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My Wide Blue Seas

Its All About The Journey



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Name~ Hokule'a Kealoha

Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...

Age~ Old enough to know better

Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09

Hair Color~ natural brown/grey

Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...

Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings

Hating~ Boom Box Cars, Earspray, Abuse of Power,

Reading~
  • Bible


  • Magnificat


  • Link


  • Link


  • Underwired! Louisville's magazine for Women


  • In Store~The Magazine for the American Jeweler



  • Books in Progress...
  • CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH


  • "Link"


  • "Link"





  • Just Finished Reading

  • "Link"


  • Link


  • Link


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  • Jesus, Divine Mercy ~
    Learn About The Divine Mercy
    I Trust In You~

    My Favorite Past Posts~Relive The Journey!~
    2009~
  • Link


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  • Link


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  • 2008~
  • Be Thankful


  • Colateral Damage


  • Make Lemonade


  • Home Is Where The Heart Is


  • The Poor With Us


  • Because Its The Hardest Thing I Can Do


  • We Have All Become Victims


  • Lest I Forget


  • The Most Important Words


  • Family Values


  • Familiar Places


  • May Perpetual Light Shine On Them


  • A City In Motion


  • 2007~
  • The Quiet Storm


  • Fellowship of the Cane


  • Like Dead Unremembered: A 9-11 Tribute


  • The Medicine Machine


  • One Giant Leap


  • In The Steps of St. Francis


  • Too Much Information


  • The Un Choice


  • 2006~
  • The Holly and the Ivy


  • The First 9-11, Dec 7,1941


  • Small Moments of Silence


  • Peaches to Winnipeg


  • Dreaming of Hawaii


  • Memorial Day


  • Scattered Values


  • The White Line is the Lifeline for the Nation


  • Warnings of a New Civil War


  • I Will Be True To The Promise I Have Made


  • The Snowy Bloody Day


  • Cats in the Cradle


  • 2005~
  • The Journey


  • Rebirth of a City


  • For Posterity's Sake


  • The New Civil War


  • Every Mother's Son


  • And There You Stayed, Temporarily Lost at Sea


  • The Lone Rider


  • The Bible Is Not the Fourth Member of the Trinity


  • Rome Wasn't Built With Union Labor


  • Happy Birthday Mom ~revised~


  • A Beautiful Noise


  • Even Now


  • The Wearing of the Red


  • Night Ranger


  • The Joyful Traveler


  • Hoiliili "To Gather Up"


  • Ke Makakilo (My Observations)


  • He Giveth Sleep


  • Save The Children


  • 2004~
  • Lux Aeterna


  • December 2004


  • You're Joking, Right?


  • Ground Zero


  • I Am Not A Failure


  • O,To Grace, How Great A Debtor


  • Lost In Translation


  • One Small Step for Man


  • The Rainbow's End


  • Profanity


  • Taps


  • The Journey


  • Makoa's Song


  • No Aloha For The Weakest


  • The Paradoxical Comandments


  • The Time Is Now


  • 2003~
  • When No Fruit Is On The Vine



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    St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross
    St. Edith Stein~Pray for Us

    Religion Link List~

  • My Secret is Mine


  • Ignatius Insight-Online Magazine


  • Fr John Corapi SOLT


  • Dr. Scott Hahn St Paul Center


  • Fr. Mitch Pacwa~ Ignatius Productions


  • Link


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  • Political Link List~
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  • Arkansas Link List~
  • Little Portion Hermitage


  • John Michael Talbot website


  • John Michael Talbot Myspace page


  • 1st United Methodist Church Bella Vista


  • Northwest Arkansas Guide



  • Mimi's Cafe


  • Metro Woman Business Directory of NW Arkansas


  • River Grille


  • Link


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  • Interactive Links~

    Live WebCam Feed from the Mauna Lani Resort, Kohalla, Big Island of Hawaii


    Click here for Aloha Joe!Live Hawaiian Music 24/7

    St Damein of Molokai'i,Patron Saint of Hawaii, Pray for us

    St. Damien of Molokai'i, Patron of Hawaii and the Outcasts among us, pray for us....

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    Hawaii Links~ ~
  • For more Hawaii links Click Here


  • Volcano Updates (Pele's Mood Meter)Hawaii Volcano Observatory

  • Hawaii Volcanoes National Park

  • Volcano Watch Archives

  • Mauna Kea Observatory

  • Pacific Tsunami Museum

  • Link

  • Link

  • Link


  • Link


  • Technorotica for Blogging~





    Blogarama - The Blog Directory

    Listed on BlogShares


    Christianity Blog Directory


  • Who Links Here...Click here to see who's linking to this site. Powered by WhoLinksToMe.com

  • Globe of Blogs~Blog search engine

  • The Blog Search Engine

  • stock xchng

  • Photobucket

  • BlogSkins

  • Link


  • Wikipedia



  • Nuzio's Place on the Web


  • Commutefaster.com


  • PING ME!


  • MWBS Wordpress Edition


  • Link


  • Technorotica for Jewelers, and the Jewelry Trade~

  • Gemological Institute of America


  • The Drouhard National Jewelers School


  • The Conner School



  • Link


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  • May 31, 2006

    Dreaming of Hawaii


    Palms on the Bayfront Hilo Hawaii

    I am rushing into the shop. It is mid afternoon and the burning sun has turned the morning rains into steam. I am releaving the morning shift person who has been busy all morning and has not had a chance to set the alarm and lock up to go to the next building to use the bathroom. Shes in a hurry to get out of there. I settle my things as goodbyes and "good luck" is said. I am alone.

