July 05, 2009

The Other Woman

The Stranger I Married Woody at Springfield Plantation, Mississippi

Started 7-02-09

When I did open my eyes, it was because I had to. And the man who showed me the truth was a fellow sufferer and a layman. Through him,I saw at last, and I stepped from the abyss to solid ground, knowing at once that my feet were on the broad highway if I chose to walk. ~Bill W with a hat tip to dear Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

My week this week has been one of surrender and discovery... of break through and heartbreak...and truthfully I feel more clear minded than I have in a long while. Like Brother Bill I feel like I have gained a footing and can walk if I choose...

It began a week ago, Woody came to the cottage to see little Abigail (little Ha! shes a whopping 6 pounds and a sturdy little piglet and goes into a frenzy when he comes over.)I have been struggling trying to stay positive in the face of criticism that I myself am somehow to blame for my situation. I have looked hard at my spiritual state not just now but in the past when I for want of a better word, cursed Woody for his weakness, his lack of...backbone... his neglect of me and our needs. Even as the foundation of our lives crumbled he would look me in the eye and say no to any sort of attempt to look for a job or seem to care. I know that I came to a place of speaking death rather than life into the situation, that only hurts myself. Now I find that everything that I ever wished on Woody is befalling me. I have repented and know that God will help me...

I was surprised at Woody's visit but even more surprised when he told me that he had been thinking a lot about my relationship with a mutual friend, and that with the recent disclosures of the Governor of South Carolina and his.."soul mates" ahem... that he felt he would ask... since there was a time in my life when I preferred married men to all other possibilities, had I crossed the line with this married man?...

No... the answer is no. In my heart...well... the heart wants what it wants and I have been hard pressed to deal with it at times... This has been a long struggle. In December of 2007 I wrote this piece about my struggles with my thought life. Its a hard road especially with my emotional life so barren. And with life harder and harder its been easier to indulge this. I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual with this person in a vague sort of way. I can tell and so could Woody the last time the three of us were together in the same place. I am not sure why he asked and was even more surprised that my little pet sin was so obvious to the guy who is a self described empathetic mud puddle... about that deep and that murky... Frankly I never thought that he paid that much attention to the deeper parts of my life...

The next day was Sunday. Rev Sara did a bang up job, but Pastor David was very much missed. People only mentioned it in a hushed whisper. People want to do the right thing and life will go on... I came home and thought a lot about this whole situation. My situation with unemployment and divorce and the whole mess. I felt a distinct change in my church community as it tries to a just to the regime change and new set up. It added to my sense of loss and confusion...add Woody's questions and well...

I couldn't wait to unload all of this on my counselor Susan... who has been patiently waited for me to tell all someday... she got the whole story... A story that she had been waiting for for weeks...My emotional affair, that is crushing the life out of me because when you cant really have your Beloved the stress and pain can be overwhelming. For me the thought that I could actually feel something for someone, I felt alive... But in truth its like these young people that cut themselves with razorblades pathologically, It damages you even as you "feel" something. I think the worst thing is that it takes you out of the present and you cant live in the moment while doing this. And if you go too far it becomes adultery according to Our Lord... I never thought about this situation that way before.

So I left Susan with homework to practice speaking forgiveness, to three people in particular. First Woody, then Mr. Wonderful, for innocently egging me on in my day dream, and mostly for myself... Truly this had a great effect almost from the beginning. There was a bit of a formula and I used that every time I thought of it. This was a great thing and I found it really helped. I would get to put it to the test in 72 hours

Both Woody and I are preparing for an estate sale, we both have gone through all of our things and selected what we want to keep and the rest will be sold. Woody is selling 99 percent of what he possesses I am hauling over about 1/3 of my stuff. But because most of the stuff is small and practical I may make more that Woody selling the beautiful furniture.

One thing we hadnt done was go through all of our personal papers sorting throwing out and dividing up. We talked about things that only the two of us know about here. I will miss that. I am losing the only person that knows about a large part of my life, our mutual history. Out time in Calvary Chapel, out time in Hawaii, no one else knows about our struggle...

Woody and I talked about my situation and then our of the blue he said he had something that he needed to share with me but first he sent me to the refrigerator to get a soda... I opened it up...

It was full of bottles of hard liquor. I took the soda out and opened the freezer door... There were more in there. Super cold, so you can drink it straight out of the bottle if you want... I was horrified.

I closed the door and went back into the dining room. Woody looked at me and said "I have a mistress..." I said "Well, how is that going?" He said "OK"... I said "You can get help for that..." "I dont want any help, I want to be left alone..."

As you all know... I have 100 questions about our marriage. About why things were the way they were. If you take most of those questions, and answer the question with "alcohol addiction"...it makes perfect sense. Our financial problems, Woody's peculiar behavior, his lethergy and sloth. His not being able to keep a job and no one wanting to hire him. The reason he never let me see the bank statements for his personal accounts....The reason he didnt want me around... wanted me to go to Louisville and not to return...

I forgave him. I forgave the suicidal mayhem he has unleashed on himself. He takes anti depressants and is diabetic. This is why they cant get his meds stable and why his sugar is sky high and they want to put him on the needle. His weight is going down but he is getting bigger... That is his liver distending... How did I not see this...

Because the wife is the last to know.

7-4 I spoke to him tonight. He admitted to drinking till he passed out but he only did that because he thought I had been in the house and done some stuff... Truth is that he had a blackout and didnt know what he had experienced. I am concerned about him, but the first thing I must do is to let go. I encouraged him to get help and changed the subject. if he is powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over his choice to misuse it and that is the beginning of my recovery. It going to be a long process but I am ready to begin, even if he is not, Its my journey to make, and walking in forgiveness, in Aloha is the way I am going to make it, one day at a time....

Labels: AA, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody

Matthew 25:31-46~The Final Judgment

View from the Ko'olau mountains Oahu Hawaii

The Final Judgment

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

July 01, 2009

...A Story About Him...

Glorious Dawn over Panama City Beach FL


Anoint my heart with the oil of Your mercy,
my most merciful Lord.
May neither anger against the strong
nor scorning of the weak ever erupt in my heart!
For everything is weaker than the morning dew.
May hatred never make a nest in my heart
against those who plot evil against me,
so that I may be mindful of their end
and be at peace.

Morning Cloudscape Panama City Beach FL

Mercifulness opens the way
to the heart of all creatures,
and brings joy.
Mercilessness brings fog to the fore,
and creates a cramped isolation.
Have mercy on Your merciful servant,
most Tender Hand,
and reveal to me the mystery
of Your mercy.
The Ultimate Man
is the child of the Father’s mercy
and the Spirit’s light.

A dancing hermit crab, at low tide. Panama City Beach FL


All creation is merely a story about Him.
The mighty suns in the heavens
and the smallest drops of water in the lake
can in themselves be one part of the story about Him.
All the builders of heaven and earth,
from the exceedingly mighty Seraphim
to rulers and the tiniest particle of dust,
tell the very same story about Him,
their fore-essence and fore-source.
What are all the things on the earth
and the moon except the sun in stories?
Truly, in this way
all visible and invisible creation
is the Ultimate Man in stories.

Wind Swept Salt Grass, Cape San Blas, Fl


Essence is simple,
but there is no end or number
to the stories about essence.
My neighbors, how can I tell you about essence,
when you do not even understand stories.
Ah if you only knew how great the sweetness,
the expanse, and the strength are,
when one reaches the bottom of all the stories—there,
where the stories begin and where they end.
There, where the tongue is silent
and where everything is told at once!
How boring all the lengthy
and tedious stories of creatures become then!
Truly, they become just as boring
as it is for one who is accustomed
to seeing lightning to hear stories about lightning.

Evening Seas Sunset over the Gulf Panama City Beach FL

Receive me into Yourself,
O Only-Begotten Son,
so that I may be one with You
as I was before creation and the fall.
Let my long and weary story about You end
with a moment’s vision of You.
Let my self-deception die,
that would have me think that I am something without You,
that I am something else outside of You.
My ears are stuffed with stories.
My eyes no longer seek to see
any display of clothing but You,
my essence, overladen with stories and clothing.

from Prayers by the Lake

by St Nikolai Velimirovic

with a hat tip to The Handmaid at Christ is in our Midst

Labels: Florida, Prayers

June 29, 2009

The Anchor That Holds You

the anchor that held me, my newly forming Christian faith nurtured in the hothouse of Hosanna Calvary Chapel Bellflower California

How do we sink into hopelessness? A thousand ways. It can be one terrible event or a cascade of sorrows. We’re knocked off balance, then taken down too far to just get back up. It’s not that you don’t want to climb out of it, it’s that you feel helpless to act, you can’t figure out how to get past a loss, how to get back on top of your life.
Jennifer Hansen
Heart and Soul June 20, 2009

I held the brightly painted cup in my hand, the flowers of spring... tulips, hydrangeas and hyacinths decorated the pretty breakfast bowls and plates. A set of two, for a pair of newlyweds, that never celebrated the intimate breakfast times I envisioned. A wedding gift from a lady I came to know well, a lady I resemble now more than ever... I shed a tear for her, and for all of the lost dreams, as I quickly packed the dishes into the for sale box.

I dont think I ever understood her, as she lived her contrary life, at least to the way of thinking for the rest of the residents of Midway street. Originally from the Northeast she came to California to work in aerospace. She had a lucrative position with McDonald Douglas, and was making six figures...

She took her savings and money from her inheritance and bought tiny house on Midway street. She planted all sorts of growing things, and lived to herself...

One day the job went away, her savings lost in the dot come bust. She was a college grad, but couldn't get a interview..she had made too much money, was too eccentric, hated kids, so no teaching...She borrowed against her house to make needed repairs and to feed herself... months went by, years went by, until the money ran out.

The bank took a long time to foreclose and evict her. She held sales of her family antiques and I bought a few pieces, which I have enjoyed... some I am selling next month in my own sale to help defer my living expenses.

Barbara had no family left and we worried about where she would end up living. My little house had no extra space at 689 square feet. Most of the other had several kids, one had three generations under a small roof...

As we were having the neighborhood meeting, we failed to notice a shadowy figure leave a house that was known to the neighbor kids as the "haunted" house where the scary man lived... the scary man was Robert, once an engineer at Boeing, he had a Bi Polar episode that was so severe he was declared disabled. He gave up his apartment and moved into the desolate house that had stood vacant for the many years after his mother's death. He left the house to ride his bike to the market once in a while, go to the doctor on dial a ride or Barbara would take him...

Tattered and disheveled, he knocked on Barbara's door. The next thing you know Barbara is walking around to the overgrown gate pushing in to flatten the weeds and they went to the back. Behind the house was a large attached semi finished sun room. a small bathroom and outlets for electric were already there and required a touch of work to make them functional. Bob offered her the room, rent and utility free, in exchange for a bit of yard work... She needed a home... He needed the comfort of having a friend...we certainly had shamefully not extended our hands to him, but we did now. We neighbors pitched in, patched the roof, renovated the bootlegged bathroom. I donated fabrics, blankets and a large roll of used carpet that covered the cement slab. Barbara cleared the brush and weeds, and we all took plants from her gardens and transplanted them all over the neighborhood, and in Robert's yards. She also planted a large vegetable garden that helped to feed them both.

Barbara eventually became a perpetual student. She got grants and student jobs that helped to pay tuition and kept gas in her pick up truck. She would pick up part time work in the college library. Truthfully she thrived in the new situation with the release of her house and the academic environment. Robert came out more and joined in the gatherings of the local menfolk on Steve's driveway in the evenings... clean shaven and patched clothing courtesy of Barbara. Like a pair of cranky siblings they shared the house... Ten years later they were still in this arrangement as far as I know.

Barbara had the Anchor of Community to help her beat despair. I had two other friends that at the same time went through similar situations one a friend at Hosanna, who struggled with mental illness, lost her aerospace job and then her home. She became a student, a boarder in one home after another, then she was able to get a few small jobs, and lived alone for a short time. A few months ago she emailed me. Life in California had become too hard financially so she moved to Nebraska, to tend an elderly aunt and lives with her.

Another friend who has had a nearly two decade struggle with employment problems health problems and a very difficult life. We dated on and off for a time...He was brilliant, a former sound engineer with A&M, and RCA, a graphic artist that repaired backdrops for the movie industry, as well as ties to aerospace, which is what he was doing when we were together. He too was hopelessly eccentric, uber conservative ...we'd have verbal knock down drag outs over topics like speaking in tongues, eternal security and previenient grace. We desided we were unequally yoked dispensationally, and remained friends...He actually attended Woody's and my wedding. Once they closed the now infamous "skunkworks" in the San Fernando Valley, K. never had work in aerospace again. He worked odd jobs, sold things, and was badly injured in an accident. His injuries untreated because he had no health insurance.

He now lives in Death Valley with a long time roommate, in a home they bought for 4000.00 off ebay....Both men never married and are now retiree age and painfully disabled.. these three people have God as their anchor...I never understood their pain, their inability to cope, but I do now. And I am sorry that I failed to reach out to them when they needed me

I have hopes of finding work even still...I haven't given up hope. I too have an anchor that holds me...the understanding that God loves me, and will withhold no good thing from me, I just need to pray, trust, and go forth seeking the will of God... He is the anchor that holds me in the middle of the storms of life, and will be the Steersman that brings me home


Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?


