February 28, 2009

A New Thing

Snowy Dawn over Hawk's Nest Ravine. Bella Vista

"But forget all that-it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert!
Isa 43:18-19

A week ago this was the reading for Mass, I pondered it when I went on the way to church, then that afternoon... I came home in the late evening to find my Bella so ill, not knowing that the "new thing" was going to be living alone, really alone. My heart is just numb and cold, like the world outside my window cold and frozen with the blowing snow.

My time away from home was a good thing, I was removed from the scene of my heartache for a time. I could cry and grieve and not have to deal with the aftermath. Woody did a good job putting Bella's things away in the garage. He is devestated about this and found the need to go to the church for comfort the day I left which I think is a great thing. He cried from his heart and that grief was a very healthy thing.

I have spent the day before the TV, watching EWTN, there have been some very uplifting shows on and I have found some comfort in the shows on the Lenten season, the prayers and meditations . The wind is gusting and blowing the snow off of my roof and adding clouds of white to the feather like swirling snow drifting down. I have candles burning, and the whole scene is warm and comforting, in the face of what feels like God's abandonment of me. I know what the Psalmist must have been feeling like when he wrote the 88th Psalm I am suffering a true dark night of the soul, that I must stay on top of or drown...

The news is so abysmal... How many of you have stopped watching all of this trash on TV? The media is scaring people. I was in the home of well meaning folks this week, but they have pastors telling them tales of underground prisions that will house Believers that Obama is going to have rounded up.... For Pete's sake! Sadly there are a lot of Christians screaming "End of the world" nonesense. I grew up in a Dispensational Eschatology... The rapture, literal 7 year tribulation, literal 1000 year reign of Christ ect. Even with that this situation isnt as bad as 1930 with the depression, Hitler and Stalin.... which surely must have frightened our parents and grandparents, yes Jesus could return tomorrow but we live in today. We must live in today and leave tomorrow to itself...

I heard a great devotion on this subject from Father Leo Clifford (The exact one was not available on this link but there are some good ones here enjoy a bit of wisdom) Fr. Clifford commented on how good it was that everyday is a new day...that we reherse death by sleeping and we rise again to enjoy a new day...that we can only truly live today. Imagine if we were flown up in a helecopter and could see our whole lives at once, how discouraging that would be. The Carpenter would see the 5,000 houses he would have to build, or the Doctor, witha crowd of people to treat the size of Madison Square Garden, or the mother, with a life times worth of dirty dishes to clean, runny noses to wipe, and diapers to change! Is it not wonderful that God only gives us enough for today. The Children of Israel only got to gather enough of the Manna the heavenly food God provided for them for the day. It rotted if they overgathered. My life rots if I try to get ahead of God.

So, I cry a bit and smile a bit and I am waiting for the new thing. I dearly hope it is a job. It may be a new furry friend. I have answered several ads on Craigslist for pets that need homes, we shall see how things go

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Personal Growth

February 26, 2009

In The Company of Strangers

My suitcase at the door of the Larkin residence... Pelham Alabama

Post begun in Birmingham Alabama 2-25-09

It’s late and everyone has gone to their appointed beds. I am in this palatial home in the Pelham District of Birmingham, and under the care of the lovely Luedean Larkin, a local real estate broker. She handled the relocation of my new friends, Ray and Linda to Northwest Arkansas home, when Ray was hired by Wal-Mart. Dispite the latest round of layoffs that relocation seems to have been a very positive one.Fortunately the guy has managed to miss the lay off bullet. No doubt our prayers helped.