    It is hot in the store. The open door is the only ventalation and the heat of the afternoon plus the 20 or so spotlights reflecting on the jewelry cases, turn the 16 by 25 foot space into an oven. Often the inside temperature was near 100 degrees. We were told that the historic building could not be converted into an airconditioned one. I found out later that was the lie of cheapskate store owners. It could be done if you wanted to spend the money.

    I quickly did my "quick inventory" the daily count of the store inventory that prevents theft,verifying that my counts matched those of the girl on the previous shift. Then I would pull a flat stool up behind the case closest to the front door and the tropical breeze that blew off the sparkling expanse of the Hilo Bay. A nearly circular deep blue,mirror like on calm days. On blustery days the waves pounded against the breakwater sending a surging pulse that I could feel through the floor. I watched the water and the Palmtrees swaying in the breeze and listened to the pulse of life, the "Mana" of the Bayfront.

    There would be many passers-by. Late afternoon shoppers getting last minute bargans at the Farmers Market a few doors down. Local people comming from work downtown at the County offices and tourists back from their adventures of the day. Surfer guys from the local "hui" that are still dripping wet, packs of schoolgirls, a hooker, a begger who sticks his head in wanting the bathroom key...I say, " No sorry,guy."...No customers, in fact as they pass, they do not even look in and few notice the haolie lady sitting near the doorway, watching Hawaii walk by...

    As the sun sets crowds thin, There are walkers and a jogger, sometimes the runners are carrying a large backpack, Marines in training for Basic training, or triathletes preparing for the Kona triathlon. The homeless guys are staking out turf in the darkened storefronts to spend the night, and the quieting of the street noise allows me to hear the rush of the tradewinds in the fronds of hundreds of coconut palm trees that fringe the bayfront, and the roar of the deep ocean surf as it pounds the break water.

    Every evening, I would watch in anticipation for the departure of the cruise ship. Brilliantly lit, like a float from Disneyland's Main Street Electrical Parade, in my minds ear I can hear "its a small world after all..." as the graceful vessel drifts by then swings sharply up and out of the bay and North over the top of the island on to Maui, or south to view the cascading lava pouring down to the sea from Kilauea volcano.

    The evening breeze blows in strong caressing my face, drying the sweat on forehead.I breath deeply and smell the warm scent of the ocean, plumeria, overripe fruits from the market, mildew and rot, clove cigarettes, and suntan lotion, all combined to give me the smell that is uniquely Hilo, the Hawaiian dream in all of her misunderstood beauty and decay.

    After the cruise ship parade and the darkening of the sky I would turn to my books my studies of gemology or my business plan. I also went thrught the days trash knowing that my boss would throw out catalogs and news letters from jewelry suppliers. That was how I was able to penetrate that closed insular world. As I worked on my plan to open my store that "dumpster diving" gave me connections I would have never gotten other wise.

    I sigh, waiting for the phone call that would come from my boss where I would tell her that for the umpteenth straight day I had not had a sale...and I would think, "Gee, if I cant sell on the Bayfront, what makes me think I can do it at my own store two block up the street?" As she tells me I need to "focus and bring the customers in" in a tone I would not use on my cat, I think " I know I can do it, because the store will be mine, my dream realized, and no one, and nothing will ever make me feel the way I feel right now...beaten down and misunderstood, again. Like I have been on every job I have ever had....

    Never again......


    "Hoku! Hoku! wake up! Boss Man just walked by and I think he saw you asleep at your desk again." My faithful support clerk is nudging me. I cant stay awake...I am so weary I fall asleep in meetings and after long periods of time at my desk. Its a problem for me to get up and walk around too much... Like a galley slave chained to my oar I must toil without a break... I look up and realize that I had been staring at the pictures on my wall of the Big Island...and dreaming of my Hawaii...

    The year was 2002.I was working at the Black Pearl Gallery, a jewelry store on the Hilo Bayfront.It wasnt easy for me at that time, I worked the evening shift 19 hours a week at minimum wage. Any commissions that I earned went against this "draw" and often I would sell something, only to not make more than the draw. It was very unmotivating. I had studied, gained my certification with the Gemological Institute of America, and was certainly more qualified than any other employee.Then why did I get the worst hours and the lowest pay? I was asked to teach the others what I knew which I did not. And I was to find out that rather than give me the recognition I deserved they wanted as much as they could from me then were going to dump me as soon as they felt they had wrung what they could from me... It was a hard place to be. I felt the hostility... And as I finalized the opening of my own jewelry store, Azure Seas ,the evenings spent at BPG grew harder and harder. Once I purchased the inventory I quit, feeling it was unethical to continue working there.

