners as if I arrived
from a different time

Guilty of apostasy
from the communal rite
There are so many
that are good and just
those were rightly chosen
And wherever You walk the earth
they accompany You
Perhaps it is true
that I loved You secretly
But without strong hope
to be close to You
as they are...

Czeslaw Milasz
Nobel Luareate 1980
Chair of Salvic Languages
University of Southern California

Labels: Faith, Poem, Scenic Arkansas

March 25, 2007

Psalm 77~ God Comforts Us In Our Time Of Trouble

Storm at Dawn Panama City Beach Florida

Psalm 77

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah

You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion? Selah

Then I said, I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah

When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

March 23, 2007

Too Much Information

Honey Creek State Park Near Grove OK... This is the current pic on my desktop at work

Have you ever "Googled" someone. I know of several people that do this on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. One gal who blogs at Celestial Blue often gets anonymous readers who googled her and got her blog. There are those that Google to find out if they pop up on the Internet. The Broker Gal that sits next to me tells of how they found the lost half of her family tree by googling her mother's maiden name then following a thread to a man who had posted a genealogical project of his and sure enough, there were names she recognized. Her aunt followed up and there was a wonderful cyber space reunion that took place...

Neither myself nor Woody Google well. His actual name is so common that you would never find him in a sea of same ole same ole generic names. Me... I have been exceptionally careful to not to use my actual name online anywhere because it is somewhat unique and added to my last name would clearly identify me. I didnt realize this was a problem until I mentioned the names of friends that moved to the Big Island from a Midwest state and since then every other month I get an email from someone looking for them, and not to say a friendly "Hello". I also learned form this that when we closed the store we needed to also cut our ties to the people that bought from us as we would not be in the position to provide service to the pieces that they bought once we left the business... I think this is why people want to speak to our friends...I never tell these seekers anything other than "Gee they lived off the grid no real address, which was true they used a PO box which mattered not to me as we always just walked to each others little shop in Hilo when we wanted to talk. And I share as little as I can about anyone anymore... Its just too easy to take a little thing and use it to mess up someones life...

I was reading a blog in passing last night and they mentioned this as a meme..."Google your name and tell us about two people who share your name..." So I did. I put my name in and no one came up... I know this so I put in the name of an old boyfriend that has lived or rather I knew that he wanted to live a public sort of life... and that I would likely find his name...

And of course I did. I was not sure until I found and obituary for a child that had died, it listed the grand parents and that confirmed his identity to me. I understand something of what that loss is like and was grieved for him...I saw a lot of tidbits of information that make me happy and sad for him. I always wished him well even though he frightened me with his intensity and...well...stalking really. He couldn't understand that his getting my divorce pushed through didn't clear the way for anything but grieving, and certainly not for advancing his own agenda of being married (to me) before he was thirty.

He had an attitude that somehow his hard gotten college education was a free pass to have the right to make me over in the image he felt I should aspire to. Fast forward nearly 20 years later, and I have had the ultimate in education at "Hard Knock University" and find that while I would never knock book learning I am unsuited for day in and Day out in the class room and do much better in a more practical setting. I hope he feels as good about his life as I feel about mine.

One thing that I have learned about Google and what you can and cannot learn about people is that you shouldnt dig if you dont want to find something. I think its best to leave ghosts at rest and not stir things up in my heart or in cyberspace...

Labels: Blog Recomends, Google, Hawaii, Old Flames

March 19, 2007

A Rose By Any Other Name

???

I am a Petunia What Flower Are You? You are a tried and trusted friend who will be there for your friends when they need you. But you have a tendency to be nervous about doing things that go against the norm.

I did this quiz and this is what came up with. Im not very familiar with these flowers, but Woody says they are sturdy and he thought that I made a good petunia...so romantic... by the way, I got this quiz from the blog "This Garden Is Illegal" by way of "Mind-Muffins" both very nice blogs...

Now when I think of "Petunia" this is what comes to mind



I.E. Princess Petunia of "922 Cats" one of my favorite blogs and a daily read...

When I think of myself and flowers though, this is more what I think I am like


Fluffy slightly sweet and watch out, grab me too hard or without care and you will get a thorn!

Labels: Blog Recomends, Cats, flowers, Quizs

March 18, 2007

Ephesians 1~Our Lord Jesus At God's Right Hand

The Quiet Pool Near War Eagle Arkansas

Ephesians 1


This letter is from Paul, chosen by God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus.
It is written to God's holy people in Ephesus,* who are faithful followers of Christ Jesus.
May grace and peace be yours, sent to you from God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord.


Spiritual Blessings

How we praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we belong to Christ. Long ago, even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave him great pleasure.
So we praise God for the wonderful kindness he has poured out on us because we belong to his dearly loved Son. He is so rich in kindness that he purchased our freedom through the blood of his Son, and our sins are forgiven. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.
God's secret plan has now been revealed to us; it is a plan centered on Christ, designed long ago according to his good pleasure. And this is his plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ-everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because of Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us from the beginning, and all things happen just as he decided long ago. God's purpose was that we who were the first to trust in Christ should praise our glorious God. And now you also have heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God's guarantee that he will give us everything he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. This is just one more reason for us to praise our glorious God.