I was thinking about making this trip before the passing of Annabelle. She was not ill, but I wasn’t sure where I was going to leave her , that question became moot that morning. I called Linda, who waited till I had gotten the chance to make arrangements for the disposal of the remains, and I had a very important job interview that morning,which I had to go to. Woody was coming over to stay with Bella and chose to drive me to Dr Rose's office, where our cats are cared for. She has service for either cremation or burial or outright disposal...Bella is being cremated and her ashes are going into a tiny box. I have her beautiful Pom Pom for remembrance. Dr Rose is Dr Eric's partner. He was in Little Rock where he had driven in the wee hours of the morning to attend a conference. Did this affect Bella's care. I wondered till I spoke to her breeder who confirms she must have had a Corona (Parvo) type virus which is nearly always fatal and if its not can leave a dog disabled and/or debilitated. I am glad she is not reduced to the status of invalid but is free in whatever doggy heaven God provides to them. She deserves to run free, clean and perfectly groomed under the trees in the grass like she did in Louisville when we lived there jumping into angelic golf carts looking for love and treats. She is smiling down at me and wants me to go on. These ladies I have been surrounded with have loved on me with words of comfort like this, my pastor has contacted me... my cousin and a number of friends have been wonderful.

Woody went in and cleaned up the bloody bathroom, took out her crate, clothes,blankies, toys, beds, threw away her chews and dumped bowls and such, I will run everything that can be kept through an sanitizing wash. I will have the carpets cleaned and such. He said the smell of death (like a meat market after Katrina)permeated the house and now it is aired out. I am grateful to him for doing that. He said the worst moment was going to the trash and seeing the waste and all of the pads that were soiled, "how did she live even as long as she did?" he wondered. I know she was brave to the end, and fought like a trooper.

The job interview went very well and I have a lot of hope that I will get that job. I had really sold myself to the HR lady and she seemed pleased at me, I was interviewed by a VP and three team leaders. Maybe I will get this one. I will have a long drive, nearly 40 miles one way, but I dont care, life must go on and the going takes employment. The people seemed very nice.

Linda and I left for Birmingham about noon its 600 miles... from there to here...I missed the tiny furry traveler that had made the last journeys of this magnitude with me. Linda is a saint, she let me cry on and off, and we shared stories and dreams. She is a survive like myself. Has been through a lot of stuff, she has... She comes from a similar place, and understood the difficult place I find myself in. She says that she doesn't understand how I am still standing up. I don't know either, only God knows

Our journey ended in Leudean's home, where she had food for me and a bed. The next day was a day of work. Linda and Leudean spent the morning going over the contract for the sale of Linda's house. In the afternoon Linda and I went and inspected the house to make sure it was ready for the new owners and then we had an appointment for the closing at Leudeans office.

With some time to kill we had ice cream at Greenwood Drugstore's soda fountain and lunch counter. This was a blast from the past and the ice cream was great too.

Then it was off to the closing. I sat at the far end of the table, and read the days devotions and wrote a long entry in my hand written journal regarding Annabelle's passing. I needed to get it all out and everyday I feel better and better about things. The closing was very sucessful, these people are buying the house and Linda and her husband are financing it, so like my own situation its a win win if you can make the payments.

The next two nights were to be spent at the daughter and son in law of Linda's but because Linda's business was an all day event, it was mutually agreed that we would stay with Leudean another night. After hearing about all of the difficulties Linda has had with her daughter and Grandchildren, I was glad to not have the confrontation. I sank gratefully into that wonderful bed, grateful to God and Leudean for the gift of hospitality. And fell soundly to sleep, amidst the antiques and charcoal portraits of her family.

We journeyed after a leisurely getting up and preparing for the day. Linda has shared with me that her relationship with her daughter has been strained in the past and the conversations she was having on the phone gave me the impression that this was still the case. We got to the daughters home and the kids were fine and things seemed to be going really well... we had a bit of lunch and visited.

But frankly the kids were growing more and more "comfortable" with me, and the situation was deteriorating. I went for a walk and the 5 year old girl "had" to go with me. I didnt mind, but wondered at the wisdom of a mother allowing her daughter to walk all over the neighborhood with a stranger? The little girl was chatty and a bit bossy. Frankly it was wearing. The little boy was a toddler, typical but he threw his bottle at me several times and hit their little dog while he was sitting in my lap and just showed behavior that was demonstrative of a child jealous of attention and wanting his own way.