We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand,
For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand;
And the cables, passed from His heart to mine,
Can defy that blast, thro’ strength divine.

Priscilla Ow­ens, 1882

Labels: California, Family History, Friends

June 28, 2009

Isaiah 55- Streams In The Desert

Summer Stream, Little Sugar Creek, near Bella Vista AR

“Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Labels: Bella Vista, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

June 25, 2009

The Man In The Shattered Mirror

Butterfly free...The Butterfly Farm Branson MO


I don't write much about celebrity, as I have had a life times fill of it... I have known a few individuals personally over the years, was privileged to have known a famous brother and sister duo who grew up in our town and were launched to stardom by my music instructor (I dont say who they were because their very name is copyrighted and I do not have permission to use it in any way)The tragic death of the sister was flat out due to her inability to cope with the increasing pressure of celebrity... She acted out to try to deal with the stress and it killed her. I was 17 and her death haunted me and my friends as we considered music as a career path. My circle knew that none of us were "all that" and became wives, accountants, teachers,engineers and artists of other kinds.... But as far as I know most of us still love music and remember school girl dreams

As I wrote in June of 05, of Michael Jackson I thought then that he wouldn't live to see his children grow up. How sad that his life was so messed up. Yes he did a lot of it to himself but he was also disturbed, troubled by a horrible upbringing and lots of abuse.

His music was the soundtrack to my young adult life and often when I think about that time I hear tracks from "Thriller" in my head. Michael Jackson had an amazing talent. No matter what this is true. Noone had ever done the things that he did and he changed popular music forever...

As consumers of the art of these performers we forget the human side, and how God loves them too and perhaps the broad road of pop icondom is the hardest one to overcome, to come to a place of saving Grace... My prayer is that God would have mercy on his soul, and that we as Christians insted of blindly condeming what we see in the media, that we would stop and pray for these people that they would see beyond the blinding glare of fame, and know that without God nothing in this life is worth having...That life is short and fame even more fleeting, only with the help of God can one be strong enough to endure in the face of the pressures of public life. Or else you end up like The Man in the Mirror, a shattered life a shattered dream a promise unfofilled, talent wasted and ultimatly eternity alone... no amount of fame is worth that

Labels: Current Events

June 23, 2009

Moments of Maybe

My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.

....Now we are being asked
to begin a journey
in which we have become comfortable...

Sometimes I wish God would just...
....stop doing this!...

I have a favorite chair...
My furniture fits in this house...
My dogs are familiar in this place...
I know how to find the things that I lose....
But... here we go again...

Then,
Somewhere
in the midst of all of
all of the mind numbing flurry
a remembered whisper

"Your favorite chair can be moved
and still be just as comfortable
You home is only a home
because I Am there.

Where do you think I Am going?

Being known is a matter of connection
not time or geography
And as for things lost...
Aren't they always?
When have I failed to find you?"

So...
May we begin this adventure.
I promise to hold on to you
if you will hold onto me
Let us give thanks together
For God, through Jesus Christ
has held us and will hold us forever!

from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment"
by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009

It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...

Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.

My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.

But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.

So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...

I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....

Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...

In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.

Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds

Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR

Labels: Bella Vista, California, Family History, Friends, Pear Tree Cottage, Poem

June 22, 2009

True Friendship

The empty pulpit First United Methodist Church, Bella Vista AR

"A friend is you needs answered"... Kahlil Gibran

I found this wonderful quote a while back, which I think sums up the feelings of many in my church at the departure of our Pastor and friend, David. We wish him and his family well in their new appointment, and will miss them terribly... A sermon seemed an appropriate send off even though it was written 700 years ago, by one of Italy's great preachers of the day, Blessed Simon Fidati, of Cascia...

"A friend comes to the rescue in time of need,and if he is aware of the truth of friendship, he directs his friend just as if he were himself and puts his own members at his disposal if he has lost his. A true friend is better than a treasure, for he is not vulnerable to thieves and robbers. A friend is a lighted coal, and if placed beside it, it can rekindle a dead one. A true friend gives more attention to friendship than to the person that he is disposed to be friendly. For indeed, the person often disappoints, but the friendship is always the same. If a friend looks on a friend as the highest cause of friendship, he never can bring about a separation, even thought the person's bad behavior had deserved it, but he will wait for an improvement, or when the wrong doing merits it, for a suppression.

A true friend is a vehicle upon which the mind of the other friend invisibly carries,
and the friend is carried, and it is remarkable to see how from the two of them there emerge two who carry and two who are carried. Christian friendship, which alone indeed is true, is a glorious crown of good deeds and gives trust in life, a protection and a staff supporting even those who have shown weakness, a sure refuge, a haven from the seas, release from prison, freedom from slavery, an invaluable abode of divine protection, a tower of safety, a vineyard of joy, an ever fertile field, a pleasure garden of consolation, a repository of perfumes, a full storehouse, a apiary of honey... a mirror of brightness and an intellectual vision, a bride by one's side whom the comfort's of life are shared, a pious mother, an obliging attendant, a ready handmaid, a convenient body guard, a favorable bathing place, a spring of living water, an unsleeping guard against evil, prudence in the midst of good...

a bond with life...

Christian friendship is very broad in its generality, for it is extended to all without exception or distinction, and with those with whom one cannot share one's life along the way one hopes rather to achieve this in the fatherland of heaven. One can move in this direction also though certain knowledge and frequent communication or through outstanding virtue, because virtue itself is indeed only another name for that which is the greatest of the virtues, that is love. But what is true friendship if not Christian love? For if true friendship is exchanged between God and us, between human beings and angels, between human beings and human beings, true friendship then is love.

Godspeed my friend, and don't be a stranger.. our eyes already hunger for your face...

Labels: Friends, UMC

June 21, 2009

1 Peter 5:1-11 Departing Thoughts To A Faithful Shepard

The Outdoor Chapel Mt Sequoyah United Mehodist Conference Center Fayetteville AR

Shepherd the Flock of God

So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Labels: Emmaus, Faith, Friends, Scenic Arkansas, scripture, UMC

June 10, 2009

Prayer of a Common Man

Final resting place... Church of the Holy Cross, Holy Cross KY

Daddy put in his forty years,
got his gold watch,
and then they sent him home.
I never knew what a struggle was like
until I cried tears on his stone.
He was just a cog in their wheel
lived and died on the layaway plan.
But Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

A little girl needed braces bad
and it cost a couple thousand bucks.
She has a beautiful smile
but it’ll be awhile on my new
used pickup truck.
This house of cards I built
is mortgaged to the hilt
and its sinking in the sand.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

I’m not looking for charity,
I just need some clarity.
I’ve got people counting on me.
And I’m tired that’s all
I’m up against the wall.
Lord hear me when I call.

Alleluia.
I know your up there.
Alleluia.
I know you care.
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Oh Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.
Lord hear the prayer of this Common Man.
Phil Vassar

I am constantly reminded that I am not alone in my quest for stability, both personal and financial. The whole country seems to be in a mode of anxiety, and concern. I cannot remember the 70's being this crazy as the Recession and Inflation cycles made life so very difficult for many people then. There were plant closings and runaway inflation, high interest rates, and taxes... There were a lot of poor people, and even more now. Many of these people were the ones screaming for "Change".... Well we have change for the worst, and for so many like myself, where the funds are running low, the frustration level is enormous. I wonder if we will see the riots and upsets that go on in other countries... but perhaps I am off there. My friend Norma, at the blog Collecting my Thoughts has a great post on this subject... I try to limit my news watching and newspaper reading, because the spin doctors are working as hard as they can to ratchet up fear so that the Powers That Be can do as they will. For the life of me I cannot understand how the Governmentcan just buy and sell businesses, tell businesses how to run themselves and how without any oversight by lawmakers all of this takes place... I am not an expert in any of this. Frankly I don't think there are any experts in the house running things...

We are like those in the Old Testament, all doing whats right in our own eyes..., and we have for a long time,We stopped living as or forefathers did, in a Godly fashion and have taken for granted the blessings given to us by God. While things are good, this is thought to be OK, but now that things are not so good we want a King to rule over us, just as Israel did, years ago. Read....

Fist Samuel Chapter 8

Israel Demands a King
1When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel.2The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba.3Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.

4Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah5and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.”6But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” And Samuel prayed to the Lord.7And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them.8According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you.9Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them.”

Samuel's Warning Against Kings
10So Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking for a king from him.11He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots.12And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots.13He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers.14He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants.15He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants.16He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men [fn1] and your donkeys, and put them to his work.17He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves.18And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

The Lord Grants Israel's Request
19But the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, “No! But there shall be a king over us,20that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.”21And when Samuel had heard all the words of the people, he repeated them in the ears of the Lord.22And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey their voice and make them a king.” Samuel then said to the men of Israel, “Go every man to his city.”

We will be like all of the other nations, living in a Socialized, nationalized over taxed and nanny stated suffocation. We will be enslaved to the government in many ways. While I resent the excessive intrusion we have seen in recent days, I am a supporter of change in the healthcare system, and going to a flat consumption tax so that everyone pays a fair share. But I have a real problem with the nationalization of industry, the banking system and agriculture ( a reality since the farm subsidy programs were put into place back in the 30's) but it is not up to me, or to a single party... it is not something we can change without a radical change of thinking among all people in our country. The fruits of the labors of many Americans are not adequate to pay for basics of housing medical care and retirement costs. Solutions will have to be sought for those who work hard but are beggared by a medical emergency costs. A flat tax would bring in enough resouces to pay for the programs that will provide a safety net for those that are trying to take care of themselves.

I meet more and more people in this long strange journey that I am currently on. People that are really trying to be self sustaining and not taking advantage of the system. People like myself that are looking for work, but dont have unemployment due to loopholes in the rules, or other factors. People like me that need some assistance to keep gas in the tank and the phone on, so they can seek employment. Getting food from food pantries is a great blessing but I have an abundance of good food to eat, what I need is a stipend so I can keep my internet on. Many countries provide a small living allowence to everyone who needs it. I think we need that here in the US as well.

We need to start caring about the common man, not about corporate executives who ran their corporations into the ground, or bloated institutions that have long ceased caring for its customers, employees or shareholders...

On a positive note, the news ran stories about families taking in the chiildren of other church members so that the kids would stay out of foster care...and closer to home, families taking in out of work singles and couples to keep them off the streets. I have several people thinking about the logistics of this sort of situation for me. I have a number of promising leads working with regards to employment, sadly none of them will pay enough for me to keep the cottage even to rent it at the current price, let alone buy it.

I will take any job that I am offered. I know that whatever God provides for me will be enough for me...its up to me to find a way to live on that amount. It seems to be the way of the world these days...the way of the common man

Labels: Faith, Kentucky, Pear Tree Cottage, scripture, working

June 07, 2009

Psalm 50~ Let Me Praise The Living God

Stormy Pastures Near Centerton AR



The Mighty One, God the Lord,
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun to its setting.
Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines forth.

Our God comes; he does not keep silence;
before him is a devouring fire,
around him a mighty tempest.
He calls to the heavens above
and to the earth, that he may judge his people:
“Gather to me my faithful ones,
who made a covenant with me by sacrifice!”
The heavens declare his righteousness,
for God himself is judge! Selah

“Hear, O my people, and I will speak;
O Israel, I will testify against you.
I am God, your God.8Not for your sacrifices do I rebuke you;
your burnt offerings are continually before me.
I will not accept a bull from your house
or goats from your folds.
For every beast of the forest is mine,
the cattle on a thousand hills.
I know all the birds of the hills,
and all that moves in the field is mine.

“If I were hungry, I would not tell you,
for the world and its fullness are mine.
Do I eat the flesh of bulls
or drink the blood of goats?
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,
and perform your vows to the Most High,
and call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”

But to the wicked God says:
“What right have you to recite my statutes
or take my covenant on your lips?
For you hate discipline,
and you cast my words behind you.
If you see a thief, you are pleased with him,
and you keep company with adulterers.

“You give your mouth free rein for evil,
and your tongue frames deceit.
You sit and speak against your brother;
you slander your own mother's son.
These things you have done, and I have been silent;
you thought that I was one like yourself.
But now I rebuke you and lay the charge before you.

“Mark this, then, you who forget God,
lest I tear you apart, and there be none to deliver!
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
to one who orders his way rightly
I will show the salvation of God!”

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

June 05, 2009

Living in Fourth Day

Spring Rainbow Centerton AR

The message of the First Day on The Walk to Emmaus was the Grace of God, each Talk, while focusing on different themes, helped you understand how God's Grace works and how you could be a more fruitful person by opening yourself up to God's grace.

The Second Day is is often called the Jesus Day. Jesus is presented as a model for your life and living, through the various talks and acts of Agape. You are invited at that point to make a deeper commitment to Him.

The Third Day or the Sending Forth Day You are challenged to adopt the the vocation as a Christian, to be Christ in the World, through the adoption of various practices disciplines and commitments to a life of piety and devotion, persevering in that life until we are united with Him eternally.

Until then, we live in Fourth Day... It is the journey of faith that continues the rest of one's life. It is the living out of what it means to be a disciple and follower of Jesus. It is about being real, being accountable and being willing to trust Him in all things...

