July 27, 2008

Job 38~ The Majesty of God in Nature

Oncoming Summer Storm- Lake Bella Vista Bentonville AR

Job 38

Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:

"Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.
"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Do you know how its dimensions were determined and who did the surveying? What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who defined the boundaries of the sea as it burst from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and thick darkness? For I locked it behind barred gates, limiting its shores. I said, `Thus far and no farther will you come. Here your proud waves must stop!'
"Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east? Have you ever told the daylight to spread to the ends of the earth, to bring an end to the night's wickedness? For the features of the earth take shape as the light approaches, and the dawn is robed in red. The light disturbs the haunts of the wicked, and it stops the arm that is raised in violence.
"Have you explored the springs from which the seas come? Have you walked about and explored their depths? Do you know where the gates of death are located? Have you seen the gates of utter gloom? Do you realize the extent of the earth? Tell me about it if you know!
"Where does the light come from, and where does the darkness go? Can you take it to its home? Do you know how to get there? But of course you know all this! For you were born before it was all created, and you are so very experienced!
"Have you visited the treasuries of the snow? Have you seen where the hail is made and stored? I have reserved it for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war. Where is the path to the origin of light? Where is the home of the east wind?
"Who created a channel for the torrents of rain? Who laid out the path for the lightning? Who makes the rain fall on barren land, in a desert where no one lives? Who sends the rain that satisfies the parched ground and makes the tender grass spring up?
"Does the rain have a father? Where does dew come from? Who is the mother of the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens? For the water turns to ice as hard as rock, and the surface of the water freezes.
"Can you hold back the movements of the stars? Are you able to restrain the Pleiades or Orion? Can you ensure the proper sequence of the seasons or guide the constellation of the Bear with her cubs across the heavens? Do you know the laws of the universe and how God rules the earth?
"Can you shout to the clouds and make it rain? Can you make lightning appear and cause it to strike as you direct it? Who gives intuition and instinct? Who is wise enough to count all the clouds? Who can tilt the water jars of heaven, turning the dry dust to clumps of mud?
"Can you stalk prey for a lioness and satisfy the young lions' appetites as they lie in their dens or crouch in the thicket? Who provides food for the ravens when their young cry out to God as they wander about in hunger?

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

July 21, 2008

"Because It Is The Hardest Thing I Can Do"

Earthrise as seen from the Command Module of Apollo 11. The Lunar module carrying Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin is in the foreground NASA photo

My father told me once that astronaut Scott Carpenter was asked why he gave up a promising Navy career to join the Mercury 7. Then, after his stunning success flying Aurora 7 into orbit, he didnt stay with NASA, but went on to get involved with the SEALAB project and so on. His accidental injury that grounded him from space flight notwithstanding, Carpenter was said to have said "Because its the hardest thing I can do..."

I find myself totally relating to that mindset as I plunge through life's journey. I have not been one to settle for the easy road, and it has not always been met with success, however, there are few things in my life that I regret even though the outcome is currently unpleasant. I know that its not the bumps in the road but the road itself that is worthwhile


A Family photo left on the lunar surface by Astronaut Charles Duke Apollo 16 NASA photo

It has been my custom to write about my family and our struggle every year on the week of July 20Th. The Mercury-Gemini-Apollo missions are under rated and not discussed much, when every, and I do mean every facet of our lives has been changed by the incredible achievements of all who were involved in that great undertaking. I feel as do many of those families who had loved ones involved in the Space Program of the 60's and 70's that it was a military venture and that the sacrifices made were as honorable as any that were made by those in a shooting war. Both the post One Small Step For A Manand the post about my families pioneering spirit in this post One Giant Leap.

This year, as I have watched the documentaries When We Left Earthand Tom Hanks' masterpiece From Earth to the MoonI marveled anew at the determination of these people and how much I had personally given in losing my father to this war, even though he survived it and was a part of our lives for another 20 years. As I look at this photo of Charley Duke's family left for other explorers to find some day, I think that was our family, wrapped in plastic, left forever on the cold lunar surface forever frozen in time.

This seems to be a time for me to deal with the "first things" or "first works" as Jesus tells the church of Ephesus in Revelation 2:4-5

Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place--unless you repent.

I have had, in recent days, been confronted with a personality that closely resembles my father, really the best things about him and in him. But like my father, he isnt one to suffer fools gladly and seems to never be satisfied with my poor offerings and efforts. Like the child I was so many years ago I have felt the joy of life being slowly and painfully crushed out of me in these last weeks. Do the first works??? Forgiveness,gentleness and kindness in the face of harshness and worse being just ignored as though I am invisible. I know that forgiving my parents and extended family for this sort of treatment is something I must put into practice as well. And it isnt natural or easy, it takes as much determination as anything. However it is a thing worth doing and pays a high reward in the end...and I choose to do it... after all it is the hardest thing I can do...