About 4 pm I lost it. The 15 year old had come home from school and was stimulating the younger kids. Linda was sitting on the couch with me, the kids were pressing around and the 15 year old was acting like one of the little ones, When he made a move to jump on me I had enough. I abruptly got up and left the house and stood outside. I "monsooned" cried my eyes out which I needed to do. I stopped crying and tried to go in. They had locked the door so I couldnt go back inside. The little girl was mad that I didnt giver her money for the ice cream truck. Linda came out and calmed me down and I tried to pull myself together.

I went back inside and sat in the living room with the kids. The kids were watching this hideois cartoon. I had Moe the doggie in my lap and that as OK. His little squeals of pleasure hurt but I stroked him. I over heard Linda and her daughter argueing and it was bout me and the sleeping arrangements. Seems the woman thought that yesterdays efforts were something I controled, not my friend, and that some how I had kept her mother away from visiting her...Sick at heart I got my purse and was headed outside when Linda came down the stairs. I told her it was OK and I would go someplace for the night. Linda graciously took me to a motel and I have a nice little suite for the evening quiet and calm. I am sorry that I couldnt handle it. Like Linda said, "my plate runneth over..." and the timing was bad

We go home in the morning, even with this difficulty today I am so glad to have come here. I have gotten to know Linda better. I have been in a strange situation, that will help me the next time I travel in the company of strangers. I will do better accepting hospitality, and being a gracious guest, which is something I long to do in this age of living room couch sleepovers, and couch surfing travelers...


the inviting entryway

Labels: Annabelle, Friends, Traveling

February 25, 2009

Poem~ Lenten Penance...a lament

The Baby Girl the day we first met


Lenten Penance 2009
Or
A Lament for Annabelle


I woke with a start
My Heart
My Beautiful Grace
In a strange place
Looking to bring you out of your bed
Into the day…

But here it is, Ash Wednesday
And you left this world but yesterday
In the midst of Mardi Gras

Today, I am traveling
In the company of strangers
Doing business that is not my own
Dreaming of you,
While sleeping in a kind stranger’s bed

I listen for you still
Even in this unfamiliar place
Longing to hear your tiny calling for me
Never pushing or willful
A still small voice of yearning and love for me
In the quiet hours

My tears are for your suffering
And for the losses of my lifetime
Even as I gave you up to God
My heart said…

“No, No! Not fair!, My loss is already so great
In this season of my life!”

But as hands…Strong and gentle
Tending you in a futile effort
Greater Hands than mine
Were lifting you to a Better Place

You looked at us with trust and love
As your life ebbed slowly away
You kissed each of us goodbye
And spent
Your last breath
In the safety of the bed
You always loved

I shall never forget you
Firstborn of this new heart of mine
My fast this Lent
Shall be of your presence

I need no greater penance than this

Labels: Annabelle, Current Events, Traveling

February 24, 2009

Death In The Family

my Annabelle

giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Ephesians 5:20

my beautifull little girl went to God this morning sometime between 1 and 5 am She went to sleep peacefully after Woody came to see her last night when we got back from the vet... We were full of hope. I believe She had something like Parvo...even though she was fully vaccinated. She lost so much blood, she was in shock and while we managed to warm her up she didnt stay warm. My heart knew when we were going to the vet that she wasnt going to make it and there was some reason God knew for that.

I realized that, as I drove into the night with her, that much of my decision making has been based on her needs as well it should be, she was my responsibility. When I thought about this and losing her and all that this means. I was mad at God for a moment, and then I said outloud..,. God if you want her, you may have her. I dont want anything between You and I. Never give something you dont mean to give to God...He will do what is best for you even if it seems just too awful.

Not wanting to sound all holy, but my first thought as I sat down with her stiffening body in my arms want how very thankful I am that I had her even for this short while. God gave me a precious gift. She thaught me what love is, unconditional love. And I rejoice in her life . She made so many people happy. She was my good friend and while I dont know how I will go on from here, without her to love... but I will go on.

Someday there will be another puppy another time of love and discovery. God knows the reason for this loss. Maybe I will see it someday but for now my heart is just broken...

