Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...
Age~ Old enough to know better
Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09
Hair Color~ natural brown/grey
Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...
Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings
In the spring of 1519 a Spanish fleet set sail Cortez told his sailors this mission must not fail On the eastern shore of Mexico they landed with great dreams But the hardships of the new world made them restless and weak Quietly they whispered, "Let's sail back to the life we knew" But the one who led them there was saying
Burn the ships, we're here to stay There's no way we could go back Now that we've come this far by faith Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return Our life is here So let the ships burn
In the spring of new beginnings a searching heart set sail Looking for a new life and a love that would not fail On the shores of grace and mercy we landed with great joy But an enemy was waiting to steal, kill, and destroy Quietly he whispers, "Go back to the life you know" But the one who led us here is saying
Burn the ships, we're here to stay There's no way we could go back Now that we've come this far by faith Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return Our life is here So let the ships burn
Nobody said it would be easy But the one who brought us here Is never gonna leave us alone
Burn the ships, we're here to stay There's no way we could go back Now that we've come this far by faith Burn the ships, we've passed the point of no return Our life is here So let the ships burn
Steven Curtis Chapman
It is with great regret that the staff-parish relations committee notifies this congregation that Rev David F.... will be transfered to a new parish in Pine Bluff AR effective July 1 and Pastor Sarah________, an elder and District Superintendent and her retired husband will be transferred here to pastor this church in Bella Vista...
With the lady's words the last little threads of my mooring's here in NW Arkansas were hacked away and I am now adrift in the seas of life... My three reasons for returning here from Louisville, were to open or deal with the business situation, to finish my relationship with Woody and tie up those loose ends, and to return to a church that I have come to love
Its not just that my beloved pastor and his wife and son whom I adore are being sent all the way across the state, but they are sending a retirement aged woman to replace him... and I fear ... condemning the new work we have begun to a slow painful death. Nothing on the new pastor, I don't know her, I cant make an assumption about what she will or wont do. I am certain of one thing, We really need a young family man, full of energy and enthusiasm at the helm. Someone like David, with a vested interest in continuing the course already laid out, for the sake of his own children. Not a retiree interested in golf rounds and daytime events that the working people cant participate in... And true to form, the stereotype of Bella Vista being only a retirement community has won out and this church will be the loser. Twenty years ago, there were only Seniors here. Now Bella Vista is home to the most populous grade school in the state of Arkansas,over 500 children and it only goes to the four grade! In one year of starting a Contemporary service, we have gone from 4 kids to fifty kids and we are having our first confirmation class...150 people in Contemporary worship from zero a year ago...
This is important to me because I have been a part of this work from its inception nearly four years ago, and have nourished it prayed and been a part of it all along. There has not been time to raise up a new leader, or train people to come along side, we don't have enough people to fill all of the positions anyway, typical of a new work in any church.
Our Worship leader left us a month ago, to pursue a job in Cleveland, that left a place for me to sing on Sunday's and that has been wonderful... It was my hope to become even more involved. While my quest to become a Roman Catholic is on hold for now, I was very willing to invest myself in this congregation...
The United Methodist Church ordains women. I don't have a problem with that. I don't have a problem with women marrying, burying, teaching at various levels, being an assisting pastor or pastor in charge of youth, music or seniors. We have a lovely Senior lady, a retired pastor that has been great for our church and a big help for our pastor, as she supervises the Children's ministry and does visitation.
But I do have a problem with having a woman as a Senior Pastor, in the primary leadership role. It is not Biblical, and it is not found in Tradition. It is not something that I can go along with. Its is a cruel blow to me, as it will effectively end my relationship with the church, and that finishes off any support system that I have in the area. It kills me.
I have spent my last 24 hours in a sort of numb shock...right after service yesterday I came home and Woody met me and we took Abigal out to Oklahoma to the Breeders where she is going to be with her Mum and sibs for at least a month to gain maturity and to work on house manners. While driving Woody and I talked about his future. He will probably be returning to the West Coast once our home has sold, regardless of our marital status. If he does this I am going to ask him to file for a divorce in CA, which will be easier to get, and less hastle
More endings, more reasons to look elsewhere to settle. I have no job, I do not own this house and likely I wont because I am spending the down payment. I have no family here, and no social life, and now no church.