Drawn from the book "Day Four... The Pilgrim's Continued Journey", by Robert Wood Chapter four "The Message of Emmaus"...

Pastor David..."So Hoku, where are you living now?"
Hokulea... "I'm living in Fourthday..."
Pastor David..."Thats a great answer..." he gave me a weak, weary smile, turned and walked away to his vacated office...

I am being called brave, courageous, a living saint even... I kid you not, but really all I am is a very frightened woman, who has been in some very bad spots at times in her life, but the one she is in now is pretty darn bad. But the truth is, I cant stay long faced for too long, it causes me to get wrinkles that are un needed and unwanted.... Staying down leads to a negative energy that will ruin any chance that I have to turn my life around. Even though things are as bad as I have ever had in my life... I need to smile and be glad for what I do have.

I have my health. People say I never looked better. I have my sobriety. I dont talk much about it because I was never a true alchoholic or addict, but rather I made a chioce that these things were not for me and I choose daily to live, feel and experience pain rather than numb it with addiction... I have a great home that I really want to hang onto. I have my Abigail... the cutest little mutt-let a gal could ever want. I have a good vehicle, skills in demand. I have opportunities I can at least apply for. I had lady call me to help her and is paying me by the hour, another gal got wind of a part time job that while doesnt pay much, exposes me to the sorts of people that may have a need for a person on their staff. Agencies are aware of the need to get me something and resumes are out there... I have a huge number... hundreds of people praying for me, and dozens of people who have committed to being there for me. I am obligated to call anyone of them if I feel too overwhelmed...and yes it it pretty overwhelming at times...

I know that if I dont get work soon I must make some very hard choices, some that might be pretty disagreeable, but I need to do it. I am holding out hope that I will get some work and that I will get to stay on here. In the mean time I am cleaning out, throwing out and selling items Im not using....Im getting ready for a move...and if I dont need to move, my load is lighter and my purse is fuller.

Should I get work it will postpone moving, but not take it off of the table until I feel secure in that position. This could be a while considering how things are in this world. I may need to move into a cheaper abode no matter what.

But until I know anything I will try my best to stay in Fourth day. That means not being overly concerned about the future... Plan yes but dont obsess...cry yes but get up and do something. Tell people what your needs are so they can gain the blessing of helping you, but tell Jesus as well... Prayer, the Word and worship... I sing all of the time, pray all of the time, and want to put God in charge of everything that I do...

When its all said and done... Wither I look back on this while living in NW Arkansas Texas or wherever, I will praise God for bringing me through... In my house, or living in a new place, living with friends or my family... I know that God is with me and has not left me. I write this to remind myself of this true thing. Yes there will be down days, days that feel hopeless, depressing days... But there are also ecstatic days, days full of promise and days filled with hope... I laugh a lot, hug the puppy and hope that the next phone call will be the one I have been waiting for...

Keep praying people... something is about to happen I just feel it...

De Colores!

Labels: Abigail, Dreams, Emmaus, Faith, working

June 02, 2009

Too Many Nevers

Afternoon Surf... North Shore Oahu

Post started 5-29-09

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to you mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart..."

Frederick Buechner, "Whistling in the Dark" with a hat tip to Rev. David Fleming

Its been a really tough week...maybe one of the toughest weeks of my life. I just cant hardly believe that so much is going on at once. When I pause to think about it The torrent of greif, fear and sadness floods over me. I dont know how long I can continue this way, I really need a break, and God is the only one who can help me with that...

There have been "never again moments" all week long... every day I have had some and the tears have been non stop. Is this good? Maybe... The grief release is probably just what I need right now.

Well Hoku, I have had word that the Tribunal is set to do a final consideration at the Magesterial Court in Oaklahoma City, its a formality, and I am certain that you will get your annulment....

and with that, Monday was the end of my marriage to the Engineer. While this was a much sought after situation my heart twinged just a touch at the thought that in this life on earth or in heaven we were never truly married in the eyes of God or the church. For I loved him, like I have loved no other... he was fun and exciting and it was never a dull moment. I can still see his bright blue eyes and hear him calling to me with terms of endearment, something Woody rarely did. We have been apart 20 years this December yet it seems like only yesterday that we were together living yes not the life God would have had us live but we were in love and I have missed that all of this time...I doubt that I will know such crazy love again and I long for it sometimes when I hear the wild child I was howling in my soul....

I know this is very hard but no matter what we are going to forclosure on your home...you need to figure out how you are going to make the payments because if you dont there will be additional charges, to the tune of thousands of dollars...

The disaster of last tuesday is still haunting me...Not only am I losing the home Woody is living in but I am losing my home because I dont have the resources now to keep going here. two houses two homes... two people homeless. Its unbelievable. But I saw this coming last year...there was a part of me that hoped that Woody would feel the fear, the pain I felt... What a fool I was because a man that is numb from the chin down wont feel anything no matter what. Woody told me that afternoon that he no longer loved me that he felt nothing and that he didnt care that he didnt feel. Later on he called and tried to comfort me. But the emptiness, the lonliness and the loss... that I am losing a home and a husband sent me into a tailspin. I am also losing a false security, a false life really, that I held for years and I will never know that sort of comfort again

"Oh Hoku, she made me not tell you... Jean was like that you know. She was private to the extreme. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in March. She said she called you at Easter, that was a goodbye call. She went into Hospice and died peacefully this morning. She had very little pain..."

Aunt Betty Grace, was so upset, and I cried my heart out. Aunt Jean was 90 and full of days. I know she was with the Lord, and with her beloved Peter. But I will miss her. She was a living link to my father and his life. In the years since she regained the ability to be in touch with us, (she struggled with very severe mental illness most of her life...)she shared bits and peices of a different life and a different time. Most of all I hear words that ment a lot to me. She would remind me that my Dad loved me. I heard it more from her than I ever heard it directly from him

I cried not because I wasnt informed but because I cannot remember a word of that last conversation, and I took it for granted that I would speak to her again. I always told her that I loved her, and yes, the "never" of not being able to tell her that I love her again is a bittersweet.

The Judge:"This divorce is being petitioned on the basis of non consumation...
Ms. Kealoha...how long were you married to Mr.W?
13 years, sir...
You have my condolences, and your freedom upon the end of his hearing. You petition is granted..."

I dont think I need to elaborate with regards to my relationship with Woody. We are both glad that this is over and that we were couragous enough to tell the truth with regards to my resons for a divorce. The statements on those divorce papers belie the good times...the adventures, and the experience that we had.

There are those in my life who say "good riddance" but Woody is not trash to be thrown out. He is a broken person. He is a lost person, and sadly he has no one to help him. So its my hope to help him find some resources this week while I am looking out for myself. I wont be at peace if I think that Woody isnt in a safe place.so I am hoping to find him an advocate at the VA to start his disability paperwork.

I also have begun to work on the Magesterial Annulment for Woody's and my marriage. I may not actually need the same type of paperwork because I was technically never free to marry him in the first place, by cannon law.

The "never" is that while I was never a wife in fact, the divorce ends the waiting the praying the hoping that God would somehow repair the brokeness, and make the relationship into what it should have been. It makes me sad that this did not happen, it is not going to happen and by being honesst about it now I am free to find happiness where I will.

They know...For we all believed what my Father told us all one night in our living room... we were still in High School and one of our friends asked him if the women in his life still ment something to him and Dad said "yes" "If you truly loved someone and you think about them then they and their love for you and your love for them never dies"...

In my friends moving to Pine Bluff, my confronting the idea that I may need to move to Texas and not see my friends here in NW Arkansas again, the "nevers" regarding my quandry are enormous There have been too many "nevers" to confront this week. Please pray for my state of mind and for my job search. Having employment would go along way to improving my peace of mind....

6-2-09 There are a lot of people praying I can feel it as I move through my days. My mental state is a lot better. I am processing the grief, allowing it to register, but not impede my progress... in other words I would love to roll up in a little ball and stay that way but I cannot. I choose to survive this and that means action. I had 4 interviews yesterday including one out of the blue that is so amazing, that if I get this job it will be a dream come true and a LOT of work. But I am ready for that. This of course would resolve my housing situation, however because things are iffy still please pray. I have two different housing situations possible and the third being staying in place. Will know more in a few days.

Labels: Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Woody, working

May 31, 2009

1 Corinthians 12:3b-7,12-13~The Gift of The Spirit

Fire in the sky a flaming sunset over the Ozarks Holiday Island AR


and no one can say “Jesus is Lord” except in the Holy Spirit.

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord;and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit,to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit,to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.


For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

May 28, 2009

In The Midst of Maybe

Misty Summer Morning near Vaugan AR

Bank Vice President..."Hoku, Im sorry but the fine print in the loan allows us to do what we have to to recover any past due payments, we took what we needed to satisfy the terms of the agreement..."

And with that my future here in Northwest Arkansas has been fast tracked... I heard these words and the amount of money that they took, and realized that I was on borrowed time. I need a miracle, a job and soon. That is a tall order when the official unemployment is 6.5 but really it is thought to be as high at 9.5% because of all of the contracted Walmart labor that has no work and is scratching like everyone else...

It was 5 pm, too late for me to do anything last night. I freaked out went into shock really, sort of like when I realized that my business wasn't going to happen and all of the money sweat and effort that went into that venture out the door. Panic attacks... I went to see Woody and while he was not sympathetic...he wanted half of my savings all along, but still in all he was supportive of my pain, which is serious

I went on to Accountability group where I laid out my problem before the others, it dampened the discussion. I was prayed for and encouraged, but like so often in my life, no one knows quite what to do with Me appreciated all of the praying and words of support...but there is nothing really practical that can be said. I am a month away from homelessness and this gets to people but they aren't sure how to help you.

If I only had a job...any job... I apply and apply and nothing. No call backs, nothing. I feel useless and worthless like all that I have done over the years counts for nothing...

I got home from church and I called everyone, I called my therapist, my friends and emailed my cousin in Houston and my Aunt in Austin. People called me...my Pastor's wife and friend..another friend and Woody who realized that he missed the mark when talking to me and tried to console me...

My therapist called me with some leads one of which was a place called Samaritan House a ministry of Fellowship Bible Church one of the areas largest churches. I called just to see what assistance they might have that would help me. I spoke to a case worker that wanted me to come in and have a meal and talk to someone. So I did.

It was food pantry day and people came in to get food. I told the lady "encourager" that food want really what I needed but she asked me to take it anyway as "this is what they did" so I said yes to that. I was surprised later and the quality of the product I received including hygiene products dish soap and paper goods... they even put in something for Abigail. Since I didn't need the shampoo soaps and ladies supplies, I put them out for the food drive today that a local group was collecting for, and added a few things from my own cabinets since I was so enriched by my visit.

But what I really needed I didn't get which is work. Several people took my card took down what I did and that I needed some work now. I also had a chance to talk to a LCSW about my situation.. her comment was that I had all four of life's most difficult challenges on my plate at that moment, ( They are loss of spouse, loss of home, loss of employment, and loss through death...my Aunt Jean passed away this week I was notified just as I pulled into Samaritan House's driveway)...You should only deal with these issues one at a time one a year for the sake of your health. I have been in suffering and grief for so long that my soul is dried up and damaged I am hurting my health, and hurting those around me. I feel doubld over in emotional and sometimes physical pain. My "bleating" is getting annoying to some, and others, especially those in the workplace who feel guilty or shall I say superior to those of us less fortunate...not realizing that they too can suffer the same fate. Lose you job, burn up your savings and find your self sleeping on cardboard. Lots of that in places like Sacramento, Elkhart and sadly my fair Louisville, where unemployment is not going to improve until they get the Ford plant up and running. I am glad that I am here.

I ate the hot meal and talked at length with the volunteer that sat with me. It was left overs from our local Red Lobster... a really fine meal actually, I enjoyed mine heartily. I have never eaten on a soup line before. It was a strange moment. I was dressed for job hunting and the others being served there would stop and sort of stare at me a moment and then ignore me. I looked very out of place. I realized that this was the reverse of how I reacted years ago to those on the lines of our giant food ministry at Hosanna Calvary Chapel. I wondered how all of those people didnt manange when some how I did...That may be the lesson I am needing to learn right now. That its not always within your control to manage your circumstances. Only God can judge that... I gave thanks for the food and resolved to, as a penetential act for my pride and willfullness, to eat there insted of fast food meals on job hunting days when they are open. It is a wiser use of my funds and the fellowship is something that I need just now. Maybe I can overcome my fears by associating with other overcommers, like the single mom that was at the table next to me... or the seinor couple that lives in their car because they are not quite old enough for Social Security. I saw my mother struggle, and deplored her begging for help... now the shoe is on the other foot and I think this is very good for me to consider...

I felt love all the way throught the process. I spoke to the head of the Counseling division who felt it was a shame I wasnt working took my resume and said hed work on finding me a place even if it was part time. There are other housing arrangements being discussed as of this writing. I am trying to stay in Fourth Day, do not anticipate tomorrow, because it is not here yet...

And so I sit "in the midst of maybe" not sure exactly what to do next, other than pray, wait, and start to let go of things places and people that are precious to me as another big change may be comming my way. Most of all I need to continue in my quest of learing to trust in a loving God that knows what is going to happen to us and lets nothing happen that is not for our good... I can depend on that...