I will post again in a week or two

even now her one eye is open like that... God bless you, baby on your new journey

Labels: Annabelle, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

February 23, 2009

The Long Winter

Snowy Pear Trees Peartree Cottage Bella vista AR

I am singularly unmotivated to write these days ... as I speak my little Annabelle is fighting for her life. 48 hours ago she was fine, then yesterday she began to have serious vomiting and diarrhea...She is up on her shots and doesnt spend a lot of time outside... the vet has tested her for Parvo virus and other issues and nothing. We dont know why we just can see the blood pouring from her rectum every half hour. I will be having her hydrated tonight and Dr. Eric will be coming in to pill her for me, as she cant keep it down just now.

If she dies...

My life is at a low point. I am so down right now. I have no prospect for work , and 90 days of cash after that I will be on the street. Woody lost his job friday along with hundreds more Walmart folks, and others. One of my friends went to an interview for a part time job...2000 people applied for it....little wonder I am getting no action on the job front.

Woody is going to get a foreclosure notice on our house on Ashton Circle, or rather I will get it...the loan is in my name only. What Woody and our cats will do I dont know...I cant think about it. Its not his fault he lost his job... The meltdown here is incredible. Worse, Seniors who have paid off homes are bringing their grown children here to live with them, from other places "worse off". That will only increase the pool of unemployed people. On the other hand a lot of people that came here to work for Walmart and its vendors are selling out and going back to where they came from, as that is where the family is.

I am going to keep trying but I am also thinking about if living with someone is the answer...if someone will have me. I have encouraged Woody to clear out the house and rent all but the master bedroom and bath to a family or two singles, he could do that I wouldnt care, if fact that is a good thing, a positive thing. I went on Craigslist to look for housing for myself, and I saw all of these poor people that are desprately looking for a place to live. He could live with some other guys or even a small family. There are two extra bedrooms and a bath. anyway he is thinking about it.

All last week, the readings and message on the Daily Mass and in my devotional were on faith and trusting God. I take time out a few times a day to pray and meditate on the positive...usually I do well untill about 8 pm from then on its difficult for me to focus on the good things and to have hope. I try not to think of the life we have lived and the way the safety net of our lives was erroded by selfishness and foolishness. I try not to dwell on the past and the huge painful hole all of that has left. I try to not be angry...

One lady at church yesterday said she didnt know how I was still standing up...she said shed have given up and just died... a part of me wants to...so much of me already has in this long winter. If I lose Annabelle I dont know what will become of me...


2-24-09 Annabelle was nearly gone from me when we got to Dr. Eric's. After some hydration, warming her up with a heating pad we got her temperature up ... I have her on a pad now and will check on her in the night Woody is coming to stay with her while I go into town in the morning we have to keep praying she is not out of the woods yet
Pray for me...

Labels: Annabelle, Faith, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody, working

February 14, 2009

Psalm 33~Be My Refuge

Nature's Sculpture in ice, an ice glazed tree in my garden. Bella Vista AR


Psalm 33

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!
Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!

3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
5Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.

6I hate [fn1] those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the Lord.
7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

9Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors,
and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me.
12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel.
13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!—
as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!
O Lord, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you;
let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol.
Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
In the cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men;
you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city.
I had said in my alarm, [fn2]
“I am cut off from your sight.”
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.

Love the Lord, all you his saints!
The Lord preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

February 13, 2009

Alas, Babylon...

The Birthplace of the Behemoth, Sam Walton's 5 and 10, on the Bentonville Square Bentonville AR

Revelation 18:10-20

“Alas! Alas! You great city,
you mighty city, Babylon!
For in a single hour your judgment has come.”

And the merchants of the earth weep and mourn for her, since no one buys their cargo anymore,cargo of gold, silver, jewels, pearls, fine linen, purple cloth, silk, scarlet cloth, all kinds of scented wood, all kinds of articles of ivory, all kinds of articles of costly wood, bronze, iron and marble,cinnamon, spice, incense, myrrh, frankincense, wine, oil, fine flour, wheat, cattle and sheep, horses and chariots, and slaves, that is, human souls.