There are a lot of churches here and Im sure I could find one very easily that I would fit into. I would look specifically for ministry to my age group and single adults. It also needs to be close.
One church that comes to mind is Gracepoint Church dot com I have some familiarity with this body, friends go there and I visited with their Pastor a few weeks ago when I was feeling low down. When Walmart sacked all of those people a few weeks ago, they brainstormed and set up a ongoing ministry called HOPE - NWA I am going there tonight to the monthly meeting for HOPE-NWA. Maybe I can get some help on finding a job.
March 31
What a difference a day makes. I considered erasing this whole post because of the meeting I had today with Pastor David. With out saying anything to him about why I wanted to meet with him, he laid out the reasons why the Conference Board made this decision. This move will affect a number of churches and by moving David, it will facilitate the moving of another man that really needs to move to a body that has been having a really hard time. It makes sense to a degree when he explains it. But it doesnt lessen the pain or the fact that when he is not there, the energy level drops to zero in that building. I am scared and in this hour of disruption and pain in my life this was the LAST thing I needed.
While he served me coffee, another thing about him, his graciousness as a host and a servant-leader...I had a chance to meet Pastor Sarah... boy that is alien on my toungue. I saw a photo...I wouldnt have guessed this lady was 62 by the look of her... David had a letter she had written to him...beautiful in wording, almost a poem,...He said he'd give a lot to be able to write like that. He had a message on his phone that Sarah left, she seemed so loving and kind, knowing that this is a brutal separation, a certainly unexpected one... encouraging him. I really liked that. It told me a lot about her.
I was assured that she cares about the work, that she has the energy to maintain the level of passion necessary to push us to the next level. Many people who have been around awhile know her already and love her.
I felt a bit reduced. I had prejudged Sarah in a lot of areas. But nothing said changed the theological truth about a woman as a seinor pastor. David asked me to consider all of the reasons why Methodism allows this practice.Even joking with me that this posting had really allowed him to get in touch with his "feminine side", and that I had sat under a man who "wore a dress" every sunday for four years... an allusion to the clerical gown and the european style cassock he wore early on that he gave up due to peer pressure about the roman collar atached to it... "Be all things to all men, he said quoting Paul... All of those reasons, to me, allow for ministry but negate the Pauline injunctions about headship. Only in extreemis shoud a woman be in charge like this. Maybe there is no one else... we never got to that point...
Without asking me to stay on, he did ask me to stay on, but pointing out the changes that are about to occur in the Team, let alone this move... and that if I wanted to honor him, would I be willing to be there to see that the work we have begun be lasting and effective...to endure. I have found that thought to be compelling.
The loss of my friend is really painful. This is the first person I have met in many years that just connected at points that seemed just amazing to me. He wasnt afraid to reach out to me and to take an intrest in my life. Carla his wife and his son always were inclusive and I felt connected to them... They changed my feelings about church, and about Pastors, and pastor's families. I had a chance to really see into a mans life that has helped me make choices regarding abandoning my unhealthy marriage and being open to a healthy relationship in the future. He didnt always understand, but accepts my faith journey as it comes, helping me to do the same. And, as a Wounded Healer, he has encouraged me to continue to seek healing in my own life. Its huge....
He stated a fact, the church is not the pastor. I come from a place (Calvary Chapel) where that view is the opposite. Certainly the Catholic Church doesnt support this view, and one of the reasons the Methodist church moves its pastors around is exactly this reason. I need to change my heart attutde, and not be so angry and upset... I saw all of these people today in the office that I would miss terribly if I left, compounding my losses even more, adding grief upon grief...
I gave serious consideration that I might follow David and Carla to Pine Bluff. If there was a position in the church, or there were jobs I would certainly consider it. My hero in the faith Anne Hutchinson followed the Puritan teacher, John Cotton to the new world... I know people in the Calvary Chapels that followed pastors from location to location... but truthfully today, I realized that this is not God's plan for me. I looked into his face as we had coffee, I saw pain and weariness that my anxiety didnt help... and I realized that the ultimate way I can be a friend is to let go, be strong and to what I can to help make the transition smooth, and be available and supportive.