    I remember the feeling of carrying a secret inside of me. In a small town though this was a hard secret to keep in fact I was often stopped in the street and asked about it and venders and trades people would drop into Black Pearl hastily departing if I wasnt alone. I was told by my mentor that Azure Seas Jewelry was the best known yet best kept secret in all of Hilo. That turned out to be true

    What happened at BPG wasnt new. What is going on at thisplace isnt a revelation. My unique self is exploitable but that vunerability also gives me empathy, creative energy and a unique view of the world. It is what I am. Woody asked me if my hurts were just that I am "thin skinned". I asked him to define that. And he could not. "Saying a person is thin skinned is a way to excuse your abuse of that person." I said. I am suffering abuse at thisplace. Weither HR will admit it or not. He agreed that was true.

    Again out of suffering perhaps a great thing will come. It too will not be easy, but It will be my choice. And isnt that the greatest thing. To choose your destiny, and to grab onto it with both hands?



    May 29, 2006

    Memorial Day

    A tattered flag on a flag pole rescued by a fleeing resident and flying proudly over the remains of Waveland MS ground zero of hurricane Katrina. Symbolic of all that unites and divides us in our nation

    Memorial Day emerged out of the grim shadows of the American Civil War. Before the close of the war, women began decorating the graves of soldiers who had died in battle in that conflict.

    The Practice quickly spread and a few years later , May 30, 1868 was designated as "Decoration Day" -A day for placing flowers on the graves of both Union and Confederate soldiers throughout the United States

    In 1882, Decoration DAy became known as Memorial DAy and soldiers who died in other wars were also honored. Over the years, it has become a day when all loved ones who have died in war and peace are remembered. In 1971, the United States Congress declaired Memorial Day to be observed annually on the last Monday of May

    On this Memorial Day, remember those who gave their lives for our country,But also pray for those that continue to serve to keep America free, and especially those who stand in harm's way....



    The newslady read detachehedly from the prepared script...

    Today is Memorial Day when we remember those that gave their lives in the service of the country..... And then began a news peice on the death of Pat Tillman...I am not going to deny that we should care about that brave mans horrible death, or not investigate how he died of wounds caused by friendly fire? But I want to speak on how ill informed we are about this holiday. For this holiday is not about service men and women that died in all of our wars, its good to honor them but we forget its true origins and the grief of a war so painfilled we scarecly speak of it ...

    The Flag of the President of the Confederate States of America. This flag is the true Confederate flag and is illegal to fly in the United States. The "Stars and Bars" Flag we are more familiar with is actually a battle standard and not covered under the treaty that ended the War Between the States. Springfield Plantation, home of Andrew Jackson Springfield MS

    This is about one war.
    The worst of wars...
    The war that tore families aprt
    The war that nearly cost us a nation
    The war that shook our identity
    The war that cost more American lives in one day than all the lives lost in Vietnam combined
    The war that today still sparks a bitter debate in the South, where the scorched earth tactics of the Union forces killed thousands of civilians...fellow Americans
    A war where there was surrender, but never victory
    A war still being fought today...about whose power is greater, the right of the Federal Government or the right of the State government to have the final word on the laws of the land.

    The very things that caused the War Between the States are present in society today. As we deal with some of the harsh realities of life, The state vs. the federal government struggle against each other...

    Do we kill children in the womb?
    Are these children Human?
    Do we have the right to control every aspect of their destiny. (insert Negro where I have used the word "child" you will get it....

    Do we allow another 20 million illegalls in, or do we put soilders on the border with guns to stop this surging tide of humanity...

    Do we as States send more of our civillian forces away to fight a dangerous war in the Middle East, or do we bring them home state by state to keep the peace and help in times of trouble here..

    Do we allow the Muslin Jihadi to rule our land using fear as a restraning tool to keep us in line?

    Do we allow the Feds to abuse power in the name of protecting us from the same jihadi?


    Silent artillery on the Union line. Pea Ridge National Military park and Battlefield Pea Ridge Arkansas

    The color line is still with us, but greater still is the "wallet line" the line between rich and poor, educated and not so much. Low wages and a incresing cost of living make a radical shift in US dealings with its self. As the poorest get poorer, You will see a new revolution rise up demaning a more equitable share in the nations prosperity


    FEMA center in Natchez MS, closed when we visited because funding was not fothcomming to the area...I dont know who or how many people this affected but in in the papers today nearly a year later the money is still not flowing where it needs to go... Something is wrong with this...

    We need to spend this day honoring our fallen dead, but also take stock of the living and those questions that divide us...Black, White, Red, Blue, Christian Athiest,Rich man Poor man. And lets talk about them and seek to find real solutions that work... before we wait too long and pehaps hear the guns of civil war firing over our heads once more.



    May 28, 2006

    Ecclesiastes 12 Remember Your Creator...


    the source of the Wailoa river near Hilo Hawaii

    Ecclesiastes 12

    Remember now your Creator in the days of your youth,
    Before the difficult days come,
    And the years draw near when you say,
    "I have no pleasure in them":
    While the sun and the light,
    The moon and the stars,
    Are not darkened,
    And the clouds do not return after the rain;
    In the day when the keepers of the house tremble,
    And the strong men bow down;
    When the grinders cease because they are few,
    And those that look through the windows grow dim;
    When the doors are shut in the streets,
    And the sound of grinding is low;
    When one rises up at the sound of a bird,
    And all the daughters of music are brought low. Also they are afraid of height,
    And of terrors in the way;
    When the almond tree blossoms,
    The grasshopper is a burden,
    And desire fails.
    For man goes to his eternal home,
    And the mourners go about the streets.