“The fruit for which your soul longed
has gone from you,
and all your delicacies and your splendors
are lost to you,
never to be found again!”

The merchants of these wares, who gained wealth from her, will stand far off, in fear of her torment, weeping and mourning aloud,

“Alas, alas, for the great city
that was clothed in fine linen,
in purple and scarlet,
adorned with gold,
with jewels, and with pearls!
For in a single hour all this wealth has been laid waste.”

And all shipmasters and seafaring men, sailors and all whose trade is on the sea, stood far off18and cried out as they saw the smoke of her burning,

“What city was like the great city?”

And they threw dust on their heads as they wept and mourned, crying out,

“Alas, alas, for the great city
where all who had ships at sea
grew rich by her wealth!
For in a single hour she has been laid waste.
Rejoice over her, O heaven,
and you saints and apostles and prophets,
for God has given judgment for you against her!”

BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- The big announcement from Wal-Mart Tuesday, cutting around 800 of its employees at the Bentonville home office, has left many people in northwest Arkansas stunned.
While the number is large, it could've been much worse.

Many are worried that the Wal-Mart layoffs would have a domino effect on the vendor community.

International Operations Are Staying Strong At Walmart

But what 40/29 News learned at a Bentonville Chamber of Commerce luncheon Wednesday is that Wal-Mart's organizational changes surprisingly won't be affecting its suppliers.

"They'll have to do different things within their environment to be able to service Wal-Mart, but overall, I don't see them cutting down on who they have in northwest Arkansas," said Ed Clifford, president and CEO of the Bentonville-Bella Vista Chamber of Commerce.

The reason for this is because the jobs that were cut from Wal-Mart for the most part aren't sales related.

The jobs that were cut mainly involve the areas that deal with new store expansion, which the company will be slowing.

For the most part, vendors said they won't feel the repercussions immediately, but they know they're not immune.

"The internal restructure of Wal-Mart hasn't affected any of the partners that we work with directly, so I feel that our company is safe right now. However, with the economy the way it is, I think everybody's nervous at this point," said Robin Foshee, a vendor for Coty beauty line.

But some suppliers did cut their workforce even before Wal-Mart's move Tuesday.

Gary Lowe worked for Genius Products, a DVD distributor. He was laid-off two weeks ago.

"They eliminated some positions to cut costs, about a 17 percent reduction overall," said Lowe.

So he's networking with other vendors to hopefully land a job.

But with the hundreds of people laid off Tuesday from Wal-Mart, he said it's going to be even harder.

"It puts some more competition out there on the market for jobs. I mean, more bodies for the same number or fewer jobs right now," said Lowe.

Lowe said he's not too worried. He said he got a pretty good severance package.

Those who were laid off from Wal-Mart will only be receiving severance pay until April.

Wal-Mart says they will allow its former employees to take jobs with vendors immediately, instead of waiting a year to apply.

But the problem is, because of the economy, many of these vendors currently have hiring freezes..

Courtesy 40/29news.com

Yeah, this wont affect suppliers, but the earthquake that rumbled though Benton county is effecting everyone. I was driving by the Home Office in the early afternoon and saw people with cardboard boxes out in the parking lot, I knew that something big had happened.

I was running errands and my last stop was an employment agency that was sending my resume to a business that needs an administrator. I wanted to meet this lady, her predecessor had been let go... and I had never met her. We discussed that the release of 800 middle and upper management types will only add to my difficulties with finding employment.

The attached article shows the ignorance of a lot of people. One persons job loss effects dozens of people. Its a cumulative affect. You aren't working so you don't go out to eat or shop which means retail and entertainment workers are affected and so on and so on. High rollers have a larger affect on the economy and tend to touch more people. Already I have seen the home of a man who was in Marketing go up for sale yesterday, He has a large family...what will they do?