I do need to Burn the Ships. the ships of the Past. I asked God to teach me to trust Him, with every blow, every loss and every day of accute insecurity, I can only draw closer to Him, and not cling to anyone or anything. I need to trust in God's will and not be overly upset and anxious about anything that happens.
After today I am looking forward to meeting this lady, I may not agree with the politics of the denomination, or how this comes about. But God knows that, and He will lead me on, there is no turning back.
It was three months before Woody and I were married . I was one of four girls in the small office that was getting married that fall. My boss was a hapily married woman who had raised two fine young women. We had had many conversations about my future marriage. One slow afternoon when she called me into her office for something, and we got to talking... she said..."Let me tell you a story"... The woman sitting in front of me was impeccably dressed and the queen of organization... "When I found out I was pregnant I had all of these ideas. When my first daughter was born, I sterilized everything, I used the best diapers and made my own baby food, I washed her little shoestrings to keep them white...
then I got pregnant with my second daughter, I was so exahusted... and it was impossible for me to keep up once she was born. One day I fell asleep with them outside and I found she was eating dirt and it didnt bother me, she never looked like she was posing for a magazine cover...She then took both pictures of the girls off of her desk. Which one is the most sucessful the most "normal"? The one who ate dirt, and climbed trees...
Remember that when You have your own kids...Just love them and dont worry so much about doing all of the right things
I thought about Chris Salerio, and her words of wisdom. Because of circumstance, temperment and breeding, Annabelle was the "perfect child" I seldom had to scold. she was good about the bathroom and passive about crating... not a barker or pushy about attention. Abigail is just the opposite at this point in her life
Its been a difficult but revealing week for me and Abigail. I came into this with as open a mind as I could have. I had lost an exceptional dog, and didnt expect Abigail to be her replacement. She is her own person, and still a baby really, and perhaps a late bloomer. She was very attached to her Mom and sister and didnt want to be separated. Perhaps that is part of the problem
Her breeder has a program that she follows with the puppies, one of the most important things is crate training. Its vital that the pup be able to stay in her crate while I am gone. I have arranged for a wonderful neighbor to come during the day to take her out. Then at night I expected her to be in her crate until I was sure of the house training.
She is house trained. She only wanted to go outdoors when we got home... but not at night nor in the rain and snow or with lightining..She is a little girl after all. I understand this, but she wouldnt go in this house on the pads either, as Annabelle did when she couldnt go out. She has her own bathroom as well as pads by the back door. But at three months she cant hold it very long and going out after dark is dangerous with the wild animals plus we are so close to a busy road...
Abigail not only doesnt want to be in a crate in another room, she cannot handle being alone for any length of time. she will walk in and out of the jumbo sized crate at will even lay down in it. But close the door, she turns into the Tazmanian Devil, freaking out to the point of blooding herself. Because she wont allow herself to be crated ie put down for a nap, I think this contributes to all of the issues she is strggling with. She wont stay still in a play pen with me in the room. That is making things very difficult
I remember that I had Woody to help and that he was home with her at night and I had her during the day. Still by 4 months Annabelle was spending 10 to 12 hours a day in her crate and it wasnt an issue for her. It has been sugessted that I exchange Abigail for a different puppy. Only as a last resort... I cant believe that a bonding hasnt already occured. Last night Abi wasnt settling down and as she came over and suckled my night dress sleave I saw a look of contented trust.. she just needs a binkie... Annabelle used the corner of a blanket, her favorite is in my closet still. I found a delivery blankie and tucked that around her and she chewed on the corner and settled...A little teething baby thats all she is...
And..she has a nasty habit of eating her poop. Pretty disgusting. I know that this is common and this breed is notorious for this. I have been giving her a suppliment to help deter this. She is infuriated when she goes and doesnt get to... you know... so now in the house I can scoop it up and while I am doing that I stuff her mouth with a soft liver treat to keep her busy. Outside I just take her away from it.
Its exausting trying to keep up with her, to try to keep the carpets from being soiled... But she is confused with all of the smells in here.