    Remember your Creator before the silver cord is *loosed,
    Or the golden bowl is broken,
    Or the pitcher shattered at the fountain,
    Or the wheel broken at the well.
    Then the dust will return to the earth as it was,
    And the spirit will return to God who gave it.


    "Vanity of vanities," says the Preacher,
    "All is vanity."
    The Whole Duty of Man


    And moreover, because the Preacher was wise, he still taught the people knowledge; yes, he pondered and sought out and set in order many proverbs. The Preacher sought to find acceptable words; and what was written was upright--words of truth. The words of the wise are like goads, and the words of *scholars are like well-driven nails, given by one Shepherd. And further, my son, be admonished by these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is wearisome to the flesh.
    Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:


    Fear God and keep His commandments,
    For this is man's all.
    For God will bring every work into judgment,
    Including every secret thing,
    Whether good or evil.



    May 22, 2006

    Scattered Values


    scattered sky farm near Caldwell AR...


    Lord, teach us to number our days that we might gain a heart of wisdom Pslam 90:12

    "Hoku, you simply must come in and work this week end we have to catch up..."

    "Oh, Bosslady, with all due respect I have worked 69 hours this week already, slept twelve hours and my whole body aches with fatigue. I have come to the end of myself and must stop...

    "Hoku pick Saturday or Sunday preferably both. Im sorry, we all have things to do but this is start up and it wont be forever..."

    I think to myself...Yah, right, I know better than that...If I had kids, she wouldnt push me. Kid people get extra time no questions asked..."Not Sunday"

    " Good, the saturday it is, says boss lady"

    "No, I didnt say that. I cant come this weekend..." I think to myself "Yeah, the last saturday I worked was spent doing a lot of meaningless reports for the account and not touch my own work. "I have worked out my stuff out till June first."

    "You have to resign yourself to working extra, this is start up. Think of the money and the fact that you will certainly be promoted if you stay on..."

    "Im sorry, I m not comming in"

    "Hummp! You will never get anywhere...."


    And so goes the war... A war of values. What most people value is money and having more and more of it. They think of prestige, and more stuff....sometimes its just having enough to make two ends meet.... I have learned a powerful truth, that your wages represent valuable irreplaceable hours of your life and you must not hold your time cheaply. I value my time the way a miser values his gold. The hours of my life spin by and are gone weather I utilize them well or not. I understand that.

    I said I would never go back into the freight business because it is such a demanding taskmaster. I worked and worked, did a good job but was overlooked for raises and promotions. I was not good enough for what ever reason. I was exploitable and abusable. I swore while in Hawaii, having endured this at the hands of the jewelry store I was working at that I would never subject myself to a situation where I would be tool in the hands of others to be used and abused. The pain I have felt this week, being yelled at, told that I do not care, that I am lazy, all happened to me before. I refuse to allow this to go on anymore.

    Remember the dream? My life being packed up. That is how I feel. I don't like it. I don't feel its Gods plan for me. I am missing out on the life that I hoped for... My dreams of being a stay at home wife, or having my own business have been swallowed up by "you must have insurance" and "You must have cash to retire on..." What I must have is peace of mind and self respect. The rest happens on its own....

    So I am fast tracking my idea to start my jewelry repair business again. The scale has changed. I was going to work in the garage, but we really need to have the garage for our cars. We see many cars with hail damage and know that we need to park the vehicles inside. The space is the wrong configuration anyway. So I approached Woody with the idea of building a studio either over the garage or attached to our back bedroom where we have the computers and TV. The idea of having it upstairs above the garage appeals to me for security and set apartness. If I can just have a little patio room, like a four season sunroom built over the garage, with a half bath...(what luxury)that is accessible from the inside of the garage, that would be ideal. Doug Glen, the jeweler in Hawaii that I apprenticed with had a 5 bench shop with casting operation in 10 by 15. I would need less than that, but often with contractors, you have to do what is "in scale", as well as what is permitable.

    Woody agreed that we should start a fact finding and that should start a business plan. He is not opposed to taking out a home equity line of credit to do this and to build the room buy the equipment and provide money for supplies. I have saved nearly 10,000.00 in the year we have been here, between day trading and working. So I will have a large portion of needed capital set aside. I said Id never mortgage the house again, but I am mortgaging my soul if I allow myslef to be a doormat for a few bucks. Its worth the risk.

    In September of 2002 I sat in class at U of H in Hilo on writing business plans, The teacher was to become my dearest friend in Hawaii my mentor and confidant Kathy Hammes. She said something that resonated with me. First, that most small businesses are conceived as a result of employers not caring for their businesses or employees. Two, that owning a small business gathers the scattered values of the owner focusing them into a refining vision that builds up the builder of the business.

    I have felt scattered like Bella Vista Leaves in the winter wind... Now things are comming into focus. I will keep praying...but I am getting into the river again and seeing if it parts before me. If not I will swim. But I will get somewhere. Because where I am standing is not acceptable, my values are too important to me to allow them to be scattered by others to trample on as they plunge to their own ends.



    May 21, 2006

    Ecclesiastes 11 The Value of Diligence


    Evening Tide Panama City Beach Florida

    Ecclesiastes 11


    The Value of Diligence


    Cast your bread upon the waters,
    For you will find it after many days.
    Give a serving to seven, and also to eight,
    For you do not know what evil will be on the earth.