Truth is that a lot of folks that came here will go back where they came from. They came when Wal mart hired them. I hear comments all of the time people would rather go "home". I know that a lot of vendor folks have actually done this once the vendor office closed. This area has built up with the idea that the Big Three employers WalMart Tyson and JB Hunt would continue to grow and expand. To have a lull in this growth is problematic... The extra houses wont sell, the empty vendor office space gets cheaper and cheaper... Already we have a 10 year glut of housing and excess retail space. Stores and business are folding up... This boom town may be going bust all around me

People are afraid. Businesses are in a panic. Like the scripture people are running around with their hands over their mouths gasping for air.

I am wondering how much of the panic is made by the news media? Many of the positions that WalMart eliminated they had been wanting to eliminate for a long time... So is housecleaning in a business necessary, you betcha. But its not the end of the world.

So if each business just held on to one job they were going to eliminate, this recession would end. If the banks would just stop foreclosing on homes for a two month period home prices would stabilize. Can people stop looking only to themselves can big business quit looking for every last buck, perhaps a lot of the misery would be resolved.

But I think we all can agree that the watchword of the world is grasping greed. We have only to look at the so called "stimulus" plan. So much for change... those greedy guts in Washington couldnt wait to spend all of that money... much of it will have little effect on the economy...

My hope is that it will have a phycological effect on the nation. It certainly has on the want ads. The pages for our area went from 4 to 8 pages, I responded to a dozen ads we shall see what happens

If you had said to me 10 years ago that the demand for containerized freight would shrink by double digits, that Wal Mart would stop growing... I would have laughed. But then I couldnt fathom that I would be living here in the land of Wal Mart Home Office

Labels: Breaking News, Current Events, Politics, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, working

February 08, 2009

Nehemiah 1~ Pray Over The Ruins

Against Heaven heavily iced and frozen branches defy gravaty's pull. Bella Vista AR


The words of Nehemiah the son of Hacaliah.

Now it happened in the month of Chislev, in the twentieth year, as I was in Susa the capital, that Hanani, one of my brothers, came with certain men from Judah. And I asked them concerning the Jews who escaped, who had survived the exile, and concerning Jerusalem. And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."

As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven.And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments,let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned.We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses.Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples,but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your dispersed be under the farthest skies, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there.’They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand.O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."

Now I was cupbearer to the king.

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather

February 07, 2009

Bowed But Not Broken

bowed but not broken, a Dogwood sapling bowed over from the ice storm. Happily the little tree was flexible enough to not break under the onslaught of the freezing rain

Perseverance is the virtue that enables a man to endure the delays in the attainment of good... St. Thomas Aquinas

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be broken... Pastor Chuck Smith

Its been a blurr of a week. I may not be working but I am working pretty hard at being unemployed. I have had two other interviews, one for an agency that has a call center job that requires technical training yet pays less than I have made in 15 years. I will go into the red every month, I will take it if I am offered it. But it is going to be really hard...

I had a second insurance company call me, regarding selling insurance products geared towards the senior market which is very large in this area. I interviewed with the owner of the branch/franchise of this second firm... I know he has since read this blog, I have the address on my cards so this isn't vain flattery but I really liked this man and the way he presented the opportunity. I didn't get the impression that he runs a boiler room or that he wont pay me for work and effort, and once I get started I will give him 110 percent.

I have looked into both firms and I have not yet found negative information on this second company but I did find it on the first one, lots of dirt. So I have prayed a lot about this. I feel like I need to explore both firms more thoroughly before I commit. I cant commit to anyone until I have passed the state exam and am licensed by the state of Arkansas.

And to do that one must attend a required class. I completed the class this week, it was hard. I have such a hard time sitting there. Its easy to let the mind wander..."Is this the right thing?"..." What if I cant do it, what then?"... I know I shouldn't dwell on this kind of thinking. This is the only door currently open to me and I need to take it. I also need to not focus on the visions of big pay days, the promises of a secure future if I get involved in this profession. Truth is we are not promised tomorrow, we are not promised success even if we work hard... I know this now more today than ever. I must trust that both of the men I talked to wont let me lose my home while I am trying to learn this job. I think I can do it and yes I do believe in providing people information on their benefits and getting them the insurance they need to supplement their Medicare.