We have had some break throughs. I succumbed and moved Abi into my bed. That has been fun. I made a little bed for her at the head of the bed so she is close to me and can wake me when she needs to go at night. She has been very good about this and we have been sucessful to transition to the indoor bathroom at night. She is a much better partner than some of my bed partners, keeping to the space that I provided to her
But the truth is I see her acting very lost. She will sit in front of the closet mirror and howl. She acts like she is looking for some one or something. She was coming when called, she no longer does this and sometimes just seems lost. She was walking with me now she doesnt overnight.
The thought is that she really wasnt ready to leave home and that perhaps returning to the farm would be a good idea. Sadly I feel like they are right. So its back to Oklahoma for perhaps a month so the breeder can work with her on crating. I also have the old crate Annabelle used that Abigail hates. Perhaps it smells of death even though I cleaned it well, I dont know, but I am going to trade it out for another one.
I will miss my little tomboy girl, today we had a hard day but I sat and held her quite a bit, just loving her. That is why I got her and I want to not let the problems get in the way of the love. I know that that being with the breeder will do a lot of good and we will try again in a month. I will miss the litle stranger that I hardly know but love to pieces
Annabelle and her little boyfriend Paco at a Tiny Dog Play Day, Bentonville AR
Years ago death was commemorated by a year of mourning. Every month on the day of the passing of the Departed One, a funeral mass, the Lux Aeterna, would be said in memorial. I dont know if I will need a year but I saw this little poem on a pet grief website and thought that I would pass it on. If someone knows its author I will credit the work
Thank you for all of your love and support during this hard time in my life
Remember Me
“Remember me always, but do not grieve for me too long. I have tried always to comfort you in times of sorrow, and have made every effort to add joy to your life. I never wanted to cause you pain.
Peace for me is certain now, and I suspect I will have eternal sleep in the earth I have loved so well.
Please, after your period of grieving for me, make room in your heart for another. You are the kind of human being that should always have a friend like me to love. Your kind and gentle heart should not be wasted on my memory for too long. Give your love to another. I know your new friend will never take my place, because we had something very special.
It may not be quite the same, but a new devoted and loving companion will in time, become special in their own way.
You loved me very much and I loved you. My spirit will always be with you, and no matter how deep my sleep, my grateful heart will always remember you.
WEll, we would really rather that you had a yard...Yes,yes I know...the dog will be indoors...
Yes we have dog's in the shelter, no you cant look at them, you have to go on Petfinder, find a dog you like...if the dog is not available we will tell you in a few days and then you have to fill out an application....
Yes, I know that on Craigslist you aren't supposed sell pets but I got this 8 week Chihuahua two weeks ago and paid 400.00 for it. My sister hates it and I want my money out of it.
Sure, I will give you the dog come and see me...oh I dont know when I will have time...
We charge 400.00 for the 8 year old rescue dog with issues because we have so much invested in the dog and want you to have the same investment... Yes that is why you sign the contract that you feel says you dont own the dog...
Maxwell, Abigail's Daddy
Yes its a dog eat doggy world out there when you are talking rescue. The do gooder mentality makes it really hard to adopt a pet. I am so worn down I have no energy to deal with this.
The silence and the extra hours that I have since Bella's death have been very difficult., I found that my whole life was upside down, and not in a good way.
So when I taled to Pam about Anabelle's parents whelping It was with some relief. She is a LCSW and after a few questions said that she felt I was ready for a new furry friend
Sweetie Pie Abigail's Mum
Woody drove me out...they live one hour west of Fort Smith, and with my sleep apnea It was such a long drive, its better that I dont go that distance. It gave us a chance to talk which I think was a good thing. Changes are coming to our situation.Woody is putting our house up for sale. Real estate is starting to move a bit and this might be a good time to start the selling process
We got there and Pam wasnt there yet so we bagan to pick up pups. There were about 30 of them. After a few hours of this I had landed on two. A tiny girl that was a touch bossy and willful enough to get mme going...and a little boy that glomed onto both Woody and I... I couldnt decided
Annabells two sisters and two brothers were 4 weeks old and very cute. But I wouldnt have the pup till mother's Day, and ther was something creepy about looking into the face of my Beloved...even at that early stage I could see the tip tilted nose that was very different from the other pups...