Earthrise taken from the Command Module of Apollo 17 NASA

Photo Credits Boston.com "The Big Picture"

Labels: Faith, Family History, History, scripture

July 20, 2008

Psalm 19 :1-6 The Heavens Declare the Glory of God

The earth at dawn taken by Apollo 11 Astronauts photo courtesy of NASA archives


The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
Their measuring line goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.

Todays post commemorates the 39th anniversary of the Apollo 11 Lunar Landing

Labels: Family History, scripture

July 19, 2008

The Summer Haze

Quiet reflection. A silvery haze hangs over the Greens at Indian Springs, the pond behind the 11th green, Indian Springs township Louisville KY

Remember that no matter how far you go, how much work you do here in therapy, you will perhaps be light years away from the place you were in, yet standing just around the corner from the person that you were. God calls us back to the first things all of the time, its up to us to see them for what they are and go to Him for the grace we will need time and time again...

Janice Alarcon to the author 1988

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
(mercy I find rest)
Cause You know just how far
the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far,
the East is from the West,
Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far,
the East is from the West,
Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other

Mark Hall, Bernie Herms
from the album:
Casting Crowns:"The Altar and the Door"
due to be released August 28,2008

Im lingering in a haze not unlike the one that is hanging over the Ohio Valley right now choking us all with the foul air as bad as any in LA. Its been in the 90's for days and with little rain for the last 10 days, there is nothing to clear out this inversion of air pollution. The heat index has hovered at 105, very dangerous to be out in this. Annabelle and I go out and walk in early morning, and I cant take her out even for a few minutes in the evening she starts to have athsmatic like coughs and frankly its pretty nasty anyway to be out

Thunderstorms would be welcome to clear out the foul air. In my life I wonder what will clear out the haze in my heart. I feel at odds with life and wonder what I need to do next.

I went in monday and told Charlie that I was going to leave. He said that due to the unforseen situations that I had faced and that I still wasnt really ready to take the JA test as planned I was welcome to stay as long as I liked free of charge to prepare for the exam. While his offer was gracious and I accepted I felt like I was... well...sort of pulled back into the vortex and I dont feel very good about it. I want to make my own choices and not be manipulated...

Truth is I want Charles approval. I feel like a fool when I take him my work that I know is not even up to standard, but I also want to do as he asks. Seeing more demos on the basics wont be helpful. I just need to do it over and over again.

Its that need for approval that bugs me. I thought that I was through with that, but I guess I am not...I am back where I started from when I was first in recovery. Twenty years hasnt made too much of a difference or has it. Only God knows

7-20-2008 10pm

Thunderstorms are ripping through Kentuckiana as I type this. Hopfully this will cool things down some. Its been reported that there have been deaths among the elderly here from the heat. I notice that a lot of my neighbors have their windows open and use fans rather than the A/C. Truth is that there are a lot of folks having hard times and cant afford the power bill. I am lucky as my apartment rent is all inclusive and I dont have to worry about it.

Woody called tonght and I am worried. Worried again that he says he has done nothing all week but read sleep and eat and watch golf on tv. I dont know what to say. I have asked for mail for a month now and have a list of things that I have asked him to do for me that have gone undone. His depression is very bad, I understand this perhaps better than most having watched my mother struggle to care for my dad for 30 years. My father spent what should have been the best years of his life in a drug and alcohol induced haze sitting on the sofa in our living room. Oh he did the dishes and kept the house vacumed and did a lot of little chores that Woody should and doesnt do...but insted of using his fine mind he let his time go to waste and I think Woody is headed in the same direction. In some ways he may be in worse shape because my father had us to think about, to talk to and to love and Woody doesnt have anything other than the cats and perhaps me... I am not sure how he feels about me really.

I dont want to "take care of" Woody. Work my butt off come home and start over doing all of the house work making all of the decisions... Its just wrong and its very bad for both of us. Woody has to decide to look after himself, to make a plan and follow through. If he cant do this that means he needs a more intensive treatment program and he will need to pursue that. If he chooses to not do that. I will have to make a decision that will be painful for both of us, because living in a relationship that is more co-dependent than the one we have now is not acceptable to me. I have a life too and I dont want to squander it sitting on a couch in a depressed haze waiting for change that will never come. It will be hard but I can do it and I feel more and more that this change is coming and will come.