    If the clouds are full of rain,
    They empty themselves upon the earth;
    And if a tree falls to the south or the north,
    In the place where the tree falls, there it shall lie.
    He who observes the wind will not sow,
    And he who regards the clouds will not reap.


    As you do not know what is the way of the *wind,
    Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child,
    So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.
    In the morning sow your seed,
    And in the evening do not withhold your hand;
    For you do not know which will prosper,
    Either this or that,
    Or whether both alike will be good.


    Truly the light is sweet,
    And it is pleasant for the eyes to behold the sun;
    But if a man lives many years
    And rejoices in them all,
    Yet let him remember the days of darkness,
    For they will be many.
    All that is coming is vanity.
    Seek God in Early Life

    Rejoice, O young man, in your youth,
    And let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth;
    Walk in the ways of your heart,
    And in the sight of your eyes;
    But know that for all these
    God will bring you into judgment.
    Therefore remove sorrow from your heart,
    And put away evil from your flesh,
    For childhood and youth are vanity.



    May 20, 2006

    Burning The Midnight Toil


    Glorious Sunrise over Pea Ridge and Eastern Bella Vista (Metfield)

    I want you to know that the title of the post is not a typo. There are nights when I have left at midnight to start over again at seven am The days are a blurr as are the nights. I never sleep fully and then there are the dreams. I was napping this afternoon and had this one...

    I am at home on my phone talking to a dispatcher " yes, Ken, you can have that load out of the Kank to Walmart DC whatever. Your appointments are preset and in the download, please call to confirm them and by all thats holy, be there on time to pick this stuff up. I dont want to get barbequed by my account again on this."

    "Sure thing, Hoku, thanks you are the best"...hangs up

    phone rings, it's Wes at another carrier..."Hey Hoku, whats the deal on this load out of the Kank to WM whatever, that we talked about an hour ago, I need to get this driver moving..."

    I reply slowly..."uh... Im sorry I just tendered that to Ken at so and so, hey I can get you another one, dont worry, I handle 250 loads a day out of there for the account..."

    "No! you promised me that one" Wes says to me with a coldness I have never heard from him before. "you make promises then dont keep them, your customer service error rate is averaging 35 to 40 misses a day...service failures Hoku, The account isnt happy with your inattentiveness to details..."

    "They set the appointments, the computer picks the carriers, I just try to make it all work and I cant seem to do it, no matter how I try. The phones keep ringing and I got 300 emails today some of them were not very nice to me."

    "Thats because you lack focus. Maybe if you paid more attention to your work, and less attention to everything else... Well we have a load to pick up...." And with that two men come into the front door of my house and begin to pack up everything. Furniture books even Mak and Nani. I am horrified but can say nothing. Wes turns to me and says " I hear that you are moving" and walks out leaving me to my empty house... I sit on the floor try to cry and cant... and fall asleep from sheer exaustion....

    I woke in a cold sweat.


    The dream symbols are interesting. But I have had waking nightmares this week. Some that included my sweetnatured boss, who I am comming to love,I saw her do something so out of character that I called personel and reported the incedent. I was afraid that she had lost her mind. I had a dentist appoinment that afternoon and was willing to come back to the office after. I felt that things were under control when I left. When I came back it was as if all hell had broken loose. I reported to my boss, a true Southern Belle of Dixiecrat lineage, married to a no nonsense man 20 years her seinor, a diplomat and mover and shaker in the Clinton regime. Normally butter doesnt melt in her mouth and I have never heard a negative word come from her lips,heard her raise her voice or seen her ruffled until then. She was wild eyed and angry and snapped "Where have you been? I need you to deal with this now. She hands me a few papers. I calmly say "Yes mam'm" She said thank you as she always does, this is the most polite group of freight people I have ever worked with... I go to my desk, put my purse down and trotted to the ladies room. I had just come from two hours in the dentist chair and needed a pause that refreshes... Just as I sat down and a coworker said "See ya" my Boss stormed into the demanding that I get to my desk and deal with this situation now. I know that the whole second floor heard it. I felt like I was five and my parents, pick either one, were screaming at me for some fault that I didnt even understand. Add the dentist, no sleep, and this knowing in my heart that the account that 50 people are counting on that the future of thisplace is riding on is going to hell in a handbasket.... I lost it and screamed at the top of my voice "For God's sake, I have to pee!" I got up finished the business and stormed out of the stall like a tornado on the Texas plains. I looked down at her. I am over 6 feet and 275lbs she is a petite 5'2' 130 maybe... I screamed "Look, I have two hands one mouth and can only deal with these things one at a time. I can tender one load, direct one driver, post one contract and deal with issues in life one at a time. By then I was sobbing and raving and she was horrified. I will never forget that look, that frightened look. She held my shaking fists I think she thought that I was going to hit her. I dont know. I stormed out of the bathroom and to my desk still sobbing and emailed HR and turned myself in.

    I have NEVER in my life raised my voice to a supervisor. I have taken abuse, been publically humiliated, had things thrown at me, cursed, accused of many things including sexual abuse (that was a joke, I should have sued...)even spit on. I was able to endure it for the sake of the Cross... but not now. I have been through too much. Life is too raw on me and I know the power of rage, tasted the bitter fruits of it. I was told by a male co-worker who was in the men's room at the time and heard the whole thing that no one would ever mess with me again. He felt that it was comming, from someone, and that I was the one to go off first, maybe that was good because I am developing a reputation at thisplace for saying the truth as I see it fearlessly and without reservation. Management likes it. I get asked a lot of hard questions and I tell the truth.