Labels: Abigail, Faith, Friends, Personal Growth, working

May 25, 2009

A Soldier's Prayer~A Memorial Day Tribute

Lest We Forget - American Cemetery Normandy
The American Battle Monuments Commission administers, operates, and maintains twenty-four permanent American burial grounds on foreign soil. Presently there are 124,917 U.S. War Dead interred at these cemeteries, 30,922 of World War I, 93,245 of World War II and 750 of the Mexican War.

The World War II Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial is situated on a cliff overlooking Omaha Beach and the English Channel in Colleville-sur Mer, France. It is just east of St. Laurent-sur-Mer and northwest of Bayeux about one hundred and seventy miles west of Paris.

The cemetery contains the graves of 9,387 American military Dead, most of whom gave their lives during the landings and ensuing operations of World War II.

An S.A.S. Soilder's Prayer

I bring this prayer to You, Lord,
For You alone can give
What one cannot demand from oneself

Give me, Lord,what You have left over
Give me what no one ever asks You for.

I dont ask You for rest,
Or quiet,
Whether of soul or body;
I dont ask You for wealth,
Nor for success,
Nor even health perhaps,
That sort of thing You get asked for so much
That You cant have any of it left...

Give me, Lord, what You have left over,
Give me what no one wants from You...

I want insecurity and strife
And I want You to give me these
Once and for all
So that I can be sure of having them always
Since I shall not always have the courage
To ask You for them

Give me Lord what You have left over
Give me what others want nothing to do with

But give me courage too...
And strenght and faith
For You alone can give
What one cannot demand from oneself.

Lieutenant Andre Zirnheld (d. 1941)

Lt. Zirnheld was a college philosophy professor before WWII, in which he served in the British S.A.S.. This prayer was found on his body when he was killed in action in Lybia in 1941

Labels: Catholic, Prayers, Quotable Quotes, Traveling

May 24, 2009

Isaiah 41:1-6,8-13, 17-20~ The Lord Will Deliver His Friend

Mysterious Island Near Kaneohe Oahu Hawaii


Listen to me in silence,
O coastlands;
let the peoples renew their strength;
let them approach, then let them speak;
let us together draw near for judgment.

Who stirred up one from the east
whom victory meets at every step?
He gives up nations before him,
so that he tramples kings underfoot;
he makes them like dust with his sword,
like driven stubble with his bow.
He pursues them and passes on safely,
by paths his feet have not trod.
Who has performed and done this,
calling the generations from the beginning?
I, the Lord, the first,
and with the last; I am he.

The coastlands have seen and are afraid;
the ends of the earth tremble;
they have drawn near and come.
Everyone helps his neighbor
and says to his brother, “Be strong!”

But you, my friend;
you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Behold, all who are incensed against you
shall be put to shame and confounded;
those who strive against you
shall be as nothing and shall perish.
You shall seek those who contend with you,
but you shall not find them;
those who war against you
shall be as nothing at all.
For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”

When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

May 21, 2009

Dont Look Now....

Abigail Valentine in her play pen


Guess who's just arrived!

Actually she will have been here a week or so. Abigail is doing famously well. First, she is a beauty. She is not still long enough for me to get a good picture of her and she needs a groom so she wont look so much like a muskrat.

While she is Annabelle's full sister, and is as sweet natured as her sister was, Abi is just "more" of what Bella was... I sense a great soul in this dog. She is easy to love and easy to do for... I somewhat resented the 3 am potty break the other Abigail needed. Abi is so good that if she cries at night persistantly... she needs to go, and will go right away when we go out. Then we get right back into our respective beds and that is it... She is very good about not crying when she is crated... This little girl will sleep thought the night most nights and has had zero...count em, zero accidents. Pretty amazing when you consider that she is three months old and this is her first week here. Yes I have been home to see that she gets out every few hours, but the difference between her and the first Abigail is like night and day. Hats off to Pam and her training methods people cant hardly believe it when I tell them...

I also believe that God had a plan. This little girl was waiting for me. All I needed to do was to wait for God to get her ready. She is going to be fine even if I start work next week...she could probably do a whole day in her crate just like Annabelle did and not be bothered too much. I wil admit she does seem to have a touch of a separation issue, she cries and runs about looking for me like a small child that has wandered off in the department store looking for her Mom. She finds me and flings herself up in a sort of reckless abandon... I always cuddle her and tell her how much I love her...

Because I do.

How easy it seems to be for me to give my heart away these days... It seems like the only thing that I have left to give...

Labels: Abigail

May 17, 2009

Psalm 39~ My Hope Is in You

Summer Flowers Riverfront Park Botanical Gardens Louisville Kentucky


I said to myself, "I will watch what I do
and not sin in what I say.
I will curb my tongue
when the ungodly are around me."

But as I stood there in silence-
not even speaking of good things-
the turmoil within me grew to the bursting point.

My thoughts grew hot within me
and began to burn,
igniting a fire of words:

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered,
and that my life is fleeing away.

My life is no longer than the width of my hand.
An entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
human existence is but a breath."
Interlude



We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth for someone else to spend.



And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you.

Rescue me from my rebellion,
for even fools mock me when I rebel.

I am silent before you; I won't say a word.
For my punishment is from you.

Please, don't punish me anymore!
I am exhausted by the blows from your hand.

When you discipline people for their sins,
their lives can be crushed like the life of a moth.
Human existence is as frail as breath.
Interlude



Hear my prayer, O Lord!
Listen to my cries for help!
Don't ignore my tears.
For I am your guest-
a traveler passing through,
as my ancestors were before me.

Spare me so I can smile again
before I am gone and exist no more.

Labels: Louisville, scripture

May 15, 2009

Seasonal Changes

Peaceful Beach Edisto Island South Carolina

I havent said much about what is going on with my life other than the events of the past few weeks... The Walk and going out to meet Abigail. Its not been easy but I am hopeing that the economy is picking up a bit and that maybe I will get settles into a job soon

The position that I had at the apartment complex ended abruptly when a new management company come into power and fired every last one of the staff from the previous management company. I worked through an agency so I thought that I might survive the cut... Doesnt seem to be the case as the new manager hasnt reached out to the agency and I am not allowed to do so. The most frustrating part of this is that I am now less than one week away from being eligible to reopen my unemployment claim. I need to work 21 hours more thats all. So I am prayed for some work this week I really need it, I just got one days work, which turned into enough hours to go to unemployment so we shall see if I get anymore work next week.

I took the 35 hour Property and Casualty insurance class this past week. The material was as dry a bone as I have ever had to chew but the instructor was a gem and I managed to get through the week and retain a large amount of the materiel and actually do better than pass a practice exam. My paperwork has been rejected, so I turned it around and returned it after I got the corrections done. I need to buy the disc so I can take the practice tests and stay sharp

Sunday was Mother's Day, a day I usually ditch as churches are so into this day. Not that I dont think Mothers are heros, they are for the most part. I just feel like I am not a part of the group on that day, sort of a second class member. Not in this church. I think with the large number of seinors, people who have lost their kids and wives...its a hard hard day. So while congrats are given that is about the extent of it... I had a invite to lunch with the pastor and his family, which was a welcome diversion for a tough day. They were exhausted from a whirlwind drive to Pine Bluff to investigate High Schools, measure every inch of the Parsonage they are moving into, and get a tour of this city that is the home town of one of my friends at church who went with them. What a treat for her to get to see her parents and be with friends she will miss as much as I once they move. they got back at 3 am saturday, then worked a yard sale to try to get rid of some of the excess stuff they have. Sunday being a long morning, we just sat and basked in good food and each other's company. It really helped me get through a hard day

Come the next week I was able to secure a few days work at a Walmart Vendor Support Firm. I and three others spent three grueling days trying to call 1500 stores to confirm delivery and set up of a promotional lot of baby formula. It is so difficult to get someone to answer and have the proper information that out of the hundreds of numbers dialed my daily average of compleated stores was 40, pretty low. I found that some states were better at getting the information and others couldnt care less that I was calling from Home Office

My house is a changed place, I went to the Walk a few weeks ago the trees surrounding my house were blooming like nothing I have ever seen before, but once I came home four days later the leaves had all opened up and now I feel like I am living in a tree house surronded by green leaves. My hope is growing along with the leaves. I have got to hang onto it, and pray for God's creative work in my life to come through

Labels: Faith

May 10, 2009

Jude1:3-25~A Call to Persevere

Against The Sky near centerton AR


Beloved, although I was very eager to write to you about our common salvation, I found it necessary to write appealing to you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints.For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.

Now I want to remind you, although you once fully knew it, that Jesus, who saved a people out of the land of Egypt, afterward destroyed those who did not believe.And the angels who did not stay within their own position of authority, but left their proper dwelling, he has kept in eternal chains under gloomy darkness until the judgment of the great day—just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire.

Yet in like manner these people also, relying on their dreams, defile the flesh, reject authority, and blaspheme the glorious ones.But when the archangel Michael, contending with the devil, was disputing about the body of Moses, he did not presume to pronounce a blasphemous judgment, but said, “The Lord rebuke you.”But these people blaspheme all that they do not understand, and they are destroyed by all that they, like unreasoning animals, understand instinctively.Woe to them! For they walked in the way of Cain and abandoned themselves for the sake of gain to Balaam's error and perished in Korah's rebellion.These are blemishes on your love feasts, as they feast with you without fear, looking after themselves; waterless clouds, swept along by winds; fruitless trees in late autumn, twice dead, uprooted;wild waves of the sea, casting up the foam of their own shame; wandering stars, for whom the gloom of utter darkness has been reserved forever.

It was also about these that Enoch, the seventh from Adam, prophesied, saying, “Behold, the Lord came with ten thousands of his holy ones,to execute judgment on all and to convict all the ungodly of all their deeds of ungodliness that they have committed in such an ungodly way, and of all the harsh things that ungodly sinners have spoken against him.”These are grumblers, malcontents, following their own sinful desires; they are loud-mouthed boasters, showing favoritism to gain advantage.

A Call to Persevere

But you must remember, beloved, the predictions of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ.They said to you, “In the last time there will be scoffers, following their own ungodly passions.”It is these who cause divisions, worldly people, devoid of the Spirit.But you, beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit;keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.And have mercy on those who doubt;save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh.

Doxology

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy,to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

May 05, 2009

My Lil' Valentine

My Little Valentine
Known as Susi in the kennel, born on Valentine's Day. I am going to reuse the name Abigail...She seemed to like it! She is a full sister to my Annabelle. Interesting how different she looks, but I see the same eyes, and tiny turned up nose, the crooked little smile...

I drove out in the pouring rain to meet this little girl. She and her sister as well as her two brothers were available to view, and I thought that I was up to sitting with the puppies and seeing how things went. Some grieving puppy parents come out two and three times before they settle on a new friend...

I am learning that this process is a process. Abigail, the first Abigail was a good girl, she just needs a lot more attention than I was going to be able to offer her. Two retiree ladies that share a house have taken her home, and other than her one nasty habit she is doing well. I didnt notice any of this batch of puppies indulging in that, for which I am glad. Poop eating is a sign of stress, which didnt seem present, even thought the puppies have been cooped up for days because of the pouring rain here. The night before there were tornado sightings out in the area, which is about 45 miles west of Fort Smith.

I drove out alone. I dont usually make such long drives this is a 325 mile round tripper. John wasnt wanting to go with me, so I made the choice the drive on my own. Even with the rain I was amazed at how beautiful the countryside. The green of the grass and tree leaves is so bright it jars the eyes. Water flowing down the hillsides and the rocky outcrops along the 540 highway. I plodded along and listened to John Michael Talbot's worship recording... The lightning strikes at key moments made it all seem surreal

I was glad to be alone. I needed to have time to think, time to pray and time to cry a little. I have had a lot to think about this week, lots of change, lots of conviction about areas of my life that I know need work spiritually. Lots of concerns about friends about the future at the church.





I spent 4 hours in the puppy barn. Because the weather has been so bad, the little darlings had been cooped up in the viewing area with blankets and towels to wee on. The smell was pretty intense. Pam didnt want photos taken of the mess, I wish I could show you all what this whole experience is like because it is delightful. She had her cleaning clothes on so she cleaned while I played with puppies. There is nothing like having a swirling mass of little beings that want nothing more than to get your attention... "Pick Me! Pick Me!" as they yip and pull at my shoelaces, and tumble over each other in reckless abandon. I think every child should have this experience once in their life, it is very sweet and wonderful, all of those little faces looking expectantly at me. This is not a puppy mill, but a nursery where the doggies are not caged but have large runs, warm sleeping nests, and safe places to nurse and care for the babies, under the wide Oklahoma sky. See the most recent video here




I decided that I wanted another girl to fuss over... I think that I would feel silly putting bows in the hair of my boy dog...I am so old fashioned. So Pam and I put all of the boys down for a nap...then all of the girls that are on hold, and or sold. This brought my choices down to six. There is a gender bias against the males, and there seem to be more of them born these days at Shih Tzu Heaven. I dont think it has to do with hair bows, the bias I mean. I think the boys are sweet and cuddly, but the word is that house training is harder... I havent seen that with Pam's boys they all trot outside like champs. I saw seven-eight week olds looking for the pet door. Pretty amazing.