Perhaps if I were to leave I could learn to forgive again. I love the words to the song I posted, because I want to embrace that forgiveness again but cant seem to anymore in the face of the constant rejection and rage that floods over me constantly in his presence. Its not fair to him or to me, and I know that I need the time to heal from the awful damage and try to reframe the relationship in such a way that is pleasing to God and therefore workable. If I can only see through the haze of past pain and move through it, it could be done. Please God may it be so...

Labels: Conner School, Family History, Health, Marriage, Praise and Worship, weather, Woody

July 13, 2008

1 Peter 1:13- 25~ Our Living Hope

Spring Field Flowers near Pineville MO

1 Peter 1:13-25

We Are Called to Be Holy

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance,but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct,since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile,knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold,but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for your sake,who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart,since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God;for

“All flesh is like grass
and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
and the flower falls,
but the word of the Lord remains forever.”

And this word is the good news that was preached to you

Labels: Missouri, scripture

July 12, 2008

"We Have All Become Victims..."

My Instructor Charles Conner and his part time assistant goldsmith Gary Lee. They are attempting to repair a silver plated antique teapot...it was not a success

"I think we are done here", Maureen sighed, as we sat in the Subway at the Holiday Inn where Woody and I had planned this adventure nearly one year ago. "I am so done with the whole thing... I am going home. He can email me when the JA test comes in."

I look at her, worn out and somewhat dejected. I can see my reflection in the glass window. My bitterness over the lack of enthusiasm of our instructor, and my seeming mistake in trusting him at his word that he would do everything possible to help me in my quest to become a jeweler had taken its toll... I had nightmares all the night before and look like a hag.I asked her "What then after the test? What do you want to do?"

Not looking directly at me sort of out the window as she ate she replied, "I dont think I know enough to open my own shop...Work for someone else?"

I smiled to myself. This young lady is very talented and has a lot of savvy. She doesnt realizes how much she knows sometimes. I said " You know there are only a few things you need to know about running a jewelery business beyond the obvious like get a good accounting/POS softwear package like Gellers follow his advice and you will be fine. You are a great jeweler and will only get better with time...But there are three things that you have to know that they DONT do at Conner's and the sad results have left us all victims...

One; be brutally painfully honest to the point of personal hurt with yourself and your vendors and customers. Your reputation is the most important thing you posses and it can be lost in a second. Two; Discretion. You must not casually disclose your profession to anyone. As a single woman living alone this is ten times more important. Protect your address, put the store address on your drivers license and get a PO box. No jewelery stuff should ever be sent to your home. Watch your back, use a alarm system etc. Three; choose your friends wisely.We have seen the bitter fruit of the son of our instructor having a posse of bad boy friends and look at what one of them has done...Ruined everything for all of us..."

Maureen looked up at me..." yeah, we have all become victims of the bad choices of a few...."

We both cleaned out our benches not long after we got back from our lunch... Charlie didnt notice, he was back in his office on the phones, the Internet, whatever. I still have a few days owed to me but frankly I cant see staying there once Mo leaves and goes back to her folks and starts looking for a job up in the Chicago area. I feel so depressed when I am there. I have lost the desire to fight against the forces of darkness and despair that seem to have the upper hand in that place.

Last Monday the ball was put into motion for this sad end when the local paper finally ran an article on the break in at Charlie's house This caused a flurry of interest with the local media with all three of the networks sending news crews out to the school to interview us and to make a point of beating up law enforcement and show the ineptitude of the county prosecutors office who all know who the creep was that did this...sadly its looking like a inside job and the guy is the friend of a friend of Charlies son, Bryan. He knew that the family was going out of town and was going to make a quick hit on the house but found Katie there and heaven only knows what happened as the girl is not saying much to police...

Maureen and I bailed out before the first reporters got there. I (and Mo too) had NO desire to be on TV to even be known to be connected to this and frankly felt that it was the height of stupidity that this was being publicized to this level. They filmed the house, the street number, the school, gave out information regarding how the security had been lacking... and every bodies names are out there in plain sight for the local tweekers and gang bangers to come on over for a handout on the swag. I certainly have no desire to be followed home from the school some evening and be a crime victim. Mo has keys to the school which she surrendered this week thank God because she is living in not the best part of town and has never been in a situation like this.

My new contacts locally swearer that the word on the street is that this friend of Bryans is the thug that beat Katie up and this was brought on by the total lack of security and professional demeanor required of a jeweler. As I told Mo, people on our street in Hawaii had no idea who we were or what we did and we found out later that they thought that we were law enforcement (Woody wore a uniform with a badge for his security job, and I guess I fit the profile of a lady Cop...go figure and thank you Jesus for the perfect disguise.) We were left alone, and really that was God's protecting us as we were alone so much...