    My boss and I patched it up, really. I set the boundry. That is good, I wish that my rage wasnt the means to build the fences. But she treated me with more respect after that. I tried to remember that she was trying very hard as well and that this is a no winner and frankly, a set up. I think that the speedy set up wasnt because they wanted to be rid of the old third party logistics firm that they had before. I think they were being dumped because they are too demanding. At least that is my theory. I dont think that there are enough hours in the day, and enough hands to work because there are so many people to be accountable to. I did a time study for thisplace's implimentation group and tracked my movements in fifteen minute intervols, kept track of all calls and emails and the stats were so shocking that there is a thought that we will have to double the team that we already doubled once jhust to keep up with data volumes at current levels, and we are in the slow season! I am averaging 289 emails a day 60% do not pertain to me or my work but I must sift through them to figure out what is mine ect. same with the calls I avaraged 50 voice mails now my box was full so I dont know for sure and after three weeks of this I watch my caller Id and answer only what calls I want. because two thirds of the calls are for others...My real name starts with "A" I am the first called. The man that is following me around trying to find a better way for me to do my job says he feels I only spend 20 percent of my time doing my real job, and that he thinks I am a hero for doing as much as I do. Sadly he has no answers for me. He says hes learning a lot from me on coping with this overflowing data disaster...

    I went to HR offered to resign, and she had the report from the guy in the mens room as well as other reports and told me that nothing but good stuff is in my file there was nothing negative going to happen and that this is a hugely stressful time for all concerned. They were having my boss in to talk about it and all would be well.

    The final word is that the freight keeps moving. I love talking to these men and woman that keep the wheels of this nation turning. I am told I spend too much time on this but it is my primary funtion and if I should stay at thisplace, I would like to have a try at the carrier relations dept. I know I would do well.

    I am doing International freight for the account, and that with only a few bumps is going very well I think. I understand that they will be moving a few things off my desk and that will help. I am hoping that buring the midnight oil will slow down some. This missing things moved in the dream are my life at home, and my own self even posting on this blog which I have no time to do. Money is great but my life is different I work to live not live to work and there is a huge difference in that. Balance is what sustains us all and when things are so out of balance that is when you have trouble.

    On the home front Woody is pressing me to give it up, but I do want to continue to save, so I will keep trying to stay balanced there at work, and prove that I am not a freight addict and get home at a decent hour, and plan for time off...To entice me to that end he gave me a present. A week of timeshare at The Summit at Panama Beach FL. Here are some pics





    I have week 46 in unit 417 right in the middle of the building...that week roughly coresponds with our anniversary and is out of hurricane season as well as just prior to thanks giving. A good time to go not too crowded. Getting to Hawaii is going to get harder as fuel goes up and up I drive to this place or fly quickly.

    Makoa went back to the vet for his check up and he is responding very well, no longer has an infection and is down in weight 1/2 a pound. He's to stay onb his special diet for now. But seems to be a much happier healthier cat all around

    Im in a hard place, but every morning God shows me how to put this all into perspctive. As I come down the hill towards Town Center I am usually just in time for a glorious sunrise. I have never lived in a place not even Hawaii where the sunrises and sunsets are so amazingly lovely day in and day out. The God that gives me this day will manage it too, I need only to do my best and trust Him for the outcome. This too shall pass, but I am confident that His mercy will see me through.



    May 14, 2006

    Ecclesiastes 10- Thoughts On Leadership

    Maui Skies Kamaole Beach Park Keihe Maui


    Ecclesiastes 10

    Dead flies *putrefy the perfumer's ointment,
    And cause it to give off a foul odor;
    So does a little folly to one respected for wisdom and honor.
    A wise man's heart is at his right hand,
    But a fool's heart at his left.
    Even when a fool walks along the way,
    He lacks wisdom,
    And he shows everyone that he is a fool.
    If the spirit of the ruler rises against you,
    Do not leave your post;
    For conciliation pacifies great offenses.


    There is an evil I have seen under the sun,
    As an error proceeding from the ruler:
    Folly is set in great dignity,
    While the rich sit in a lowly place.
    I have seen servants on horses,
    While princes walk on the ground like servants.


    He who digs a pit will fall into it,
    And whoever breaks through a wall will be bitten by a serpent.
    He who quarries stones may be hurt by them,
    And he who splits wood may be endangered by it.
    If the ax is dull,
    And one does not sharpen the edge,
    Then he must use more strength;
    But wisdom brings success.


    A serpent may bite when it is not charmed;
    The babbler is no different.
    The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious,
    But the lips of a fool shall swallow him up;
    The words of his mouth begin with foolishness,
    And the end of his talk is raving madness.
    A fool also multiplies words.
    No man knows what is to be;
    Who can tell him what will be after him?
    The labor of fools wearies them,
    For they do not even know how to go to the city!


    Woe to you, O land, when your king is a child,
    And your princes feast in the morning!
    Blessed are you, O land, when your king is the son of nobles,
    And your princes feast at the proper time--
    For strength and not for drunkenness!
    Because of laziness the building decays,
    And through idleness of hands the house leaks.
    A feast is made for laughter,
    And wine makes merry;
    But money answers everything.