I feel like I had a hard time retaining the concepts. I bought the disc with the practice questions from the exam and I will work hard at getting the answers right and will not take the exam before I am ready...period. I cant afford to keep taking the test at 100.00 bucks a pop... and failure is not an option...

and I have seen failure. This is exactly the sort of this that the "losers" in my life tried to do to make the big bucks instead of getting a "real" job. I feel a sort of shame for myself for looking down on them so many years ago now that I find myself in their shoes...The big talk that came out of their mouths was the voice of desperation and I had no compassion. Truth is I need so little that marginal success will be enough.

But enough of that. Other than the nagging fear of penury, life is good. I am, in my spare time, working hard at getting the rest of the unpacking done and my garage sorted out in particular. I have the space out there to set up a good home office, sewing space and eventually my jewelers bench.Actually sewing may become a necessity as I have been singularly unable to find proper blouses or shells... you know those simple blouses you wear under a jacket with a skirt? And a Day dress to wear while calling on clients. I look like a freak in a traditional suit, like I am wearing Daddy's business suit or a worse sort of sterotype.... If its not soft and femenine, it doesnt fly. I love Tim Gunn, and his 10 Essentials for your closet made me realize that a suit isnt on this list. I look good in a dress if it fits right. But like a blouse I havent found anything even on line that is reasonable or not too hootchy- coothchie..ie my boobs hanging out all over the place... Hey I have something to sell but not that...

So my machines are here and I bought materiel in Louisville, so I think I will get to work, it beats worrying. And it will be a welcome creative break from study

I am trying to remain optimistic, hopeful and focused on Jesus. I feel closer to God than I have been in a very very long time... I am bowed down, humbled by the knowledge that my life...my future is TOTALLY out of my hands. Perhaps in this year of learning to trust, I will finally be able to let go and have real faith in the God who has never failed me. He will not leave me bowed down but will raise me up in His time

Labels: Bella Vista, Faith, Scenic Arkansas, working

February 01, 2009

Proverbs 30~Every Word Of God Is True

Snowed in, the bird feeding station is snowed in Bella Vista AR

Proverbs 30

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
Who has ascended to heaven and come down?
Who has gathered the wind in his fists?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is his son's name?
Surely you know!

Every word of God proves true;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
Do not add to his words,
lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar.

Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the Lord?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.

Do not slander a servant to his master,
lest he curse you and you be held guilty.

There are those who curse their fathers
and do not bless their mothers.
There are those who are clean in their own eyes
but are not washed of their filth.
There are those—how lofty are their eyes,
how high their eyelids lift!
There are those whose teeth are swords,
whose fangs are knives,
to devour the poor from off the earth,
the needy from among mankind.

The leech has two daughters;
“Give” and “Give,” they cry. [fn4]
Three things are never satisfied;
four never say, “Enough”:
Sheol, the barren womb,
the land never satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says, “Enough.”

The eye that mocks a father
and scorns to obey a mother
will be picked out by the ravens of the valley
and eaten by the vultures.

Three things are too wonderful for me;
four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a virgin.

This is the way of an adulteress:
she eats and wipes her mouth
and says, “I have done no wrong.”

Under three things the earth trembles;
under four it cannot bear up:
a slave when he becomes king,
and a fool when he is filled with food;
an unloved woman when she gets a husband,
and a maidservant when she displaces her mistress.

Four things on earth are small,
but they are exceedingly wise:
the ants are a people not strong,
yet they provide their food in the summer;
the rock badgers are a people not mighty,
yet they make their homes in the cliffs;
the locusts have no king,
yet all of them march in rank;
the lizard you can take in your hands,
yet it is in kings' palaces.

Three things are stately in their tread;
four are stately in their stride:
the lion, which is mightiest among beasts
and does not turn back before any;
the strutting rooster, the he-goat,
and a king whose army is with him.

If you have been foolish, exalting yourself,
or if you have been devising evil,
put your hand on your mouth.
For pressing milk produces curds,
pressing the nose produces blood,
and pressing anger produces strife.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture, weather