The news has even reached the blogosphere and you can read their coverage here at
911 Wackos: 911 robbery call ignored for half hour


Gary and Charlie trying to weld a handle back on a silverplated teapot

Sadly the true victim, Katie hasnt been given the space or time needed to deal with the situation. We know that a lot of times people think you should just "get over it" and this seems to be the way the family is looking at things. Katie was in a public venue when she saw the story broadcast on Tv and freaked out. She went home confronted her step father who felt that he had the right to tell about how he had been wronged and to get his stuff back. Its all about him... She and he had this huge fight and he kicked her out of the house...blame the victim...great. He and the girls mother had a fight then and he went to their house in the country and spent a day brooding leaving his responsibility and the school to whatever....

The whole situation is so emotionally charged and negative emotions are so high that a very sensitively wired person like myself picks up this like Doppler radar can see hidden moisture in the air. I have spent a large part of my life reading the unspoken communication of individuals in order to survive and I find that this situation is about to explode. This family and those of us involved in the school and business are all caught up in this drama that will have no good end. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid because I am sitting in harms way everyday at the school, I am not getting the care or consideration that as a student I should have gotten and now cant get because the personal drama is not left at home but comes into work everyday.

...I saw the guy that robbed Charlie when he came in to sell he gold that day in May. I could pick him out of a line up and that makes me afraid. He saw me sitting there...

My apartment is secure I have an alarm system which I use faithfully when I go in and come out. I tell few people what I do and keep to myself. I watch my back and am inside long before dark...But...

I wake up when I hear noises in the night. I realized that my own snoring and upset account for a lot of this... The nightmares that tormented me most of my young life have returned after YEARS of absence. There was a time when my dream life was so negative that sleep was a torment. If this persists I will seek professional help, no matter what.

I pray a lot and know that time is a healer like nothing else. I will continue to read about my chosen profession and learn more that way. I have my time with Jerry yet to look forward to... I am not cutting my time short here and will be aggressively looking for work as well. If I get something that will subsidize my expenses here I will stay as long as I can. The economy being in the shape that it is in may mean a postponement of my opening my business would be wise. Woody has not said that he desires my return, and I have tried to not think too much about that. If he wanted me home I would consider it absolutely, but I think God is doing something right now in his life that is good and I dont want to get in the way of that.

I chose many years ago to stop being a victim. I know that there are those that still think that I am with regards to my relationship with Woody and all of that. But I lived in fear of the return of my rapist and later the stalker boyfriend that was beyond scary in his persistent pursuit of me... I have lived under the radar for years because my life with the Engineer was filled with people that were best left behind. I dont want to go this way again. The things one fears rarely happen. Once you realize that you see that life gets good again... the door opens and you arent a victim anymore...

Mo and shop cat Eeyore, named ofter the Winnie the Pooh character for his formerly shy depressed personality... he is in love with Mo and will be going home with her to Chicago once she is finished with school

Labels: Breaking News, Conner School, Current Events, Louisville, Woody

July 06, 2008

Psalm 46~ The River of Gladness

Peaceful Southern Summertime Stream. The Ashley River...Magnolia Plantationon the Ashley near Charleston SC


God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Labels: scripture, Traveling

July 05, 2008

Happy Birthday, Woody

California boy Woody at the Seal Beach Pier California

It is a strange thing
this distance between
our parallel lives
perhaps we live more
honestly now
then we ever have before

Every night,
a phone call
a slender thread that
connects us for a moment
How long do we remain
in each other's thoughts?

Our journeys continue
New paths discovered
my heart hopes for
New tomorrows
on this your birthday

Happy Birthday Woody, God Bless you as you press forward on your journey








Woody taken at Shaker Village at Plesant Hill, KY

Labels: Kentucky, Woody

July 04, 2008

Let Freedom Ring- An Independence Day Poem

The Inner Battery at Fort Sumpter, site of the first shots fired in the War Between the States Charleston South Carolina

Today we make our own again,
The hope which Christ, our life, has sown
In fertile fields and streets of stone
Let freedom ring!

Where Justice works amid the weed
Of rampant want and choking greed
To loose the voice of human need
Let freedom ring!

Where Mercy's fingers, slashed and torn
Untange love fromtwisted thorn
Of anger disbelief and scorn
Let freedom ring!

Where heart's imprisoned toil and weep,
Our founders' dreams still trouble sleep
With harvests we have yet to reap
Let freedom ring!

In Christ, we tend what God has planned,
With justice mercy truth in hand
Till joy sings out throughout the land
Let freedom ring!

Sr. Geneveive Glen OSB


An original cannon used in the Civil War in its emplacement, Fort Sumpter South Carolina

Labels: Poem, Traveling