    20 Do not curse the king, even in your thought;
    Do not curse the rich, even in your bedroom;
    For a bird of the air may carry your voice,
    And a bird in flight may tell the matter.



    May 12, 2006

    How Are We Doing....

    Powderblue Skies Maui...

    Written Sunday May 7

    We are better... But still not out of the woods yet...

    First of all I want to thank all of you for your emails of support. I appreciate it more than you can know. This has been a very tough week for us but I think that we will get through it with God's help.

    I am still pretty sick. My cough is so amazing that is shakes my desk and the whole cuble vibrates. No one says "you shouldnt be here you are contaminating me..." but rather "thanks for being here we know how difficult this is, and you are making a difference..." and that seems to be true, as my background is so very different from the other members of the team. I have been assigned an outstanding assistant to help me and between the two of us we actually got all of our work done for the week... It took about 110 man hours to do this but Im told that as time goes on and more of the system automates we will be needed less to punch buttons, the account will do a lot more of its own work... Between Tina and I we pushed out about 475 loads or nearly 15 percent of the teams output... A lot of work

    Burning the midnight oil is common in a peak time, in this case during the harvest season as our client picks and packs fruits and vegetables. I also manage the shipping needs of a pet food plant in Ontario Canada. That was my main focus this week as we got behind and the doggy food was piling up and not moving out for distribution. A lot of my work focuses on moving ingredients from one plant to another and not getting this work done means prodution lines stop and people are not able to work, something I dont want to have happen if I can avoid it. So its 7am to 8 or 9 pm weekdays and a full day Saturday. They feed us though I am sick of pizza the office staple of choice...

    Mak and Nani were taken to see the best cat vet in the area Weds. Nani had a going over and a manicure. She was praised for being a normal weight and for her uniqueness and sent home with a clean bill of health. Mak however was kept over night to give a urine specimine, because you cant just send a cat to the bathroom with a paper cup...By the next day he hadnt done what we wanted so I left work in time to visit at the the vet and after a bit of petting cuddling and a soothing massage, he felt like he could relax and nature took its course. I left him for another day to have blood work done, as our concern was also that he might be diabetic. The tests confirmed a very serious kidney infection, as well as a sort of kidney stone problem. Both cats are on a special diet (Nani just in case) and Mak is on anti biotics. Woody has become very clever in administering the pills, and our little boy is more like his charming self. The tests also showed a colesterol level so high that if he were human he'd be in the hospital. No more Fancy feast or Friskies dry food. Hell have to be on this special diet the rest of his life, and it wont hurt Nani either.

    Woody is working the same long hours but is seeing few sales. I dont think the dealership is doing that well. Still hes all for sticking it out and isnt looking for anything else. I think that is dumb. But its his life not mine to say one way or another. He has a good attitude, but is not happy about how things are going in my life...

    I know that God is with us and will show us the way we are to go. I have no fear that I am in the wrong place. A hard place for now, but a good place never the less.

    More later.



    May 07, 2006

    Ecclesiastes 9~ Quiet Wisdom Should Be Heard...


    Million Dollar View. Overlook above Laupahoehoe, Big Island

    Ecclesiastes 9

    For I considered all this in my heart, so that I could declare it all: that the righteous and the wise and their works are in the hand of God. People know neither love nor hatred by anything they see before them. All things come alike to all:


    One event happens to the righteous and the wicked;
    To the *good, the clean, and the unclean;
    To him who sacrifices and him who does not sacrifice.
    As is the good, so is the sinner;
    He who takes an oath as he who fears an oath.


    This is an evil in all that is done under the sun: that one thing happens to all. Truly the hearts of the sons of men are full of evil; madness is in their hearts while they live, and after that they go to the dead. But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion.


    For the living know that they will die;
    But the dead know nothing,
    And they have no more reward,
    For the memory of them is forgotten.
    Also their love, their hatred, and their envy have now perished;
    Nevermore will they have a share
    In anything done under the sun.


    Go, eat your bread with joy,
    And drink your wine with a merry heart;
    For God has already accepted your works.
    Let your garments always be white,
    And let your head lack no oil.


    Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun.
    Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.
    I returned and saw under the sun that--


    The race is not to the swift,
    Nor the battle to the strong,
    Nor bread to the wise,
    Nor riches to men of understanding,
    Nor favor to men of skill;
    But time and chance happen to them all.
    For man also does not know his time:
    Like fish taken in a cruel net,
    Like birds caught in a snare,
    So the sons of men are snared in an evil time,
    When it falls suddenly upon them.


    Wisdom Superior to Folly


    This wisdom I have also seen under the sun, and it seemed great to me: There was a little city with few men in it; and a great king came against it, besieged it, and built great *snares around it. Now there was found in it a poor wise man, and he by his wisdom delivered the city. Yet no one remembered that same poor man.
    Then I said:


    "Wisdom is better than strength.
    Nevertheless the poor man's wisdom is despised,
    And his words are not heard.
    Words of the wise, spoken quietly, should be heard
    Rather than the shout of a ruler of fools.
    Wisdom is better than weapons of war;
    But one sinner destroys much good."