So as I was watching the little girl pup I saw a larger pup come over and lay down between me and the little girl. She looked up at me with a classic "Crysanthimum" face, nearly flat with almond shaped eyes that will grow rounder as she gets older. he coat was nearly straight and as soft as a cloud. The feeling of the hair was important to me. The bristly shih tzus that get that trait from Pekeanese ancestors are not for me
When I picked her up she rolled up into a ball and snuggled. Woody says that she was the first pup I had picked up earlier in the day and he thought that her being bigger will make her sturdier and a good compainion, perhaps less prissy and more a tom boy though I dont know. She is strong minded and will bark and make her wishes known
She feels solid, and well made. Pam thinks she will be 8-10 lbs Annabells was 8 lbs. Insted of a prance she ambles along with a leggy gait. She will be fast and she loves walking already
I couldnt afford her..., but like Woody said, will I get ex number of dollars of enjoyment and mental peace of mind. Will her love and yes devotion already, be worth it...of course...(she stood between me and the "doggy in the closet mirror" and barked like crazy , I had to intervene... Annabelle had only just discovered her reflection shortly before her death.
And so I am a doggy Momma again, in the twenty four hours that I have had her at home has already been a joy. Abigail is her name...they were already calling her "Abby" and she answers to that. The name means Beloved of the Father in Hebrew. she has stolen our hearts and the hearts of everyone who has seen her
Early Spring Dogwood blooms... Honey Creek State Park near Grove OK
Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God, for your sins have brought you down. Bring your petitions, and return to the Lord. Say to him, "Forgive all our sins and graciously receive us, so that we may offer you the sacrifice of praise. Assyria cannot save us, nor can our strength in battle. Never again will we call the idols we have made `our gods.' No, in you alone do the orphans find mercy." The Lord says, "Then I will heal you of your idolatry and faithlessness, and my love will know no bounds, for my anger will be gone forever! I will be to Israel like a refreshing dew from heaven. It will blossom like the lily; it will send roots deep into the soil like the cedars in Lebanon. Its branches will spread out like those of beautiful olive trees, as fragrant as the cedar forests of Lebanon. My people will return again to the safety of their land. They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines. They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon. "O Israel, stay away from idols! I am the one who looks after you and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green, giving my fruit to you all through the year." Let those who are wise understand these things. Let those who are discerning listen carefully. The paths of the Lord are true and right, and righteous people live by walking in them. But sinners stumble and fall along the way.
After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.”So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him.
When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here am I.”He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.”And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering
And the angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time from heaven and said, “By myself I have sworn, declares the Lord, because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you,
I have always thought that this passage...this story in the Bible was amazing. How could that old man have so much faith in God? How could Isaac have so much faith he was a kid compaired to his father, though I am sure he was a grown man. How easily Isaac could have overpowered his father and not allowed him to secure him to the altar. But he trusted his Dad and his dad's God....
I have never had a great faith. I have people around me who say I have great faith, but truthfully I am filled with doubt... Maybe it was watching my parents struggle through life, and while my Mother was quick to give God the credit when something good happened, I wondered how much of the "miracle" was due to her formadible strength of will. The same is true in my life. I have wondered if the miracles in my life were self derived...I dont know anymore.
In this time of great suffering for so many people, I am more than aware of how it is for you to pray and pray and have the Heavens seem like brass to your desparate words. I feel like my life is like this.I know that God is listening but it seems like He isnt.
I so admire people with great faith, in the ashes of the day, as the sun is warmer, people are coming forward and shoping. I can only hope that a job for yours truly will soon follow. Woody has put our home up for sale. With the reduction of intrest rates this week I am hopeing that he will be able to sell and get the money out of it that he is entitled to. It will also change my credit rating for the better and that is really needed. I have lost a number of opportunities because my credit is a desiding factor, and while its not totally whacked its isnt helped with the HELOC being 90 percent of my available credit and its behind.
In other news, I have received an invite to drive out to Annabelle's breeder and have the pick of the litter of Li'l Man and My Little Shadow's pups,who were born Valentine's Day. These were Annabelle's parents. She has a litter once a year and its small there are 2 boys and 2 girls. There are other pups and older dogs. The breeder is a LCSW, and understands the grief process. She said not to push if it feels right we will go ahead if not I can come back. The financial burden is outweighed by the shear joy of having a furry person in my life...