I picked up all of the girls and held each one, I had also looked at older females and pups less than 8 weeks old. The six pups in "day care" were my "finalists"... There was the black with white sister of Annabelle, a bit on the bossy side pushing other pups around and acting like she was the little queen. I was actually on the hunt for her, but she wasnt the right one...I could just tell. There were brown and white pups from different parents...

And there was this little girl that had attached herself to me. She sat by my chair and kept looking up. She was bigger than the others, and would clearly grow larger than the Imperial size I wanted. I did pick her up a few times and put her down again. She stayed by me even pushing other pups away to keep me all to herself... It didnt go unnoticed by yours truly.

I picked her up again and asked about her parents. I think Pam faked not hearing me... I cuddled the pudgy toddler admiring her button eyes and turned up nose. She also has lovely markings of gold on her dark face... After a few more minutes I realized that I was really crazy about this one she was just radiating love and contentment while laying in my arms... When I asked Pam when she would be ready to go home, she said "May 14", and I knew...she was one of Shadow and Taco's babies, one of the Valentine puppies... Annabelle's other full sister and she seemed crazy about me. I said "Well, thats settles it...she is one of the family, and she should go home with me." And so she is as soon as she is ready to leave the nest... no rushing it this time

I remembered looking at her on the computer back in February as I traveled to Birmingham with Linda... after my Beloved had died and thinking that one of these babies would be mine to love. I hope that all goes well this time, and that we will become true companions. I should have her in two weeks... I can hardly wait


Aint Love Grand?

Labels: Abigail, Annabelle, Faith

May 03, 2009

John 3:25-36~ He Must Increase

Peaceful Stream Table Rock Lake near Beaver AR


Now a discussion arose between some of John's disciples and a Jew over purification.And they came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, he who was with you across the Jordan, to whom you bore witness—look, he is baptizing, and all are going to him.”John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, ‘I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.’The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete.He must increase, but I must decrease.”

He who comes from above is above all. He who is of the earth belongs to the earth and speaks in an earthly way. He who comes from heaven is above all.He bears witness to what he has seen and heard, yet no one receives his testimony.Whoever receives his testimony sets his seal to this, that God is true.For he whom God has sent utters the words of God, for he gives the Spirit without measure.The Father loves the Son and has given all things into his hand.36Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.

Labels: Scenic Arkansas, scripture

April 28, 2009

A Pilgrim's Walk

Dos Colores Double Rainbow near Centerton AR

I am exhausted but feeling like life has changed again. For the past few days, I have been on a long awaited spiritual journey called "Walk To Emmaus" This is a four day intensive... I dont want to call it a retreat because it more closely reminds me of the team building weekends that I have been on. I found much of it fascinating, and at times baffling, and I was glad that I was able to go and participate. I had long heard of it, but didnt know how one went about going. Only this year did they post in the church paper that you could talk to someone about going. You need a sponsor to put your name forward and I knew that each chapter held a walk just a few times a year, so it is a sort of honor I guess to be asked, but truly it is a call to service within the church, and the Walk is a way to equip you for that service.


I have included the link above that has information on the background of The Walk and will not go into the background of the Emmaus movement here. That would be a long winded post that would not be fruitful. There seems to be a lot of controversy on the net about if this community is a cult, a secret society or something that is divisive in the church. If it is any of these things in the church you belong to then someone has been remiss about how they have acted or spoken with regards to it. This is not a club for Christian Over Achievers, or a way to get around being a part of a regular community of faith. Just because you go on a Walk doesn't mean you are any more a Believer than everyone else, or that there is something wrong with you if you don't want to go on a Walk. This is not for everyone. The intensity of the experience can be hard for some people. The closeness of the community and lack of "alone" time was hard for me. However, that being said, I was glad to have had the company of three ladies from my church that I have been wanting to get to know better, and our Pastor, the only man in attendance in this group.( Imagine for a moment guys, being alone with and involved with about 36 women, (he was the only one leaving the site at night to go home and sleep) for four full days) As I was to see, this sort of thing is something he loves to do, having been a participant in his walk in the early days with one of the founders of this movement here in the US.

Walk 64 gathering on the porch of Parker House, Mt Sequoiya Fayetteville AR

My concerns were the lack of privacy, the fact that the body mechanics that give me my great voice also lends itself to the worst snoring you can possibly imagine. I have been asked to sleep in my car on one retreat and to just up and leave at another. The retreats I have been on up at Little Portion, I have been asked to request a single room and if this is not available to not force someone to endure this affliction with me, out of Christian charity, and to withdraw from the retreat. It looked like I was going to have to share a room, but at the last minute there was a cancellation and I was accommodated.
My Luxurious Nest, my solo room I was so grateful to have this bit of privacy to process all that was hitting me at once... and the bed was comfortable too. There was a communal bath just across the way which was nice too


There are some things they do that are hard to understand at first. First they want you to allow you sponsor to drive you to and from the site. This is so you dont have to be concerned with transportation, they even carry your luggage, get you settled into your room at the site etc. The sponsor has taken care of the financial arrangements as well. Everything is provided to you. You are told that if you have a need or a desire they will do her best too accomodate. It was warm this weekend and the A/C wasnt up to the task, so that need was presented and fans appered. Another lady said that she wished she had brought a six pack of her brand of soda. Bottles of it appered on the snack tables for all to enjoy.

You are asked to leave your personal concerns behind at home, to facilitate this you are asked to not use your cel phone and to leave it and all electronics at home. This was very hard for many people most especially for a young mother who left her fifteen month old alone with her daddy for the first time. They were fine. I was given another dispensation as I was driving myself(I was supposed to be in FT Smith at an interview that day but it was canceled. I didnt change my plans, and used the time to run a lot of errands and get a lot of things done.) I also was allowed to keep my cel but to not have it on during the weekend. The purpose is so you can focus on the things we were learning and not be concerned about time or the pressures of daily living. I find at night that the clock is a comfort. I was told it was ok if I needed to look at the time but keep the thing off and hidden.

The content of the course work is a series of fifteen talks given over the three day period. They are given by Ordained Clergy, or a non ordained lay speaker and vary as to how much theological content they contain... They dovetail into each other, as they are somewhat scripted... A personal story that ties into the theme, a introduction and a statement if you are a clergy person or a Lay speaker, and then you give the talk. After the talk there is group discussion around a table that you have been assigned to, with a leader and assistant to help and focus things. A secretary writes a summary that is a synopsis of the discussion. This position changes with every talk as the participants rotate positions arond the , with only the leader staying in her place. Then there is a time where you create a "Artistic Impression" of the subject. This can be singing a well known song, or making one up. Some choose a literal artistic approach and create posters, collages and other crafts. Skits are written, poems are crafted and read. On the second and third evenings, each group presents its summaries and art in turn. With four tables and five presentations for each it makes for a full evenings entertainment, while reinforcing the lessons of the day.

There was a bit of free time. I took one break as a time to walk around the grounds of the Conference Center. Its a beautiful location that was given to the Methodist Church early in the last century. Located on the summit of Mount Sequoya, it overlooks the city of Fayetteville. From the front porch of our dorm the night lights were beautiful. Many of the buildings are 75 plus years old, adding character and charm to the facility. The spaces were cozy and rustic, and for life long Methodist from the region this is a place full of happy memories, of summer camps and conferences, even family vacations! Our Pastor uses the available rooms here for occasional working retreats since it is only thirty miles from our city. The kitchen is working 7 days a week so you can call ahead and they will prepare you a meal. He brings a stack of books and turns his phone off and relaxes for a few quiet days. I am sure he is not alone in this escape. Other denominations in the area use the dorms and kitchens as well. There was even a group from the local Embroiderers Guild of America holding a stitching retreat there, and a local man walking about that had come up to rest and work on his comedy routine before a fund raising comedy competition linked to the local Race for the Cure that was also held this weekend in Fayetteville.

There is a chapel service morning and evening, rather than give away any more about what goes on there,Im going to leave it at that. I have had many such experiences gone to a lot of retreat sorts of things but this was a most unique experience. Im withholding information not because its a BIG secret but the organization asks that you keep the secret because it allows the next "pilgrim" to have a fresh experience. I understand that and respect that.

Some of the "surprise" elements were very touching and amazing. From the constant flow of food (more eating opportunities than a cruise boat, I kid you not...) to hand made gifts from strangers. From the care of the supporting staff to learning that literally 100s of people have been and were praying for you, serving you and caring for you, some for months prior to you arrival. Of the 36 to 40 people in closest contact with each other in the conference itself, only 17 of us were "pilgrims" on our first "Walk". It was astounding to me and yes it does overwhelm.

There is a point in the process that is very dramatic and for many if not most people quite emotional. I found myself quite detached and more observant. I was praying for the others there that were having deep moments...even what I call "burning bush" experiences where you come face to face with God as you understand Him. Was it that I find such emotionalism excessive, not really... I think I am just so drained out right now. I know that there might have been some hesitancy to even allow me on the Walk, because my life is so chaotic right now. I found some of the images created by light and darkness disturbing, it the same way that a burning cross has a beauty and a horror about it for what it connotates... The burning light shining in the daarkness or the evils of the KKK and Hitler's spectacals of light and darkness... very dramatic...

For I am not a new pilgrim on this journey...as are so many who have not had burning bush experiences. I am not groping for a candle lit path to a new and greater truth... I have already found that Truth on a deserted beach 21 years ago, and while I have had other watershed moments with God this past event so long ago was the biggie for me... Not that I cant stand a fresh touch from God now and again...

I had inner messages that I interpreted in one way, my Pastor another. My new therapist, who is wonderful at this, turned the ideas upside down in a radical interpratation that was very insightful, and caused me to look at this weekends events quite differently. That while I thought that maybe I am currently too broken for God to use, that the "usefullness" quotent is actually at its highest now. That the losses of my life to me signaled failure, lack of community, and of a lack of Agape love towards others, she said those "others" I am so concerned about, used and hurt me and that while it hurts, God is sweeping all of that away just as sure as a wildfire burns off the brush so new trees can grow tall.That what I thought was a heart turned to stone that needs to be broken and removed is actually a bedrock of faith worthy of building skyscrapers on...That in suffering and adversity, the faithful witness shines out of the broken places, like light throught the Luminarias or the rainbow sunlight through the broken glass of a stained glass window.

I have most importantly gained a Community of friends that I can turn to. The next step is "Fourth Day", and "Group Reunions" Where you meet in small groups of 3 to 8 for mutual encouragement and accountability. I am fairly sure that we will have to start a group like this for ourselves, because so many of the groups around here meet during the day. It is a beginning of a new phase in my life, that no matter what happens I will always have this time to treasure

De Colores (the colors)
De Colores ( the colors)
The diamond will sparkle
when brought to the light
De colores, and so must all love
be of every bright color
To make my heart cry

Radiant Light over the valley the view from the outdoor chapel Fayetteville AR

Labels: Catholic, Emmaus, Faith

April 26, 2009

1st Peter 1:2-13~ Great and Precious Promises

The Little Chapel of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity. Little Portion Monestery Berryville AR


May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,

by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,

and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness,

and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.

For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.

Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.

For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.

I think it right, as long as I am in this body,to stir you up by way of reminder,

since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me.

Labels: John Michael Talbot, Little Portion, Scenic Arkansas, scripture

April 23, 2009

The Land Of The Springtime

A moment in time captured by my mother on a photo slide, then brought to life by her cousin Phillip Stack in pastels...one of my most treasured possessions

Oh yes, for this child of the desert, it was like I had stepped off of the airplane and into a dream. The blue-green sea water,and the pink sand beaches... yes pink from the shells that were crushed by the pounding waves. The bright blue sky turned golden in the evenings and billowing clouds brought blessed rain twice a day, The flowers and the green trees. The smell of fruits and the rustle of sugar cane leaves as the sea breezes blew... every day was nothing less than a miracle. I loved every aspect of my time there my life there in Majuagua, Learning Spanish, giving the missionary's children their school lessons, the evangelistic tent meetings we gave every Saturday night. Sometimes I strapped my accordion on and rode horseback to get to the little farming villages up in the hills, through the jungle, as there was no roadway, just a muddy dirt track. Oh, how they loved to sing the Christian songs... We lived in a house with a thatch roof on a farm... yes that is where the picture came from. My cousin Phillip drew it with pastels from a slide I took out the back door, of the drainage canal and the lovely palm trees. It was as much like heaven as I could dream of... Terra de la Primavera, the Land of the Springtime...

My mother never tired of talking about her time in Cuba as a missionary. Those years abroad shaped her and became the defining moments of her life. She said that she embraced the missionary call fully as a result of the death of the five missionaries that were killed during a first contact with a savagely primitive people, the Waodoni, once called the Acua, of Central Ecuador. The story was well told in the 2005 film "The End of the Spear" My hero and hers, Elisabeth Elliot, endured the loss of her beloved husband, and the seemingly wasteful end of a life's work there. Yes she and her daughter Valerie, and the sister of the pilot, Nate Saint, Rachel went and lived among these people and made an attempt to evangelize them, but they would tell you that the effort has had mixed success. I think that many of the young people that offered their lives up to the Call to fill the place of those martyrs might feel that way. I know my mother did as well.