    May 01, 2006

    April Blues

    Wild Flowers near Beaver Arkansas

    written april 30 2006

    I have my traditional April disaster going on....

    I thought that I would escape it... after all, I came here a year ago and didnt have a problem with the pollen, or frequent flyers syndrome, (you know the "cold" you always get when you fly, its actually an allergy to the cleaning stuff used on the aircraft. Some of the stuff like the solvents used on seats and carpets is quite nasty for your lungs...")But I am sick today like nobodies business and perhaps a bit thoughtful, as is Woody about the future and what we are doing

    Every year for as long as I can remember, I have been sick in April. If I wasnt sick in bed sick, disaster or mayhem or something was happening to make my life miserable. Often, like in 1988 (april 25, to be exact) all of the above was happening to me when I was recovering from pnuemonia, my then husband, The Engineer, was stomping around, saying it was over...(he failed to launch and didnt leave till that fall by then I was in a WHOLE differnt place, thank you, Jesus!)At the time I thought my life was over, and in a way it was...

    Or April 25th 1992, I had been working double shifts, and was spending a whole lot of time on ministry, perhaps to minimize the on going saga of my father's final days. For twelve weeks my father lay dying in a hospital and then died that day... Two weeks prior, Easter weekend, while suffering from a chest infection, I had begun to break out in a hideous rash, the likes of which no one in my family had ever seen before. twice a day around 8 am and 8 pm it would cycle fading away like it had never been only to come back 12 hours later. It would be July before I was able to get a doctor to diagnos adult onset allegies and give me steroid shots for two weeks....I could have died from it but didnt know that until years later on the same day....

    April 25 1996, Woody and I had been stormily married 6 months, my carreer in transportation had ended after I had failed to recover from a allergic reaction that triggered "the rash" or what we were to learn was the mother of all cases of hives the likes of which the experts that have seen the photos can hardly believe. On that day, I had them so badly that I was taken to the hospital with a failing pulse and blood pressure that was so low that I may have actually died and come back or so the doctor said that attended me. I had thought that my life was over until that day so much had happened in that 6 months...I learned then that I had to maintain a will to survive and that I and what I needed had to come first, even if it didnt always look that way....

    Fast forward to April to this week. I have been ill. Really ill. Woody brough home a chest cold two weeks ago and I thought that it wouldnt be a big deal. After all I am healthier and in a better place...Wrong, I have a really bad cold on top of the horrible pollen, dust, 12-14 hour days at Thisplace, which of course I said I would never do but I got sucked up in the "lets do it for the team...b.s." I collapsed in the house last weds and have pretty much been in bed since.

    I began to itch yesterday but I have yet to see a sign of hiving. I am praying that God will spare me. Woody stayed home from church, and we talked about how I feel that working like this is not what we had in mind and perhaps this is a wakeup call. My home is a mess, really a mess, dirty, no floors swept, or baths cleaned beyond cursory wipes. The kitchen is a disaster, and I have bills piled up. I have not been to the Grapevine mall to see our cases where we still have jewelry andthe remains of the Hawaiian products for sale. The rent is due there... and worse...I am a bad mother....

    Both cats are sick

    Nani is doing ok but she has two ingrown claws on one foot... How she bounces around on this infected foot and doent limp I dont know... But its Makoa we are really worried about. He has been peeing on our bed if we let him in our room, so we havent been letting him in. He usually sleeps with us and thus ruetine is upset. We took his listlessness to depression over this change. But since I have been home I notice hes drinking every bit of water I give him, and not eating like normal. He seems uncoordinated, has trouble grooming and wont jump or chase the feather wand, in fact he cant follow it.He just isnt my happy local boy of a kitty and I feel really badly. The neglect is awful.

    Woody put in 75 hours last week... when does he get a bit of rest?

    This is not why we returned to the mainland, but I am not sure I can give up my job right now... The medical insurance is too important.

    Woody is being asked way too many questions about his health, I think to try to disqualify him for his company insurance. He's on mine and its seems to be ok...As for me and my issues, I was able to get to my three month follow up at the dermatologist, where I had fourteen more cancerous leasions removed from my arms and back. I had another 25 spots frozen for good measure and some more biopsies taken. Its a little scary.

    So I sit and I am putting it all back on the table for God to sort out. Woody is taking a day off, to take the cats to a vet when I can get them in and have someone come out and do the yards (our place looks like an abandoned house our back yard is a foot tall...) I am going to try to go to work tomorrow, but if I cant take it or my co workers cant...(my cough sounds like a tuberculosis victim's)...Im home again. I am looking for a doctor on my plan, but none of the GPs had openings friday. If I have to go to the er and pay so be it... Nyquill isnt touching this cough.

    On the brighter side, at least I am aware of what is happening. And April has brought a beauty to our landscape that has me saying "Ah! this is what I loved about this place!" The ocean of green has returned, the house is swathed in green shade. The birds sing and wildflowers are everywhere. The pollen, this year has been one of the worst years ever for the sticky yellow stuff, has subsided in the wake of this past weeks heavy rains. I will survive my temporary infimity, gratefull that this is not another life changing event, but just a passing seasonal one. I will learn to pace myself and Makkie is likely curable. I must put it into God's hands as I have done so many times before and let it lie there, knowing that he has our best intrests always in the forground of His thoughts...




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