I need the reminder to live in the moment, and not worry about the future so much.
Let the Seas Roar, Spring storm wave pounding the shore...taken near Na'alehu, Kau Big Island of Hawaii
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the Lord, O you his angels, you mighty ones who do his word, obeying the voice of his word! Bless the Lord, all his hosts, his ministers, who do his will! Bless the Lord, all his works, in all places of his dominion. Bless the Lord, O my soul!
"Let there be no mistake, where even one of us is-the entire Body of Christ dwells, through the inviable mystical body of unity-" St Peter Damian, Doctor of the Church
I have really been affected this week by so many of the reports this week about how poeple are dealing with their financial trials... or not dealing with them. Reports not of raw numbers..."there were so many foreclosures this week" ...or "statistics show there are more families on the street now..." kind of dumb, no house means homeless for most people. People trying to do the right thing now have no job and no place to go...Families "couch surfing" with a reletive, kids moving back in with parents... Individuals now living in a camping tents in a park when they were gainfully employed and had a home a year ago. The images are iconic and resemble Depression era photos and drawings that I have seen.
I understood and related to a lot of the stories. Life choices based on a reality that changed for them. Many did have savings and did have retirement plans and didnt have bad loans. But life's issues crept up on them. A daughter's college, a son coming back from Iraq disabled and needing medical treatment... Parents losing their retirement savings... you losing a job two years ago and temping since then now there are no extra jobs...Things unravel fast...
My life changed because I chose to change it. I borrowed against the house to go to school, and start a business. Yes I didnt do as well as I hoped and yes I spent more money than I wanted to, but truthfully I made a good business plan, and thought that I was good to go on setting up the business. But I saw the economy melting down, I was emotionally melting down, Woody wasnt prepared to support me and the business or even himself. Life changed unexpectedly for me. I am no different than anyone else going through this. Knowing that helps me cope when I feel like I am not going to make it. Being homeless is one of my greatest fears and many are the nights that I contemplate it. I have been reassured that this is not going to be my fate, but I am still concerned, because this has become the reality for thousands.
I also read on the blogs a lot of self righteous people blaming the victims. This is just wrong. I have met many people who have found themselves in a real jam since this debacle broke last summer. Yes many did dumb things. Frankly the whole nation did a lot of dumb things for a long time. Many people, especially the retirees I know did nothing wrong, all they did was just save their money... Buy and Hold was the watch word.Look what it got most of them!...
But rather than blame, the words of Peter Damian, quoted by Fr John Corapi SOLT, on Fr Mitch's live show on EWTN the other night rang true to me. He challenged us to see everyone that is struggling as a part of the Body of Christ. In truth, in serving "the poor" you are serving Christ. Rather than blame we need to relearn the fine art of helping people. I have already seen and heard of great efforts to lend a hand to the struggling... If the politicrats in DC would give some of this "Stimulus" money to regular people to facilitate helping out at the grass roots, the economy would jump start. No doubt about it.
The image of the warm clean well lighted place is somewhat iconic for me. I have always felt that if I had this I would be ok. The last year living with Woody I didnt feel I had this, I would come home to the dark house that was dirty and unkept...yes I was partly to blame but I wasnt ambulatory, and was working, and didnt understand why I seemed to have to do it all. It made me angrier and angrier, until the rage was overwelming. I shut down and didnt do anything. I moved to Louisville and into that somewhat sterile apartment, and found that I felt at home in a way I havent in years. Why? it was clean and bright and I could manage it
Truthfully, I think I ran away from home, and that affect the process at Connors and everything else. The rage had time to burn out, now I am shaken and have no confidence in myself. Failing bench tests makes it all feel like a waste... Having great interviews and not getting the jobs isnt helping. I find that I can go to my former home and only feel sad and not angry. I am sad that Woody is living is surroundings that are so depressing to me, sad he cant get a job...I know its not anything he can do much about right now...I am sad he made huge financial mistakes and has nothing to live on in his retirement.Im worried about what is going to happen to him. I see these folks living so hard...It scares me for him and for me.
I see this change in my heart attitude as a step forward.
The title of my post is from a short story of Hemmingway's... I feel like the sad subject of the story needing the light and social aspects of community. Right now much of my community is provided by EWTN. I need to find some sort of social outlet. My friend Linda and I are astranged, I am not sure why. She dropped me off two weeks ago tonight after the road trip to Birmingham, said she'd see me Sunday, and now hasnt come to church for two weeks. She will not answer emails or return phone calls. She concerned several couples at the church so they called to check on them and nothing. So this past Monday she came to a small group breakfast and while she smiled and did ask after a issue in my life she was preoccupied with a new friend and there was no comment regarding anything that had transpired perviously. It was as though she didnt really know me. Yet we had spent days sharing a lot of very personal stuff. I sense she feels badly about something, but she wont let me hash it out with her.... This kills me.
I owe her a great deal. She in taking me to Birmingham provided a "clean well lighted place" that helped me get through a huge loss that she said she understood. If I over stepped or was too much I would like to say Im sorry in person. I certainly will pay her back for the hotel room once I am working. In the mean time I will keep praying that somehow she realizes the harm that has been done. You dont tell me or anyone that you "love" them then abandon them. That is the worst sort of disloyalty, painful in the extreme.
My puppy plans are on hold for a bit. I hope to get to work, and the first few weeks will be very demanding no matter what I do. If no work comes, I may have to relocate somewhere where there are more jobs. Arkansas says they have low unemployment but we have a shadow unemployment because of all of the contract workers here, a lot of people are not being counted. Several areas are being touted to me. I would hate to give up this home in the trees but I am open to whatever God shows me is what He wants me to do.
In the mean time I have this cute puupy substitute. Thank you all for your encouragement since Annabelle's death. I cry for her every day I miss her so. But its getting easier to see other doggies, maybe I will be ready soon for a new baby. I certainly hope so....
“But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die.None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live.Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? But when a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice and does the same abominations that the wicked person does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds that he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, for them he shall die.
“Yet you say, ‘The way of the Lord is not just.’ Hear now, O house of Israel: Is my way not just? Is it not your ways that are not just? When a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice, he shall die for it; for the injustice that he has done he shall die. Again, when a wicked person turns away from the wickedness he has committed and does what is just and right, he shall save his life. Because he considered and turned away from all the transgressions that he had committed, he shall surely live; he shall not die.
The weather is so beautiful, I cant hardly believe how warm and nice it is. Perfect for walking. So I am trying to get out...but it has been so hard...
I am missing my walking partner
Not so long ago I walked by myself, and thought nothing of it. And perhaps it will be that way again, but for now the pain is nearly unbearable. I see people with their little shihtzus, even dogless people happy and smiling. I look at my world and everything is just broken...
I got a call last night, The Census people wanted to hire me... I missed the call and now cant get through, It was a job...a paying job. I dont know if they will call back
My friend Linda hasnt spoken to me in a week. I have called, gone by the house and emailed. Their dogs are home, and when I come to the door, they bark then stop...I think she is there, but doenst want to see me. I can think of a few reasons why but tell me ok so I can understand and slink off to the rock that I crawled out from under. If she is mad at me I wish she would be mature enough to tell me.
Walking today was so painful I found myself saying...Lets go! Lets go! to the tiny ghost walking with me. I found myself just breaking into sobs... I dont think any one of the myriad of people in my life have the slightest grasp of how I feel.
I know that people do know how I feel it is just so crushing. I saw this video on MSN and it really encouraged me to not let all of this get me down It is now 10 pm ten hours later... after I started this post I realized that I was in a bad way, so I showered and left early. I went to lunch...to my favorite Chinese place...it is my birthday after all and why not... I am retaking the Insurance class this week. It isnt my first choice of a career but I am going to try. I had some other interviews this week that went very well so we shall see. It is just so hard to wait and see...
One of my errands was to Dr Eric to take back the medications that Annabelle didnt need. He sat me down and told me that the tests came back and Bella's death was due to a severe bacterial infection, not Parvo. I am not under any sort of quarantine, no steam cleaning of carpets needed and to go get another furry friend if I wanted... He told me again how sorry he was that he thought that she was rallying when he let us go home, but she was too far gone and gave up after I put her into her bed for a bit of rest. God has a reason for taking her. I need to trust Him. But the pain and the odd feeling of something missing in my life is unbearable.
I need to say this...losing her I think is making me a healthier more whole person. I feel like I am in touch with feelings that have been suppressed for a long time. Truthfully, I found myself not crying or getting upset because it upset Annabelle so much. Imagine having to have a stiff upper lip for the sake of the dog! (smile) But I also gained in self control...the good kind and I am glad for that....
I have had a lot of people die in my life, not just of old age or catastrophic illness, though watching a young friend die of AIDS in the 80's was about the worst... Still not my parents nor my friends who have died elicited this depth of grief. I have had four friends commit suicide in my life time, had another friend in High School who was murdered by the Freeway Killer, William Bonin. At a low point in my life I made a sudden new friend, like I did Linda recently, only to have her die a few months later of a massive heart attack at age 49, I mentioned her in this post way back when... I believe in that little poem in the post that we have to live in the now...today... Love today live today.. I heard the Kenny Rogers song "One Life" this morning and I sang along with the radio to the little ghost that sometimes I can still see pirouetting around me as I do housework today...
If there's a way of makin' time stand still for good I haven't found it yet If I could love you for eternity, I would But I regret
I've only got one life; I've only got one life An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart And I wish I had a hundred more to give Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do But I've only got one life to love someone like you.
Can't take my eyes off you, I'm afraid of what I'll miss It goes by so fast So I'll treat each moment that I've been blessed, with you Like it's the last.
I've only got one life; I've only got one life An' one lifetime's just not long enough to live I've only got one heart; I've only got one heart And I wish I had a hundred more to give Girl, there's so little time and so much I want to do But I've only got one life to love someone like you.
I dont know if it is right to take on another responsibility just now with my life in such turmoil, I have a lot of misgivings about it, but on the other hand I see doggies on Craigslist that need a home, and think, what is a little food. a walk and a snuggle worth? Priceless.
I look at the website for Annabells Breeder and had a good cry when I watched this Precious
The lady accross the street who is Doggie Mom to an aged Dacshund named Oscar...a wistful admirer of Annabelle.... said she would help me by coming in and pottying my new baby should I chose to get another dog and need help with that,once I get a job... but i dont know how long I will be here if I dont land a job soon. Moving again just scares me, but I am preparing for that possibility. Where is another question...
Im paring down my stuff that I took out of the house with Woody... for example, I have started to go though my craft things, I have boxes and boxes of fabrics. I want to eliminate that to a box or two of special peices to keep. I would like to be sewing again soon, But I have a lot of stuff that I just will never use so its bye bye to that and off to the Cosy Shoppe where I have a consignment stall I sold a bunch of stuff last month, gave me a little bit of cash. I also went to the clothing consignment store where there was another c note waiting for me. I put a ton of stuff on consignment before I went to Louisville, and the payoff was nice.
Its easy to be afraid. We were talking about investment vehicles tonight and I found myself thinking that in 20 years I will be old enough to retire and I have NOTHING saved up, I was counting on Woody and our paid off house and a lot of things that are not going to pan out. I find myself becoming paralysed with fear but I know that God cares and its His job to provide for me when the time comes...
And perhaps that is the lesson of this hour, this time, and this year of my life. I can depend on no one, no creature, no anything, but God alone, and as I grow another year older, another year healthier, mentally and physically and another year stronger, spiritually and emotionally, I am grateful to Him Who Gives above anything we can ask or think of. Thank you God for another year of life and for all that came my way great and small, and for whatever is to come.
Beautiful Frozen Lake Norwood Near Town Center Bella Vista AR
Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my shameful deeds- they haunt me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.
For I was born a sinner- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
But you desire honesty from the heart, so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being.
Purify me from my sins, [fn1] and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice.
Don't keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.
Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.
Then I will teach your ways to sinners, and they will return to you.
Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
Unseal my lips, O Lord, that I may praise you.
You would not be pleased with sacrifices, or I would bring them. If I brought you a burnt offering, you would not accept it.
The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.
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