Paul's Prayer for Spiritual Wisdom

Ever since I first heard of your strong faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for Christians everywhere, I have never stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future he has promised to those he called. I want you to realize what a rich and glorious inheritance he has given to his people.
I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of his power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God's right hand in the heavenly realms. Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else in this world or in the world to come. And God has put all things under the authority of Christ, and he gave him this authority for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is filled by Christ, who fills everything everywhere with his presence.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

March 14, 2007

Doing It for Me

Glorious Sunset Near Rogers Arkansas...

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.
Job 40:3-5



I feel badly that my writing has been so banal for the last few months, but I have been sort of wordless... I find myself sitting and thinking quite a bit, mulling over ideas and issues. There have been some pretty profound things that have happened to me in the past three months. Some are pretty ordinary but have long term effect on my life.

I have been involved with a number of projects since the first of the year, some I didnt feel comfortable discussing on my blog, some I didnt know how to discuss on the blog for want of words. But I am going to be involved for a long time and at times its going to be somewhat engrossing.

I developed a three fold plan. One was clearing my debt, two start working on my physical self and three, continue to explore my spiritual life, and not be content with the way things are presently, in a not very challenging state of blah!! All of this change came in the midst of a soul searching day I spent trying to lay to rest a lot of the stuff that was weighing so heavily on me. I do believe that I thrive in the midst of a project, so I created one for myself.

After Christmas I took financial stock and realized that yes I had quite a bit in the bank, but in the course of a year had gone on the hook for nearly 20,000.00 in debt that I am soley responsible for. Woody has gotten into a habit of getting me to buy things commit to things and spend my future...cause that is what he has done for himself. Everything from buying the van...my old one was fine really to buying timeshare on ebay using my sign on and then wanting me to pay for it. So I put my foot down, have drained my savings and spent hard earned account bonus (nearly 10 percent of my gross pay from last year.. it was a chunk) and committed to no spending for anything other than necessary stuff and that had to be thought out, and the pay off of all of my personal debt. All credit cards, lines of credit, and all but the remodel on the HELOC, and my car loan...and it will be done by Divine Mercy Sunday April 15. The HELOC is also my responsibility but surprise! I will be using household money to pay that off... I am nearly done as feel really freed up

I realized that I was kidding myself about my weight. I found myself putting on more weight and desided that I needed to do something. After Woody had his near miss with the heart attack and I had a really bad report from the sleep Doctor, I knew that denial was no longer an option. After prayer, and preparation, I began Nutrisystems eating program. I am also going to the gym three times a week. I wont be writing about the progress much here but on a blog that I set up for this Its All About The Journey. I am doing ok, miss "real" food and find staying on program rough. But its working I do feel better and there is visible improvement due to the working out. Woody is verbally supportive but I find myself looking at him and wondering what our lives will be like 100 pounds from now. I was a gym rat in my former life and...well...I dont need to elaborate, but I work out and know how this will turn out if I let it and it makes me sad and angry and scared all at the same time...

I realized when I got the email from Little Portionthat this was the opportunity of a lifetime, to sit and learn from a Christian Musician that I have admired much of my life. I signed up for not one but three retreats being conducted by John Michael Talbot and two others one on using your creative gifts for God and another a silent retreat focused on prayer. I went to my first retreat and was dumbstruck at what I learned about myself. I have spent two weeks pondering the wisdom gleaned, and the new friendship that I was blessed with.


The debt is gone and the weight is comming off and both of these things make me feel better, both phsycally and mentally, The retreat showed me that God is about to do a big thing in my life and I need to get ready. Most of all, I have finally come to the pplace where I realized that there has always been a dual path and that Woody and I have never traveled together and only now am I accepting this and really choosing to feel it. We live in ajoining alternate universes and that is so sad. I dont know how long this reality will continue but I am going to be changing and with him or without him I am going forward and doing life for me...

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Prayers, Woody

March 11, 2007

Psalm 85~Lord, You Give What Is Good

Early Spring Pasture...More Mountain Eureka Springs

Psalm 85

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of the Sons of Korah.

Lord, you were favorable to your land;
you restored the fortunes of Jacob.


You forgave the iniquity of your people;
you covered all their sin. Selah


You withdrew all your wrath;
you turned from your hot anger.



Restore us again, O God of our salvation,
and put away your indignation toward us!


Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger to all generations?


Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?


Show us your steadfast love, O Lord,
and grant us your salvation.



Let me hear what God the Lord will speak,
for he will speak peace to his people, to his saints;
but let them not turn back to folly.


Surely his salvation is near to those who fear him,
that glory may dwell in our land.



Steadfast love and faithfulness meet;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.


Faithfulness springs up from the ground,
and righteousness looks down from the sky.


Yes, the Lord will give what is good,
and our land will yield its increase.


Righteousness will go before him
and make his footsteps a way.