I also think that mother found healing and purpose in the venture abroad. I do know that she had one romantic interest that didn't pan out. He has gone on to do very well for himself, as a pastor writer and professor at DTS. I dont know that time heals all wounds but her life would have been very different had different choices been made.


Cuba of the 1950's was a place in transition. Like so many countries in Latin America even now, its government was in the hands of a political dictatorship run by a strongman and his thugs at the behest of our own government here in the US. American business interests, along with organized crime flourished. Havana was fast becoming a hot spot in many ways both good and bad... The people finding themselves in the newly rising middle class lived well in the city, with those that were wealthy living very well.

In the countryside there was poverty but farmers owned there own land, earned a modest living. Their children received an elementary education at the village school. It was a typical Latin American country.

When Castro lead his armies south to north, his goal was not to become a satellite of the Soviet empire, it was to free the island of the foreign interests that control ed the islands food production, and to rid it of the Organized Crime bosses that were extorting large sums of money from people that were struggling. He was a Marxist, a socialist, and had ties to Che Guevara and the whole thing, but our history is slanted due to the events of the cold war. We interfered in Cuba's destiny from the day we wrested her from Spanish control. Like Porto Rico

I am no scholar about this subject I only know what I have been told by Americans that lived there prior to the revolution, and Cuban nationals I have met who lived there before and escaped after Castor overthrew the established government. I will not justify in any way what Castro has done... Even he would tell you... better yet I can repeat a story I was told years ago by Dan Wooding, founder of ASSIST ministries, an organization that was founded to assist the Underground/Oppressed church. He was a former journalist, who exposed the genocide in Uganda under Idi Amin to the world in 1978. Dan's credentials gave him access to El Presidente Castro, who invited him to Havana to discuss the revolution, the ending of the Cold War, Cuba's future and the future of the Church... True to form Dan brought the conversation to God and the Eternal Destiny of every person. He asked Mr. Castro about his early faith in God, and begged him to return to God, that he forgives and accepts everyone. They were driving south to Santiago, and there was a long silence. Castro sighed and thanked Dan for his concern and then said that "God and Jesus and His Holy Mother could never forgive him for the evil he had done..." Then he turned and there were tears running down his face. Grief or guilt remorse or repentance...we will never know

Castro had no hidden communist agenda. But he was a Marxist socialist. He nationalized the industries that were at one time control ed by foreign interests. He kicked the mafia out and those that were in bed with them. This angered American businessmen. The collectivisation of agriculture looked too much like Communism and no one in the US government would assist in any of these dealing. When Mr Kruschev and his henchmen came a calling, Cuba couldn't say no. And its been a marriage made in hell ever since. We slapped an embargo on the island, The USSR imported missiles, bombers and battalions along with the food and medical supplies.

Cuba under this intolerable situation has lived with grit and determination so typical of island folk. they can boast of the highest literacy rate in the hemisphere, with a medical establishment that is one of the best that can be found under the circumstances. The people, even the farming people are well read and well versed in cultural classics. It is a nation waiting to be reborn.

My mother's work was not in vain, for in the wake of the Revolution, people remembered the words of the missionaries, the pastors and the priests, and clung to their faith. In 1998 Pope John Paul II came and spend a week there and led masses that attracted thousands. I believe he hoped that his visit would encourage the US to ease up on restrictions on trade and travel, and the government to release prisoners of conscience, and ease the pressures against religious practice. It had little effect, at least on the surface...who knows what effect it had on people's hearts

Truth is that the Embargo has done little to effect change in the government, it has only hurt the little people, the children and family of expatriate Cubans in America. The lifting of trade and travel restrictions will only improve the living conditions of the people, and the fact is, that meeting real Americans is often the turning point towards liberation from totalitarianism. It certainly shows a reality that is far different from government propoganda and "reality" TV shows...

Cuba may never have the type of government that we think she should have... but I sense with the events of the past weeks that a thaw in relations is in the offing. I have been approached by family members to consider making the journey to retrace my mother's steps. I want to do that with all of my heart. Perhaps one day I too will be enchanted by the Land of the Springtime, and perhaps the long winter of Cuba's isolation from her neighbor to the north will come to an end

Labels: Current Events, Dreams, Family History, Traveling

April 20, 2009

Bon Voyage, My Abigail

My Sweet Girl, Abigal at 3 months

Hokulea: Do you have any misgivings about Abigail coming back home with me? You know her better than I do. she will be alone a lot, I cant help that. I want her to be happy. I was looking at her picture this morning and remebered how she was so unhappy and sad while she was here so I am concerned about it. Maybe I am just being silly. When I am home she will get lots of love and attention, so maybe it wont matter....



Puppy MeeMaw I honestly do not believe it is a good idea for to return. I have worked with the puppy and she is definitely a social flower, only happy around someone or other dogs. I do not believe she is ever going to be OK staying by herself. She just makes herself sick. She does not mind the cage at night if she is with the other dogs but doesn't like it in the house by herself. She definitely doesn't like it during the day time hours. I am so sorry, I know you connected with her in the short time you had her. I would suggest that when you get settled with your job and stuff that we try again and see if you are more over Anabelle and definitely more in control of your time. You know a puppy takes a lot of time and when you just don;t have the time or another person to back you up it is too hard.

I stood before her pictures today and wondered how she was doing, was she better? Would it be right to bring her home... So I emailed today. And this was the answer.

I feel very sad and feel a touch lost about it all. But it is what is best for Abi and for me too. It just wasnt a good fit and deep down I knew that... She already has had some admirers. MeeMaw told me that she will place her with either someone that will be home with her all of the time...she gets a lot of retirees that come from this area, or someone that has another dog already

Annabelle's sister is still available, another lady has pick of the litter and was leaning towards the other pups so if she is still available after next week I will go and see her again. she would be ready to come home mid may when I would be free to spend a few days with her here, then there are babies that will be ready in June... we shall see how things go

I will be sending the pictures Ive taken to MeeMaw, maybe the new family will want them

I have to let go again, this is the right thing, but it hurts just the same

Labels: Abigail

April 19, 2009

Prayer for Forgivness~ A Devotion for Divine Mercy Sunday

Devotional Garden the Shrine at Monte Cassino, St Meinrad, IN

The Prayer for Forgiveness

To You, O God
Fountain of Mercy
I come...a sinner
May You wash away my impurity

O Sun of Justice
give sight to the blind
O Eternal Healer
cure the wounded
O King of Kings
Restore the despoiled,
O Mediator of God and Man
reconcile the sinful
O Good Shepard
lead back the straying

O God
have pity on the wretched
show leniency to the guilty
bestow life upon the dead
reform the impious
and give the balm of grace
to the hard of heart

O merciful God
call back the one who flees
draw back the one who falls
lift up the one who falls
support the one who stands
and accompany the one who walks

Do not forget those who forget You
Do not desert those who desert You
Do not despise those who sin against You

For in sinning,
I have offended You, me God
I have harmed my neighbor
I have not even spared myself injury

I have sinned, O my God
against You, almighty Father
because of my weakness
against You... All knowing Son
because of my ignorance
against You,merciful Holy Spirit
because of my malice.

Thus have i offended You
most high Trinity

Woe to me, a pitiful soul
How many
how great
and how diverse
are the sins I have committed

I abandoned You, Lord
I question Your goodness
by yeailding to evil cravings
and weskening myself with harmful fears

By such things
I prefered to lose You
rather than abandonwhat I desired
to offend You
rather than face
what ought not to be feared

O my God
how much harm have I done
by wowrd and deed
and by sinning secretly,
openly and defiantly

therefore,
out of my weakness, I beg You
not to pay heed to my iniquity
but rather to Your immense goodness.

and I beg you mercifully to pardon
what I have done
granting me
sorrow for my past actions
and precaution in the future

Amen

Saint Thomas Aquinas

Labels: Catholic, IN, Poem, scripture

April 13, 2009

A Life Well Lived

Flowering trees taken off the Upper patio of the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

Written 4-9-2009

Its Holy Thursday and I have enjoyed listening to the services on EWTN. They are showing the evening service from Rome, presided over by the Pope... in the church of St John Lateran, I think my favorite of the churches in Rome that I have seen photos of, very beautiful

I am also engaging in a personal ritual. Every year or so, this time its about 13 months, I finish one personal journal and start a new one. This will occur in the next few weeks and I wanted to have the new one selected and ready.

This process usually means my digging in my cedar chest formally known as my "hope" chest, but after two failed marriages there is not much hope there. I have my journals stored in it now to protect them from humidity and the elements. There are 40 completed journals beginning from 1978 till now. Some are in better condition than others, the cheap paper caused the inks to fade, others are as bright as the day I penned the words... thousands of hours of prayers, reflections and narrative... my life bound up in ink, paper and cloth...with insertions of clippings photos and little bits of life. For example... I found a mat clipped from Annabelle's coat a week after her death, the lump of silky hair missed the waste basket. From trash to treasure... I kissed the tiny bit of my beloved and placed it between the pages of my current journal where I noted her untimely passing and my torrent of grief...

I also found a very good photo of my mother that I didnt know that I still had that fell from the pages of one of my journals... I have so few from those last few years of her life. This was taken before Parkinson's hardened her face into a twisted scowl.She was happily riding on a friends borrowed Rascal scooter, Dreaming of her own I think. She was to cannive her way into ownership of a Rascal, just when she could no longer manage it. she took it out and lost control of it and rant the thing off the sidewalk and tumbled her out of it... The Bellflower police brought her home and the nursing home took the keys away from her... Sadly the scooter languished on a uncovered patio, while the payments racked up. These ads on TV for the "scooter store" that tease seinors into buying something they cant afford are criminal. The thing promised freedom that she couldnt afford and couldnt manage. I shed a few tears for the frustration and pain she endured in those last years... it wasnt easy for her...

When I look at my journals, which is not often really, I can spend hours reliving the past in them. I am amazed at what I write about and what I dont write about. The pages of prayers and reflections on Biblical studies in the Hosanna years of 1988 to 1996, and how my writing abruptly changed... How all of my life in Hawaii spanned only four volumes, how thankful I am that I blogged and took all of the pictures otherwise it would all seem like a dream

I said a lot about my mis adventures while married to the Engineer, but nothing specific enough to use in my Magesterial Annulment. Too bad as I really need some help here.

4-13-09

But I think what made me the saddest was the pages and pages of rage directed at Woody and our relationship, and the pages of tear stained missive of how lost I have been over the years, spiritually since the Calvary Chapel debacle. In counseling this past week Susan, my new therapist, and I touched on how the "Offense" that we receive from another Believer or another can be a vehicle for the enemy of our souls to impede our growth as persons and as children of God. I know this to be true.

The two situations are linked. Now that I have been apart form Woody for the better part of a year I have really been able to move forward away from both issues and see real healing in my life. The proof is the forgiveness I have been able to freely give to other "offenders" like Linda the gal from Birmingham, or even the Vet that cared for Annabelle and maybe didnt do all that he could have. I see a peace that I have not had as far as the past goes that I didnt have a year ago.

Looking backwards is a useful tool if you have an objective means to do so. My journals provide that. True, they are subjective because it is only my view of events but I try to be as true to myself as I can be

As I was going through the chest I found the huge stack of letters that I have saved over the years, Certainly not every letter that I have ever received, If I did that I would have a pile big enough to fill my garage floor to ceiling! No these were letters from old boyfriends and old cards and things... A lot could go with no regrets and I re read some of them and had a laugh and tossed the rest unread. The bundle halved I retied the ribbons and stowed the much smaller pile away

Some times I need to dig through some of this for perspective. I have had a good life. And its only maybe half over God willing. I want to be more present in the moment... More intentional about caring for others and for myself...less concerned about the past mis steps and those things I cannot control and lastly more trusting in the God Who Sees me, Who knows me and all that I am. All that I have and all that I am is from Him. I need to learn to believe that He is for my good and that the rest of my life will be just as well lived as the first half was





Abigail playing with her pink doggie... I miss the little mutt let

Labels: Annabelle, Church, Faith, Family History, Marriage, Personal Growth, Woody

April 12, 2009

Mark 16:1-8~ The Rest Of The Story

The Risen Christ.... The altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton District Loiusville KY

When the Sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him.

And very early on the first day of the week, when the sun had risen, they went to the tomb.
And they were saying to one another, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?”

And looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled back—it was very large.
And entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, dressed in a white robe, and they were alarmed.

And he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here. See the place where they laid him.
“But go, tell his disciples and Peter that he is going before you to Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.”

And they went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had seized them, and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

Pastor David made a good point this morning, this passage ends so abruptly it makes you wonder why Mark hardly finished the sentence of verse 8... Was he arrested by soliders, or left to go off with Barnabas or Paul?... Others have tried to finish the tale, we know that Mark didnt write the final verses of the book that bears his name, the add on is a rough fit.

Was it deliberate, this omission of the marvelous? After all The Roman mind to whom this Gospel is directed was accustomed to tales of miracles wrought by the pantheon of gods goddesses and demi-gods but, none of them ever claimed to reclaim a departed spirit and replace it into a body abandoned in death... a three day old body at that. This is not found in any myth or legend...could it even be true?...

Perhaps Mark wanted to make sure that his readers kept reading... that the new followers of The Way, as Jesus' teachings were called then, kept following. We will never know. We can see that these tales did circulate as Paul relates in first Conrinthians 15 and there was disbelief

What we do know is this, that Mark recorded the story and we have it today. The next step we need to take is the same step that those that visited the empty tomb on the first Easter morning needed to make... The step of faith to believe that Jesus was and is all that he said that he was and is. If this is true then we need to tell someone about it, just as Mark and those others did after seeing the miracle of the Ressurection

That is the Rest of the Story

Labels: Faith, Louisville, scripture

April 11, 2009

Humility and the Father's Love

Image of Our Lord on His Cross. The Shrine of Monte Cassino, St. Meinrad IN

Why did my Father give you power over me
Because he wanted me to get very close to you
to show you the depths of his love for you
not the distant love of a God
who sits on a throne in his heaven
and looks down on you on the earth

but the love of a Father
who longs to help you
to carry your burdens
to comfort and heal you
to give you every good gift
He wants to come to your homes
and to sit with you at your meals
as one of the family
He wants to walk with you
as a beloved friend
He could not do that himself
and so he sent me
His only Son
to make His love known to you

I could take on your weakness
and then act out my Father's name
which is Love
Can you truly imagine the love of God
Can you understand the depth
of your Father's love for you?

The Father sent me to
show you His love
and to act it out among you
to give you an example to copy
I am the image of your unseen Father
In my life
and particularly in my passion
I showed you the depths
to which love must be prepared to go
There is no room for fear in love
no room for shame
no excuses
no holidays
Love offers everything
and expects no return

You cannot bear the unveiled love of God
It falls like fire upon you
and you are consumed and burnt up in its heat
you are not ready yet to be refined
and purified by the naked flame
of your Father's love for you
and so it has to be filtered
mediated to you through my flesh

Richard Hobbs
"Fifteen Mysteries in the Life of Jesus"
St Paul Press

Labels: Catholic, Faith, IN, Poem

April 10, 2009

Take Up Your Cross

Statue Jesus meets His mother while carrying His Cross The stations of the cross at St Elizabeth of Hungary Church Eureka Springs AR

Take Up Your Cross

I could only manage
One step at a time
I did not see
the Grand Design
I could only summon my strength
to take the next step
to carry the cross piece
on my shoulders
until I could carry it
no longer
and they made Simon help me

I was obedient to those
who led me to Calvary
and I did nothing to protest
against their injustice and cruelty
Who recognized their Lord and their God in me?
What God would allow Himself to be treated
on such a humiliating and agonizing way?

Do you not see?
Anyone can bow down
before a God of power and majesty;
the gods of all the peoples of the world
do god-like things,
either behaving with power
to crush all opposition
and to reward their friends
with goods and honors
or behaving with great and obvious holiness,
fasting and praying without ceasing.
Satan himself behaves in a way
that many think is truly god-like

But I allowed myself to be treated
like a common criminal
despised and rejected by men,
and nailed to a cross to die.
And I ask you to follow my example
out of love for me

Every other god
is a creation of you imaginations,
yourselves written large in fantasy,
bigger better holier than you are.
But I am not interested
in your following me
for what you can get
by putting yourselves under
my lordship and protection
I want to know your hearts
do you love Me
in whatever disguise I appear to you?
And so I walk the world
in the poor, the rejected
the sick and the oppressed
Do you love me
and recognize me in them?
Take up your cross and follow me,
for only those who lose their lives for my sake
will find them...

Richard Hobbs- 2002
from"Fifteen Mysteries in the Life of Jesus"
Brother of St Paul press

Labels: Catholic, Faith, Poem, Scenic Arkansas

April 09, 2009

Meditation On The Last Discourse~a poem

The Solitary Cross at the Chapel of the Resurection, Little Portion retreat center Eureka Springs AR


I go to the Father,
to the deep secret of my heart,
to the place of white lightning
in the morning grass
I will run where peace lives
and apples with wine colored faces
apples that laugh like wine

I come from the Father
from Him who is warm caves
in the nameless hills
from a shoreless sea
and a day of sun
and a raucous wind in the waves

I come always
Coming is who I AM
I go always
Through the clenched muscles
of a hundred mountains
through darkness like dark syrup
that swallows my footprints
and abolishes my shape

But I go to the Father
to the great secret
who leaps on young hills
who pushes the bones of the mountains
out of the sea
And sets the forth
or rose colored ridges

I go to the secret of my heart

Father
I have given away Your Word
and they who received it
are those who sing on the roads of blood
who speak it to the setting sun
who whisper it to the hearth fire
on winter nights

Father
You are He who speaks to me
Who shouts me forth from cool caves
from whose darkness
I tumble into the light
I am Your Daylight
I am the song of your morning
I am the blue of your noon day
A wind
buildding castles in the sand
I am the waterfall of air
that goes to sleep
in orchards of plum blossom

Father
I come to You

Mother Mirriam Pollard OCSO
Santa Rita Abbey
Sonoita AZ

Labels: Little Portion

April 08, 2009

I Will Rise~ A Song For Worship

Light of the World Statue of Jesus in the prayer garden of St Elizabeth of Hungary Church Eureka Springs AR

There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say, “it is well”

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There’s a day that’s drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, “worthy is the Lamb”
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, “worthy is the Lamb”

Chris Tomlin

Labels: Praise and Worship, Scenic Arkansas

April 05, 2009

John 12:12-36 Enter The Week That Changed History

Hawaiian Palms, Taken near Kaneohe, Oahu, Hawaii


The Triumphal Entry

The next day, the news that Jesus was on the way to Jerusalem swept through the city. A huge crowd of Passover visitors took palm branches and went down the road to meet him. They shouted,


"Praise God!
Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord!
Hail to the King of Israel!"


Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, fulfilling the prophecy that said:



"Don't be afraid, people of Israel.
Look, your King is coming,
sitting on a donkey's colt."


His disciples didn't realize at the time that this was a fulfillment of prophecy. But after Jesus entered into his glory, they remembered that these Scriptures had come true before their eyes.
Those in the crowd who had seen Jesus call Lazarus back to life were telling others all about it. That was the main reason so many went out to meet him-because they had heard about this mighty miracle. Then the Pharisees said to each other, "We've lost. Look, the whole world has gone after him!"


Jesus Predicts His Death
Some Greeks who had come to Jerusalem to attend the Passover paid a visit to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee. They said, "Sir, we want to meet Jesus." Philip told Andrew about it, and they went together to ask Jesus.
Jesus replied, "The time has come for the Son of Man to enter into his glory. The truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. Unless it dies it will be alone-a single seed. But its death will produce many new kernels-a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who despise their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. All those who want to be my disciples must come and follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And if they follow me, the Father will honor them. Now my soul is deeply troubled. Should I pray, `Father, save me from what lies ahead'? But that is the very reason why I came! Father, bring glory to your name."
Then a voice spoke from heaven, saying, "I have already brought it glory, and I will do it again." When the crowd heard the voice, some thought it was thunder, while others declared an angel had spoken to him.
Then Jesus told them, "The voice was for your benefit, not mine. The time of judgment for the world has come, when the prince of this world will be cast out. And when I am lifted up on the cross, I will draw everyone to myself." He said this to indicate how he was going to die.
"Die?" asked the crowd. "We understood from Scripture that the Messiah would live forever. Why are you saying the Son of Man will die? Who is this Son of Man you are talking about?"
Jesus replied, "My light will shine out for you just a little while longer. Walk in it while you can, so you will not stumble when the darkness falls. If you walk in the darkness, you cannot see where you are going. Believe in the light while there is still time; then you will become children of the light." After saying these things, Jesus went away and was hidden from them.

Labels: Hawaii, scripture

March 31, 2009

Burn The Ships

Sloop at Anchor, near Cape San Blas, Florida

In the spring of 1519
a Spanish fleet set sail
Cortez told his sailors
this mission must not fail
On the eastern shore of Mexico
they landed with great dreams
But the hardships of the new world
made them restless and weak
Quietly they whispered,
"Let's sail back to the life we knew"
But the one who led them there was saying


Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships,
we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn

In the spring of new beginnings
a searching heart set sail
Looking for a new life
and a love that would not fail
On the shores of grace and mercy
we landed with great joy
But an enemy was waiting
to steal, kill, and destroy
Quietly he whispers,
"Go back to the life you know"
But the one who led us here is saying

Burn the ships, we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships,
we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn


Nobody said it would be easy
But the one who brought us here
Is never gonna leave us alone

Burn the ships,
we're here to stay
There's no way we could go back
Now that we've come this far by faith
Burn the ships,
we've passed the point of no return
Our life is here
So let the ships burn

Steven Curtis Chapman

It is with great regret that the staff-parish relations committee notifies this congregation that Rev David F.... will be transfered to a new parish in Pine Bluff AR effective July 1 and Pastor Sarah________, an elder and District Superintendent and her retired husband will be transferred here to pastor this church in Bella Vista...

With the lady's words the last little threads of my mooring's here in NW Arkansas were hacked away and I am now adrift in the seas of life... My three reasons for returning here from Louisville, were to open or deal with the business situation, to finish my relationship with Woody and tie up those loose ends, and to return to a church that I have come to love

Its not just that my beloved pastor and his wife and son whom I adore are being sent all the way across the state, but they are sending a retirement aged woman to replace him... and I fear ... condemning the new work we have begun to a slow painful death. Nothing on the new pastor, I don't know her, I cant make an assumption about what she will or wont do. I am certain of one thing, We really need a young family man, full of energy and enthusiasm at the helm. Someone like David, with a vested interest in continuing the course already laid out, for the sake of his own children. Not a retiree interested in golf rounds and daytime events that the working people cant participate in... And true to form, the stereotype of Bella Vista being only a retirement community has won out and this church will be the loser. Twenty years ago, there were only Seniors here. Now Bella Vista is home to the most populous grade school in the state of Arkansas,over 500 children and it only goes to the four grade! In one year of starting a Contemporary service, we have gone from 4 kids to fifty kids and we are having our first confirmation class...150 people in Contemporary worship from zero a year ago...

This is important to me because I have been a part of this work from its inception nearly four years ago, and have nourished it prayed and been a part of it all along. There has not been time to raise up a new leader, or train people to come along side, we don't have enough people to fill all of the positions anyway, typical of a new work in any church.

Our Worship leader left us a month ago, to pursue a job in Cleveland, that left a place for me to sing on Sunday's and that has been wonderful... It was my hope to become even more involved. While my quest to become a Roman Catholic is on hold for now, I was very willing to invest myself in this congregation...

The United Methodist Church ordains women. I don't have a problem with that. I don't have a problem with women marrying, burying, teaching at various levels, being an assisting pastor or pastor in charge of youth, music or seniors. We have a lovely Senior lady, a retired pastor that has been great for our church and a big help for our pastor, as she supervises the Children's ministry and does visitation.

But I do have a problem with having a woman as a Senior Pastor, in the primary leadership role. It is not Biblical, and it is not found in Tradition. It is not something that I can go along with. Its is a cruel blow to me, as it will effectively end my relationship with the church, and that finishes off any support system that I have in the area. It kills me.

I have spent my last 24 hours in a sort of numb shock...right after service yesterday I came home and Woody met me and we took Abigal out to Oklahoma to the Breeders where she is going to be with her Mum and sibs for at least a month to gain maturity and to work on house manners. While driving Woody and I talked about his future. He will probably be returning to the West Coast once our home has sold, regardless of our marital status. If he does this I am going to ask him to file for a divorce in CA, which will be easier to get, and less hastle

More endings, more reasons to look elsewhere to settle. I have no job, I do not own this house and likely I wont because I am spending the down payment. I have no family here, and no social life, and now no church.

There are a lot of churches here and Im sure I could find one very easily that I would fit into. I would look specifically for ministry to my age group and single adults. It also needs to be close.

One church that comes to mind is Gracepoint Church dot com I have some familiarity with this body, friends go there and I visited with their Pastor a few weeks ago when I was feeling low down. When Walmart sacked all of those people a few weeks ago, they brainstormed and set up a ongoing ministry called HOPE - NWA I am going there tonight to the monthly meeting for HOPE-NWA. Maybe I can get some help on finding a job.

March 31

What a difference a day makes. I considered erasing this whole post because of the meeting I had today with Pastor David. With out saying anything to him about why I wanted to meet with him, he laid out the reasons why the Conference Board made this decision. This move will affect a number of churches and by moving David, it will facilitate the moving of another man that really needs to move to a body that has been having a really hard time. It makes sense to a degree when he explains it. But it doesnt lessen the pain or the fact that when he is not there, the energy level drops to zero in that building. I am scared and in this hour of disruption and pain in my life this was the LAST thing I needed.

While he served me coffee, another thing about him, his graciousness as a host and a servant-leader...I had a chance to meet Pastor Sarah... boy that is alien on my toungue. I saw a photo...I wouldnt have guessed this lady was 62 by the look of her... David had a letter she had written to him...beautiful in wording, almost a poem,...He said he'd give a lot to be able to write like that. He had a message on his phone that Sarah left, she seemed so loving and kind, knowing that this is a brutal separation, a certainly unexpected one... encouraging him. I really liked that. It told me a lot about her.

I was assured that she cares about the work, that she has the energy to maintain the level of passion necessary to push us to the next level. Many people who have been around awhile know her already and love her.

I felt a bit reduced. I had prejudged Sarah in a lot of areas. But nothing said changed the theological truth about a woman as a seinor pastor. David asked me to consider all of the reasons why Methodism allows this practice.Even joking with me that this posting had really allowed him to get in touch with his "feminine side", and that I had sat under a man who "wore a dress" every sunday for four years... an allusion to the clerical gown and the european style cassock he wore early on that he gave up due to peer pressure about the roman collar atached to it... "Be all things to all men, he said quoting Paul... All of those reasons, to me, allow for ministry but negate the Pauline injunctions about headship. Only in extreemis shoud a woman be in charge like this. Maybe there is no one else... we never got to that point...

Without asking me to stay on, he did ask me to stay on, but pointing out the changes that are about to occur in the Team, let alone this move... and that if I wanted to honor him, would I be willing to be there to see that the work we have begun be lasting and effective...to endure. I have found that thought to be compelling.

The loss of my friend is really painful. This is the first person I have met in many years that just connected at points that seemed just amazing to me. He wasnt afraid to reach out to me and to take an intrest in my life. Carla his wife and his son always were inclusive and I felt connected to them... They changed my feelings about church, and about Pastors, and pastor's families. I had a chance to really see into a mans life that has helped me make choices regarding abandoning my unhealthy marriage and being open to a healthy relationship in the future. He didnt always understand, but accepts my faith journey as it comes, helping me to do the same. And, as a Wounded Healer, he has encouraged me to continue to seek healing in my own life. Its huge....

He stated a fact, the church is not the pastor. I come from a place (Calvary Chapel) where that view is the opposite. Certainly the Catholic Church doesnt support this view, and one of the reasons the Methodist church moves its pastors around is exactly this reason. I need to change my heart attutde, and not be so angry and upset... I saw all of these people today in the office that I would miss terribly if I left, compounding my losses even more, adding grief upon grief...

I gave serious consideration that I might follow David and Carla to Pine Bluff. If there was a position in the church, or there were jobs I would certainly consider it. My hero in the faith Anne Hutchinson followed the Puritan teacher, John Cotton to the new world... I know people in the Calvary Chapels that followed pastors from location to location... but truthfully today, I realized that this is not God's plan for me. I looked into his face as we had coffee, I saw pain and weariness that my anxiety didnt help... and I realized that the ultimate way I can be a friend is to let go, be strong and to what I can to help make the transition smooth, and be available and supportive.

I do need to Burn the Ships. the ships of the Past. I asked God to teach me to trust Him, with every blow, every loss and every day of accute insecurity, I can only draw closer to Him, and not cling to anyone or anything. I need to trust in God's will and not be overly upset and anxious about anything that happens.

After today I am looking forward to meeting this lady, I may not agree with the politics of the denomination, or how this comes about. But God knows that, and He will lead me on, there is no turning back.

Labels: Catholic, Faith, Ministry, Personal Growth, UMC

March 29, 2009

Psalm 6~ Lord Hear Me

The Serene Shore Cape San Blas Florida

O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger

or discipline me in your wrath.

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;

O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in anguish.

How long, O Lord, how long?



Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;

save me because of your unfailing love.

No one remembers you when he is dead.

Who praises you from the grave


I am worn out from groaning;

all night long I flood my bed with weeping

and drench my couch with tears.

My eyes grow weak with sorrow;

they fail because of all my foes.



Away from me, all you who do evil,

for the Lord has heard my weeping.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;

the Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;

they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

Labels: Florida, scripture

March 27, 2009

The Little Stranger

Playtime with Mom... Abigail at 3 months

It was three months before Woody and I were married . I was one of four girls in the small office that was getting married that fall. My boss was a hapily married woman who had raised two fine young women. We had had many conversations about my future marriage. One slow afternoon when she called me into her office for something, and we got to talking... she said..."Let me tell you a story"... The woman sitting in front of me was impeccably dressed and the queen of organization... "When I found out I was pregnant I had all of these ideas. When my first daughter was born, I sterilized everything, I used the best diapers and made my own baby food, I washed her little shoestrings to keep them white...

then I got pregnant with my second daughter, I was so exahusted... and it was impossible for me to keep up once she was born. One day I fell asleep with them outside and I found she was eating dirt and it didnt bother me, she never looked like she was posing for a magazine cover...She then took both pictures of the girls off of her desk. Which one is the most sucessful the most "normal"? The one who ate dirt, and climbed trees...

Remember that when You have your own kids...Just love them and dont worry so much about doing all of the right things

I thought about Chris Salerio, and her words of wisdom. Because of circumstance, temperment and breeding, Annabelle was the "perfect child" I seldom had to scold. she was good about the bathroom and passive about crating... not a barker or pushy about attention. Abigail is just the opposite at this point in her life

Its been a difficult but revealing week for me and Abigail. I came into this with as open a mind as I could have. I had lost an exceptional dog, and didnt expect Abigail to be her replacement. She is her own person, and still a baby really, and perhaps a late bloomer. She was very attached to her Mom and sister and didnt want to be separated. Perhaps that is part of the problem

Her breeder has a program that she follows with the puppies, one of the most important things is crate training. Its vital that the pup be able to stay in her crate while I am gone. I have arranged for a wonderful neighbor to come during the day to take her out. Then at night I expected her to be in her crate until I was sure of the house training.

She is house trained. She only wanted to go outdoors when we got home... but not at night nor in the rain and snow or with lightining..She is a little girl after all. I understand this, but she wouldnt go in this house on the pads either, as Annabelle did when she couldnt go out. She has her own bathroom as well as pads by the back door. But at three months she cant hold it very long and going out after dark is dangerous with the wild animals plus we are so close to a busy road...

Abigail not only doesnt want to be in a crate in another room, she cannot handle being alone for any length of time. she will walk in and out of the jumbo sized crate at will even lay down in it. But close the door, she turns into the Tazmanian Devil, freaking out to the point of blooding herself. Because she wont allow herself to be crated ie put down for a nap, I think this contributes to all of the issues she is strggling with. She wont stay still in a play pen with me in the room. That is making things very difficult

I remember that I had Woody to help and that he was home with her at night and I had her during the day. Still by 4 months Annabelle was spending 10 to 12 hours a day in her crate and it wasnt an issue for her. It has been sugessted that I exchange Abigail for a different puppy. Only as a last resort... I cant believe that a bonding hasnt already occured. Last night Abi wasnt settling down and as she came over and suckled my night dress sleave I saw a look of contented trust.. she just needs a binkie... Annabelle used the corner of a blanket, her favorite is in my closet still. I found a delivery blankie and tucked that around her and she chewed on the corner and settled...A little teething baby thats all she is...

And..she has a nasty habit of eating her poop. Pretty disgusting. I know that this is common and this breed is notorious for this. I have been giving her a suppliment to help deter this. She is infuriated when she goes and doesnt get to... you know... so now in the house I can scoop it up and while I am doing that I stuff her mouth with a soft liver treat to keep her busy. Outside I just take her away from it.

Its exausting trying to keep up with her, to try to keep the carpets from being soiled... But she is confused with all of the smells in here.

We have had some break throughs. I succumbed and moved Abi into my bed. That has been fun. I made a little bed for her at the head of the bed so she is close to me and can wake me when she needs to go at night. She has been very good about this and we have been sucessful to transition to the indoor bathroom at night. She is a much better partner than some of my bed partners, keeping to the space that I provided to her

But the truth is I see her acting very lost. She will sit in front of the closet mirror and howl. She acts like she is looking for some one or something. She was coming when called, she no longer does this and sometimes just seems lost. She was walking with me now she doesnt overnight.

The thought is that she really wasnt ready to leave home and that perhaps returning to the farm would be a good idea. Sadly I feel like they are right. So its back to Oklahoma for perhaps a month so the breeder can work with her on crating. I also have the old crate Annabelle used that Abigail hates. Perhaps it smells of death even though I cleaned it well, I dont know, but I am going to trade it out for another one.

I will miss my little tomboy girl, today we had a hard day but I sat and held her quite a bit, just loving her. That is why I got her and I want to not let the problems get in the way of the love. I know that that being with the breeder will do a lot of good and we will try again in a month. I will miss the litle stranger that I hardly know but love to pieces

Aint She sweet Abigail at 3 months

Labels: Abigail

March 24, 2009

Remember Me~ The Monthmind for Annabelle

Annabelle and her little boyfriend Paco at a Tiny Dog Play Day, Bentonville AR

Years ago death was commemorated by a year of mourning. Every month on the day of the passing of the Departed One, a funeral mass, the Lux Aeterna, would be said in memorial. I dont know if I will need a year but I saw this little poem on a pet grief website and thought that I would pass it on. If someone knows its author I will credit the work

Thank you for all of your love and support during this hard time in my life

Remember Me

“Remember me always, but do not grieve for me too long. I have tried always to comfort you in times of sorrow, and have made every effort to add joy to your life. I never wanted to cause you pain.

Peace for me is certain now, and I suspect I will have eternal sleep in the earth I have loved so well.

Please, after your period of grieving for me, make room in your heart for another. You are the kind of human being that should always have a friend like me to love. Your kind and gentle heart should not be wasted on my memory for too long. Give your love to another. I know your new friend will never take my place, because we had something very special.

It may not be quite the same, but a new devoted and loving companion will in time, become special in their own way.

You loved me very much and I loved you. My spirit will always be with you, and no matter how deep my sleep, my grateful heart will always remember you.

Labels: Annabelle, Faith

March 23, 2009

The Stork Has Arrived

Pamela's Shih Tzu Heaven, birthplace of Annabelle

CAUTION! Cuteness Alert!

WEll, we would really rather that you had a yard...Yes,yes I know...the dog will be indoors...

Yes we have dog's in the shelter, no you cant look at them, you have to go on Petfinder, find a dog you like...if the dog is not available we will tell you in a few days and then you have to fill out an application....

Yes, I know that on Craigslist you aren't supposed sell pets but I got this 8 week Chihuahua two weeks ago and paid 400.00 for it. My sister hates it and I want my money out of it.

Sure, I will give you the dog come and see me...oh I dont know when I will have time...

We charge 400.00 for the 8 year old rescue dog with issues because we have so much invested in the dog and want you to have the same investment... Yes that is why you sign the contract that you feel says you dont own the dog...

Maxwell, Abigail's Daddy

Yes its a dog eat doggy world out there when you are talking rescue. The do gooder mentality makes it really hard to adopt a pet. I am so worn down I have no energy to deal with this.

The silence and the extra hours that I have since Bella's death have been very difficult., I found that my whole life was upside down, and not in a good way.

So when I taled to Pam about Anabelle's parents whelping It was with some relief. She is a LCSW and after a few questions said that she felt I was ready for a new furry friend


Sweetie Pie Abigail's Mum

Woody drove me out...they live one hour west of Fort Smith, and with my sleep apnea It was such a long drive, its better that I dont go that distance. It gave us a chance to talk which I think was a good thing. Changes are coming to our situation.Woody is putting our house up for sale. Real estate is starting to move a bit and this might be a good time to start the selling process

We got there and Pam wasnt there yet so we bagan to pick up pups. There were about 30 of them. After a few hours of this I had landed on two. A tiny girl that was a touch bossy and willful enough to get mme going...and a little boy that glomed onto both Woody and I... I couldnt decided

Annabells two sisters and two brothers were 4 weeks old and very cute. But I wouldnt have the pup till mother's Day, and ther was something creepy about looking into the face of my Beloved...even at that early stage I could see the tip tilted nose that was very different from the other pups...

So as I was watching the little girl pup I saw a larger pup come over and lay down between me and the little girl. She looked up at me with a classic "Crysanthimum" face, nearly flat with almond shaped eyes that will grow rounder as she gets older. he coat was nearly straight and as soft as a cloud. The feeling of the hair was important to me. The bristly shih tzus that get that trait from Pekeanese ancestors are not for me

When I picked her up she rolled up into a ball and snuggled. Woody says that she was the first pup I had picked up earlier in the day and he thought that her being bigger will make her sturdier and a good compainion, perhaps less prissy and more a tom boy though I dont know. She is strong minded and will bark and make her wishes known

She feels solid, and well made. Pam thinks she will be 8-10 lbs Annabells was 8 lbs. Insted of a prance she ambles along with a leggy gait. She will be fast and she loves walking already

I couldnt afford her..., but like Woody said, will I get ex number of dollars of enjoyment and mental peace of mind. Will her love and yes devotion already, be worth it...of course...(she stood between me and the "doggy in the closet mirror" and barked like crazy , I had to intervene... Annabelle had only just discovered her reflection shortly before her death.

And so I am a doggy Momma again, in the twenty four hours that I have had her at home has already been a joy. Abigail is her name...they were already calling her "Abby" and she answers to that. The name means Beloved of the Father in Hebrew. she has stolen our hearts and the hearts of everyone who has seen her



The little muffin, Abigail at 12 weeks

You were warned






I am totally besotted

Labels: Abigail, Woody