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

March 06, 2007

Half Empty

The Verdant Valley...Carroll County Arkansas

Im 45 today... I never thought that I would see it, but here it is...I always wondered what it would feel like to have used up half of the time you have on this earth... and what would I be doing?

I spent the weekend at Little Portion Retreat, a house high up on More Mountain, between Eureka Springs and Berryville Arkansas. I was there with 40 other adults and we were pondering the secrets of Christian Meditation and The Seven Deadly Sins... Its Lent, ya know...and I found myself thinking about my life in terms of... is the glass half full or half empty?

Half Full? Am I full of experiences that hurt and hinder me to the point that I am rushing towards a bitter old age? A lot of the time I thought about this truth that you really need to let go of all of this past stuff...but my "letter goer" is frozen in the lock position. And I dont know how to deal with that.

I want to believe that my glass is half empty. Empty and waiting to be filled with new experiences, new life. I am now entering the quest to be done with the old. I have been working on this for some time, but this is a really deep effort. Starting with my lack of self control. I am trying to put some of the things that I learned at retreat into practice and really work at being a better Christian.

And so my birthday message to me is, "stay with it the best half of life is comming around the corner...get ready...its here!"

Labels: Little Portion, Scenic Arkansas

March 04, 2007

2 John 1-13 Ladies, Let Us Love One Another

The "Blue" Bedroom and sitting area with original furniture and tea service circa 1830. Fort Rosalee Mansion, Natchez Mississippi.


Second John 1-13

The elder to the chosen lady and her children, whom I love in truth; and not only I, but also all who know the truth,
for the sake of the truth which abides in us and will be with us forever:
Grace, mercy {and} peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.
I was very glad to find {some} of your children walking in truth, just as we have received commandment {to do} from the Father.
Now I ask you, lady, not as though {I were} writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another.
And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it.
For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ {as} coming in the flesh. This is the deceiver and the antichrist.
Watch yourselves, that you do not lose what we have accomplished, but that you may receive a full reward.
Anyone who goes too far and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God; the one who abides in the teaching, he has both the Father and the Son.
If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not receive him into {your} house, and do not give him a greeting;
for the one who gives him a greeting participates in his evil deeds.
Though I have many things to write to you, I do not want to {do so} with paper and ink; but I hope to come to you and speak face to face, so that your joy may be made full.
The children of your chosen sister greet you.









Master Suite with period summer Gown. Fort Rosalee Mansion, Nachez MS

Labels: Natchez, scripture

March 01, 2007

The New Time

Sugar Creek, Near Jane Missouri

It feels like spring here in the Ozarks, Its been warm and the trees show signs of budding out but you wouldnt know it today, it looks like its going to snow out the windows near my desk. I am typing this at work, as I will be busy for the next few days and no where near a computer.

I have been at a loss about what to write here and when... Writers block hasnt been an issue for me much, I have always had something to say but the past six months or so its been really hard. I know what part of the trouble is... I have only the past inside of my heart, its been hard to look at the world and find something new in it. Perhaps I have come to the tipping point in life where the past and the pile of memories good and bad begins to outweigh anything in the present... or maybe its my seeming inability to let go of that past and look to the future.

Woody is part of the problem. He seems bent on NOT hearing what I have to say. Lst sunday he was particularly bad, to the point of putting his hands over his ears as I tearfully tried to tell him what was bothering me. He says hes sick of my madness and metephore just to tell him what he should do. How do explain that love is more than the sum of material gifts and longevity? He freely admits to being the least empatheic person on the planet. only to me, he will blubber over a sad story the pastor tells or the broken claw stuck in our cats pad on her paw. (I know it hurts, but pull it out quick, dont sit there and cry... Nani will lick it and keep it clean) then...

But then there is...then... the times he does step up to the plate and stand with me on something... It baffles me and I am not sure even he understands why he feels the way he does...I have been reserching something and plan to write on it sometime, with regards to this issue.

But not today. I have been interviewing inter company for a number of positions that have been comming up and will have a new job soon here at "thisplace". I am looking forward to doing something new. Currently I am doing housekeeping sorts of things. Following up paperwork, data entry and stuff like that for my old account. Anything to keep busy.

As I said earlier I am off for a weekend at the Little Portion Hermatage for a retreat. The subject is Lent, a rather new spiritual opportunity for me, comming from my protestant background. As a Methodist we also have Lent but its really different than the Catholic version. The speaker is the celebrated Christian recording artist John Michael Talbot, who is also the spiritual leader of the Hermatage. On sabatical this year from touring (sort of he has engagements but just not as many) he is leading several retreats and I hope to attend three of them over the course of this year. The Hermatage is about 50 miles away near Eureka Springs. I look forward to telling you about the weekend and to take some great pictures as well. Keep me in prayer as I drive to and from as well as absorb new ideas about Lent and about worship as I sit under the teaching of the great man.

I am waiting in antisipation of a "New Time" in my life... I feel that God is bringing this into my life. Woody wants a change too, I dont know that he prays for this but he is sick of the stress he feels with regards to our situation. It is my hope to see this soon and I am ready for change just as the hill country is ready for spring...

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion